I thought of experiences that have spared my reality and gave me the knowledge to cope. Becoming the person that I had envisioned in my thoughts of hope are forgotten in moments of reality. I cannot feel for I had no choice. Often falling short of my expectations of who I am meant to be as your mother. There was no handbook or guide as to reactions to have in those moments that life hit you the hardest. Expectations were always there and now somehow I am questioning those daily. Daily I try to show this in how I live hoping to share that love and understanding somehow to give back. Empowerment comes to my mind as I empower parents to be voices of wisdom. I have grown and over the past months I have become quiet . Maybe I view life differently and little did I acknowledge until now what a journey I have endured in personal growth. In my world I always feel as if I am not doing enough and through these painful months I now believe that I was more valuable than what I acknowledged. I was strong when no one was watching, excelling my skills to provide a life that I knew I could achieve not perfect but a step above of what a broken person could achieve. I never saw failure as an option because my essence came from a woman that knew and never depended on anyone. Not because it was her choice but it was the only choice that was given to her. A survivor one that had a quality of strength and determination when life had not given her those options. I am a mirror of her . I realized that my growth was from me realizing that she did the best she could because she was broken herself. In this knowledge I forgive myself for the hard expectations I had on my self as a mother and every role I occupy in my life. I fought hard for stability for you. The outlook of positivity helped and although not perfection I know that I have taught you to be kind to others but wise enough to love yourself. I still stand in amazement as I donβt know still to this day how my brokenness could have raised you. One day I want this to be your guide for if we were free of mistakes in this world we would self absorbed and bitter. Life is waiting for you at your own time and rate. You will achieve what is meant for your journey just like I have achieved in mind. Achievement doesnβt always come in money or profession most times it comes from growth and beauty a soul portrays onto this world!
By Susana Rendon
