Dear Mom,
Iām grateful to you for teaching me to āfile itā. That has come in handy my entire life. You said if I canāt use the information right now, file it away in my brain because it might be useful to me later.
Iām grateful that youād stay up with me and taught me how to give strong arguments and presentations through preparation.
Iām grateful that you didnāt know how to be a mom, but you still tried to take care of me. You kept food in my belly (as well as Popsā belly). We both know he wasnāt able to do that for us; but heās a loving man, and we also know that, donāt we?
I think you made a choice when you didnāt have to. I wish you had realized sooner how smart you are and how capable you are; it didnāt have to be like this but you did what you could. Iām not angry with you and I hope you know that. Itās just hard to have the same trust and build trust from this point. It doesnāt mean itās impossible. I think youāll have an easier time trusting me going forward than I will have trusting my family. I donāt mean just you. I do want to be someone you can trust. Youāre getting older and Iām your only child. I do want to make sure youāre okay because to me, and my culture (our culture although you sometimes appear to have rescinded your Japanese identity), itās important to do that for our parents. I canāt seem to break that part of my identity, and I donāt want to.
Love,
Z
Ps. Neither you nor Pops are consequential people. Meaning, you donāt truly consider the consequences of decisions made in your life (nor mine). Maybe thatās where I come in. It took me a while to get here but Iām here now. You do have love in your life although itās hurting.
Pps. Let go of the anger you feel towards Grandma. Someoneās passing should wake us up, could change us. Please allow that to happen. She did wonders for the both of us. The women in our family suffer from a Jealousy Curse; just think of it that way. As a ācurseā we need to break. Itās more than possible. I did it. That means all of you can do it, too.
