#shinhye

I love all the major lore drops we've been getting, all the confirmations and the new info and the things we didn't think we'd be getting so soon re: Nol's past and esp Nessa and Rand's past, but I've been chomping at the bit to get back to Kousuke and Shinhye, esp given that's where we started out hiatus out at! And oh my GOD the waiting has been so worth it, this episode was SO delicious.

Kousuke is SO soggy, so sad and miserable, and I just want to bundle him up in a swaddle. I keep that man in my pocket forever. He's my adoptive son and I will try to fix everything ;____;

The state of pure misery he's in over finding out so much of Yui's love was a lie is just brutal. The way he states that he feels like he can't go on when asking Shinhye how she dealt with it and moved on, because the weight of this enlightenment is so heavy and crushing. Because what can you trust and believe when your very own mother, your loving mother was a lie and did nothing but manipulated you?

I love his entire conversation with Shinhye because while Kousuke is dealing with something grievously horrible, Shinhye is right. His suffering doesn't negate others. She, too, has never gotten to know a normal and affectionate family. She, too, suffered from the hands of an abusive, manipulative mother, who put her in harms way and used her. It was so important for Kousuke to have this conversation and know that no matter how alone he currently feels, he is not the first and only person in the world to go through this experience. He's not alone. And the most depressing part is how much he appreciated that conversation, how much it meant to him.

He may be pulling a Rand in wanting to pay someone off to keep their silence, but I think it was really telling that Kousuke asked how much she needed, noting the debts she's caught in, noting that she's still trying to break fully free of her mothers' hold and that it would likely require monetary assistance to do so. We know Kousuke so often throws his money around in a pompous, show off-y way, but this didn't feel like that. This felt like someone who found a kindred spirit and wanted to help them fully escape. It's a large deviation from the Kousuke who refused to help Shinae out as a monetary favor earlier in the webtoon, and while he's VERY inebriated and would likely not have made such an offer, his inebriation also lets us know that this is raw, vulnerable Kousuke without his guard up, shed of the role he's been trained to play.

We see this, too, in the way Kousuke wants to know Shinhye's name because it doesn't feel right to keep calling her Miss Housekeeper. They've made a connection, he feels a kindred spirit with her, how can he just keep calling her by her job when she deserves to be addressed by name? I genuinely love this side of Kousuke, even if we have to see him at his soggiest, most pathetic to see it. That there's a part of him that does care about people, that does know how to be good to people, under the hard armor and the reflexes drilled into him to loft himself above others and to keep people at arms' length.

Even his inebriated ability to admit how much he envies people with normal, loving families. We can get that sense of the many ways Shinae has appealed to him - Shinae with her remarkably good relationship with her father (in his eyes). Shinae who treats her father to simple treats because these are things they share - something he's never had with Rand and has only yearned for.

And speaking of her, my GOD I love the moment he addressed "her" when he denied her phone call, admitting he simply cannot talk to her, esp like this, that he needs to talk to her face to face to address the ways he treated her. My gut leans to sober Kousuke not having the resolve to have that conversation, but I'd love to be surprised by h him. It's harder for him to face Nol, but maybe facing Shinae and admitting that yes, he was trying to mold her and he knows it was wrong and that he sincerely apologizes for it could be easier. He definitely isn't proud of the way he emulated Yui fully.

I think it could be the start of an interesting relationship between the two, as well, to have this understanding out there. Again, with all the puzzle pieces that Shinae is collecting about Nol, for Kousuke to admit that he was trying to create an extension of himself in her (and it doesn't miss me that his eyes were closed when he said this, which means I think it's still not out the window that what else he was doing was seeking a do-over with Nol via Shinae, to do everything he thought he could have and should have with Nol) it might give her a better understanding of Kousuke and some insight into why Nol was never able to stand Kousuke and why they've never been able to get along. I don't think Kousuke would dare admit he found himself behaving like his mom because that opens a can of worms that he's not ready for, but I think genuinely for Shinae, a sincere apology is all she'd ask for.

But as much as I love soggy wet cat patheticest man in the world Kousuke, I ALSO LOVE so much that we got such a significant peek into Shinhye's past and the things that transpired since leaving Simhan and Shinae.

The reveal of her mother being so manipulative and abusive is, unfortunately, not a surprise and kind of what I was expecting, right down to Shinhye leaving her mother and probably having had to fend for herself for quite a while. Shinhye is 13 months older than Shinae, who is 17 yet, to turn 18 in April, which means Shinhye turns 19 in March. She's so young!!! All this while I thought she was at least 21 but no, she's SO young! And she's already saddled with debt from her mothers' mistakes (gambling, various ploys to get more money, get out of debt/shed her debt, etc). Shinhye notes that she used her (probably pushed her into situations to play a role to con people), neglected her (we even saw this when she still lived with Shinae and how Mom was never home to tuck the kids in), and "put her in dangerous situations".

This opens the door to a LOT of things. Dangerous situations could be so many things. Taking her to seedy places and leaving her on her own around creepy people while she goes and takes care of business. Making her go break into peoples' houses to go steal from them (she has to have learned to break and enter and sneak so well somewhere). It's even been suggested that she could have been "offered" to men in some way because she didn't seem very comfortable taking Kousuke's money. Honestly, there's so many dangerous situations she could have put her own daughter in, whether to garner money or because she herself was trying to get money/curry favors and her daughter just happened to... be there.

I do find her refusal to take Kousuke's money interesting, because while I understand her not wanting to do a money transfer (she doesn't want to give her name, it would be traceable, and while she probably took the coat and watch under the impression that he wouldn't notice those things missing as he has so many, if he did notice, she wanted to be untraceable and long gone), she still could have taken the cash and ran. I think she really did experience a moral dilemma of sorts - that she'd already taken what she did and taking more after making this connection felt gross. But I think we can't discount the possibility of taking money as being something that makes her feel uncomfortable, even if it would have aided her with her debts. And maybe that was part of it, too - as much as she wanted to take him up on the offer, she couldn't, because of the tracing. Idk. I like to think it could be both - the wanting to but the tracing as well as the guilt, feeling bad that this person opened up so fully to her, and she's robbing him in front of his eyes LMAO and didn't want to take more than she had that would be even more suspicious. I think it creates an interesting read into her.

Unfortunately I worry what will happen with Kousuke finding out she was stealing from him. I feel like he won't call the police because she said she's been struggling and he might actually empathize with this and understand she did what she did out of a struggle, but it could absolutely shatter his trust all over again. The person who made him feel less alone, who made him feel seen and validated was a thief and how much can he actually believe. How much of what she told him was real vs how much was to get his guard down? I really want to hope for the impossible he thinks that this is what she does to feel alive, to get by, but I worry more than anything he'll just feel worse. Betrayed, again. ;~;

It doesn't help that just moments before this, he knicked himself accidentally on his razor and her line about "what makes you feel alive" was set upon the panel of him dripping blood. I've always worried he'll cope with alcohol addiction and maybe drugs but I'm SO worried about the likelihood now of self-harm.

Also once again, shout out to Jayce, who may not be the father but is the father who STEPPED up because my GOD does that man care about Kousuke. His worry after the homeless man who received Kousuke's leftovers was found dead the next night (ate the leftovers, got knocked out so hard that frostbite got him and he never woke back up ;~;) and presumed to be because of alcohol, he thought immediately of Kousuke and went right back to his place to check on him, AND apprehended a thief, all while worried whether or not Kousuke was okay. I fear for Jayce's life all the time because I worry Yui is going to do something to him, esp now that he's keeping Kousuke's secrets but PLS do not harm that man. Kousuke needs him. His family needs him ;~;