Dear Mom,
I’m grateful to you for teaching me to “file it”. That has come in handy my entire life. You said if I can’t use the information right now, file it away in my brain because it might be useful to me later.
I’m grateful that you’d stay up with me and taught me how to give strong arguments and presentations through preparation.
I’m grateful that you didn’t know how to be a mom, but you still tried to take care of me. You kept food in my belly (as well as Pops’ belly). We both know he wasn’t able to do that for us; but he’s a loving man, and we also know that, don’t we?
I think you made a choice when you didn’t have to. I wish you had realized sooner how smart you are and how capable you are; it didn’t have to be like this but you did what you could. I’m not angry with you and I hope you know that. It’s just hard to have the same trust and build trust from this point. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I think you’ll have an easier time trusting me going forward than I will have trusting my family. I don’t mean just you. I do want to be someone you can trust. You’re getting older and I’m your only child. I do want to make sure you’re okay because to me, and my culture (our culture although you sometimes appear to have rescinded your Japanese identity), it’s important to do that for our parents. I can’t seem to break that part of my identity, and I don’t want to.
Love,
Z
Ps. Neither you nor Pops are consequential people. Meaning, you don’t truly consider the consequences of decisions made in your life (nor mine). Maybe that’s where I come in. It took me a while to get here but I’m here now. You do have love in your life although it’s hurting.
Pps. Let go of the anger you feel towards Grandma. Someone’s passing should wake us up, could change us. Please allow that to happen. She did wonders for the both of us. The women in our family suffer from a Jealousy Curse; just think of it that way. As a “curse” we need to break. It’s more than possible. I did it. That means all of you can do it, too.
