Random thoughts under a cut for length, and because it gets rather depressing
Iāve been listening to music a lot more lately, which is a good thing. Music is really important to me. For me its a catharsis. Since I was a teenager I used music as an escape, a way to cope with all the emotions I was feeling. Growing older hasnāt changed that.Ā
I always thought life would get easier as I got older, that once I hit some arbitraryĀ āadultā age I would suddenly have everything figured out and I would be considered aĀ āsuccessful adultā. That couldnāt be farther from the truth. I still donāt have everything (or maybe even anything??) figured out at the age of 29, and itās scary. My life has gone in a direction I never intended it to go, and I struggle with this realization on a daily basis. To help me deal with all of this, I listen to music. And when I am going through a particularly rough time, I tend to hyperfocus on one song, listening to it on repeat for hours, and sometimes days. I fall into the music and just let my thoughts go wherever they wish.
As I am writing this, my current song on repeat isĀ āHurtā by Johnny Cash. I actually had this huge introspective thing written out but I wasnāt sure where I was going with it, so I deleted it. Just mainly talking about how life isnāt what I thought it would be, and although there has been a lot of good, there has also been a lot of bad. And how Iām trying so damn hard every day to smile and be what everyone wants/needs me to be, but I feel like Iām failing so many people.
Iāve been trying to put into words what Iām feeling, what I want, and right now nothing comes out right. I feel like Iām just typing random words and hoping something makes sense. I want to be better. Thatās the best I can come up with right now.
