#shadowpanda

Written by shadowpanda

"I've got it all planned out." The introvert whispers with a maniacal glint in their eye. "I have canned meat, potato chips, my laptop, my charger- everything I could possibly need during the apocalypse in my room! It wouldn't even matter if they got into my house as long as they stay out of my room- I wouldn't need to step outside!"

Upon further questioning, our local introvert clammed up and retreated back to their room, mumbling something that sounded like, "too much social interaction for today".

It's a shame as this reporter was planning to ask how they would go to the bathroom or open the cans. Perhaps we'll finish this interview the next time our local introvert comes out of their room! I hear chocolate cake is an excellent lure...

Written by shadowpanda

Millennial sees university student and talks about DVDs and small televisions in the shape of a square nostalgically. The millennial concludes that the student has it much easier now and wouldn’t remember the “good ‘ole days” as it was before they were born.

The millennial finally stops talking two hours later and the student tells them that they played with cassettes (much to their parents’ dismay), faced the blue screen of death, and had a slinky and Tamagochi as toys. “I’m not that young,” the student says, dead serious, before walking off to a lecture two hours late. The millennial stares at the back of the student, in pure shock, before attempting to stop the student again to talk about more things they’re sure the student is too young to know about.

By shadowpanda

Google Maps cars are seen all over the city. Mysterious rumours surround these vehicles. Where do they come from? How are they all over the world around this time? Is it really the employees driving the cars or is there some greater force at work? How is Google able to hire these employees all over the world, enough to drive through every city on the maps? Will we find our censored faces (God forbid our faces be seen) on google maps two years from now or earlier?

These are all excellent questions people have asked. Most if not all of them can be answered with a simple Google search, but people would rather speculate. Thus, the people continue to ask these questions.

By shadowpanda

Local university student makes a miraculous discovery! He has forgone sleep in favour of other activities and found his productivity rate rising by 40%! He has never been more on top of his life! He is so efficient, that he managed to switch his chair for a toilet so he wouldn’t have to leave for bathroom breaks during lectures. Unfortunately, he awoke soon after, very late for his lectures and with wet stains in his bed.

“Don’t go to the bathroom in your sleep. It’s a trap!” He claims. The interviewee has refused to answer further questions and wishes to remain anonymous, much to this journalist’s disappointment.

By shadowpanda

Alright people, look alive. Today, my Bae- you know her as ChaoticFairyQueen- and I went to subway for some lunch. I got my sub, my soup, and my drink; the employees laughed when I asked for vegan cheese, but their opinion doesn’t matter to me so whatever. I shrugged it off and sat down to start eating. An old, clearly disabled lady came in with her broken-down walker. Her legs wobbled as she went from table to table, asking for some change. Eventually, she got up to the counter and asked if she could get cold water. The employees were uncomfortable and clearly wanted her out ASAP but they let her get her cold water. I went up to her and asked if I could buy her a sub. She said okay and we went up to the counter. The manager immediately shut us down, saying she won’t have any part in this con. She said the old lady came in daily to ask for change and she adamantly refused to have any part in her con.

Here’s a short info dump: it’s very difficult for old people, especially disabled people to get money. She’s probably getting money from her disability funds but that’s barely enough to make rent, not to mention bills. She might be getting pension money but that’s far from being able to live off of.

She needs money to be able to buy food. That substance people need to eat so they can survive? It’s one thing to pass by someone and not give them change, it’s another thing to outright deny a paying customer for food.

That manager didn’t know anything about the old lady. She doesn’t have any rights to deny her a basic right based on her lucridous opinion, and anyone who runs a business like that shouldn’t be running a business. Anyone who denies someone else a basic right based on their discrimatory opinions should take a long, hard look in the mirror and fix themselves.

Honestly I wouldn’t even care if I were conned. I’d rather be conned than be a cruel motherfucker.

She was rude, denied us business because her prejudice, and kicked us out. For that, I give the subway at DuPont station in Toronto, Canada, a -50 stars.

By shadowpanda

BREAKING NEWS!

Trump has officially banned every non-white person from the United States. His followers cheered for him and celebrated until the President himself had his citizenship revoked and was forced to leave America. As it turned out, since the former president is orange, he banned himself from the country in his process of eliminating ‘false’ Americans.

What a great victory for America!