Am i falling for a straight girl, once again?

I would never forget that episode were babe Vause (Alex, from oitnb) said “Never fall for the straight girl”. And there you have it, common knowledge for lesbians that I choose to ignore somehow. 

Why am I feeling this lack of resistance? I know this girl, I used to have a crush on her until she  clearly said to me that she was straight but we could be friends. I took my distance and then became a friend, as i got to knew her more I could see a lot of traits that I didn't like in a partner. Making the fact that I was no longer interested in her in that way attainable. 

In the after math, within time I saw another side of her...one that I did like. A vulnerable, open, creative yet sweetly acquiescent woman. A girl I could take care of and make happy while feeling good. Between hugs, kisses on the cheek, long nights and movie days I have started to doubt my feelings... is it possible that I’m liking her again? I care for her in a very specific way. I want her to get better if she is sick, I want her to be better with her personal choices. I want to be there when she needs to. Maybe deep inside I want her to hug me and take my hand shamelessly.

So what to do now?  Should I believe everything will be okay? She suddenly will stop playing and give this whole “i like this girl” a try? I know this will not happen, that’s not her, even when I can feel her questioning herself. I read her messages, I read how lucky she feels to have me.  Would she  stop asking herself  why am i so cute/good to her and consider me as a choice? And anyways why am I so nice to her?!! I don’t even see myself with this girl, i know better. 

I should know better by now....but some days I’m not so sure. Some days she seems sweeter and keeps me warm, makes me believe that I can be that person for her and she could for me. 

IN THE MEANTIME.....

I literally am in a transitional space right now. What I want in life right now is not what I used to want. What I used to want doesn’t even matter to me anymore. It’s weird. I still like the same things, I still do the same things, but they don’t complete me anymore because I already feel complete in a sense. 

For the longest time, I connected status, career and fame to happiness. Notoriety equalled well-being. I don’t want to believe that this way of thinking was attributed to the way my generation collectively thinks, but I think that’s the truth...partially.

But also, I grew up in an area that really didn’t value who I was, no matter how much money I had. Where I lived, people of color didn’t matter. Black people didn’t matter, unless they were celebrities. So I wanted to matter. Then I realized, there are communities of color where people like me didn’t have to prove anything to be seen as special. 

I’ve officially left that lala land of a city and now I’m able to interact with people that are just like me, and it’s great. No complaints yet. And, I’ve realized that there is more to life than trying to matter to other people in general, no matter who they are. I just have to matter to myself. My quest to “matter” is over. Now, I seriously don’t know what to do with myself.