#shitty kickflips

the end of this vid talked about finding or, if it's not yet there, making community. i found it motivating and moving. that's the next thing I want to put time and energy towards. finding local community to become enmeshed in, to support people and be supported and bond with them…

I also even more so want to put time and energy towards founding/facilitating community with my friends. (addressing the parts of me who are being critical: I've had other things to focus on recently! there wasn't time to focus on this! I'm/you're/we're not "a failure" or "lazy" or "ungrateful" or "not trying hard enough" or "not good enough" because we haven't put time and effort into this yet or because it hasn't happened yet! there hasn't been brainspace or time! and it also doesn't mean that our—very good—friends aren't interested in this kind of community or don't *actually* like us that much or anything like that. it's… okay… *phew*

so. okay. back on train on thought. (choo choo).

hosting stuff is hard. i'd like help with that. my variable energy levels are also really hard to work around, I think. I hold back from committing to things b/c I'm afraid I will have to bail b/c tired or depressed. also new people are hard. and my perfectionism/perfectionist tendencies (self-criticism if anything I initiate / spearhead has any flaws). and rejection sensitivity. blegh. well, at least good to know about(!); allows for me to account for them a lil'. agh. just want a hug, now.

anywho… well… I think I mainly wanted to express my intention to orient myself, my focus, my energy towards building and facilitating some more community (emphasis on regular, repeating events) for myself within my existing friendships (and without, in my local area… and maybe beyond, but travel time and new people are scary and difficult).

uh, I guess hmu about this kinda thing if you know me. I find it quite difficult (and feel insecure about having too little energy to contribute to organising it / bailing on stuff) but I also deeply want more of it.

- shitty kickflips

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