#settle for less

Hundreds of experts across the country have signed an open letter stating that friendships portrayed by modern media are damaging the nation’s mental health. 

The letter comes in response to rising concerns from childless layabouts who claim that having friends as an adult should not be an unobtainable fantasy. 

“The whole structure of our late-capitalist hellscape society completely disincentives adulthood friendships,” said Ololade Fren, spokesperson for the adult friendship advocacy group The Friends of Friendship. “Our lives are consumed by work, the cost of living crisis continues to spiral out of control and our wages have stagnated. 

“The desire to maintain and foster friendships stands in direct opposition with a system that wants to bleed us dry. The rancid ghouls that run everthing leverage the vacant, hollow feeling that remains in order to sell you a fucking smart watch by making it look like a fun time with friends.”

But experts have refuted the Friends of Friendship as “naive children”. They claim that television shows and sitcoms in particular promote an “unhealthy and unrealistic expectation” of prioritising joy over meaningless toil. 

“When you watch a television show that features a tightly-knit friendship group, this can trigger what’s known as sitcom lifestyle dysphoria,” says Professor Chad Blokesworth from Brosdown University. 

“This intense discomfort arises from the incongruence between an individual’s perennial loneliness and the feeling that they should have a core friendship group of their own. Not only do they feel this friendship group should have always existed, but it should be able to withstand seismic vibe shifts such as members starting new jobs, going through breakups or having children.”

Since the global financial crisis of 2008 and the subsequent atomisation of society in the social media age, friendships have increasingly moved online. But depictions of friendship in modern media haven’t kept pace with this trend, and it’s causing emotional distress. 

“The freeform antics depicted in television shows reinforce a harmful stereotype that broke millennials and zoomers with emotionally draining, pointless jobs are able to enjoy themselves,” said Dr Winnie Gurlsbrunch, from the Gal Pal Institute. 

“We have to accept that regular, in-person interaction with our friends is simply an outdated cultural standard. It’s long past time that we moved away from this monolithic view of social interactions as something we do in person as a vital part of our mental wellbeing.”

While some thought leaders have suggested that the refocusing of modern sitcoms around workplaces is a positive move, Dr Gurlsbrunch said it creates an unhealthy expectation of having fun at work.

"As each new generation enters the workplace, they are shocked by the grim and soulless nature of modern employment,” she said. "Shows like The Office or Parks and Recreation are creating an unobtainable standard and distorting expectations. It's only making things worse and it needs to stop.”

Loneliness advocates also chipped in, telling Totally Unbiased News that the whole thing is being blown way out of proportion. 

“It’s an issue of entitlement,” said Rupert Sadboi, a loneliness influencer on Instagram with a single digit following that we included in this article because our slavish devotion to being balanced means we report all viewpoints as being equally valid no matter how demented they are.

“I have no friends, so why should anyone else? Human misery is an essential operating requirement for the machine. It needs us to be physically and emotionally isolated from each other in order to function. Therefore we all have a moral duty to fall in line and make that happen. If we don’t, the entire system could collapse, and then who will plunder the earth’s natural resources or uphold its genocidal regimes? The system is working as intended, and I have an Apple Vision Pro, so I think it’s working pretty great.”

The Labour government recently classified friend groups as a “bloated aspiration that cannot be justified in the current economic climate.” 

The Friends of Friendship were met with indifference after calling upon government ministers to realign society with the founding principles of the Labour party by prioritising the needs of working people over racist oligarchs. 

“You are supposed to be working, not having fun,” said Rachel Reeves, Chancellor of the Exchequer from her reinforced machine gun nest at the heart of Westminster. 

“Decades of neoliberalism has left a blackhole in this nation’s finances that successive governments have failed to address. Now that we’re in charge again, it’s about time someone carried on trying basically the same strategy. To attempt anything else would be insane; like allowing transgender women to compete in women's sport or using women's spaces. 

“What it comes down to, ultimately, is that If your nan can’t have a warm home this winter you certainly can’t have any friends. You all have to make sacrifices. It’s called austerity. Look it up.” 

Settle For Less

Just some random doodles of android!Matthías from the DBH AU currently in progress

Settle For Less by Red Vox

“Just a reflection on my happiness

Only compete with yourself at your best

A separation from the self I possess

Me: SETTLE FOR LESS