#shuhei

The chill in the air went right to the bone…No it was deeper than that-to the heart. When had Izuru last slept? Was it days? No…It must've been weeks. Weeks of staring up at a sky that refused to let him rest. Weeks of pacing the floors of his quarters at all hours of the night because the moment he allowed his head to hit the pillow it all became too much. Weeks of watching his friends move on without him because even they'd grown tired of him. Weeks of wishing that he could close his eyes and never wake up again. 

Why was he spared? Why was he brought back? Questions rushed through his mind like blood weeping from a wound. 

Had anybody noticed? That he had isolated himself? He certainly didn't think so. Not when he locked himself away for days on end, only emerging for work. His body ached, his head pounded and the things he used to find joy in suddenly felt useless. What was the point of enjoying life when he felt so numb? 

The war changed everyone, he knew he wasn't alone in that but he didn't feel it was a stretch to say it changed him more than most. He couldn't look in the mirror anymore-he didn't recognize the man starting back. When he undressed-he couldn't face his own body. Not when it had changed so much. Not when the physical pain he felt whenever he moved his arm a certain way overwhelmed him. The physical pain was only just one part of it-it was mental pain too. He mourned for himself-for the man he used to be. The man who spent time with his friends and wrote in his spare time. 

He started to notice that those he once called friends stopped approaching him. He noticed the way they all looked at him, like he was some monster. Like he was no better than the hollows they fought. 

Did they mourn for him when they thought he had died? That moment replayed in his head on loop but he couldn't imagine anybody mourning him. His life had ended in the blink of an eye, it was so quick that he couldn't even remember if he felt pain at the time. He supposed he must've, he had an entire chunk of his body blasted off but all he could remember was the regret he felt. Regret that he had failed to protect those who relied on him. 

But then, he woke up a changed man. Was he grateful to be saved? At the time he supposed he felt something similar to that but it was difficult to remain positive when he felt so disconnected. 

Izuru walked through the sereitai, he didn't even know what time it was…He didn't really care. He just knew he needed to get out of his own head. In the distance he could hear the echoes of wooden training swords hitting something. Who would be awake at this hour other than him? He shrugged it off and found himself walking to the edge of the stream that was situated behind the barracks. He stared down at the reflection in the water-the reflection he didn't recognize anymore. The sounds of the wooden sword subsided and left him alone with just the sounds of the trickling stream. He continued to look at the man he didn't recognize as he crouched down to dip his fingers into the cold water. The water was icy and the way it engulfed his fingers made him feel somewhat alive. He'd thought about what it would be like to dive into the icy waters before. There was a large lake further behind the barracks, it was surrounded by trees and Izuru often found himself thinking of allowing himself to fall in. What would it feel like if the cold abyss surrounded his weary body? What if he didn't fight it and allowed it to consume him? Would it hurt? When the water filled his lungs would he feel it?  

Izuru brought his fingers out from the chilled water and turned his hand over to admire the way the water had turned his skin a deep purple color. Was he dead or alive? He certainly felt things like pain, cold or heat but his emotions were nothing, non-existent. It was as if someone had reached in and pulled out all the feelings that made him feel alive but left all the pain. 

A sigh left his lips as he plunged his hand back into the water-he let the water accept up to his wrist. Sucking a sharp breath in through his teeth he embraced the way the cold water started to make his hand feel swollen and numb. The way the water made his hand feel was exactly how he felt on the inside. Cold, numb and frozen. 

Izuru lifted his head just in time to see a familiar figure crossing over to him. It was Shuhei, how had Izuru not sensed the spiritual pressure? Was Shuhei hiding it from him? Or was he so engrossed in his own head that he hadn't even noticed? Either way the sight of the other man wasn't exactly welcome. Not when Izuru felt the way he felt at that moment. 

“Izuru? What're you doing out here so late?” Shuhei asked as he crouched down beside him. Izuru shook his head 

“Just thinking.” Izuru replied-his voice low and the lack of emotion did nothing to ease Shuhei's worries. Shuhei's gaze dropped to the hand of his best friend that still remained plunged in the near frozen water. 

“Izuru! Get your hand out, what the hell are you doing?’ Shuhei shouted but before Izuru could react he felt Shuhei's hand grip onto his wrist before yanking it out of the water. Little droplets of water fell from Izuru's hand and landed on Shuhei's thigh as he held it. Shuhei took the hand between both of his hands and rubbed it vigorously to warm it back up. 

“What the hell are you doing? You'll freeze.” Shuhei scolded but all Izuru could focus on was how warm Shuhei's hands felt around his own. He said nothing-just allowed his friend to use the friction to warm him back up. 

“You gonna say something?” Shuhei asked through foggy eyes before allowing Izuru's hand to drop from where he was holding it. 

“What's there to say?” Izuru asked with a harsh tone before standing up. Shuhei mirrored him and the two of them stood eye to eye for a moment, neither of them speaking a word. That moment went by at a snail's pace. Shuhei couldn't read Izuru's expression but he never could anymore. 

Izuru didn't know what to think, his mind was in such a spiral and he didn't know how to break himself out of it. Even as he stood staring at his best friend-he felt as if he was being buried alive. 

“Izuru…” Shuhei muttered 

“I'm worried…We're all worried. We miss you…I miss you.” Shuhei spoke but his words barely registered in Izuru's head. 

“I've been here, haven't I?” Izuru asked without moving a muscle on his face. His expression remained as stagnant as a puddle of water in a swamp. 

“No, you haven't…Not since…” Shuhei trailed off when he suddenly felt unable to look his friend in the eye. It was true-before Izuru’s injury he had developed serious feelings for him. His heart would flutter anytime they were together, beads of sweat would form on the back of his head but after the injuries Shuhei didn't know how to approach him. He was glad that Izuru was alive but he didn't know what to do with that information. Because Izuru wasn't the same man he once was. He was distant and hollow-it wasn't his fault, he had undergone something traumatic and had serious modifications done to his body. His body which Shuhei mourned for because any feelings they'd once shared for each other had been shut out. The fleeting moments, the stolen glances and above all-the kiss. Did Izuru remember the kiss? It was barely a kiss but Shuhei remembered it all too well. He remembered the summer breeze catching them both off guard, he remembered the sound of cicadas surrounding them as they shared sake under the moon’s gaze and he remembered the moment Izuru pressed his chapped lips to Shuhei's softer ones. Shuhei could still feel the way Izuru's slender fingers brushed across Shuhei's cheek but the kiss was so quick. They both felt it was wrong-they were friends but more than that, they were comrades. 

“Since what?” Izuru prodded but Shuhei couldn't acknowledge him. His heart had retreated into the pit of his stomach.

Izuru could sense the trepidation, what game was Shuhei playing? 

“You've changed, that's all.” Shuhei said but he instantly regretted his words the moment he said them. The look in Izuru's eyes broke him in ways he hadn't expected.

Izuru closed his eyes and tore his gaze away from the man in front of him. He felt rage boiling from deep inside his chest. 

“I've changed.” Izuru replied and he couldn't help the mocking tone in his voice. 

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that…” Shuhei urged 

“I'd like to see you or anyone else go through all the changes I've experienced and remain the same.” Izuru said but he found it hard to look at Shuhei again. He turned away and felt tears stinging the corners of his eyes. He hadn't felt tears or anything close to them since before the war. He was starting to think he was incapable of crying, incapable of emotions but as one of the tears fell from his eyes and slid down his cheek he realized he was wrong. He felt emotion, he just didn't feel joy. 

“Would you look at me?” Shuhei's voice was soft when he spoke and Izuru let out a shaky breath before turning to look at him. The look on Shuhei's face softened when he saw the tears falling from Izuru's eyes. 

“Izu-”

“Don't. Just don't. Just…Leave me alone, alright? I'm better on my own.” Izuru's voice shook but even as he spoke he couldn't move. He wanted to push Shuhei out of the way and leave. Why? Why was Shuhei here? Izuru remembered everything, the way Shuhei’s lips felt against his own, the way his breath hitched when Izuru kissed him and he also remembered feeling like a fool afterwards. Because there were no words exchanged about the kiss afterwards. Izuru remembered, he kept waiting for the subject to come up but it never did. They went back to their normal lives after that. Was it a mistake? Izuru didn't regret it, even for a moment but he thought perhaps Shuhei did. Because after all, Izuru was the one who kissed him. 

Shuhei reached out and grabbed Izuru's hand once more, not his prosthetic hand but his real hand. The hand that Shuhei remembered brushing against his cheek. It was once so warm and solid but even as he held it in that moment he realized all the warmth was gone. 

“Just…Talk to me. I'm here.” Shuhei pleaded 

“What's there to say?” Izuru asked 

“Anything. I want you to say anything just…Talk to me.” Shuhei practically begged and he could've sworn he saw a flicker of recognition in Izuru's eyes. 

“Why didn't you say anything? After I kissed you?” Izuru asked and Shuhei couldn't ignore the pit growing in his stomach. 

“What?” Was all he managed to say 

“I'm pretty sure you heard me…” Izuru muttered in response 

“You didn't approach me either last time I checked.” Shuhei spat as he looked down and noticed he was still holding onto Izuru's trembling hand. 

“What do you want me to say right now, Shuhei? I don't have the energy. Not anymore.” Izuru’s words held a quiet finality to them but as he made to snatch his hand away he felt Shuhei's grip tighten. 

“Stay.” Shuhei blurted out 

Izuru felt tears streaming down his cheeks, they were warm on his cold skin and as he looked Shuhei in the eyes he couldn't help but feel some sense of relief. Relief because he was feeling such a rollercoaster of emotions and he had abandoned the idea of feeling anything other than pain. 

“Give me a reason to stay.” Izuru muttered and Izuru swore he could hear Shuhei's heart thumping in his chest. 

Shuhei opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He stared at the blonde man in front of him, he had long since assumed that the Izuru he once knew was gone but Shuhei could see the reminisce of the man he once knew. The increasing pounding of his own heart made him feel like his chest was going to burst open. 

Shuhei tightened his grip on Izuru's hand while yanking the other man towards him. Izuru froze while Shuhei allowed their lips to crash together. Shuhei kissed him like he was making up for lost time and despite all previous protests, Izuru kissed him back with the same vigor. The kiss was completely different from the first one they shared together, it was all teeth and tongues but it felt right. Letting Izuru's hand drop, Shuhei pressed a hand on either side of Izuru's cheeks. They kissed like they were breathing life into each other, Izuru had never been kissed like that in his life. Neither of them wanted it to end. They parted for a moment to breathe before diving back in. Izuru melted further into the kiss as his hands found the small of Shuhei's back. Shuhei traced one of his hands up and ran his fingers through Izuru's blonde hair. A groan escaped Izuru's mouth, the feeling of Shuhei's hand in his hair made him breathless. 

When they finally parted, a string of saliva held them together for a moment before breaking. Shuhei stared at Izuru who looked more like the man he once knew. Izuru's cheeks were all flushed and his lips were an intense shade of pink. 

“Does that give you reason to stay?” Shuhei asked despite feeling lightheaded. Izuru let out a long sigh before letting his head fall into the other man's chest. Shuhei's eyes widened but he wrapped his arms around Izuru and held him tight. 

Izuru didn't know how to tell Shuhei but he was pretty sure that the simple act of kissing may have put life back into him. It felt as if he could see color again for the first time in forever. Izuru breathed in his scent before closing his eyes to enjoy the feeling of arms wrapped tightly around him.