#shitperson

Confessions of a night time rambler #1

Do you ever lay awake at night just thinking? I’m sure you do. Everyone does. But I’m talking about the deep thoughts that come clawing their way out from your subconscious, burdening you with their sickening dark truths. I’m used to giving myself excuses, turning a blind eye to my own mistakes and blaming external forces for my misfortunes. But tonight was different. For some reason I had a revelation that I, despite my own daily reassurances, am still a shit person. 

When I realised how long it took me to become aware of this, to even accept this fact, I felt miserable. Well at least I still have the capacity to. (Cue laughter). Most of this misery comes from guilt. Why hadn’t I noticed earlier? Why didn’t I do anything about it? Why am I such a shit person? 

You know, I always regarded myself as being better than I was before, in previous years. In a sense, I am. I have improved in areas that I’ve wanted to improve in, have worked hard for. But at the same time, I had neglected so many things that I realise now are important to me. They always were, I was just too busy trying to be something I am not. 

I know I’m being really vague here, but I guess even if everything is anonymous, I’m still afraid of laying out the bare truth. That’s what I realised is a major fault of mine. Even when I know no one else but I will lay eyes on my words, or even have the knowledge that they exist, I continue to lie. I’ve written diary entries before where I intentionally lied about what I thought, how I felt. What was I afraid of? That someone would judge me on what I said? Honey, no one is going to read that entry but you. And in the future, you will forget what you really meant. Then you really will believe the lies you wove yourself. But it doesn’t stop there. I probably lie to myself on a daily basis, inside my head, twisting the truth around so much that I even start to believe it myself. And who can get into my head? No one. Not one single person, and I still lie. Why do I do this? Am I that afraid of being selfish? Of being judged? Of people knowing who I really am?

Probably.