#shadowsing

the eyeroll she gave him was paired with a playful grin as he took the box from her hands. “i’m pregnant, not injured, i can carry a few boxes by myself you know.” despite that though she sits in the rocking chair they placed in the corner of the nursery. she wouldn’t admit outright, but being pregnant did make her more tired that she initially thought it would. she also wouldn’t admit that carrying the boxes into the room did make her winded, but knowing cassian he most likely took notice of it.

getting her cycle only twice a year had been one of the benefits of being high fae, the downside was they were excruciatingly painful. to the point it left her debilitated, she spent most of her cycle either in bed or in the bath. typically cassian had to carry her to and from both places, she was always in too much agony to ever be embarrassed about it. she was never embarrassed about the blood either, there was no point when her mate had seen plenty of gore in his lifetime that this was probably nothing to him. for nesta it was her own stubbornness that was difficult to get over, she wasn’t used to someone caring for her. whenever she was in any kind of pain or had gotten sick she toughed it out on her own, thinking it would somehow make her weak. at least now she knows that was a foolish way of feeling, however she has done it for so long that she’s finding it difficult to rewire her brain. even if it is her own mate wanting to take care of her.

even if she wanted to nesta couldn’t stop the heavy eye roll she gave him. “you’re what, five-hundred something years old? practically immortal and you’re telling me you don’t have any time for fun?” she assumed he was joking, but as she continued to stare him down she realized he very well could be serious. after all, he's been living in the house of wind with her and cassian for a while now and she’s never seen him partake in any sort of hobby. and no she didn’t consider training on the rooftop a hobby.

“then you are one of the few because the rest of your friends seem to think that i need to change.” she keeps her eyes averted from him, choosing to stare far out at the city lights across the sidra. her lending the mask to bryce to help save her world was still a touchy topic of conversation amongst the group. as well as the fact that bryce gave nesta her sword and that sword happened to be gwydion. and like hell is she going to allow rhysand to touch it. when another argument broke out about her choices, she found refuge on one of the balconies of the house of wind and it wasn’t long until azriel joined her.

nesta realized quite quickly that she will never be enough for them. feyre’s friend group will always see her as nothing but the sister who didn’t help feyre enough, the selfish sister, the one who always makes the wrong choices in their eyes. nothing she does will ever be enough, she’s already done so much already. she tried telling herself it didn’t bother her, after all she was satisfied with the choices she’s made recently and proud of herself for what she’s accomplished even if their little group wasn’t. but it never feels good being around people who are quick to pass judgement on her and her decisions. unfortunately, she had to see the inner circle more than she would have liked so the feeling has been eating away at her.

azriel’s decision to reside in the dusk court with her had been a shock. his intentions were still unknown to her because of her hesitation to ask him outright. in her head there were two probabilities; either he pitied her because she’s pregnant and because of her decision to keep it a secret for now she would be going through it alone. or he’s bidding his time until her child is born so he can take them from her and whisk them away to the night court. to his brother. nesta didn’t want to believe azriel capable of the latter, but he was incredibly loyal to both his brothers. although he had always been a good friend to her it would be foolish for her to possibly think he would choose his loyalty to her over his brothers. even if something more had grown between them over the past month that he’s been here. something that both of them had tried and ultimately failed to repress. the two had shared an impulsive kiss last night, one she thinks azriel regrets considering his swift exit afterwards.

she imagined the scene before them would appear quite comical to anyone who would walk in on them. the two of them sat on either ends of the very long dining table, much to nesta’s disdain. she had been the first to arrive at breakfast and thought sitting at one end would make azriel more comfortable, but she didn’t think him to be ridiculous enough to sit at the other end. when he had sat she casted a withering look toward him and sighed. there was no greeting from either of them and they ate their breakfast in silence. when the clashing of silverware against the dishware became too much for nesta she pinned him with a steely look. “are we not going to talk about what happened last night? we’re just going to pretend we didn’t kiss?”

there was nothing but silence from him and nesta couldn’t gauge what he was feeling and after a few minutes she believed he wouldn’t respond. she didn’t blame him, there was something fundamentally wrong with her. something that made people never choose her and ashamed they felt anything toward her. perhaps she had grown accustomed to this feeling because the tears she braced herself for never came or maybe she had just built those walls of ice too thick this time around. with her appetite gone, she pushed her plate away and made way to get up when a shadow wrapped itself around her wrist, making her look toward azriel. "every second, i want you too much, and every second, i'm on the verge of wanting you more."

this was one of nesta’s favorite spots in the dusk court; a grassy hill that overlooked the sea and the town. she had flown on calista here with azriel following alongside them. it never ceased to amaze her that this island was once the prison, anyone who steps foot here wouldn’t think this place used to be a place from hell. thinking about it, it mirrored nesta quite well. a girl who once was corroded with such anger and sadness, a storm always brewing inside her had now found some light within herself. but that light is not enough to shine through the darkness that will always be inside her. like dusk she was between light and dark.

her and azriel were going over the plan for his next mission; to see how things were faring in the autumn court. nesta’s original plan was to simply invite eris here and get any information she could from him. the male’s affections for her did not lessen since they had danced in the court of nightmares and both she and him knew how to play the game of the courts well. picking information from him wouldn’t be too hard. however, azriel didn’t seem fond of the idea and frankly neither nesta nor him liked dealing with him. so the solution had been simple, azriel would spend a few days in the autumn court lurking in the shadows.

“no matter what, you can always count on me.”

her mind has been a tornado of what if’s and various possible scenarios ever since azriel came to the dusk court earlier in the evening. her friend’s arrival was unexpected, but welcomed. the last time she saw azriel was when they bid each other farewell on the day she left for her new court. that was months ago. she was beaming when she saw him, throwing her arms around him in greeting. however, it was short lived when azriel informed her he was aware she was pregnant with cassian’s child. it wouldn’t have been so shocking if it wasn’t for the fact she was hiding her pregnancy; her small bump was barely noticeable with the flowy dress she was wearing and she was using magic to disguise her scent.

no one should have been able to know. what made it alarming though was that azriel came here because she was pregnant. how he knew that when they were in different courts and no one in her court was even aware of it yet unnerved her. maybe his shadows told him or maybe one of elain’s visions, if it was the latter then she feared her sister would have told everyone not realizing nesta wanted it to be a secret. she tried to settle her rising panic, if that was the case surely cassian would have been here right now. or maybe that’s why azriel was here, to be the neutral party between her and cassian.

nesta knew once someone from the inner circle found out they would make an appearance, whether it was to ask for her to return to velaris, reconnect with cassian ( even though he was the one who made his choice about remaining in the night court ), or worst of all try to get her to hand over her baby for cassian to raise. she knew her sisters wouldn’t do something like that, but she can’t say the same for the rest of them, not when she knew how loyal they were to rhysand. he could order them to get her just for cassian’s sake. and she knew he would play it off in a way that would make it seem like it was benefitting her, as if it would be for her own good. it wasn’t as if she was keeping the baby from cassian, not exactly anyway, she simply didn’t want him to change his mind about ruling at her side because a child is involved. all she wanted was for him to choose her, for once, over rhysand. perhaps she was giving cassian too much credit, maybe he still wouldn’t want to stay here even knowing she was pregnant. he’d probably want to raise them in the night court.