#seokmthw

the first time you met hanbin, he was all sharp elbows and righteous fury in a body that still hadn’t figured out how to be big yet.

it was recess, late spring, the kind where the sun made the metal slide too hot to touch and the air smelled like cut grass and chalk dust. you were new enough that the playground still felt like a foreign country, standing near the edge of the blacktop with your hands balled into the hem of your shirt, watching groups of kids stitch themselves into little packs. somewhere near the swings, a boy older than you had a smaller kid cornered, voice loud and mean, shoving him every time he tried to move away.

you didn’t think. you just walked over, heart pounding in your ears like it was trying to warn you back into safety, and planted yourself between them with the kind of bravery children only have because they don’t yet understand consequences.

“leave him alone,” you said, voice shaking but steady enough to hold.

the older boy’s eyes slid over to you, amused, like you were a bug that had learned how to talk. he gave you a lopsided grin, “or what?”

you opened your mouth and closed it again, like a fish out of water because you didn’t actually have a plan — when a second figure stepped into your peripheral, quick and decisive, like he’d been moving before his brain even caught up. he didn’t say anything at first; he simply stood shoulder-to-shoulder with you, close enough that the heat of him radiated through your sleeve. his jaw was set, and there was something fearless in the way he looked up at the older boy, like the size difference was irrelevant.

“or i’ll tell,” the boy said finally, voice flat, eyes unwavering. “mrs. lee said she’s watching the cameras now.”

it was a lie, probably. but it landed like truth. the older boy scoffed, threw one last shove toward the smaller kid for good measure, then walked off with an exaggerated swagger that didn’t fool anyone. the moment he was gone, the small kid fled too, disappearing back into the crowd as if the whole thing had never happened.

you and the other boy stared after them for a second, bodies still braced for impact that wouldn’t come. then he looked at you and the tension in his face broke into a grin that felt like sunlight, “that was brave,” he said, like it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen.

you blinked, “you helped.”

he shrugged like it was nothing, like defending people was just what you did when you were him, “you started it. i’m hanbin by the way.”

“i’m y/n,” you replied, finally mustering up a small, genuine smile. 

his eyes turned into crescents as he said, “i think we’re going to be best friends.”

by middle school, your friendship had grown roots.

it lived in the way you saved him a seat without thinking, how he always traded you the better snack from his lunchbox, how you walked home together even when your houses were in opposite directions because neither of you liked the feeling of goodbyes. you knew each other’s moods the way you knew the weather, could read the tilt of his eyebrows or the set of your shoulders like they were language. you were twelve and you thought that kind of closeness was permanent by default.

the day you got your period for the first time, it felt like your body betrayed you.

it happened during fifth period, right when you stood up and felt something wrong, warm and sudden, and the realization hit so hard it made your vision swim. you didn’t check. you didn’t have to. you just knew. you walked faster than you meant to, backpack held too tight against your spine, trying to angle yourself so no one would see what was happening behind you.

but kids notice everything. they notice the way you hold your arms, the way your steps shorten, the way your face goes pale. by the time you reached the hallway, you could feel the heat of humiliation climbing up your neck, tears stinging your eyes as you tried to tug the hem of your hoodie lower, as if fabric could erase evidence.

hanbin saw you and instantly knew something was wrong.

he was at his locker, half laughing about something with another boy, until his eyes flicked to you and the laugh died like a cut string. he didn’t call out your name. he didn’t ask you what was wrong loudly. he simply shut his locker, stepped in front of you like he always had, and said in a low voice meant only for you, “hey, come with me.”

you tried to shake your head, throat tight, “i can’t.”

“you can,” he said, firm but gentle, like he was holding you together with words alone, “trust me.”

you followed him because you always did.

he led you down a back corridor most people didn’t use, past the art rooms and the storage closet that always smelled strongly of bleach, until you reached a bathroom tucked near the auditorium that nobody ever went to unless they were desperate. he pushed the door open, checked quickly that it was empty, then held it for you with the kind of careful respect that made you want to cry harder.

“go,” he said softly, “i’ll stay right here.”

inside, you locked yourself into a stall and stared at the ruined back of your jeans like it was a crime scene. it was so much worse than you’d imagined. you pressed your palm over your mouth to swallow a sob, the kind that came from being twelve and suddenly aware of how cruel the world could be to people.

“y/n?” hanbin’s voice came through the door, muffled but steady. “hey, it’s okay.”

it wasn’t. not to you. not right then.

you opened the stall door a crack, eyes watery, “my pants are ruined.”

hanbin didn’t flinch. he didn’t look away. he just nodded like he understood, like this was serious because you were serious. then he shrugged his backpack off and unzipped it, digging around until he pulled out a pair of gray sweatpants, slightly wrinkled, with his gym class logo stamped on the leg.

“i have these,” he said, holding them out like an offering, “i always keep an extra pair because coach makes us run if we forget. you can—” he swallowed, cheeks pinking as he tried to say it delicately, “you can change. i’ll wait outside. and if you want, we’ll tell the nurse. or we won’t. whatever you want.”

your hands shook as you took them, “what if i ruin them?”

he shrugged again, like it didn’t matter, “i’ll just wash them or get a new pair, i don’t care.”

you stared at him, throat burning, “why are you being so nice?”

hanbin’s expression softened, something small and earnest settling in his eyes, “because you’re my best friend,” he said simply, like the answer was obvious, like there was no other option.

and in that bathroom no one used, with your shame pressed against your ribs and his kindness settling deep into your bones, you learned something about him that would follow you forever: hanbin loved like it was instinct, like he didn’t know how to be anything else.

by time you were sixteen, everything felt like it was happening too fast.

you came over to hanbin’s house for a barbecue the weekend after school let out, the neighborhood thick with the smell of charcoal and sunscreen, the air buzzing with cicadas. his parents had music playing from a small speaker on the patio, something upbeat that floated through the backyard while people laughed and ate and pretended they weren't sweating to death from the first heat wave of the season.

you showed up later than you said you would, and when you stepped through the back gate, hanbin looked up from where he’d been standing near the grill and forgot how to breathe for a second.

it wasn’t that you looked like a different person. it was worse than that. you looked like you — just sharpened, slightly more grown, like someone had quietly turned the volume up on you while he wasn’t paying attention. your shorts were a little shorter than you used to wear. your hair fell in softer waves around your face. your laugh rang brighter, and you didn’t seem to notice the way his gaze caught on every subtle change like it was something he needed to memorize.

“hi,” you said, grinning, and stepped into his space like you belonged there, because you did. you always had.

hanbin forced a smile, “hi.”

you reached out and tugged lightly at the sleeve of his t-shirt, playful, “why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

he tried to laugh but it didn’t sound right in his throat, “i don’t.”

you leaned closer, eyes narrowing like you were studying him, “you’re weird.”

and he was, because something had shifted and he could feel it in the way his heart kept tripping over itself, in the way the world seemed to tilt around you. he watched you move through his backyard, watched you talk to his parents like they were your own, watched you steal a slice of watermelon off the table and eat it with juice running down your wrist, and somewhere between the sunlight and the laughter, it hit him like an omen.

he was in love with you.

not the simple kind of love that lived in childhood friendship, not the easy affection that made you permanent to each other. this was the kind that sank its teeth in and refused to let go, the kind that made him ache for things he felt like he had no right to want.

later that night, after everyone left and the backyard lights were turned off, you ended up sprawled on the hood of his parents’ car with him, looking up at the sky like you always had. the street was quiet, the air was cooler now, and the world felt too big and too still.

you pointed lazily upward, tracing a constellation you spotted, “do you think we’ll always be like this?”

“like what?” hanbin asked, already knowing the answer would ruin him.

“best friends,” you said, soft and sure, “even when we’re old and gross.”

hanbin’s chest tightened around something tender and unbearable. he laughed under his breath, more breath than sound, and stared at the stars until they blurred.

“yeah,” he said anyway, because he would agree to anything if it meant keeping you near, “of course.”

you smiled, satisfied, and rested your head against his shoulder.

hanbin laid there with your weight warming his skin and his heart quietly turning itself into a secret he would carry for years.

prom arrived like a spotlight.

the school decorated the gym in cheap gold streamers and twinkling lights, trying desperately to make adolescence feel magical instead of awkward. for weeks leading up to it, hanbin had thought about asking you in the quiet moments when his brain wasn’t busy with homework or practice or pretending he was fine every time you flushed your pretty smile at him. he imagined walking up to you like it was normal, imagined your smile, imagined the possibility that you might say yes because you always said yes to him.

he rehearsed the words in his head until they felt almost real, ready to finally pluck up the courage to ask you. 

then lunchtime happened.

you found him at your usual table with a brightness in your eyes that made his stomach drop before you even spoke. you slid into the seat across from him like you were bursting with something you couldn’t hold.

“bin,” you said, breathless. “guess what!”

hanbin smiled automatically, because his body had learned that you were joy personified, that you meant good things, “what?”

you didn’t even try to hide it, “matthew asked me to prom.”

the cafeteria noise blurred, like someone had stuffed cotton in hanbin’s ears. he blinked at you, trying to keep his face steady, trying to keep himself from breaking in a room full of fluorescent lights and teenagers.

“the football captain,” you added, grinning wider, like this was the kind of thing you’d dreamed about.

“yeah,” hanbin managed, because his mouth still worked even when his heart didn’t, “i know who he is.”

you laughed, cheeks pink, “i said yes.”

hanbin’s chest tightened into something sharp and unfamiliar. heartbreak, arriving early like it had been waiting for him. he wanted to say something, anything, that might turn the story in a different direction. he wanted to tell you he’d been thinking about asking you, that he’d been practicing the words, that he’d been hoping.

instead, he nodded and made himself smile like a good friend.

“that’s… really great,” he said.

you reached across the table and squeezed his hand, warm and casual, unaware you were pressing on a bruise, “right? i’m so excited.”

hanbin held your hand back because that was what he did, because he didn’t know how to refuse you without giving himself away. he let the feeling carve into him and said nothing.

on the night of prom, you stood in hanbin’s bedroom like it was tradition.

your dress was soft and shimmering, the kind of color that made you look like you’d been painted by moonlight. you turned in front of his mirror, adjusting the straps, smoothing the fabric, nervous in a way that made you seem younger again for a moment.

hanbin sat on the edge of his bed in his suit pants and shirt sleeves, tie undone, watching you with a quiet devastation he didn’t have words for.

you tousled your hair, turned to him, and asked the question that would haunt him for years in different forms.

“do i look okay?”

he stared at you like the answer was obvious, like it was written in the way his throat tightened.

you looked perfect. you looked like something he was never allowed to have, but desperately wanted anyway. 

he forced a shrug, forced the lie that would keep him safe, “yeah,” he said, “you look fine.”

you frowned immediately, “fine? that’s it?”

panic spiked in him, because he’d done it wrong, because he’d hurt you, because he couldn’t even pretend correctly when it mattered. “no, i mean—” he sat up straighter, words tumbling out as he backpedaled, as he tried to make it right without making how he actually felt too obvious, “you look… you look incredible. you look like—like, seriously, y/n. matthew’s going to lose his mind.”

you beamed, relief washing over your face, “really?”

hanbin smiled like it didn’t cost him anything, “really.”

you stepped closer and fixed his tie for him, fingers brushing his collarbone, close enough that his breath caught, “thank you,” you said softly, “i always trust you.”

the words landed like a blessing and a curse.

then the doorbell rang and matthew’s voice floated up from downstairs, loud and eager. you grabbed your clutch, shot hanbin one last bright smile, and rushed out of his room like you were running toward your future.

hanbin sat there in the wake of your perfume and the quiet you left behind, and for the first time, he understood what it meant to love someone who didn’t look back.

the weeks after prom were the beginning of the end of something hanbin didn’t know he was losing.

you and matthew became official in a way that was impossible to ignore. your texts came less often. your weekends filled up. you stopped showing up at hanbin’s house unannounced, stopped sprawling on his bed and stealing his snacks, stopped treating him like the place you always returned to.

you told him about it one afternoon like it was nothing, walking beside him after school as the sun dipped low and turned the sidewalk gold, “so,” you said, swinging your backpack strap, “matthew and i are dating.”

hanbin nodded like he didn’t already know, like it wasn’t obvious in the way your smile kept turning outward toward someone else.

“that’s nice,” he said, the words tasting dull.

you bumped his shoulder playfully, “don’t be weird about it.”

he forced a laugh, “i’m not.”

but he was.

because suddenly, being your best friend meant watching you move away in slow motion. it meant filling the hours you used to spend together with things that felt like substitutes — studying longer, joining clubs, volunteering for extra projects, anything that kept him busy enough not to notice the shape of your absence. he poured himself into academics, into routines, into any version of life that didn’t require him to sit still and think about you.

it worked, sometimes.

until it didn’t.

senior year broke you open in the middle of the night.

hanbin was half-asleep when his phone buzzed, the screen lighting up his dark room. your name flashed like an emergency.

he answered immediately, voice rough with sleep, “y/n?”

your breath came in ragged, broken pulls. you sounded like you were trying not to sob and failing, “bin,” you whispered, and his chest tightened before you even said another word, “i can’t—i can’t do this.”

“where are you?” he asked, already sitting up, already reaching for his shoes. his body moved on instinct, the way it always had when you were hurting.

“outside,” you said, voice trembling. “i’m outside my house. i can’t go in. my mom will hear me.”

hanbin was out the door in five minutes, hoodie thrown over pajama pants, keys clenched in his fist. he drove with his heart in his throat, streetlights stretching like blurred stars, and when he found you on the curb with your knees pulled to your chest, he felt something in him fracture.

you looked up when his headlights hit you, mascara streaked, face blotchy, pain etched into every inch of you.

“hey,” hanbin said softly, stepping out of the car.

you stood quickly and stumbled into him like your body knew him as safety. hanbin wrapped his arms around you automatically, holding you like he could keep you from falling apart if he held tight enough.

“he broke up with me,” you choked out against his shoulder, “he said he didn’t want this anymore.”

hanbin’s throat burned as he guided you into the passenger seat, buckled you in with hands that shook only slightly, then drove with no destination in mind. the city was quiet at that hour, streets empty, the world feeling like it belonged only to the two of you.

after a while, you stopped crying enough to breathe. you stared out the window, voice raw, “i feel so stupid.”

“you’re not,” hanbin said, steady.

you laughed bitterly, “i thought he loved me.”

hanbin’s fingers tightened on the steering wheel. he wanted to say something honest, something that would change everything. he wanted to tell you that love wasn’t supposed to feel like abandonment, that someone who loved you wouldn’t leave you crying like you were. 

he wanted to tell you that he loved you.

the words rose in his throat like they’d been waiting for this moment, like they were finally ready to be released. but then you turned toward him, eyes wet and exhausted, and whispered, “i’m glad i have you. i don’t know what i’d do without you.”

hanbin swallowed the confession so hard it hurt.

“yeah,” he said quietly, voice breaking on the edge, “me too.”

he didn’t say more. he took you for a drive until the sky began to pale, until your breathing evened out, until you leaned your head against the window and finally fell asleep. he drove you home after, carried your heartbreak like it was his responsibility, and told himself again that he could wait.

that loving you meant patience.

college made waiting feel like a punishment.

you got an apartment together because it made sense financially, practically, logically. you were best friends. you trusted each other. you had always been each other’s constant, so of course you would choose to live in the same space when the world got bigger.

hanbin said yes like it wasn’t terrifying.

because living with you meant living inside temptation. it meant seeing you in the soft hours, hair messy, wearing his hoodie like it belonged to you. it meant hearing you hum while you brushed your teeth, watching you dance around the kitchen while ramen boiled, listening to you talk about your day with your feet tucked under you on the couch.

one night, you were eating takeout on the floor because you hadn’t bought a dining table yet, a movie playing on your laptop propped up on a stack of textbooks. you laughed at a joke and leaned back against the couch, eyes bright in the glow of the screen.

hanbin stared too long.

not because you were doing anything special, but because you existed like that — close, warm, familiar — and it made him ache with the kind of love that had nowhere to go. he realized he’d been watching the curve of your mouth, the way your eyes crinkled when you smiled, like he was trying to memorize you in case the universe stole you away.

you turned your head, catching him, “what?”

hanbin jerked his gaze away fast, heart slamming, “nothing. movie’s just dumb.”

you laughed and nudged his shoulder, “you’re dumb.”

and hanbin laughed too, because it was easier than confessing, because he was terrified of ruining the only thing he was sure of: that you’d stay if he didn’t ask for more.

the first party the two of you went to happened on a friday you didn’t want to go to, but you went anyway.

you got drunk faster than hanbin expected, cheeks flushed, laughter loud, words slurring as you clung to his arm in a house full of strangers and sticky floors. hanbin stayed sober, the designated anchor, watching you from a careful distance even as he stayed close enough to catch you if you fell.

at some point, you tugged him into the hallway, away from the noise. your eyes were glassy, wide with something messy and vulnerable.

“bin,” you said, like his name was a plea.

“hey,” he murmured, smoothing your hair back gently, “you okay?”

you nodded too quickly, “i just—” you swallowed, lips wobbling, “you’re so good to me.”

hanbin’s heart stuttered, “you’re drunk,” he said softly, trying to make it gentle.

you stepped closer anyway, hands fisting in his shirt like you needed him, “i know.”

and then you kissed him.

it was clumsy, warm, desperate in a way that wasn’t you. hanbin froze for half a heartbeat, because he wanted it, he’d wanted it for years, then he pulled back immediately, hands firm on your shoulders, breath shaking.

“no,” he whispered, voice rough, “hey. no, y/n.”

your brows knit, confused, “why?”

because i love you. because i’ve loved you. because i’ll take anything you give me and i hate that about myself.

instead, he said, “because you’re not you right now. and i’m not doing this when you're drunk.”

your face crumpled slightly, as if rejection was a language you didn’t know how to translate from him. hanbin’s chest ached as he guided you back into the living room, found you water, coaxed you into sitting, stayed beside you until the night ended.

the next morning, you were hungover and pale, curled on the couch under a blanket with your hair in a messy knot. hanbin brought you toast and painkillers and tried to act normal, like his heart hadn’t nearly come apart in that hallway.

you stared at him for a long moment, eyes heavy with exhaustion and regret, “about last night,” you said, voice small.

hanbin kept his face steady, “you don’t have to—”

“just forget it,” you cut in quickly, embarrassment flaring, “please. i was drunk. i don’t… i don’t want it to be weird. we’re just friends.”

hanbin nodded, even though it felt like someone had pressed a thumb into an open wound, “okay,” he said, “we’ll forget it.”

and he did what he always did.

he swallowed it.

jiwoong arrived like history repeating itself. 

you told hanbin about him on a wednesday morning, breathless in the kitchen while you stirred instant coffee, excitement bright and new in your voice, “i met someone,” you said, smiling like you couldn’t help it, “his name’s jiwoong.”

hanbin’s stomach tightened, a familiar dread settling in, “yeah?”

you nodded, bouncing slightly on your toes, “we’re going on a date.”

that night, you stood in your shared living room in a new outfit, adjusting your hair in the mirror, and asked him the question that always sounded harmless when it came from you.

“do i look okay?”

hanbin watched you — beautiful, hopeful, unaware — and felt the universe line up another omen in front of him.

what was he supposed to say? that you looked perfect? that you always looked perfect? that every time you asked him that, it made him feel like he was standing on the edge of something he would never be allowed to step into?

he forced a smile, one you always believed.

“of course you do.”

you relaxed immediately, accepting the answer like it was safe, like it meant nothing more than friendship, “thanks, bin,” you said, and the way you said it was easy, comfortable, unaware of the blood it drew.

when jiwoong knocked, you rushed to the door, cheeks bright, and hanbin stayed on the couch like a statue. jiwoong complimented you the second he saw you, eyes lingering, voice warm, and hanbin felt sick with jealousy he didn’t have the right to show.

you waved goodbye, then you were gone, and hanbin was alone again, sitting in the quiet you left behind, listening to the apartment exhale without you in it.

a few weeks later, a huge storm rolled in without much of a warning.

thunder cracked open the sky like it had been waiting for an excuse, rain coming down in sheets that turned the sidewalks into rivers. hanbin walked home from work soaked through, hair plastered to his forehead, water pooling in his shoes, and the whole time he cursed himself for not checking the weather.

but it wasn’t really the weather’s fault.

it was yours.

it was because you’d walked out of your bedroom that morning in one of jiwoong’s shirts, the fabric hanging too comfortably on your body like it belonged there, like he belonged there. faint bruises scattered along your neck that you didn’t even bother to hide, as if your happiness was so loud it didn’t care who it hurt.

hanbin had been so flustered by the sight he forgot everything else, including checking the forecast, including grabbing an umbrella just in case.

when he reached the apartment building, his shoes squeaked loudly on the lobby tile. he climbed the stairs two at a time, desperate for warmth, for dry clothes, for anything that felt like relief. at your door, he fumbled through his messenger bag, fingers numb, frustration spiking when the keys weren’t where they should’ve been.

he dug deeper, cursing under his breath, finally finding them at the bottom like they’d fallen down there just to irk him more. he unlocked the door and stepped inside before he stopped dead.

there you were on the couch, straddling jiwoong with nothing but that same shirt from this morning, head thrown back while jiwoong kissed along your jaw, hands gripping your hips like he had every right. your laugh was breathy, your eyes half-lidded, your body moving like you were exactly where you wanted to be.

hanbin stood there, drenched, silent, invisible. then, wordlessly, he closed the door, the click of the latch sounding too final.

he turned around, walked back down the stairs, through the lobby, and out into the rain again, as if he could outrun the image burning into the backs of his eyelids. he found a bench with no cover and sat like he deserved the punishment, letting the downpour soak him deeper, letting the cold seep into his bones until it matched the feeling in his chest.

people hurried past with umbrellas, glancing at him like he was insane, but hanbin didn’t care. nothing mattered; not the rain, not his ruined clothes, not the way his heart felt like it was splitting in two.

he sat there with his hands in his hair and realized, with a sick sort of clarity, that he was becoming a background character in a story that used to belong to him too.

a few days later, you asked him to hang out.

you said you missed him, said you hadn’t seen much of him lately, and your voice sounded so genuine that hanbin almost believed the ache would be worth it. you made it a quiet night, just you two, curled on the couch with a show playing, snacks spread across the coffee table like you were trying to recreate something familiar.

hanbin laughed when you laughed. he nodded when you talked. he pretended he hadn’t been unraveling all week.

against his better judgment, he asked, “how have things been with you and jiwoong?”

your eyes lit up instantly, like you’d been waiting for permission. you talked and talked, words spilling out about how good he was, how sweet he was, how easy everything felt. hanbin let you, because what else could he do? because he’d trained himself to be the person who listened.

then you said it, sudden and bright and devastating.

“i think i love him, bin.”

hanbin felt something go quiet inside him, like a light switching off. he blinked, stared at you, and managed only, “oh.”

your expression shifted immediately, hurt blooming fast, “is that really all you have to say? i wanted you to be supportive.”

hanbin’s mouth moved before his brain could stop it, “i really don’t know what to say, y/n,” he answered truthfully, then, reckless with pain, “i mean, don’t you think it’s a little early? it's been less than a month.”

you scoffed, defensive and offended, “i don’t understand why you’re being so judgmental.”

“that’s not what i meant,” hanbin said, pinching the bridge of his nose like he could press the emotion back into its box, “i think i’m just gonna take a walk.”

he left before you could stop him, shoes on, door closing, the night air sharp and crisp against his skin. he walked until his lungs burned, until the darkness felt like a friend, until he ended up in a small park a few blocks down and sat on a bench with his hands clenched together, trying to find a version of himself that didn’t love you this much.

your texts came in fast and furious, demanding explanations, hurt and confusion bleeding through every message. hanbin stared at the screen until his eyes stung, then finally typed what you needed to hear because he always gave you what you needed.

i’m sorry. i didn’t mean it like that. i’m happy for you.

even though he wasn’t.

when he went back to the apartment later, the lights were off except the faint glow under your bedroom door. hanbin stood in the hallway for a long time, heart hammering, before he lifted his hand and knocked softly.

“y/n?” he called, voice low.

the door opened after a pause, and you stood there in an oversized shirt with puffy eyes and tear tracks you hadn’t fully wiped away. the sight of you like that, hurt because of him, made guilt flood his chest so fast it almost drowned everything else.

“hey,” hanbin whispered.

you didn’t say anything at first. you just looked at him, fragile in a way you never usually were. then you stepped back slightly, letting him in. your room smelled like you. the air felt heavy, like it had been holding your sadness for hours.

“i’m sorry,” hanbin said again, because the words were all he had, “i didn’t want to ruin tonight.”

you sniffed, voice raw, “you made me feel stupid.”

hanbin’s throat tightened, “you’re not stupid. i just—” he stopped, because the truth was right there, sharp and ready to slice everything open. i just love you. i just can’t do this. i just want it to be me.

instead, he took a careful step forward and held his arms out, silently asking. you hesitated only a second before stepping into him.

hanbin wrapped you up gently, pressing his cheek to the top of your head, feeling your breath shake against his chest as you cried quietly. he held you like he had when you were twelve and scared and trying to hide stains on your jeans, like he had when you were eighteen and shattered on the curb in front of your house, like he always would, because this was the only way he was allowed to love you.

your hands fisted in the back of his shirt as if you were afraid he’d disappear, “i don’t want to lose you,” you whispered.

hanbin closed his eyes so tight it hurt, “you won’t,” he promised, even though every part of him knew he was the one being lost.

he stayed there with you for a long time, rocking slightly, letting your tears soak into his shirt, letting your pain become something he could carry if it meant you didn’t have to carry it alone. and while you softened against him, while you breathed and calmed and trusted him, hanbin took every feeling he had — every jealous thought, every longing, every confession that had ever tried to climb out of his throat — and shoved it down into a neat little box as best as he could, sealing it shut with his own ribs.

avaloria was the place you'd grown up in your whole life. despite it being all you'd known, you loved being there. it’s fields bloomed with beautiful wildflowers every spring and glittered with fireflies on late summer nights under a magnificent blanket of stars in the sky above you. it was enough to always make you feel content and secure, which is something you hoped to have whenever you'd inevitably marry a prince from another nation that you didn't even know.

but that was far in the future and the one dealing with the commotion and chaos of an upcoming marriage was your sister. the castle had been abuzz with excitement since the engagement was announced and the wedding date set out for a few months time to properly prepare for everything. there would be numerous people in and out over that time frame, the castle unlikely to have a break from all the hustle and bustle until the wedding was over.

the soon-to-be groom was set to arrive soon, so you were stood by your family in the grand foyer in a pale blue gown and white gloves adorning your hands all the way up to your elbows, beautiful jewels sitting perfectly in the empty space of your exposed chest. you were told over and over again that morning to be on your best behavior and dress in some of your best gowns for the time the royal family of everdawn was meant to be at your castle, and you were not one to go against what you were told.

your sister was on the other side of your parents, dressed in a gown much more beautiful than yours – she was set to be meeting her fiancé, after all – twiddling around nervously as she stared ahead at the giant oak doors before you. you truly did feel for her, as you couldn't imagine the immense pressure she was feeling to ensure she was doing everything perfectly, and being the first heiress to marry off was not something you thought to be easy.

you were pulled from your thoughts as the magnificent doors before you opened wide, allowing the most beautiful rays of sunshine to light up the foyer and sending the warmest breeze billowing through the air. in the doorway stood the king and queen of everdawn, their elegant presence commanding the attention of everyone in the room that was watching. they began stepping forward, behind them their two sons, hanbin and taerae, standing straight with their hands behind their backs.

soon the king and queen were stopped in front of your parents and beaming, exchanging pleasantries with the two of them and dawdling on about how long it had been since they'd seen each other face to face. you curtsied to them both, sure to keep your chin held high and a smile beaming as you did so. hanbin, your sisters fiancé, took the time to greet your sister, mother, and yourself with kisses to your knuckles, his charm and kindness radiating off of him in waves.

taerae followed suit, mimicking his older brother’s actions. soon he was to you delicately taking your hand in his, placing a sweet kiss on the back of your gloved hand, peering up at you from his eyelashes. he was attractive, no doubt, his brown hair parted off to the side to show just the right amount of his forehead and putting his sharp eyebrows on display. his eyes bore into you and he caught himself lingering for just a moment too long, straightening up at the sound of your mother’s voice. “you all must be so exhausted, please, come with us to the drawing room for a nice cup of tea.”

soon, you were all sat perched in your seats, warm cups of tea on the daintiest saucers in your hands. you sipped lightly, not caring for the taste of earl gray, hoping that you wouldn't need to finish the cup before the conversation was over. your sister was sat next to hanbin, blushing at something he had said whispered into her ear, and it made you smile to yourself knowing that she at least got along with him.

“how's your garden coming along this summer?” the queen of everdawn inquired to your mother, who set her teacup back down onto the saucer.

she airly laughed a bit, “honestly, i’m having the hardest of times getting the bushes to prune to my liking and getting my tulips to grow. i'm not sure what's wrong.”

you tuned out their idle chit chat, not interested in their conversation about shrubbery and stubborn flora. instead, you swirled your tea around in your cup, taking note of some of the pesky tea leaves settling to the bottom. you heard a low chuckle next to you, now focusing your gaze on taerae, who's eyes were on you with a playful glint in them. you quirked an eyebrow up at him in questioning, finding it difficult to suppress the small smile that incessantly tugged at the corners of your lips. as if sensing your curiosity, he quietly said, “i could tell you would much rather be anywhere than here.”

embarrassment heated up your cheeks at his statement, hoping to god your mother and father hadn't heard the remark, but they were so engrossed in their own conversations they didn't even spare the two of you a second glance. you could feel your shoulders relax a little in relief, turning back to taerae with a small, telling smile. “i honestly find gatherings like this to be exhausting,” you weren't sure why you were admitting this to him.

he studied your face for a moment and you were unable to decipher why, but soon he was responding, “don't worry, i understand more than you think.”

you found solace in the fact that you weren't the only one feeling that way. instead, the two of you sat in a comfortable silence; no expectations for conversation, just merely existing together. it was nice to feel understood and to share a moment such as this one, even if you hardly knew him. you sat like that for a while, snickering quietly with each other when you heard the most absurd thing come from the various conversations between your parents. your tea had long gotten cold and you were grateful to be able to set it down on the elegantly decorated table before you without your mother scolding you for not finishing it.

instead, she peered over at you, able to tell just how bored you were, gaze softening ever so slightly. she said, “y/n, dear, do you want to show taerae around the castle? i’m not sure he's seen it before,” she paused, glancing over at his parents, “so long as you both okay with it, that is.”

“oh of course! it'll do him some good to be in the company of someone other than himself since he keeps himself locked away in bedroom so much,” his mother mused, and while she thought it was funny, taerae certainly did not, his shoulders tense and steely gaze hard to read.

he just ignored her, rising to stand on his feet, reaching his hand out for you to take as you stood. you thanked him quietly, peering over to your mother for approval to leave, and she gave you a silent nod, a fond smile on her lips as she watched you lead taerae out of the room. you found yourself showing him the ballroom, the courtyard, and many other places scattered about the castle, making small remarks about each place; you didn't expect him to listen to you so intently, but it made you feel nervous. you ended on the library, bringing him through the two double doors to be greeted with the sight of floor to ceiling bookshelves filled to the brim with colorful spines and so many unread stories.

you smiled as you entered, welcoming the quiet atmosphere. you waved your arm around, “as you can see, this is our library. this is probably my favorite spot in the castle.”

taerae was scanning the titles on each book sat on the bookshelf nearest him, “do you read a lot?” he inquired.

“all the time,” you replied, “it's a nice escape from all of this, you know?”

he nodded, “i read a lot too, recently i’m working on sense and sensibility by jane austen,” the mention of the book made you perk up, a grin widening across your face, “you read her books?”

“of course, her work is brilliant.”

you found yourselves discussing other authors you enjoyed, having made your seats on some of the reading chairs amongst the middle of the bookshelves. you weren't sure why, but you felt so relaxed around him, like you could let your guard down and not be judged. after what felt like hours, you rose to your feet, motioning for him to follow you further inside the library, toward the back where there was a staircase you swore only you knew about, leading up to a balcony that overlooked the beautifully blooming gardens before you, the sparkling lake able to be seen in the distance. you loved this place so much because it was away from everything. away from the expectations, the incessant nagging. there was a railing made of stone, carved intricately with designs, its posts thick enough to shield you from any onlookers but leaving enough of a gap for you to still gaze out at the stretch of land before you when you were sitting.

“i don't just show this place to anyone, you know,” you mused, “i stumbled upon it so long ago now i couldn't tell you when. this is where i come to escape,” you gauged his reaction and could tell he was going to keep it a secret.

“if you ever need an escape too, you know how to find it now.”

you weren't sure why you were even offering, because this was such a safe place for you to be, but something in your gut told you he needed it. his eyes lit up at your words and he found himself quietly saying, “thank you, i appreciate it.” you two stood out there a bit longer before retreating back into the castle, figuring it best to find your families inside its walls, as there were more festivities to take place later that evening, but as you walked, you smiled softly to yourself.

it was nice to be understood.

“taerae, dear, you can't keep turning away every bachelorette we find for you,” his mother let out an exasperated breath after being told he refused to marry a princess from a nation far away from everdawn.

she had come to pay him a visit after most of their family had retreated to their sleeping quarters in the magnificent castle that belonged to avaloria. she and his father had received word from the king and queen of astoria about their eldest daughter being available to marry. taerae waved a dismissive hand at his mother, eyes still focused on his book, “honestly, mother, i really don't understand why you're trying so hard to marry me away when hanbin hasn't even had his wedding yet.”

his mother’s lips pressed into a thin line, the annoyance she felt toward her second born hard to suppress. she sighed, standing up from her perch on the edge of his bed and smoothing out the front of her dress, making her way to the door that led back out into the hall. she stopped for a moment, looking back at her son that had no interest in mingling, and frowned. “please at least consider it.”

with that, she waltzed out the door without another word, leaving taerae alone in the silence. he pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, peeved that this had even been a conversation shortly after dinner and once he'd retired to his chambers. he refused to be a pawn in his parents’ reputation game and made it very clear he would marry when he found the right person, not whoever his parents found suitable. he didn't even care if it was a commoner from the street; he'd much rather have a genuine connection with someone than to be forced into a lifeless commitment with someone he hardly knew.

while they didn't like it, his parents respected his choice, albeit reluctantly. they knew he wouldn't give into their pressure no matter how hard they tried, but it didn't stop them from presenting eligible bachelorettes to him at least once a week in hopes he would change his mind. he opened the french doors that led out to his private balcony, the wind gusting inside and rippling the curtains behind him before it calmed down. night had befallen the castle by now, darkness blanketing the sky and visitors from both nations alike slowly making their way inside for the evening. he stared out ahead of him, appreciating the view of the nearby village lit up in the distance and the warm glow of the iron lamps along the paths to the castle.

he thought back to the offer you'd made him in the library about your little hiding spot, deciding to take a break there instead, where it seemed quieter and a better place for him to think. he grabbed his book from the silk sheets adorning his bed and slipped his shoes on, exiting his chambers into the now dimly lit hallway, the only light being provided coming from the torches mounted to the wall that were burning out.

the halls were empty and quiet as he made his way to the library, and while he welcomed it, he couldn't help but feel like he stuck out in a place as elegant as this one. sure, his castle was just as beautiful, but everything here felt so much more elevated and inviting. he walked down a set of marble stairs, entering into the foyer he'd first come into earlier in the day, and sought out the door to the library just ahead.

while the library itself was a maze, it was absolutely gorgeous inside. the dark oak bookshelves were something he would die to have in his bedroom at home, the gold detailing adding just the right amount of an elegant touch to them. there had to be thousands of books in there, little reading books hidden throughout, and he envied you for how much access you had to books. he finally found his way to the secret doorway; if he hadn't known it was there, he wasn't sure he would have ever guessed it led to somewhere. he clambered up the stairs and was greeted with the beautiful sight of the gardens he had seen earlier in the day, now basked in the moonlight. he understood now why you liked coming up here so much, it offered the most blissful escape he could have ever asked for.

he sat down on the blanket you'd sprawled out against the cool concrete, pulling open his book to the page he'd marked earlier and delved back into his story. the warm summer breeze can through and lifted the pages ever so slightly, as taerae leaned back against the stone wall. he sat like that for a long while, the sound of crickets filling the air.

“i didn't think i would see you up here so soon.”

the sound of your voice drew taerae away from the page his eyes were scanning, casting a glance in your direction. you stood in the doorway to the stairs, your hair that was tied up in the most magnificent bun earlier in the day now spiraling in elegant curls down your back. you were wearing a much more relaxed dress; the fabric looked like it was made of the finest silk and laid just right on your frame. on your feet was a pair of slippers and in your hand, a cup of tea. your eyes sparkled with amusement and a soft smile curled up the corners of your lips. you were pretty, there was no doubt about that. taerae offered you a smile in return, saying, “my mother can be a lot sometimes.”

“tell me about it,” you said, sitting down on the blanket opposite him, “mine has been an uptight mess since the engagement was announced.”

“mine too, everything always has to be perfect,” taerae replied.

there wasn't much more to say, so the both of you fell into a comfortable silence. there was a small part of taerae that felt bad for being up there with you, as if he were invading your little getaway. but then again, you seemed genuine to him, like you wouldn't have shown him this place if you didn't mind the company.

regardless, he was just grateful for company that didn't drain him.

your arm was linked through your sister’s as the two of you strolled around the perimeter of the lake, basking in the warm morning sunlight a few days after the family from everdawn had arrived. the sky was cast in the softest pink and yellow glow as the sun rose into the air and you took a moment to close your eyes as you walked, knowing your sister wouldn't let you stray. you breathed out a content sigh, opening them once more and turning to her, taking note of the solemn expression.

“what's the matter?”

her head snapped up to look at you, as if she were shocked that you'd noticed her sulking. her shoulders slumped and she knew she couldn't hide anything from you; you were always so in tune with other people’s emotions and you knew her better than anyone else did in the castle. she peered back over the lake, her footsteps coming to a halt and the two of you standing there for a moment. her voice was barely above a whisper, “you know, y/n, hanbin is so lovely, he's been nothing short of a gentleman and so sweet to me,” she paused, as if hesitant to say her next words, but she knew she could trust you, “but i just wish i could have a choice in who i marry.”

you could feel your heart twinge in your chest at her words, knowing all too well what she meant, even if you weren't in her situation quite yet. you gave her arm a reassuring squeeze with yours, a solemn smile on your face as you did so, “i know.”

“hanbin told me the other night that his brother, taerae, has been openly defying his parents on the idea of being forced into an arranged marriage,” her words surprised you; while you got the general impression that taerae was a little bit of an outcast within his family, you didn't think he would go that far. before you could say anything in response, your sister began talking again, “i wish i had the courage to do it too.”

“me too,” you answered honestly, “because i think we would be so much happier if our lives weren't chosen for us.”

you found yourselves there for a while, sat in a cozy silence and relishing in the time you had left with each other before she was whisked away to an entirely different nation and you wouldn't get to see her aside from a few times a year. you felt as though that was the biggest thing you were struggling with, because you had no other real friends in the castle and she was the only person who truly knew you. there was something so unfair about it all, about being a princess destined to marry for profit. you often found yourself staring at the commoner villages from your perch on the library balcony and wishing that you could experience a taste of what their lives were like, to see how it would feel to live in a family that wasn't of such high status. it seemed so charming and humble, and you wanted nothing more than to just live your life how you wanted instead of being told what to do, wear, or say.

but this is the lives the both of you were given and you had to accept that because there nothing you could do to change it. your walk back to the castle for breakfast was a quiet one, because you both feared if you said anymore your morning would be filled with tears, so instead you'd agreed to just take the day head on and see what it brought you.

“the two of you are late,” your mother quipped, her sharp eyes boring into the both of you as you entered the dining room, arms still linked. everyone else was sat around the table, staring you down.

you could feel your sister tense up next to you, so you did what you knew best and took the fall for her, especially since she was trying to make a good impression on her soon-to-be husband’s family, “it’s my fault, mother, i asked her to come with me on a stroll and didn't realize the time, i’m sorry.”

“honestly, y/n, i don't understand your insane concept of time,” your mother tutted, shaking her head as she looked between the two of you. surely your sister looked like a deer in headlights and you felt panic rising in your throat as you conjured up your next sentence.

“it won't happen again, i promise.”

she pointed at your chair, voice stern, “sit.”

your sister was quick to rush to her seat next to hanbin, quietly apologizing to him and his parents under her breath, who reassured her it was more than okay. you sat across from taerae, next to your mother, who leaned in, hot breath fanning across your face as she whispered into your ear, “you'd be wise to cut it with this foolishness.”

“yes ma'am,” was your response to her as you hung your head and fiddled with your fingers in your lap.

shortly after your arrival, butlers waltzed into the room with the most magnificent breakfast one could imagine; warm pieces of toast, bacon and sausage, an arrangement of fruits, and so many other delicious things, but you couldn't find it in you to have an appetite. everyone around you dug in, silverware clattering amongst the conversation, but you simply just pushed your food around on your plate with a fork. you never understood why your mother treated you the way she did, why she held you to such impossible standards. she was always pretentious and uptight about everything no matter the subject. she hardly treated your sister in the way she treated you, and you couldn't help but feel inferior.

you supposed this was how it was meant to be, but you hated it nonetheless. you glanced up for just a moment, catching your sister’s guilt-stricken gaze from the end of the table. she never expected you to sacrifice yourself to save her face, yet you did it every time without hesitating. you just shot her a sad smile before looking down at your plate, continuing your game of making it look like you were actually eating, though your food had gone cold long ago. as soon as breakfast was over, you found yourself wandering toward the library doors. you grumbled to yourself, your journey to the balcony being a muscle memory now as you clambered up the stairs and felt the first wave of fresh air hitting your nostrils. you welcomed it graciously, carefully stepping up to the beautifully carved stone railing, leaning your forearms into it with a sigh. if there was one thing you were grateful for inside the walls of the castle, it was this very spot. because at least here, you were free of judgement.

you could hear footsteps echoing in the stairwell and smiled a bit at the sound, knowing it was taerae coming to pay a visit. the two of you had spent every night up there together so far since the start of their visit and you found yourself looking forward to his company. you felt his presence next to you now, his posture reflecting your own. there was no need for conversation at first; that was always how your little meetups went. just an appreciation for the stillness and quiet that the each of you brought, but it didn't last long before taerae was breaking it, “your mother can be pretty intense, i was worried for the both of you earlier.”

you offered a half smile, keeping your eyes focused on the view ahead of you, “i just know how much your family’s visit means to my sister, so i didn't want her getting in trouble,” you replied. your voice was much softer as you spoke your next words into the air between the two of you, “i’m unfortunately used to being her personal punching bag when things don't go her way or when i fake the blame for my sister.”

“i would just tell her to piss off.”

taerae’s blunt and matter-of-fact statement caused you to laugh loudly, catching you completely off guard; it was a genuine laugh, though, and you could feel your cheeks hurt with how big you'd been smiling. you could hear the dark haired boy's chuckles next to you, something you hadn't heard before, and you couldn't help but enjoy the sound of it. before you could stop yourself, you said, “you have a lovely laugh, taerae.”

your cheeks felt as though they were on fire with embarrassment, but he was quick with his response to you, “i think you have a beautiful laugh too, y/n.”

your gaze met with his and you could feel your stomach twist in a knot. had he been looking at you this entire time? his stare was intense, but his eyes flickered across the expanse of your face, almost as if he was memorizing it. you bashfully smiled, knowing full well that your cheeks were dusted red – whether that be from embarrassment or flattery, you didn't know – and you reflected his actions, scanning his face and taking note of his sharp cheekbones and rounded lips, the curve of his nose, and the rich brown that was the color of his eyes. his expression shimmered with amusement and he was the first to break the silence once again, “care to read together for a little bit?”

“i'd love to.”

taerae’s jaw clenched tightly as he sat listening to his mother and father arguing back and forth in front of his bed, his book now long forgotten; he’d just hoped he would remember to put the bookmark in it before he left with them to go to the carriage ride the queen of avaloria had prepared for both families to go on. he sighed, deciding it might be worth his time to tune in to whatever useless topic they were bickering about now.

“you know he isn’t going to listen to a word we say, dear, just look at him now,” his mother motioned defeatedly in taerae’s direction, who was deliberately not paying either of them any mind, “he can’t even bother to hear us out.”

the dark haired boy’s nostrils flared out in anger, warning dancing on the tip of his tongue as he spoke, “i have heard the both of you out enough. i don’t know how many times i have to tell you that i’m not marrying some princess i have never met. you might have swindled hanbin, but it isn’t going to work on me.”

taerae rose to his feet, the heels of his shoes clicking quietly on the marble floors beneath him. he attempted to waltz past his parents, but his father’s strong grip curled around his wrist, bringing taerae to a complete halt. he kept his back on his father, not daring to look him in the eye, knowing that if he did, he might fold. “you will not speak to your mother that way.”

“my apologies,” taerae’s tone held no actual remorse, “i just don’t want my life to be chosen for me and the two of you said you would respect it, but have done nothing to show that. you are showing me a new marriage candidate twice a week at this rate, and i am simply not interested.”

taerae had regained his foothold and now spared a glance at least to his mother, “we don’t have time to continue arguing about this, the y/l/n family is waiting for us at the carriages.”

realization dawned on his mother’s face quickly and she was frantically smoothing her dress and adjusting his father’s tie, ushering them out the door into the hallway that was bathed in the morning sunlight. taerae followed behind his parents, closing his room’s hefty door behind him. he glanced at the ground next to the entryway, noticing a book with a note and a ribbon neatly tied around it, the black ink scrawled into neat handwriting. he carefully picked it up, reading the words written on the parchment.

taerae,

you mentioned this book to me a few days ago and i found it in my personal collection – please don't mind the annotations and doodles on the pages, it's just how i like to read. i hope you enjoy it as much as i do.

from, y/n

his lips curled up into a soft smile, deciding to tuck the book into the pocket inside of his tunic, and quickly picked up the pace to catch up with his parents. he’d grown quite fond of you since the two of you had first met, and he found you to always be thoughtful and kind. you presence always drew him to you, though he wasn’t sure why. maybe it was because you were both so alike and he found comfort in it. nevertheless, he was grateful. before he knew it, the two royal families had met up at the stables, engaging in idle chit chat while the carriages were just finishing up being prepared. his gaze flickered across the faces of everyone in an attempt to find you, but to no avail. you'd told him the previous night that you'd be there, so where on earth were you?

it was almost as if your mother had sensed you weren't there, either, her hawk like gaze sweeping the crowd around her. her nostrils flared in what he assumed was anger, and she mumbled something to your father before she started off toward the castle, apologizing to his parents for the delay. he watched her swift movements, and took notice of your silhouette emerging from the heavy oak doors that lead straight into the castle’s foyer. you moved at the speed of light, panic evident on your face the closer you got. what taerae wasn't expecting, however, was to see your mother tightly gripping your wrist and yanking you towards her, undoubtedly spewing words dripped in venom in your ear. he felt weirdly protective at the sight, fists clenching at his sides upon his note of how uncomfortable you looked. you nodded, and he was able to see you utter out an apology before your mother let your wrist go and turned back to face everyone else, the fakest smile he'd ever seen plastered to her face.

you followed in her shadow, keeping your head bowed as you walked, until your mother clapped her hands in front of her and said, “shall we get these carriage rides started?”

the crowd dispersed amongst the many carriages lined along the paths, one for the kinds and queens of each nation to share, one for hanbin and your sister, and one for you and taerae. he offered you his hand, which you accepted with a light pink flush dusting your cheeks, and he helped you up into the carriage, following suit once you were comfortable. the ride began shortly after, and the air between the two of you were quiet, the conversations of the others able to be faintly heard in the distance. you were looking out into the woods, deep in thought, and instead of breaking the silence too soon, taerae took that as an opportunity to study you. to say he'd thought you were beautiful was an understatement.

you were the most heavenly sight he'd ever laid his eyes on.

today you were wearing a cream gown, its skirts ruffled with beautifully crafted tiers of skirts, the sleeves flared at the edges in a bell shape. your shoulders were put on a gorgeous display, pearls adorning your neck in the form of a tasteful necklace and lining the upper part of your bodice in graceful swoops. your hair was falling in loose curls around your shoulders and your makeup was done lightly, allowing for your natural beauty to shine through. he was absolutely speechless, and for a while he sat and admired you, quickly averting his gaze whenever he sensed you might look at him, only to return to drinking in your features even more. he wanted to hear your voice, though, and finally mustered up the strength to take his eyes off of you and instead reach inside his tunic to pull out the book and note you'd left for him earlier that morning.

“i got the book you left for me.”

for the first time since the carriage ride had started, you pulled your gaze away from the vast expanse of forest surrounding you and focused your attention on taerae, a small smile quirking up the corners of your mouth, “i really hope you don't mind the annotations, because there's a lot. i tried finding a copy in the library, but had no luck.”

“annotations won't bother me,” he assured with a genuine smile, “if anything, it gives me insight on how you interpreted the text, and that's worth everything.”

you smiled at his words, but it fell quickly after you'd given it to him. his brows furrowed in concern, and he reached forward to lay his hand atop yours, trying his best to ignore the way his skin prickled with heat at the contact, “is everything alright, y/n? i saw the encounter with your mother this morning and you've been awfully quiet on our ride.”

your eyes widened at his words, voice barely above a whisper as you asked, “you saw that?”

your face flushed a deep shade of red, the tips of your ears twinging the same color, and you looked absolutely mortified. he gave your hand a squeeze, not missing the way your breath quietly hitched in your throat and your gaze was lingered on his hand, “i’m so sorry, i've been nothing but an embarrassment to my family since you all arrived.”

“hey, no, not at all,” taerae comforted, his words soft and his tone oozing with understanding, “i’m sure you had your reasons for being late and you shouldn't be crucified for it.”

relief flooded your features, “really?”

“of course.”

after that, your conversations fell into a comfortable rhythm and you began telling taerae all about your vast forests, wildlife, and lake. you showed him all the spots you and your sister played as children and the places you loved to hide away with a book when you wanted to be out in nature. he listened intently to every word, his hand never leaving yours, and by the end of the carriage ride you'd mustered up the courage to lace your fingers between his own.

taerae could get used to that.

your next few weeks were filled with quiet moments, books, and late night conversations with taerae. every brush of his hand against yours set your skin ablaze, every fleeting glance across the table at meals made you blush, and every time your body heat mingled you felt your heart twinge in your chest, because you knew the feeling taking root deep inside of you was not a good one.

you were falling for taerae, faster and harder than you ever thought possible, and more than you'd ever admit to yourself.

but there was nothing that could be done about it, because your sister was marrying hanbin and you'd likely be married to a prince of another nation shortly after. you couldn't let yourself get in any deeper with your feelings, and decided to suppress them the best that you could to avoid heartbreak. because it could never work, not even if you wanted it to. you laid awake beneath your light comforter deep in thought, the silk sheets adorning your bed smooth on your bare legs. you stared at the ceiling above you, willing sleep to overcome you, but you were displeased when it didn't wash over you. you let out an exasperated breath, sitting upright and seeking out your satin robe that hung on the wardrobe across from you. the marble floors were frigid beneath your bare feet and you were click to slip them into the slippers just next to the wardrobe.

taking a glance at the clock on the wall next to you, a groan threatened to erupt from your throat at the sight of the hands reading 2:27am. you threaded your arms through the sleeves of your robe and tied it around your waist, picking up the small candle holder still burning bright in your room and quietly opening your chamber doors, making it out into the still hallway without making a sound. the route to the secret library balcony was second nature to you at this point. you let your feet guide you through the barren corridors, the only light coming from your candle and the moon shining brightly through the ginormous windows near the staircase. you were quiet as always, though you didn't think there would ever be any repercussions for being out at this hour, especially considering this was your home.

before you knew it, you were pushing open the intricately carved door to the library and were greeted with the smell of inked pages and a stillness to the air that instantly made your body relax. you looked around, careful to ensure nobody else was in here at this hour, before walking through the vast aisles of bookshelves to pick out your next read. you'd spent your whole life at the castle of avaloria, but still somehow felt like you had a lifetime worth of books to read. your fingers skimmed the spines of each book you passed and contemplated, the other still gripping the candle holder to provide the light for you to read the words swooping in beautiful calligraphy or bold text. finally settling on a book you'd been eyeing for a while, you made your way to the door of the secret balcony, prying it open and closing it behind you before ascending the steps to the balcony.

you were greeted by the sight of taerae leaning up against the railing, eyes trained on the sky above him, glittering in the most beautiful blanket of stars you'd seen all summer. you leaned against the door frame, taking note of his clothes he'd worn earlier in the day still hugging his body, giving away the fact that he hadn't properly settled down since everyone had retired to their chambers. you weren't sure if he was aware of your presence quite yet, so you allowed your eyes to linger a heartbeat longer than you probably should have, brows creasing in concern once you realized how tense his shoulders were and how hard he was gripping the railing in front of him with his hands. he seemed off, like something was amiss, and finally you decided to set your things down and take a step forward, a sudden urge to comfort him filling you up.

the two of you had been getting a little more bold with physical affection when you were spending moments together up here in the late hours of the night, so a surging confidence crashed over you, and you reached out to him, snaking your arms around his waist and leaning yourself into him, cheek pressed against his back, eyes fluttering closed in contentment at how right it felt to be holding him. he tensed for just a moment, but relaxed almost immediately when he realized it was you. he let out a shaky sigh, “you're up late.”

“couldn't sleep,” you replied quietly, your voice barely above a whisper, “but i could say the same about you.”

taerae was quiet, and instead of pulling away from your touch, he finally turned around, still caged in your arms, and wrapped his around your shoulders, bringing his chin down to rest on the top of your head. your pulse quickened, and you'd be lying to yourself if you said that his touch didn't electrify the blood pumping through your veins. “do you want to talk about it?”

you weren't sure why the question had even spilled past your lips, but you knew something was bothering him. he inhaled softly through his nose, as if deep in thought, and finally said, “arguing with my parents just drains the life out of me sometimes. it's been a nightly occurrence since we arrived.”

you pulled back from your embrace to peer up at him through your lashes, already catching him staring at you with an unreadable expression in his eyes. you thanked the heavens that he couldn't see how inevitably red your face probably was in the dim lighting outside. you blinked slowly, saying, “our parents seem a lot a like in many regards, so i can only imagine what is they're picking fights about.”

“potential marriage suitors, even though i've told them until the breath is drained from lungs that i'm not marrying unless i find someone myself, someone i have a connection with,” he pondered his next words carefully, “i don't want to be a pawn in their political affairs. besides, my brother has always been more than willing to appease them on anything i refuse to do because he sucks up to them, so i don't understand why they can't leave me alone.”

you understood exactly what he was saying all to well, except that you'd never have the guts to openly defy your parents on marriage, and your sister felt the exact same as you did as wanting to feel a genuine connection with someone. his eyes searched yours, gaze softening at the realization that you felt the weight of what he was saying. he lifted a hand to your face, brushing a strand of your hair back behind your ear. you felt your heart lurch in your chest, “you look so beautiful tonight, y/n.”

the rest of the night was spent with quiet conversation, your book long forgotten, and within an hour you leaned up against one of the castle walls, sleep starting weigh down your eyelids sooner than you'd hoped it would. the chill of the air was starting to cut through your thin robe and night dress, and you found yourself leaning closer to taerae for warmth. he wrapped an arm around your shoulder, drawing you into him, and you allowed your head to rest on his chest, slowly dozing to the sound of his steady heartbeat beneath your ear.

you hadn't felt this safe or content in a long while.

your touchiness with taerae seemed to escalate during your quiet moments spent together, and you found yourself missing him in every way possible when you weren't together. you knew it was a bad idea, knew it was a mistake, but you couldn't find it in you to really care. not when there wasn't eyes watching or words that needed to be left unsaid in the presence of others. your feelings for taerae started as a spark but were now a bright, burning flame in your heart. he understood in ways you never thought possible and made you feel so safe in the time you spent with him, like every secret you ever uttered was locked away. you were doubtful he felt the same way about you at first, but now, you were sure he did. it was written on his face whenever he saw you for the first time over the coming days and felt in the way his fingertips grazed your lower back or head rested atop yours.

you were both playing a very dangerous game.

you knew it was wrong, you knew that if you were caught, you'd be facing your parents’ backlash and punishment. it could tear you and your sister apart, and likely hanbin and taerae, too. but taerae was addictive, and you didn't think you could ever get enough of him or stay away from him long enough to actually care. which led to where you were now, again under the massive blanket of stars in the sky and the flicker of a candle illuminating just enough of the balcony for you to really see each other. you'd just finished rambling about the little spat you'd had with your mother earlier in the day, and taerae listened with gentle eyes staring into your own, taking in every word.

his irises glinted with an almost unreadable expression and he raised a hand to cup your cheek, a small smile curling up the corners of your mouth, “i love listening to you talk, even if it's about something like this.”

you felt heat rush to your cheeks and you playfully swatted at his chest, pulse quickening in your throat at the way he started inching closer, “oh hush!”

he leaned forward, your nose brushing lightly, and this time, you felt the panic rise up in your throat, “taerae, wait.”

he halted his actions immediately, searching your face for a reason as to why. you wanted him to kiss you so bad, but everything in your brain was screaming at you to stop and think. to consider the consequences of taking whatever the two of you had any further. you heaved a sigh, guilt lacing your tone as you said, “we can't do this.”

it took a second for the gears in his head to start turning, and once he had a moment of realization, he gently pulled away from you, sadness evident in his expression. he nodded, “you're right.”

“i just don't want either of us to come out of this with a broken heart,” you said, eyes glazing over with tears. taerae’s next words were full of a certainty you weren't quite ready to face.

“i think no matter what, we will.”

you were quiet for a moment, really pondering your situation. tears pricked your eyes, your glossy gaze meeting his as you said, “maybe we should stop meeting up here so often.”

you didn't feel like yourself as you said it and you swore you could feel your heart break in your chest the moment his expression fell. he simply nodded, knowing all too well that you were right, and you felt a hot tear slip onto your skin and race down to your chin. he was quick to notice, reaching out and swiping it away, his voice gentle as he said, “don't cry, y/n. i completely understand where you're coming from.”

“let's at least have this night together.”

the days following your last conversation with taerae felt as though someone had dimmed the world around you—not enough to render it dark, but enough to leave everything muted. quieter. lonelier. it was astonishing how a single choice, a single sentence whispered on a balcony under a blanket of stars could carve such a hollow space inside your chest. you felt it constantly — when you woke, when you walked, when you ate, when you breathed.

distance.

you had said it with conviction, but every hour since had felt like punishment. the first morning, the castle was filled with a deceptive sort of brightness. sunlight spilled in generous sheets through the tall windows, warm and golden, illuminating the dining hall in soft honeyed tones. the florists had arranged fresh blooms along the long table—wildflowers weaving through ivory and blush tulips, threaded with sage-green foliage. the air smelled faintly of fruit preserves and baked pastries.

you sat beside your mother, posture straight, hands folded neatly in your lap. you didn’t dare look across the table at first. your heart hammered too loudly; your mind spun too quickly. instead, you forced yourself to butter a piece of toast with careful, meticulous movements, your throat feeling too tight to swallow.but instinct was stronger than willpower and you looked up and there he was. taerae sat one place down from hanbin, dark hair falling slightly into his eyes, his fingers curled around the stem of his water goblet. he looked tired — beautiful, but tired. there was a heaviness in his posture, something worn at the edges. he traced the rim of his goblet absently with the pad of his thumb, a restless motion that betrayed the calm he attempted to portray.

he wasn’t speaking, he wasn’t smiling, and he wasn’t looking at you. not yet. but then, as if pulled by an unseen thread, his gaze lifted and your eyes met. in that split second, the room disappeared entirely, making it impossible to breathe. he blinked, sharply, as though the sight of you had startled him. his hand stilled; your fingers tightened around your fork, knuckles blanching white. taerae looked away first, his jaw tensing as he did, as though it cost him something to break that fragile contact.you didn’t look again, though you felt his gaze flicker toward you more than once during the meal. each time, your heart fluttered like a bird caught between wanting to fly and wanting to hide. your sister nudged your arm gently at one point, concern etched into her features. “are you alright?” she whispered.

you forced a smile that didn't even reach your eyes, “i’m fine.”

you weren’t. she knew. you knew. but pretending was easier than unraveling.

later, the castle gardens were warm from the sun. your sister had coaxed you outside with the promise of fresh air helping clear your head. the two of you strolled past rows of lavender, the fragrance sweet and calming, though it did little to settle the churning in your stomach. she spoke of wedding preparations — flowers, gown fittings, the musicians hanbin had suggested for the ceremony. she complained of the stress of it all, how nothing felt right, that she just wanted an escape. you tried to listen to her, because you felt for her more than you let on and wanted to be there for her, but your thoughts were far from her words.

movement in the distance caught your attention. he walked alongside an everdawn advisor, his expression polite but distant. the advisor spoke animatedly, gesturing with his hands, but taerae’s attention wasn’t on him. because it was on you. the world seemed to pause; he didn’t smile, didn’t nod, but something in his eyes softened, just barely, before he forced himself to look away.

your breath caught in your throat the moment he did. you quickly shifted your gaze elsewhere, heart tumbling painfully in your chest. your sister followed the direction of your glance. realization dawned in her eyes. not shock, not judgment, but quiet understanding. she didn’t press. she didn’t have to.

night brought no relief. the castle grew still after midnight — the murmurs of nobles and servants fading into hush, leaving the hallways bathed in low candlelight and long shadows. the air was cool, crisp, carrying the faint sound of crickets and distant wind rustling through the trees. you laid awake in your bed, hands folded across your stomach, staring at the carved canopy above you. the stitching on your comforter seemed too loud, the ticking of the clock too sharp. your thoughts drifted endlessly back to taerae — his eyes, his voice, the warmth of his presence beside you. you tossed. you turned. you sighed. eventually, you gave in to the ache tugging at your heart. you slipped from your bed, wrapped a robe around your shoulders, and lit your candle. the flame flickered as you walked through the corridors, illuminating the delicate tapestries along the walls and the marble steps leading down into the library.

the library door creaked softly as you pushed it open. the scent of ink and parchment greeting you like an old friend. your footsteps were soundless as you approached the hidden door and climbed the narrow staircase behind it, your heart thudding unevenly. when you reached the top, the night air rushed over you, a soft summer breeze carrying the delicate scent of jasmine from the gardens below. you stepped out onto the balcony and froze. taerae stood there, one hand braced on the stone railing, the other resting loosely at his side, his figure bathed in pale moonlight. his tunic was rumpled, hair slightly disheveled. he looked like he hadn’t slept. like he couldn’t.

he didn’t turn right away, but you knew he sensed you. the tension in his shoulders gave him away. you stepped forward slowly, candle trembling faintly in your grasp. “couldn’t sleep either?” you whispered.

taerae exhaled softly, a sound that was equal parts relief and exhaustion, “no,” he admitted, voice low, “i don’t think sleep wants anything to do with me these days.”

you drifted toward the railing beside him; close, but not touching. the distance between you was small, barely a foot, but it felt like an entire world. you set your candle on the stone beside you, letting the flame flicker in the breeze. the stars above glimmered like scattered shards of glass, the moon casting silver ripples across the lake below. for a long moment, neither of you spoke. the silence wasn’t comfortable anymore. it wasn’t painful either. it was… charged. dense. full of everything neither of you dared to say.

“you’ve been avoiding me,” taerae said quietly, without accusation.

your breath hitched. you kept your gaze fixed on the gardens, “i thought that was what we agreed on.”

“we did,” he murmured, “i just didn’t realize agreeing to it would feel like this.”

you turned your head, startled by the rawness in his tone.

“taerae…”

his eyes met yours, and the intensity there made your pulse stutter, “you think this distance is easy for me?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper. “you think i can just switch off how —” he cut himself off abruptly, jaw tightening.

you stepped back a half pace, heart hammering, “don’t,” you whispered, “please don’t say something you can’t take back.”

his eyes flickered, hurt briefly shadowing them, “and if it’s something i don’t want to take back?”

“taerae—”

“no,” he said, shaking his head slightly, “tell me. does this—” he gestured between the two of you, fingers trembling, “—feel simple to you? because it feels anything but simple to me.”

you swallowed hard, throat tight, “this is wrong.”

“then why does it feel like the only thing that isn’t?” he shot back softly.

your chest constricted painfully, “because if we keep going,” you whispered, “we’ll only end up hurting each other. hurting everyone.”

taerae closed his eyes briefly, pain threading his expression, “too late,” he murmured.

your breath hitched. “what?”

“i already hurt,” he said simply.

your hands trembled at your sides upon his subtle confession. he took a step toward you, just one, but it stole the air from your lungs. you felt his warmth seep toward you, felt the electricity humming beneath your skin. he lifted a hand slowly, as if fighting himself, and paused just inches from your cheek, fingers hovering in the space between you. you didn’t move. you couldn’t. his breath brushed your skin, warm, unsteady. the muscles in his throat worked as he swallowed, eyes flickering to your lips and back up again.

“taerae,” you whispered, heart racing. he made a sound, something small and broken, before he forced himself to drop his hand, stepping back as though the effort physically hurt.

“i should go,” he said, voice hoarse.

your stomach twisted, “okay.”

he hesitated, looking at you like he was memorizing every detail. the moonlight caught the edges of his irises, turning them to molten bronze. “goodnight, y/n,” he murmured.

you let out a defeated sigh, “goodnight, taerae.”

he left slowly, each step echoing down the staircase until the sound faded entirely. you stood there long after he was gone, gripping the railing until your fingers ached, trying to steady the storm raging inside you.

the pattern repeated in the nights that followed. you tried not to go to the balcony. he tried not to be there. yet every night, one of you arrived. every night, the other followed. you spoke softly, sometimes about your books, sometimes about childhood memories, sometimes about nothing at all. it almost felt as if nothing had really changed between the two of you. the words never mattered as much as the presence, the quiet companionship in a world filled with obligations and expectations.

you never touched. but sometimes your sleeves brushed. sometimes your knees bumped beneath the blankets you spread on the stone floor. sometimes you stood so close your breaths mingled. each time, you felt something inside you strain, like a thread pulled taut, begging to be tied or broken. neither of you pulled away. neither of you moved forward. it was a delicate balancing act between desire and restraint. a dance neither of you knew the steps to. a flame neither of you dared to touch. a wound neither of you could let heal.

the distance between you lived in the spaces you didn’t cross. but the longing — that lived everywhere. in every glance. every inhale. every night you slipped from your room with a candle in hand, hoping he’d be there, knowing he would. the tension had become a living thing; pacing, waiting, straining against the fragile cage the two of you had built around it. a storm building on the horizon. beautiful. dangerous. inevitable.

and soon, you would no longer be able to outrun it.

the castle felt strangely restless.

you noticed it first in the way the staff hurried down the corridors — skirts swishing, polished shoes tapping more quickly than usual against the marble floors. fresh bouquets of flowers were being carried into the dining hall, replacing the ones that had only just been placed there a few days before. candles were changed out for taller ones, wicks crisp and untouched, waiting to be lit. there was a hum in the air, something tense and anticipatory. it made your skin prickle.

you stood in front of your mirror as your maid fastened the last of the buttons along your back, the pale lavender gown that was chosen for the evening glimmering faintly in the light. it was a simple dress compared to some of the other extravagant ones your mother favored, but still beautiful nonetheless, the bodice soft and structured, the skirt flowing around your legs like a quiet pool of water. “her majesty requested something more formal tonight,” your maid had said apologetically as she held the gown out for you earlier. “there will be important business matters to discuss.”

“important matters?” you had repeated, surprised, “like what?”

she only shrugged, “i’m not sure, my lady. i just know the queen wants everything to be perfect.” those words alone were enough to put a knot in your stomach. now, as you smoothed your hands over the skirts of your dress, you studied your reflection. you looked composed. polished. exactly the picture your mother always wanted you to be. you didn’t feel like any of those things. you felt unsettled.

you tugged absently at one of your curls, which had been pinned half-up, leaving the rest to cascade over your shoulders. your maid fastened a delicate silver chain around your neck, the small pendant resting against your collarbone. “you look lovely, my lady,” she offered with a smile.

you gave her a small, polite one in return, “thank you.”

lovely. composed. perfectly turned out. you wondered, not for the first time, if anyone ever truly saw past that.

the dining room glowed with warmth and gold when you entered.

a long table stretched nearly the length of the room, adorned with arrangements of ivory roses, lavender sprigs, and soft greenery. crystal glasses reflected the warm light of the candles placed between them. the ceiling, painted with scenes of avaloria’s history, seemed to shimmer in the flickering light. your parents were already there, standing near the head of the table, speaking in hushed tones. your mother’s gown was immaculate, a deep plum color with embroidered silver threading curling along the sleeves. your father’s expression was carefully neutral, though you recognized the faint tightness in his jaw.

you spotted hanbin and your sister near one end of the table. she laughed quietly at something he said, her expression soft and fond. the sight warmed your chest in a way that was both comforting and painful. you forced a smile and made your way over. “you look beautiful,” your sister said as you approached, eyes shining, “doesn’t she, hanbin?”

hanbin smiled genuinely. “lavender suits you well, y/n.”

“thank you,” you replied, accustomed to the formalities but still appreciative, “you both look wonderful, as always.” you were mid-conversation with them when the doors opened again.

taerae entered alongside his parents, his tunic a deep navy that contrasted beautifully with his warm skin. silver detailing traced the edges of his collar and cuffs. his hair was slightly neater than it had been the past few days, though a familiar strand still fell across his forehead. your heart lurched at the sight of him. he scanned the room quickly, expression composed until he found you. his gaze snagged on yours, held for a heartbeat too long, and you felt your chest tighten. you quickly looked away, pretending to fuss with the skirt of your dress.

distance. you reminded yourself. you had promised. and yet, even from across the room, you could feel him like a gravity.

taerae took his seat across from where you would be, one place down. close enough that you would see him every time you looked up. close enough that you could hear the way he laughed, the exact pitch of his voice, the way he breathed in sharply when something surprised him. you hadn’t decided if that was a blessing or a curse.

dinner began like any other formal meal.

bowls of soup were served first, the steam curling gently into the air as quiet conversation filled the space. your mother asked the queen of everdawn about their latest political negotiations. your father discussed trade routes with taerae’s father and the visiting advisor from everdawn. hanbin and your sister remained in their own little bubble of soft conversation and shy smiles. you ate mechanically. a small sip of soup here, a piece of bread there. your appetite had been fickle lately, unpredictable and weak.

occasionally, your gaze drifted. taerae sat with his shoulders straight, listening intently to the conversation around him. he didn’t speak much, but when he did, it was thoughtful, measured. you watched his fingers curl around the stem of his goblet, the way his thumb drifted along the smooth glass as if to occupy restless hands. once or twice, your eyes accidentally met. every time, he looked away first. every time, your chest ached. you were swirling the last of your wine in your glass when your father cleared his throat. the room grew quieter almost instantaneously; even the servants moving along the walls seemed to still. your father rose slowly from his chair, resting his hands on the back of it as he looked over the room.

your stomach dropped; you had seen that look before. it was the same one he wore when giving speeches to the court or announcing important decisions. to your right, your mother’s eyes were bright in a way that made your skin crawl.

“thank you all for joining us tonight,” your father began, his voice steady, carrying easily across the table. “as you know, this summer has marked a very important time for avaloria and everdawn alike. the union between our two nations through the engagement of our eldest daughter and son is something we hold in the highest regard.”

hanbin squeezed your sister’s hand under the table. she flushed, eyes soft as she looked up at him. he smiled back, warmth radiating off him. you knew it was an act, she'd told you as muhc, but they made it seem so believable. and yet you couldn’t help the twinge of envy that flickered quietly inside you, that at least hanbin was kind, gentle, attentive. your sister could have done far worse, and you were grateful that fate and your parents had at least given her someone she could learn to care for.

“because of this, we wanted to host a ball to celebrate our soon to be husband and wife, which will be happening in the coming weeks.”

your father’s gaze moved along the table, pausing briefly on hanbin and your sister before shifting further down. “additionally,” he continued, “in light of strengthening not only our ties with everdawn, but also with other surrounding nations, her majesty and i have been in extensive talks with the kingdom of vespera.”

vespera. you had heard of them. a distant kingdom, known for its ports and rich night markets, thriving under a sky that always seemed just a shade darker than anywhere else. you had read about their royal family in passing, but never thought much of it. until now. a cold unease slithered up your spine.

“after much deliberation,” your father said, “we are pleased to announce that an arrangement has been reached.” you didn’t like where this was going. you didn’t like it at all. your fingers curled against the fabric of your dress, nails digging into your palm. your father’s gaze settled on you.

“our beloved daughter, princess y/n of avaloria, will be wed to prince seok matthew of vespera.”

for a moment the room emptied of sound.

you heard nothing but the rush of blood in your ears, your heartbeat pounding so loudly it was almost painful. the edges of your vision blurred, the candlelight smearing into indistinct halos of gold. wed. you. to someone you had never met. you stared at your father, waiting for him to correct himself, to say this was merely an idea, a possibility, something still under consideration. but his expression remained firm, resolute. this wasn’t an idea.

this was a decision.

your mother’s smile was small and triumphant, pride tucked neatly behind a mask of politeness, “we are honored by vespera’s willingness to join hands with avaloria,” she added smoothly, “prince matthew will be arriving in a few weeks’ time for a formal introduction.”

weeks. they had already decided. they had already planned. and no one told you. no one thought to mention it, to ask how you felt, to even warn you that your future was being dictated across a table you weren’t invited to sit at, but you couldn't say you were surprised. “i—” your voice came out much softer than you intended. you swallowed, trying again, “i wasn’t informed of this.”

your mother’s eyes snapped to you, warning flashing through them, “y/n,” she murmured, voice low, “this is neither the time nor the place—”

“you didn’t tell me,” you said, louder this time. your hands trembled slightly in your lap, “you arranged for me to marry a man from another nation and didn’t tell me.”

a tense hush fell over the table. your sister’s eyes widened, worry knitting her brows together. hanbin glanced between you and taerae, sensing the tension, though perhaps not understanding its full depth. you risked a glance at taerae. his expression was carefully blank. too blank. you could see the whiteness of his knuckles where his hand gripped his goblet. his throat bobbed as he swallowed hard, jaw clenched so tightly a muscle ticked near his ear. your heart twisted sharply in your chest.

“y/n, dear, if i may,” taerae’s mother said gently, trying to smooth things over, “i’m sure your parents would have told you in due time. arrangements such as these take great care and consideration.”

“they’ve had enough time to discuss it,” you said quietly, anger and hurt tangling in your chest, “they had time to plan, to negotiate, to reach agreements. there was time for all of that.”

your eyes flicked back to your father. “but not a single moment to speak to me.”

your mother’s lips pressed into a thin line. “you should be grateful, y/n,” she said sharply, her pleasant façade thinning, “vespera is a powerful ally. this is an honor.”

“an honor,” you repeated, the word feeling like ash on your tongue.

you pushed your chair back; the sound of the legs scraping against the floor was too loud in the silence, echoing against the walls. every pair of eyes in the room turned fully to you now. “excuse me,” you said, voice shaking despite your best efforts to steady it.

“y/n,” your father began, tone oozing with a warning you knew you should heed, but you couldn't find the willpower to.

“no,” you cut in before you could stop yourself, “i… i need some air. i can’t… i can’t stay here.”

your throat felt tight, your chest constricting painfully as your vision blurred with tears you refused to let fall in front of them. you turned and walked away from the table, your skirts sweeping behind you, every step feeling simultaneously too loud and not loud enough. nobody followed you. nobody called you back.

you heard your mother’s soft scoff, the scrape of her chair as she sat back down. you heard the low murmur of voices desperately trying to return to normal. somewhere behind you, in the middle of it all, taerae remained silent. you didn’t remember much of the walk down the corridor; just flashes. the chill of the stone floor beneath your shoes. the way the torches along the walls flickered, flames bending with the drafts. the distant sound of music from somewhere else in the castle, faint and distorted.

you pushed open the nearest door you could find that led outside — a side entrance off the main hall — and stepped into the night. the air hit you all at once, cool and sharp. you inhaled deeply, the scent of grass and distant lake water rushing into your lungs. you braced a hand against the stone wall, finally letting your shoulders sag. you felt like you were unraveling. married to a man you had never met, decided for you without a word of warning, spoken aloud in front of guests as though you were a symbol, a treaty, a tool. just another piece on a board your parents were moving.

your vision blurred, a hot tear finally slipping free and trailing down your cheek. you swiped at it with the heel of your palm, frustrated with yourself for crying. you didn’t want to cry. you wanted to scream. you wanted to shout at your parents, at your fate, at the gods themselves for making your entire existence a transaction. somewhere above the sharp ache in your heart, another realization twisted like a knife. you thought of taerae. the way his gaze had shuttered; the way his fingers had curled around his goblet. the way he had gone still when your father said the words.

your breath hitched. this wasn’t just about the marriage. this was about him. about everything you had been carefully, painfully, trying not to name. you pressed your back against the stone and slid down until you were sitting on the step, gathering your skirts around you, hands shaking in your lap. you tipped your head back against the wall, staring up at the strip of night sky visible between the castle towers. stars glittered faintly there, distant and indifferent.

you wrapped your arms around yourself, as if that could keep all the broken pieces from spilling out. for a while, you just sat there, alone with the weight of what had just been decided for you. alone with the knowledge that the person you wanted most in the world was the one person you could never, ever have.

you didn’t know that back in the dining hall, taerae’s eyes had followed you until the doors shut behind your dress. you didn’t see the way his jaw clenched, the way his gaze darkened, the way his hand fell away from his goblet and curled into a fist beneath the table. you didn’t hear hanbin lean over to murmur something to him, concern threading his voice. “taerae…” you didn’t see taerae’s expression as he whispered back, barely moving his lips. “don’t.”

you didn’t see him swallow down every instinct that screamed at him to get up, to go after you, to ignore propriety and his parents and the entire court and run to your side. you didn’t see that he stayed rooted to his chair only because he knew that if he stood, he would never sit back down.

you only felt the distance. widening. sharpening. sinking its teeth deeper into both of you. and somewhere, quietly, beneath the hurt and anger and crushing disappointment — a small, fragile, defiant part of you whispered:

this can’t be how my story ends.

everything felt different after the announcement.

not immediately at first; everything looked the same. the same polished floors, the same tapestries, the same portraits looking down from their gilded frames. the same servants moving through the halls with trays and linens and fresh flowers. the same steady glow of afternoon light through the windows. but beneath all of that, something had shifted. you felt it in the way people glanced at you now. the way some of the staff smiled a little too kindly, their eyes full of something like pity. the way your mother’s expression sharpened whenever you came into view, as if you were a painting hung crooked on the wall. you were no longer just a princess. you were an engagement. a promise. a piece in a game you hadn’t chosen to play. 

the hours after the dinner blurred. you didn’t go back to the table. you didn’t see taerae again that night — not in the hallways, not in the gardens, not in the library. you stayed in your chambers, staring at the far wall until the candles burned low, the world softening at the edges with exhaustion. you hadn’t cried, not really. a few tears, yes, but not the kind of sobbing your heart seemed to demand.

it was as if your grief had nowhere to go. it just sat inside your chest, heavy and dense, pressing against your lungs. morning came without mercy. your maid helped dress you in a pale blue gown light enough for the warm weather, the fabric floating around your ankles as you stepped into your shoes. you stared at your reflection while she brushed out your hair, twisting pieces back and securing them with pearl pins.

“will you be walking with your sister this morning?” she asked gently.

you swallowed, “if she wants me to.”

you knew she did.

breakfast was a quieter affair than usual. the everdawn royals were there, as always, but the atmosphere lacked its usual ease. hanbin tried to keep conversation light, speaking softly with your sister. your father seemed preoccupied, his brow furrowed even as he complimented the cook on the food. your mother was  composed. overly so. you could feel taerae’s presence across the table like a physical thing, but you didn’t let yourself look at him. not once. if you did, you feared everything inside you would splinter.

your sister walked with you afterward, looping her arm through yours as the two of you headed toward the lake. the morning light shimmered on the water, turning it into a sheet of silver-blue. birds chirped in the trees, oblivious to the storm brewing in your chest. “how are you feeling?” she asked quietly once you were far enough from the castle that no one could accidentally overhear.

you exhaled, the breath shaky, “i don’t know.”

“it seems quite sudden,” she murmured, “about vespera’s arrangement with us.”

“sudden,” you echoed bitterly. “they didn’t tell me anything. they just… announced it.”

your sister’s grip on your arm tightened, “i’m so sorry.”

“i shouldn’t be surprised,” you said, though it hurt to admit, “this is how it’s always been, hasn’t it? we get told after the decisions are made. if we’re told at all.”

she fell silent. you both knew the truth of it. you reached the shoreline and paused, the two of you watching the gentle lap of water against stone. the wind toyed with the lower edge of your skirt, cool against your legs.

“do you know anything about him?” she asked, “prince matthew?”

you shook your head, “just his name. and that he’s apparently worthy of binding our nation to his.”

your sister’s expression softened with something like pain, “you deserve more than that, y/n.”

“you say that,” you whispered, “but do they?”

she didn’t answer. she didn’t need to. you stayed there for a long time, letting the quiet between you speak for itself. when you finally started back toward the castle, your steps felt heavier than when you’d left. you were halfway down the corridor leading to the main staircase when you heard your name.

“y/n.” your mother’s voice. you stopped, spine straightening instinctively. your fingers curled around your skirt as you turned toward her. she stood a few paces away, near the entrance to one of the smaller sitting rooms. her gown was immaculate as always, a deep red with intricate beading along the bodice. her hair was swept back tightly, not a strand out of place.

she dismissed the passing maid with a flick of her wrist. the woman bowed and hurried down the hall, leaving you alone with your mother. “come with me,” your mother said. not a request. an order. you glanced at your sister.

“i'm here if you need to talk after,” she murmured, squeezing your hand. “no matter what, alright?” you nodded once and followed your mother into the sitting room. she closed the door behind you with a chilling quiet that led you believe this conversation wasn't going to be a pleasant one. 

the room itself was beautiful. soft cream walls, tall windows draped with sheer curtains to let in filtered light, plush armchairs facing a carved stone fireplace. a vase of fresh white lilies sat on a small table, their scent subtle but unmistakable. your mother didn’t sit. you didn’t either.

“i suppose we should address last night,” she began, folding her hands neatly in front of her, “don’t you?”

you pressed your lips together, “i don’t know what there is to say.”

one of her brows arched, “you stood up from the table in front of our guests and contradicted your king and queen. you made a scene. i would say there’s quite a lot to say.” heat flared in your cheeks at her words. 

“i didn’t know,” you said, voice low but steady, “about vespera. about prince matthew. you made arrangements for my future without speaking to me.”

“your future is not yours alone to consider,” she said sharply, “you are a princess of avaloria. your life is bound to this kingdom whether you like it or not.”

“i know that,” you replied quietly, “i’ve always known that. but would it have been so terrible to include me? to tell me before you announced it in front of everyone?”

“and what would you have done with that information?” she asked, “begged us to reconsider? demanded a different suitor? run off to the village and hide with some stable boy until we dragged you back?” her eyes narrowed, “knowledge does not change duty.”

your throat tightened, “you make it sound like i’m ungrateful.”

“you are being ungrateful,” she said, annoyance curling through her words, “vespera is strong. prince matthew is well-regarded. avaloria stands to gain much from this arrangement. do you understand the weight of that?”

“what about what i stand to lose?” you asked before you could stop yourself.

she stared at you, lips thinning, “what you stand to lose is irrelevant when weighed against the needs of an entire nation.”

the words landed with the force of a blow. you inhaled slowly, “you didn’t even ask if i might care for someone else.”

her eyes flashed, “and do you?”

your heart stumbled. there it was. the line you’d been inching toward since you walked into the room. her question hung between you, heavy and sharp. you said nothing. you didn’t need to; your silence was answer enough. your mother took a step toward you, studying your face with a cold kind of precision, “this wouldn’t have anything to do with prince taerae, would it?”

you froze. her gaze sharpened, satisfied, “i’m not blind, y/n. i see the way you look at him. i see the way he looks at you.” she scoffed lightly, “it’s foolish.”

“it isn’t—” you started, then stopped, hating the way your voice shook.

“it is,” she cut in, “he is the second son of everdawn. his brother is to marry your sister. do you understand how ridiculous it would be for you to attach yourself to him? to muddy the simplicity of what we have built with something as frivolous as…” she waved a hand dismissively, “…personal affection?”

you flinched slightly at her tone, “you speak as if feelings are a nuisance.”

“when they interfere with reason, they are,” she replied coolly, “you are not some common girl with the freedom to chase after every flutter of her heart. you are a princess. your heart belongs to avaloria first.”

“does it belong to me at all?” you asked softly.

for a brief, flickering moment, something like guilt passed over her face. it was gone as quickly as it came. “you’re being dramatic,” she said, “this fixation you have on taerae will pass.”

you stiffened, “it isn’t a fixation.”

“call it whatever you like,” she replied, “it changes nothing. taerae is not an option for you. he is quiet. bookish. stubbornly independent. he shirks duty whenever he can. he would make a poor husband for a princess, even if his position were suitable.”

your hands curled into fists at your sides, “you don’t know him.”

“i know enough,” she replied crisply, “i know he spends half his time hiding away with novels instead of engaging in diplomacy. i know his parents have spent years trying to mold him into something presentable for court and he resists at every turn. he is not stable. he is not predictable.” her gaze bored into yours, “you cannot anchor a kingdom to a man like that.”

“he is kind,” you countered, emotion rising in your chest, “he listens. he understands. he doesn’t make me feel like i’m a pawn or a task to be managed.”

“and what does that matter when war is at our doorstep?” she demanded, “when trade routes falter? when neighboring kingdoms test our strength? kindness does not stop conquest. understanding does not secure treaties.”

“and love?” you murmured.

her mouth tightened, “love is a luxury for people who do not carry crowns on their heads.”

she said it with such certainty that, for a second, you felt the ground shift beneath your feet. “so that’s it then?” you asked quietly, “i am to smile and curtsy and marry a stranger because you tell me it is best for avaloria?”

“yes,” she said without hesitation, “that is your role. it has always been your role. you should be thankful you were chosen for such an alliance instead of resenting it.”

a hot sting built behind your eyes, “you’re not even angry that i care for him,” you realized, the words spilling out before you could swallow them back, “you’re angry that i care at all.”

her lips parted as if she might protest, but she didn’t. “attachments make things messy, y/n,” she said after a moment, “they make you weak. they make you question what must be done. and there is nothing more dangerous than a princess who hesitates.”

you stared at her, chest aching. “i don’t want to be dangerous,” you whispered, “i just want to be happy. even a little.”

“you will be,” she replied, her tone softening just slightly, “in time. you will grow used to vespera. to prince matthew. you will find contentment in fulfilling your duty. that is the kind of happiness afforded to people like us.”

people like us. you wondered when you had stopped being her daughter and became a category instead. she stepped closer, reaching up to adjust a loose strand of hair near your ear. the gesture was almost tender. almost. “i am doing what is best for you,” she said quietly, “even if you hate me for it right now.”

“i don’t hate you,” you said, voice trembling, “i just… i wish you saw me as more than what i can offer a kingdom.”

her expression flickered, “go take some time to yourself,” she said instead of answering, “compose yourself. prince matthew will arrive in a matter of a few weeks. there is much to prepare.”

she moved toward the door and paused with her hand on the handle, “and y/n?” she said without turning, “i would advise you to keep your distance from prince taerae. it will only make things harder.”

then she was gone. the door shut with a quiet click that sounded louder than any slam. for a long moment, you simply stood there, staring at the empty space where she had been. the lilies’ scent felt suddenly suffocating, too sweet, making it harder to breathe. you sank into one of the armchairs as your knees threatened to give out, your fingers trembling as they tangled with the fabric of your gown.

“keep your distance from prince taerae.”

as if you hadn’t already tried. as if you hadn’t been fighting that exact battle every waking moment. a small, bitter laugh threatened to escape you, but it died in your throat. you didn’t know how long you sat there, only that the shadows in the room shifted slightly as the sun climbed higher in the sky. eventually, the quiet pressed too hard against your ears, and you stood. you needed air. you needed space. you needed him. the realization came with startling clarity, slicing through the fog of your thoughts.

you left the sitting room and walked down the familiar corridors on autopilot. your feet carried you past the grand staircase, past the portraits, past the doors that led to the garden, straight toward the library. you didn’t stop to wonder if he would be there. you didn’t let yourself worry that he might not come. the only thing you knew was that the weight in your chest had become too much to bear alone.

the library was quiet, as it always was during this time of day. a few shafts of sunlight cut through the high windows, illuminating dust motes drifting lazily in the air. rows upon rows of books stretched into the soft shadows. you moved through them, fingers grazing the spines as you passed. the hidden staircase waited for you at the back, tucked behind a panel only you and a select few knew how to open. you slipped through, heart pounding, and began to climb. each step felt heavier than the last, but also strangely freeing — as if with every rise, you were shaking off a layer of someone else’s expectations.

the door at the top was slightly ajar. your pulse jumped as you pushed it open, pulse thrumming in your veins at the sight of him before you. taerae stood near the railing, back to you, hands braced against the stone as he looked out over the gardens and lake beyond. the late afternoon light painted warm gold along his shoulders, catching on the dark strands of his hair. it was almost as if he’d been waiting, like he knew, somehow, that you would come. you drew in a slow breath, the words from your mother still echoing in your skull.

taerae is not an option for you. attachments make you weak. keep your distance. your heart rebelled against every one of them.

“taerae,” you said softly.

he turned and with one look at his face, you knew you weren’t the only one breaking under the weight of everything. whatever happened next, you wouldn’t be able to keep pretending it didn't kill you.  he turned at the sound of your voice. his expression, usually so carefully guarded, flickered with something raw and startling — relief, worry, longing, confusion — all tangled together in a single look that punched the air from your lungs. for a moment, neither of you spoke. the afternoon sun haloed his silhouette, casting his dark hair in warm bronze light. a soft breeze carried the scent of the gardens below, but it all felt distant compared to the intensity of standing in front of him again. you closed the balcony door behind you, leaning against it as if you needed its support.

“i wasn’t sure you’d come,” taerae said quietly.

“i wasn’t either,” you admitted, your voice thinner than you intended. his gaze traveled over your face, lingering in places you wished it wouldn’t — your eyes, your mouth, the slight quiver of your hands. he straightened, stepping toward you before catching himself and stopping halfway. “you look distressed,” he murmured, softer now, “did something happen?”

you let out a shaky breath, nodding your head in disbelief, “everything happened.”

your voice cracked on the last word. he moved then, fast but controlled, closing the distance between you until only a sliver of air remained, eyes searching yours with worry swimming in his beautiful irises, “tell me.”

you hesitated, because saying the words aloud meant admitting they were real. admitting how much they hurt. admitting how powerless you felt. but taerae waited, eyes steady, patient, concerned. “my mother spoke to me,” you finally said, your fingers twisting in your skirts, “about vespera. about prince matthew. about… you.”

he inhaled sharply, his jaw tightening, “and what did she say?”

“that i should be grateful,” you replied bitterly, “that i should feel honored to marry someone i’ve never met. that my happiness is irrelevant compared to the needs of avaloria.” your voice wavered, but you pushed through, “and that i should keep my distance from you.” the last words fell heavy and sharp between you.

taerae’s expression darkened with hurt and anger, something unreadable simmering underneath, “of course she said that,” he muttered, “she thinks she knows what’s best for you.”

“taerae —”

“and what about what you want?” he cut in, stepping closer again, his voice low and rough, “did you tell her you hate this? that being paraded around like a bargaining chip makes you sick? that you—”

“stop.” you held up a trembling hand, “please. it isn’t that simple.”

“why not?” he demanded, not unkindly, just desperately, “why can’t you tell her you don’t want this marriage?”

“because it won’t change anything!” you fired back, louder than intended. the words echoed against the stone, startling you both.

you exhaled sharply, pressing your palms against your eyes, “i’m their daughter, taerae. a pawn in their stupid games. their political advantage. what i want has never been a part of the equation.”

“it should be,” he said, voice shaking with conviction.

“but it isn’t,” you whispered.

taerae paced a small circle, running a hand through his hair in frustration, “they’re dictating your entire life. your future. who you’ll marry. who you’ll—” he clenched his jaw, eyes shutting briefly, “—who you’ll share everything with. and you’re just supposed to accept it?”

“i don’t have another choice.”

“yes, you do!” he insisted, turning sharply to face you, “you could speak up. you could refuse. you could tell them you won’t do it.”

“and end up what?” you snapped, “locked in my chambers? exiled? punished? without a kingdom, without a voice, without any allies?”

silence. heavy, suffocating silence. you stepped back, voice softening into something wounded, “i’m not fearless like you, taerae. i can’t shout back at my parents the way you do. you don’t understand what it’s like to be the daughter they always expect perfection from.”

“don’t i?” he asked quietly.

you froze. he stared at you with eyes so painfully earnest it made your heart hurt. “i know what it is to suffocate under expectations and be told who i should be, what i should do, who i should marry,” his throat bobbed, “i know what it feels like to want something… someone… i can’t have.” your chest clenched at his words. hard. “taerae,” you whispered, “don’t—”

but he wasn’t finished. “you think i don’t understand you?” he said, stepping closer until your backs nearly touched the balcony door, “you think i don’t see how hard you try to be perfect for everyone? how carefully you tread to avoid disappointing anyone? how much you swallow just to keep peace?”

your eyes widened in bewilderment at his words. no one had ever said it aloud before. no one had ever seen you that clearly before. except him. always him. his hand lifted, fingers hovering near your cheek like they had the night on this very balcony, when he’d almost touched you. his voice dropped to something barely audible. “it breaks me to watch them pull you apart,” he murmured, “and it breaks me even more that you think you have to let them.”

“i don’t want to,” you whispered, voice trembling, “but i don’t know what else to do.”

taerae’s jaw worked silently for a moment before he spoke again, frustration bleeding through his tone, “then let me help you.”

you blinked, “help me?”

“yes,” he said, stepping even closer, eyes burning with something fierce and unwavering. “i don’t care if it complicates everything. i don’t care if it makes things difficult. i can’t watch you fall apart like this.” his throat tightened. “and i can’t pretend i don’t—” he stopped himself. just like before.

you stood frozen, barely breathing. “don’t what?”

taerae’s chest rose sharply. he looked at you like a man standing at the edge of a cliff. “don’t care about you,” he finished in a whisper. “don’t want you. don’t think about you more than i should. don’t feel —” he pressed his lips into a thin line, as if swallowing the rest.

your heart plunged. your hands curled against the fabric of your skirt. “i care about you too,” you said before you could think better of it.

something shattered in his expression then; something contained, restrained, barely held together. “then why are you still willing to marry him?” he asked, voice cracking. “why won’t you fight for something else, for something that could actually make you happy?”

because i’m not allowed to have you. the words sat heavy on your tongue, but you couldn’t bear to speak them. “it isn’t that simple,” you opted to say again, “we can’t just—”

“why not?” taerae’s voice rose, not in anger toward you, but in frustration at the world around you. “why can’t we?”

“because our families would never allow it,” you said, tears finally spilling over onto your cheeks. “because my mother already suspects something. because if they knew, if they really knew, what might happen to you? to me? to my sister? to the peace between nations?”

taerae’s breath faltered at the sight of your tears. within an instant, all the fire drained out of him, leaving worry in its place. “y/n…” he whispered, stepping close enough that you could feel the warmth radiating off him. he lifted his hand again slowly, giving you time to pull away. you didn’t. his fingers brushed your cheek, wiping away a tear with a tenderness that made your knees quiver.

you covered your eyes, shoulders trembling. “i don’t know what to do.”

his touch lingered for a heartbeat longer. “i’m sorry,” he murmured. “i shouldn’t have pushed you. i just—i hate seeing you in pain.”

“i hate all of this,” you whispered.

“i know.”

you leaned your head back against the door, trying to steady your breathing. taerae stayed close, not touching you again, but near enough that the space between you hummed with unsaid things. after a long, quiet moment, you found your voice again. “maybe we should… create more space.”

his entire body went still. you rushed to continue, even though it hurt to force the words out. “at least until prince matthew arrives. until i can… think clearly.”

taerae’s eyes shuttered, pain flashing through them before he masked it. “if that’s what you want,” he said softly, though his voice broke on the last word.

“it’s not what i want,” you whispered. “but it might be what we need.”

for a long, suspended moment, he just looked at you, really looked, his gaze traveling over your features as if memorizing them. because he knew he wouldn't be able to be this close to you again. finally, he stepped back. just a single step, but it felt like losing something vital.

“goodbye, y/n,” he said, barely audible.

your throat tightened. “goodbye, taerae.”

he hesitated, turned away, and descended the stairs without looking back this time. you watched the last glimpse of him disappear, the ache in your chest more intense than it had ever been. once you were alone, you finally let yourself break, quiet tears slipping down your cheeks as the weight of your duty and the weight of your heart collided in a way you no longer knew how to hold together.

the morning prince matthew of vespera arrived, avaloria woke early. you could tell before you even opened your eyes.

the castle thrummed with a careful kind of energy — servants hurrying down corridors, florists refreshing arrangements that had already been perfect, advisors rehearsing greetings under their breath. even the air itself felt more alert, vibrating faintly with anticipation, like the moment before a storm breaks. you sat at the edge of your bed, fingers curled loosely in your lap, staring at the faint outline of sunlight creeping across the rug. your maid entered quietly.

“her majesty will be here momentarily,” she said gently.

you nodded, awaiting your mothers arrival to your chambers, which was punctual as ever. she insisted on dressing you herself. she said it was tradition. you knew it was control. the gown she chose was a soft blush color, the sleeves sheer and embroidered with delicate vines of silver thread. pearls dotted the bodice in subtle patterns, catching the morning light like dew on rose petals. as she clasped a necklace around your throat, a single teardrop-shaped pearl, she paused.

“you are to smile,” she instructed softly, firmly. “vespera is an important ally.”

you didn’t respond. she didn’t expect you to. the family waited in the grand foyer, reminiscent of when you'd first welcomed the kingdom of everdawn into your home months ago now.  your father stood straight-backed, posture regal. your mother stood beside him, hands folded neatly. your sister and hanbin were positioned just behind them, both looking polished, elegant, composed. you took your place at your mother’s side. and then you felt it. before you looked, before you dared lift your eyes, you felt him.

he stood near hanbin, shoulders squared, expression unreadable. his dark hair was neatly brushed back today, not a strand out of place, and his tunic was a deep navy trimmed with gold. he looked every bit the prince he was born to be. but the tension in his jaw was for you alone to notice. you didn’t let your gaze linger on him, but you felt his on you. you always did.

the heavy oak doors creaked open as vespera’s delegation entered in a sweeping line of deep violet and silver — their royal colors. the vespera crest gleamed on polished brooches and embroidered banners, the symbol catching the light like a shard of dusk, and at the center of it all was him. the man you were meant to marry. seok matthew. you had expected someone imposing. stoic. cold. everything taerae feared your marriage would bind you to. but he wasn’t. he stepped forward with a gentle posture, warm eyes, and a soft smile that didn’t feel forced.

his hair was dark and wavy, falling just above his eyebrows. his features were refined, but approachable — handsome in a way that didn’t demand attention, but welcomed it. his attire was rich violet trimmed in pale gold, fitted yet comfortable. everything about him radiated earnestness. he bowed deeply to your parents. “your majesties,” he greeted in a smooth, respectful voice.

then he turned toward you and his smile, somehow, grew softer. “princess y/n,” he said, bowing again, though not as stiffly. “it is an honor to finally meet you.”

you curtsied. “likewise, prince matthew.” when you rose, he held your gaze for a moment in quiet observation. not assessment or calculation, just sincerity, and that almost made it worse.

“would you care for a walk in the gardens?” he asked after the initial pleasantries faded. “i’ve been told the grounds of avaloria are unmatched.”

you hesitated only because you felt another gaze burning into you. taerae’s, of course. but your mother’s hand pressed lightly against your back, urging you forward. “of course,” you said softly.

matthew offered his arm and you placed your hand lightly atop it. his posture straightened a little, as though aware of the significance, but he didn’t grip or pull — he simply matched his pace to yours as you stepped into the sunlight. the gardens were in full bloom. roses climbed trellises, their scent warm and fragrant in the early afternoon breeze. lilies opened wide, white petals glistening with dew. butterflies drifted lazily among the lavender bushes.

matthew seemed genuinely impressed. “it’s beautiful,” he murmured, voice quiet with awe. “vespera’s gardens are more structured. precise. but this…” he paused, letting his eyes sweep the space again. “it feels like the garden itself is breathing.”

you smiled faintly. “that’s why i love it.”

he glanced at you, a soft spark of interest in his eyes. “you love flowers?”

“i love the peace they bring.”

he nodded thoughtfully. “i can see that.”

the conversation was easy. gentle. he was attentive without being overbearing, kind without being presumptuous. he asked about your favorite books, your childhood memories, your fondness for the lake. he laughed quietly at your anecdotes, and you found yourself warming to his presence without meaning to. he was nice, very nice; if your heart belonged to no one else, maybe, just maybe, you could have let yourself see a future in that softness.  but your heart was not yours.

it had already chosen someone else.

matthew’s gaze flickered to the castle behind you at one point, studying the windows thoughtfully. “may i ask you something?” he said.

“yes.”

“are you happy about this engagement?”

the question landed like a stone in your stomach. you blinked in surprise. “why do you ask?”

he gave a small, almost sheepish smile. “you seem… conflicted. and i don’t want you to be frightened to say so.”

you simply just stared at him, lips slightly parted in confusion on whether or not this was a trick question. he chuckled, his smile reaching his eyes, “i won’t be offended, arranged marriages are rarely romantic things, no matter how much our kingdoms pretend otherwise.”

you swallowed hard, throat tightening. “i… i don’t know what i feel yet.”

he nodded, gaze warm. “that’s alright.”

you could have cried with relief at his understanding. but you didn’t. you simply breathed and hoped he didn’t notice how your eyes kept drifting to a figure standing far in the distance, one you'd grown to know well, watching from the shadowed archway of the courtyard. his hands were clenched at his sides, eyes fixed on the two of you, expression carved from quiet devastation. you ripped your gaze away before anyone could notice, but the damage was already done. your pulse was unsteady, breath shallow, and when matthew offered you a gentle smile, a kind one, a hopeful one, your heart broke a little more.

you wanted to feel something for him, you truly did, but all you felt was the echo of taerae’s absence, even as he stood watching nearby. you and matthew returned to the castle after nearly an hour. as you stepped inside, your mother beamed with satisfaction. your father looked pleased. hanbin smiled politely. your sister gave you a searching, sympathetic glance.

taerae didn’t look at you. not until the very last second, when the others turned their attention elsewhere. and then, finally, his eyes met yours, only for a heartbeat, long enough for the truth to flash across his face.  pain. longing. regret. helpless fury. something deeper than he could ever express, and then he was gone, slipping back into the group, expression carefully neutral, shoulders stiff. you stood rooted in place, chest tight, because for the first time since you’d met taerae, it felt like you were losing him. really losing him.

the worst part was that matthew had done nothing wrong. you just wished with everything in you that the man you were meant to marry was the man watching you from the shadows instead.

the days after matthew’s arrival unfolded like silk; smooth on the surface, but pulled tighter with every passing hour.

avaloria was alive with activity. servants hurried along polished corridors with fresh linens and silver trays. advisors whispered in tucked-away corners. maids exchanged gossip behind ornate doors. the gardens bloomed brighter with each sunrise, as if preparing themselves for a new chapter in the kingdom’s story. through it all, you moved carefully, quietly, carrying the weight of an engagement you didn’t choose and a heartbreak you didn’t dare name.

matthew settled into the castle with a softness that surprised you. his presence did not overwhelm — it simply filled the spaces left empty by silence. he was gracious, attentive, endlessly polite. and taerae…

taerae was sunlight behind a storm cloud — still brilliant, still warm, but distant in a way that made your chest ache. he stayed near his family. he read alone. he avoided you when he could. and when he couldn’t, he pretended you weren’t slowly undoing him.

your first real conversation with matthew happened unexpectedly.

you were seated under the shade of an oak tree on the far side of the gardens, reading in an attempt to distract your mind from everything it refused to forget. the sunlight filtered through the leaves in dappled gold, warming the pages of your book. you didn’t hear his footsteps at first.

“princess y/n?” you looked up; matthew stood a few feet away, posture relaxed, expression gentle, hands clasped behind his back. the morning light softened his features, turning his dark hair into warm chestnut and his eyes into calm amber.

you closed your book slowly, “prince matthew.”

his mouth twitched faintly, as if suppressing a smile, “i hope i’m not interrupting.”

“you’re not,” you replied, though the knot in your stomach said otherwise.

he motioned toward the empty spot beside you on the bench. “may i?”

you managed a small nod. he sat carefully, keeping a respectful distance. for a moment, you simply listened to the rustle of the trees, the quiet chirp of birds, the hum of summer air. then matthew looked at you, really looked. not like a prince assessing his bride-to-be, not like a diplomat surveying foreign land. just a man trying to understand a woman he wanted to treat gently. “i’m aware this arrangement is… sudden,” he began.

you swallowed. “that’s one word for it.”

“unwelcome?” he asked softly.

you hesitated. “unexpected.”

a small, understanding smile lifted his lips. “unexpected things can still become beautiful with time.”

you stared at your hands. “i don’t know if that is meant to comfort me or frighten me.”

he chuckled quietly, warm, sincere. “comfort, i promise.” silence fell again; comfortable for him, unbearable for you. finally, he said, “would you like to walk with me? just a short distance. i’d like to learn more about avaloria from the person who knows it best.”

you bit the inside of your cheek. he was trying so hard, which you appreciated so much, but nothing seemed to feel right with him. not like it did with taerae. you weren't sure if anything could, and that, somehow, made everything harder. “yes,” you said after a moment, deciding to give it a try. “i’d like that.”

you moved slowly through the gardens, the gravel paths crunching softly underfoot. matthew walked beside you with the easy grace of someone raised to be observant, respectful, attentive. he asked questions — gentle ones. you answered as best you could, honest but cautious, aware of every word that left your lips. you didn't feel you could be as open with him; how could you? especially when the answers were that you wanted to just run away and never look back. 

“conversing with you is lovely,” matthew remarked eventually. “i can see why your people love you.”

you blinked at him. “love me?”

he smiled softly. “you carry yourself with compassion. even your silence is kind.”

your chest tightened. “you say that like you’ve known me long enough to tell.”

“i’d like to,” he replied, earnest and hopeful.

before you could respond, movement caught your eye and your heart stuttered. beneath the vine-covered arch at the edge of the rose garden stood taerae. he hadn’t meant to be seen, that much was clear. his posture stiffened the instant your gaze found him. his eyes snapped away from you, focusing hard on the roses as though he’d been deeply studying them — which he hadn’t. the tension in his shoulders told the truth; he’d followed, or he had tried not to and failed. matthew noticed nothing. instead, he pointed at a row of white roses, asking about their symbolism, but you couldn’t hear him.

taerae’s jaw flexed. his hands dug into the pockets of his tunic and when matthew leaned closer to inspect a rose bloom, when your sleeve brushed the prince’s arm as you gestured, taerae’s entire body went rigid. you looked away instantly, your pulse thundering in your throat. between one heartbeat and the next, taerae turned sharply and walked off without a word, his stride too brisk to be casual. matthew’s voice floated beside you. “is everything alright?”

you forced a breath. “yes.” a lie. an obvious, hollow lie.

later that afternoon, a knock sounded on your chamber door and your maid peeked in. “a delivery for you, princess.”

you sat up straighter. “from whom?”

“from prince matthew.”

a swallow stuck in your throat. your maid carried a small velvet-wrapped parcel and set it gently in your hands. when she left, you opened it with careful fingers. inside, a pressed orchid from vespera; pale lavender, preserved perfectly beneath a glass frame intricately etched with swirling patterns.a note rested beneath it.

for the person who sees beauty even in difficult things. 

— matthew

you stared at the gift for a long time. he meant well and you wished fiercely, achingly, that you could feel something like excitement. instead, your heart gave a painful twist because the person you wished had given it to you was probably sitting alone in some quiet corner of the castle, pretending he didn’t care. you found proof of it that evening. you had gone to the library to escape the pressure building behind your ribs. the moment you stepped inside, you noticed the faintest flicker of candlelight from the far corner beside the shelves where the philosophy texts were kept. you moved closer to catch a glimpse, heart twinging at the sight. 

taerae was sat on the floor, back against the shelves, one leg bent, book resting on his knee, but he wasn’t reading. he was staring at the same page, unmoving, candlelight trembling beside him. “taerae?” you whispered.

he startled, looking up instantly. the moment your eyes met, something inside you threatened to break. he looked tired, but not tired in the way a man loses sleep. tired in the way a heart loses hope.

“princess,” he murmured. formalitydistance. pain.

you pretended not to hear him. “i didn’t realize anyone was here.”

“i’ll go,” he said quickly, closing his book.

“you don’t have to.”

he froze in his place but didn’t look at you. a sigh escaped your lungs as you stepped closer. “did i do something wrong?”

he let out a hollow, humorless breath. “no.”

“taerae—”

“don’t say my name like that,” he whispered suddenly.

your breath caught. “like what?”

“like you mean it.”

the silence that followed was unbearably loud. your heart pounded in your chest like a hoard of elephants.  “i do,” you whispered, barely audible.

his head tilted up sharply, eyes darkening. for a moment,  one breathtaking, terrifying moment, he looked like he might stand, walk toward you, say everything he’d held back for weeks. but then he blinked, and the moment shattered. “you shouldn’t,” he said, voice cracking.

he stood abruptly, grabbing his book and blowing out the candle so fast the smoke curled upward in a sharp, ghostly spire. “goodnight,” he said without looking at you.

“taerae—”

“don’t.”

your throat tightened painfully. “please don’t walk away.”

he paused at the end of the aisle, shoulders tense. “i have to,” he whispered, and then he left, the echo of his footsteps lingering long after he was gone.

it became a pattern.

matthew sought you out with kindness; soft smiles, thoughtful gifts, questions that invited your voice instead of pressing it. you responded politely, gratefully, cautiously. and taerae unraveled. quietly. painfully. tragically. he avoided rooms you entered. he left meals early. he spent more time alone. he lingered in doorways before forcing himself to turn away. sometimes you thought you’d imagined it — that maybe you’d imagined him — until a glance caught him looking at you with storm-filled eyes, and you felt the entire world tilt off its axis. the final thread between you frayed every time matthew smiled, every time he walked beside you, every time your mother praised how well the engagement was progressing. by the end of the week, you and taerae no longer needed to speak to know you were both breaking. silently. slowly.

apart.

the night of the ball felt like standing on the edge of a cliff in a gown made of sunlight.

avaloria had been dressed within an inch of its life. every corridor gleamed; every window flickered with candlelight; every servant moved with the alarmed precision of someone who knew a queen’s eye could appear at any moment. at the center of it all was you. the princess. the sister of the bride-to-be. the girl promised to a foreign prince. you stared at your reflection in the mirror, trying to recognize her. your maid fastened the last hook of your gown, her fingers quick and practiced. the champagne silk hugged your bodice, then fell in layered skirts that caught every hint of light, scattering it like stardust when you shifted. tiny pearls dotted the neckline and bodice, shimmering with each breath you took. your hair was half-pinned back, curls spilling over your bare shoulders in soft waves. a thin, delicate chain circled your throat, a single gem resting at your collarbone like a teardrop that hadn’t fallen yet.

“perfect,” your maid murmured, smoothing the skirt. “you look perfect.”

you looked like everything a princess should be. prim. polished. breathtaking. you didn’t feel perfect. you felt like porcelain — beautiful, fragile, and one wrong move away from shattering.

a knock sounded on your door. “come in,” you called, voice barely steady. your sister slipped inside, already dressed for the night. her gown was ivory and rose-gold, embroidered with delicate florals that climbed from her waist up to her heart. she looked beyond gorgeous.

“oh,” she breathed when she saw you, hand flying to her chest. “y/n…”

you tried to smile. “too much?”

“not enough,” she said, eyes glistening. “you look like you stepped out of a painting.”

she crossed the room, skirting around piles of fabric and boxes, and took your hands, turning you slowly so she could see every angle. “you look absolutely breathtaking too,” you told her, honesty lacing every single word as your gaze swept her up and down. 

she laughed, the sound full and warm. “i’m glad, because that's the least i deserve after being forced into this marriage.”

the laughter faded from her eyes as she looked at you properly. “how are you?” she asked softly.

there it was, the question everyone should have been asking, but no one had. you looked down at your joined hands, willing yourself not to cry your makeup off before you even made an appearance to the ball.  “i don’t know,” you admitted. “i feel like i’m standing on a precipice.”

“and?”

“and i don’t know if i’m supposed to jump or pray someone pulls me back.”

silence stretched softly between you. she squeezed your fingers. “whatever happens tonight,” she said, “you’re not alone. you know that, don’t you?”

you nodded. you weren’t sure you were worthy of her support.  “come on,” she added gently, looping her arm through yours. “before mother starts sending soldiers to retrieve us.”

the ballroom was a world unto itself. crystal chandeliers cascaded from the high ceiling, each one dripping with hundreds of candles that washed the room in warm gold. the marble floor gleamed, polished to a mirror’s shine, reflecting swirls of silk and velvet as people moved across it. music floated through the air — strings and flutes and the occasional bright burst of brass, weaving melodies thick with celebration.

flowers were everywhere. roses in creamy whites and blush pinks spilled from towering vases. sprigs of lavender and greenery tucked between them softened the displays, giving the room a wildness beneath its opulence — like your gardens had grown up and learned to wear a crown. you and your sister stepped through the ballroom doors to an immediate shift of attention. heads turned, nods were exchanged, whispers rustled from one side of the room to the other.

your parents stood at the far end, greeting guests beneath the largest chandelier. the everdawn royals were nearby. the vesperan delegation had claimed the opposite side of the room. the air hummed with layered formalities. and then you found him.

he stood a few paces behind hanbin, in a deep green coat that fit him too perfectly to be anything but custom-made. subtle gold embroidery traced the lapels and cuffs, catching the candlelight whenever he moved. his hair was brushed back, but one stubborn lock had already fallen forward, grazing his forehead. he looked devastatingly beautiful. not just in the way his features aligned, or the way he carried himself, but in the way his eyes found you across the distance like they’d been searching for you the entire night.

the intensity of his gaze hit you like a physical force. he looked at you from the top of your pinned hair to the hem of your gown to the hand you had looped through your sister’s. his throat bobbed and for one electric moment, he didn’t hide the devastation in his expression. you tore your eyes away before your feet betrayed you and walked to him instead of where you were meant to be. the vesperan royals approached — their purple and silver attire like pieces of twilight woven into fabric. at their side stood prince matthew. his eyes widened slightly when he saw you.

“you look…” he began, then smiled, almost boyishly. “i’m afraid i don’t have a word that lives up to what i’m seeing.”

“careful,” his mother teased under her breath. “you’ve already caught her. don’t frighten her off by dropping poetry now.”

you managed a soft, polite laugh. “thank you,” you said to matthew, lowering your head in a small nod.

he bowed in return. “may i escort you this evening, y/n?”

he said it gently, leaving room for refusal you were never truly going to have. “yes,” you answered, because you had to. “i’d be honored.”

you placed your hand in his outstretched one and he guided you into the sea of light, silk, and sound. behind you, you felt taerae’s gaze like a knife pressed between your shoulder blades.

the ball did what they always did: it pretended to be a storybook. strings swept the room into waltzes. nobles circled and dipped and twirled. conversations flowed with wine. laughter rose and fell like waves. you played your role. you danced with visiting lords and dignitaries. you curtsied. you smiled until your cheeks hurt. you answered polite questions about avaloria, about your sister’s wedding, about your future that everyone seemed to already know except for you.

through it all, matthew stayed close. he was careful with you. when he offered a hand for a dance, it was with a quiet, “i love getting to spend this time with you.” when he spoke, he asked about your thoughts, your memories, not just your duties. when you faltered, he noticed, and subtly shifted the question, the topic, the pressure away. he was, in every possible way, the ideal prince for an arranged marriage. and that was exactly the problem, because he wasn’t the prince you wanted.

during one of the slower dances, as the orchestra eased into a gentle waltz, matthew led you onto the floor again. his hand settled at your waist — light, respectful — and he took your other in his. the room blurred to soft gold as you moved in slow circles. “you’re quiet tonight,” he observed.

“i’m always quiet,” you replied, mustering up a smile that was actually believable. 

“your quiet usually feels… peaceful,” he said gently. “tonight it feels heavy.”

“you’re very perceptive,” you replied.

“i’ve had to be,” he answered. “vespera’s court is loud. reading what people don’t say is often safer than listening to what they do.”

you huffed softly; it was almost a laugh. “then what am i not saying?”

he studied your face carefully, his gaze never turning sharp or invasive. “you seem like someone standing in a spinning room,” he said slowly. “and everyone else is calling it dancing.”

the words knocked the air from your lungs. “and what would you do,” you asked quietly, “if you were that person?”

“i’d want someone to reach in and pull me still,” he said.

the orchestra’s melody curved around you, violins sighing, piano lilting gently beneath them. your mind flashed — a hidden balcony bathed in moonlight. two figures leaning shoulder to shoulder. his laugh quietly spilling into the night when you said something ridiculous. his hand brushing yours under the stone railing. the way he’d looked at you the first time you showed him your secret place and told him he was welcome there whenever he needed it. taerae had always been the person who pulled you still. now, he was the reason your world was spinning. 

your eyes drifted; you couldn’t stop them. across the swirl of gowns and coats and jewels, near a pillar shadowed just enough to offer half-hiding, stood taerae. he had a glass in his hand, untouched. his posture was straight but taut, like every muscle in his body was resisting the urge to move.

he was watching you again, like he always did.  the moment your eyes found his, his expression flickered. pain. want. helpless fury. something dangerously close to breaking.

for a heartbeat, just one, you forgot to move. matthew’s hand flexed gently at your waist to steady you, “careful now, angel, we don't want you tripping and falling.” 

the pet name was meant to sound lovely to your ears. it was supposed to make you blush and weak at the knees. but instead you couldn't help but fixate on how absolutely wrong it felt for matthew to call you that. your stomach churned with unease and you want nothing more than to be anywhere than your current position. 

“you know,” his voice broke the silence, forcing you to look at him again, “i’d be more than willing to be your anchor. i've grown quite fond of you in my time here and would love nothing more than to be a shoulder for you to lean on.”

another swirl.

another turn.

the chandelier above blurred into streaks of gold. you felt nauseous just thinking about it, but managed to put on a believable front, “you're so very sweet, matthew. thank you.” 

he pulled you a little closer to him upon your words, and you felt fear fill your very limbs. you were giving him the wrong impression. you shouldn't have been flirting with him, even if it wasn't intentional. he wasn't taerae. he could never be taerae. you wished you could take it back, wished that this conversation wasn't happening at all. 

you looked at him. really looked. he was kind. he was careful. he was gentle. he would not hurt you, not intentionally; you could already see the shape of that future — steady, safe, respectable. if you’d never met taerae, maybe you could have fallen for matthew in slow, inevitable fragments.

but you had met taerae.

he had sat beside you in a library and listened to the storms in your head until they quieted. he had defied his parents’ expectations and told you he would rather be alone than marry without love. he had laughed with you under the stars. he had held your hand in secret, like a promise he was afraid to say aloud. and nothing in the world would ever be simple again.

your chest ached as the song was drawing toward its close, the music softening into its last few measures. couples drew in a fraction closer, the entire room wrapped in a soft, expectant silence. matthew licked his lips, the smallest flick of his tongue across dry skin. his hand at your waist shifted a millimeter forward.

“y/n,” he murmured, subconsciously leaning in closer to you, your breaths mingling together. “may i…?”

he didn’t say the word — he didn’t have to. you knew. taerae, across the room with his eyes burning holes through the dance floor, knew. you felt the world constrict around you, like someone had tied a rope around your ribs.

there was a version of this moment where you leaned in, where you let your life be decided in one soft, political kiss. where you chose safety over the wild, impossible thing tearing its way through your chest. this wasn’t that version. your body reacted before your brain could. you stepped backward so quickly that your skirts flared.

“i’m sorry,” you breathed, the words tumbling over each other. “i can’t— i need— i’m so sorry.”

worry clouded matthew’s face instantly. “y/n—”

but you were already turning, already moving, the music washing around you as you pushed through the edges of the crowd. you caught a glimpse of your mother’s sharp frown, your father’s raised brow, your sister’s startled expression — and beyond them, the look on taerae’s face. like someone had driven a sword straight through his chest and twisted. you couldn’t stand it.

you fled out of the ballroom and into the corridor, your footsteps echoing in frantic rhythms against the marble. your skirts were too heavy, your breath too shallow, your heart too loud. you didn’t even think about where you were heading. your body knew. you reached one of the guest washrooms tucked behind the grand staircase and slipped inside, shutting the door behind you with a decisive click.

the music dulled into a distant thrum through the walls, like the heartbeat of some massive creature. you braced your hands on the marble basin, staring at your reflection. you looked wild — cheeks flushed, curls slipping from their pins, eyes bright with panic. “what are you doing?” you hissed to yourself under your breath. “what are you doing, you idiot?”

you squeezed your eyes shut and fought the burn behind them. you had been trained your entire life not to run. not to falter. not to show cracks, and yet here you were, gasping for air in a gilded bathroom while a future you hadn’t chosen tried to catch up to you outside.

a knock. sharp, urgent. you flinched. “occupied,” you called, hoping your voice sounded more controlled than it felt.

a pause, then, “y/n.”

you went absolutely still. you would have known his voice in a crowd of thousands. even muffled through the wood, it slid under your skin, familiar and dangerous all at once. “taerae,” you whispered, though he couldn’t hear you.

“please,” he said. “let me in.”

“this isn’t appropriate,” you managed.

a humorless sound — halfway between a laugh and a scoff — filtered through. “nothing about what i feel for you is appropriate and here we are.”

the words punched straight through your ribs as you stared at the door. it would be so easy to keep it closed, to tell him to go, to choose the path of least resistance.  but that path never had him on it. your fingers moved before your fear could stop them and you slid the latch and opened the door slowly. taerae stepped over the threshold, shutting it quietly behind him. for a moment, the two of you simply stood there, framed by rose-tinted candlelight and white marble, staring at each other like you’d collided with a dream and didn’t know if you’d wake.

his coat was a little rumpled, like he’d run a hand through his hair and grabbed at the lapels too many times. his tie sat slightly askew. his eyes were darker than you’d ever seen them, pupils blown wide, emotions swirling in their depths. “you left the ballroom,” he said, voice low.

“and you followed me,” you retorted.

a corner of his mouth twitched, but it wasn’t quite a smile. “i’ve been following you since the day i walked into this castle,” he replied quietly. “this is the first time you’ve run.”

a laugh burst from your chest; too sharp, too close to a sob. “i couldn’t stay,” you said, shaking your head. “i couldn’t stand there and let him—”

you cut yourself off and taerae’s jaw clenched. “let him what?” he asked. “touch you? hold you? kiss you?”

the last word landed like a stone dropped into a still pond. your hand curled against the fabric of your gown. “he was going to try. and he didn’t do anything wrong. he asked. he’s always so careful. and i… i panicked.”

“why?” taerae asked. “why did you panic?” his voice wasn’t accusing. it was raw. like the answer mattered more than anything.

“because it isn’t supposed to be him,” you whispered.

taerae closed his eyes briefly, as if the words hurt and healed him at the same time. when he opened them again, he looked wrecked. “you have no idea what it does to me, watching him with you,” he said.

“taerae—”

“no,” he said, taking a step toward you. “you have to know. because i can’t keep swallowing it down.”

he was close now. not touching you, but close enough that the scent of him — warm, clean, faintly spiced — curled into your lungs. “every time he looks at you like you’re something he can have,” taerae continued, voice rough, “it feels like someone is peeling my skin off. every time he takes your hand, every time you smile at him, every time our mothers talk about your future like it’s a story they wrote without you — i feel like i’m losing you in a hundred small, polite ways.”

your throat worked, trying and failing to form words. he pressed on, the dam inside him clearly broken now. “i told myself i could handle it. that if you were happy — or even if you weren’t — i’d survive it. that i’d be the dutiful son, stand at the edge of the crowd, and watch you marry someone else with a smile on my face.”

his voice cracked as he said his next words, “i was wrong. i can’t do it. i can’t watch them hand you to another man and pretend i don’t care, when every part of me wants to walk onto that ballroom floor and steal you away.”

“you think i don’t feel the same?” you said, the words spilling out hot and fast. “you think i don’t see you trying to disappear every time he’s near? you think i don’t notice you leaving the room the second our parents mention vespera, or the way you overcorrect every time our hands almost touch, like you’re punishing yourself for wanting it?”

his eyes shone with unshed tears as you finally spoke your feelings into existence for the first time in a long time.  “i noticed,” you continued, voice rising. “i noticed when you stopped meeting me on the balcony as often. when you stopped laughing as much. when you started looking at your book but never turned the page. i noticed. i always notice you.”

for a heartbeat, the room vibrated with all the unsaid things now hanging between you in the open. “then why,” he asked, “are you still going to marry him?”

there it was, the question that lay beneath everything. you felt like someone had reached into your chest and twisted. “because i don’t have a choice,” you said, each word scraped raw. “because my mother has already shaken hands and my father has already written promises. my life has never belonged to me, taerae. it’s belonged to avaloria since the moment i was born.”

“what about your heart?” he shot back. “does that belong to avaloria too?”

you blinked, tears blurring your vision. you didn’t answer because you didn’t need to. his shoulders sagged, a terrible, hopeful confusion tightening his features. “y/n,” he whispered, stepping closer, “look at me.”

you did. “where does your heart belong?” he asked. the world narrowed to his face. his eyes. the question vibrating between you. you could lie; you could say no, send him away, keep him safe. you could try to be the princess your mother wanted. or you could, for once, be the girl who had shown a boy a secret balcony and told him he could come there whenever he needed to breathe.

you took a shuddering breath. “you, taerae,,” your voice held a finality to it, your entire body trembling at the confession you finally let free. 

a sharp sound left him, almost like a laugh choked through a sob, “say it again,” he murmured. “please.”

“taerae—”

“i need to hear it,” he insisted, voice cracking. “after everything, after all of this, i need to hear you say it.”

you stared at the man who had read alongside you in silence, told you he refused to be a pawn in someone else’s game, listened when you said you felt like the castle was a cage. the man who knew you more than you could ever imagine.  you stepped into his space. your voice shook, but your words did not. “it should have been you,” you said. “it should have always been you. you are the one i think of when i can’t breathe. you are the one i look for in every room. you are the one i am falling in love with, even when i’m trying not to.”

his eyes closed. “again,” he said, almost hoarse.

you laughed through fresh tears. “you’re insufferable.”

“i know,” he whispered, a playful edge to his voice. “say it again.”

“i love you,” you said.

his eyes flew open and whatever thin tether had been holding him back snapped. he closed the remaining sliver of distance between you in one breath. “i love you,” he echoed, almost reverent. “i tried not to. god, i tried. but every time we were on that balcony, every time you looked at me like you could see straight through me and still didn’t turn away, every time you chose to share your world with me — you made it impossible.”

his hands cradled your face, thumbs brushing the tear tracks on your cheeks. you could feel him trembling. “if i kiss you,” he said, his voice a ragged thread, “there is no version of my life where i walk away from this unchanged.”

“then don’t walk away,” you whispered.

the smallest, most broken smile crept over his lips. “y/n,” he murmured, “if the gods are unkind enough to force me to watch you marry someone else, i will still remember this moment until the day i die.”

and then his mouth was on yours. the first touch of his lips felt like the entire world exhaling. it wasn’t soft, not at first. this kiss had been waiting in the wings of every almost-touch, every lingering gaze, every half-swallowed confession. it crashed into you with all the force of held back storms. you fisted your hands in the front of his coat, pulling him closer, needing him closer, terrified that if you loosened your grip even a fraction, he’d vanish. he kissed you like you were the only real thing left in a world made of performance and duty.

you opened beneath him, answered him, matched him, feeling something inside you finally click into place — something that had been off-kilter for weeks, months, maybe your entire life. after a long moment, he slowed. his hands softened on your skin, one sliding to the back of your neck, the other settling over your waist. his lips moved more gently now, reverent, lingering like he was memorizing the shape of you. you felt tears slip from your lashes even as you kissed him again and again.

when you finally broke apart, you were both breathing hard, foreheads pressed together, noses brushing. “we shouldn’t have done that,” you said.

“i know,” he replied.

“i’m not sorry,” you added.

“i was just about to say the same thing.”

you laughed, and it came out wet and dizzy and wildly happy in the middle of all the ruin. for a moment, the bathroom felt sacred. like the world had folded in on itself and left this one stolen pocket of air just for you and him.

then a knock. hurried. familiar. “y/n?” your sister’s voice filtered through the door, laced with worry. “are you in there?”

you and taerae jolted apart as if struck by lightning. he glanced at the side door — the one that led to a small attendant’s antechamber. “go,” you hissed. “please.”

he nodded, moving toward it quickly. at the threshold, he turned back. his eyes held a thousand promises he had no idea how to keep. “this isn’t the end,” he whispered. you nodded, because you had to believe it. “go,” you repeated, softer. he slipped through the side door and closed it silently behind him.

you took a deep breath, smoothed your gown, wiped at your lips and cheeks. you tried to will your heartbeat into something normal, but you failed. still, you crossed to the main door and opened it a crack. your sister stood there, breathless, eyes wide with concern.

“they said you ran out of the ballroom,” she panted. “matthew looked horrified, mother looked murderous, hanbin looked confused… are you—”

she stopped and really looked at you; your flushed cheeks. your mussed curls. the way your chest still rose too quickly and your eyes didn’t look like someone who’d just had a panic attack. they looked like someone who had just chosen something she was never meant to choose.

“oh,” she said quietly, realization dawning. “oh.”

you swallowed, gripping the edge of the door. “i can explain.”

“was it him?” she asked, voice almost a whisper. “taerae?”

you couldn’t force a lie past your lips, instead offering her a nod, not trusting your voice. her eyes softened — not with disgust or fury, but with a deep, aching sadness.

“then,” she murmured, slipping inside and closing the door behind her, “we need to talk. because if you’re going to let your world tilt like this, i’m not going to let you fall alone.”

you let go of the breath you’d been holding. the ball was still spinning somewhere beyond these walls. your engagement still existed. your duty still waited. your mother still planned. but in this little marble room, with your sister’s hands closing gently around yours and taerae’s kiss still burning on your lips, you realized you weren’t just falling.

you were choosing.

your sister closed the bathroom door softly behind her, shutting out the music, the laughter, the sweeping swirl of the ballroom. it felt like sealing yourselves inside a fragile bubble, one that would burst the moment either of you breathed too loudly. she turned to face you slowly, taking in the scene of you in front of her. at first her expression was unreadable as her gaze flickered over you for the second time, but it morphed into something you knew all too well, a kind of aching, quiet heartbreak that made your throat tighten and your heart skip a beat. 

your hands trembled where they clutched your skirts. the marble beneath your feet felt icy, the echo of taerae’s kiss lingered on your lips like a bruise you didn’t want to heal. your sister stepped closer to you, her eyes glossy with unshed tears, “y/n,” she mumbled softly, “look at me.”

you raised your eyes and looked straight at her. she inhaled sharply, not because of anger, but because of what she saw in your face. you were completely undone and shaking, glowing with the kind of devastation only love could make. “you're absolutely sure about this?” she asked, voice barely a whisper.

you nodded, still not trusting your voice enough to speak out loud quite yet. you expected her to pull away, scold you, tell you all of this was a bad idea. but she did, and instead, she lifted her hands and cupped your face, thumbs brushing beneath your eyes as if checking for tears.

“oh, y/n…” she breathed, “you poor thing.”

that nearly broke you. “i didn’t mean for this,” you whispered, voice delicate and fragile as porcelain, “i didn’t mean for any of it. i’ve been trying to be good. to be what they want. to be what i’m supposed to be.”

“i know,” she murmured.

“i tried not to fall for him.”

“i know,” she said again.

“but i did,” you choked on a sob, “i did, and now i don’t know how to stop.”

your sister pulled you into her arms fiercely, protectively, like she had when you were children hiding from thunderstorms under the covers. you sank into her embrace, pressing your face into her shoulder, letting her steady you. she held you while your breaths came too fast, too shaky. after a long minute, she pulled back, holding your shoulders as she studied your expression. “tell me everything,” she said. “every detail. every moment. don’t leave anything out.”

so you did. you recounted how this entire situation came to be, his quiet understanding of what you were dealing with, the way he indulged you in so many conversations about books and your childhoods. by the time you finished, your sister exhaled shakily and sat on the velvet-cushioned stool near the sink, pressing a hand to her forehead. “god,” she whispered. “you didn’t stand a chance.”

“i know it’s—”

she looked up sharply. “no, listen to me. taerae isn’t like the men we were raised around. he isn’t calculating. he isn’t cold. he isn’t trying to win power or please his parents. he’s…” she shook her head. “he’s all heart. it’s written all over him.”

“that’s what scares me,” you whispered.

“why?”

“because he’s willing to break rules for me. defy his parents. defy ours. and i’m…” you swallowed hard. “i’m terrified i’m not brave enough to choose him when it matters.”

your sister rose and walked back to you, gripping your hands tightly. “y/n,” she said, eyes burning with sincerity, “you are the bravest person i know.”

“i’m not—”

“you are,” she insisted. “you think bravery is loud? violent? dramatic? no. bravery is doing the wrong thing because it’s the right thing for your heart, even when the whole world tells you no.”

a fresh, hot tear raced down your cheek as her words sank into every inch of your being. for all your life, you'd never expected to find someone you cared for so much, and now here you were; on the brink of complete and utter devastation because you couldn't shield your heart better.  “you love him,” she continued. “and he… god, y/n, he looks at you like you hung the stars.”

you closed your eyes, chest twisting painfully. “what am i supposed to do?” you whispered. “mother will kill me if she finds out. father will drag me to vespera himself. matthew… matthew will be humiliated.”

your sister pondered for a moment before parting her lips to speak, “matthew is kind. he will survive this. he’s stronger than he looks.”

“and taerae?” you asked, voice barely audible.

her expression softened. “taerae will only break if you tell him there’s no hope.”

“but how can there be?” you whispered. “our kingdoms—”

“you and taerae will marry instead,” she said suddenly.

“what?”

“you heard me.” she straightened her shoulders. “my own marriage arrangement is the reason the everdawn family is here at all and to be quite honest, hanbin and i don't click as much as it seems. neither of us are happy, but it's clear you and taerae are. we can still get the alliance between nations if you two marry.”

“you would do that for me?” you fixated your bewildered gaze on her, almost stunned entirely into silence at her proposal. she was absolutely insane if she thought this plan was as simple as that. 

“y/n,” she stated, a sense of finality in her tone, “you have sacrificed yourself for me your entire life just to make sure i wasn't on the receiving end of mother's wrath. did you really think i wouldn’t burn the whole palace down if that’s what it took to keep you from being miserable?”

the tears came before you could stop them, “what if it all goes wrong?”

“then we fix it,” she replied, “together, not alone.”

you wiped at your eyes with the back of your hand as she brushed a loose curl from your cheek. “besides,” she added quietly, “i’ve always wondered what would happen if the wrong princess fell in love with the wrong prince.”

you laughed through your tears. “it sounds like a terrible story.”

“no,” she countered firmly. “it sounds like a good one. a brave one.”

a soft knock interrupted you both. your sister’s head snapped toward the door, “i swear, if that’s mother—”

but the knock was too tentative. too gentle. then a familiar voice spoke, “y/n? are you alright?”

matthew.  your blood ran cold, eyes widening in fear at what could happen. your sister gave your hands one final squeeze. “i’ll handle this first part,” she murmured.

before you could stop her, she moved toward the door and cracked it open just enough to speak through. “she’s fine, prince matthew,” your sister told him, her tone perfectly polite but firm. “she just needed air.”

“may i speak to her?” matthew asked. your sister glanced back at you. your heart hammered in your chest as you mouthed not yet.

she nodded once and turned back, “i’m afraid now isn’t the right moment,” she offered smoothly. “please give her time.”

there was a long pause, then matthew’s voice, quiet and resigned, “…of course. please tell her i hope she’s alright.”

“I will, please don't worry.”

she closed the door softly, latching the lock back into place with a soft click. your lungs finally remembered how to work as she turned back to you. “this is it, y/n, this is the moment you decide whether you’re brave.”

“i want him,” you whispered. “even if it’s wrong and not the original plan. i’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure i have him.” 

“then we’re choosing him,” she gave a firm nod as she said. 

“we?”.

“we,” she repeated. “you’re not doing this alone.”

your eyes filled with tears again as a knock sounded at the side door this time — the one taerae had slipped through. your sister raised a brow. “that’s him.” you felt your pulse in your fingertips as you confirmed her suspicions, a smile finally tugging at the corners of your mouth. 

“go,” she told you softly, a mischievous glint in her eye, “before someone else gets here.”

you hesitated, “what will you do?”

“i’ll stall and then i’ll find hanbin. just trust me on this, okay?”

you nodded — frightened, exhilarated, trembling. your sister gave you the smallest, fiercest smile, “go,” she urged again. “he’s waiting.”

you crossed the room, lifted the latch, and pulled open the side door. taerae stood on the other side, breathing hard like he’d been pacing the little antechamber for minutes. when he saw you, every line of him softened. “y/n,” he breathed, relief washing over his features almost instantly.  everything inside you tipped forward toward him, the danger that came with this new plan. toward the life you wanted but were never meant to have.

until now.

the corridors outside the side door were dim, lit only by wall sconces flickering with unsteady candlelight. the music of the ballroom got a little louder behind you as the latch clicked shut. taerae stood before you as though he’d been carved out of the breath you’d lost. his chest rose and fell too fast. his tie was crooked from running. a stray lock of hair had broken free over his forehead. and his eyes looked like they’d been waiting centuries just to see your face again. “i thought you were gone,” he breathed, hands hovering at your waist like he didn’t know if he was allowed to touch you anymore. “i thought after what happened that you would disappear or… or regret it or—”

“taerae,” you interrupted. 

that single word broke something in him. his hands cupped your face, trembling, thumbs brushing the corners of your mouth as if trying to convince himself you were real. “tell me i didn’t ruin everything.”

you grabbed his wrists, pressing your cheek into his palm. “you didn’t ruin anything.”

“i kissed you,” he said, voice cracking, “at a ball… while you’re engaged… to someone else. and not just anyone—”

“taerae—”

“—a prince from another nation.” he huffed a humorless laugh. “my parents are going to murder me. your parents are going to kill you. and vespera will—”

“taerae.”

this time your tone shut him up. he swallowed hard as you took a shaky breath. “i don’t regret it. not a single second.”

his eyes searched yours; fearful, hoping, disbelieving. “you mean that?”

“yes.”

something inside him shattered so quietly you felt it instead of hearing it. he leaned his forehead against yours, breathing you in like air after drowning. “i shouldn’t want to hold you again,” he whispered, “but i do. i do. i can’t stop.”

your fingers slid into his hair at the nape of his neck, drawing him in impossibly closer to you, “then don’t.”

that was all it took.

his mouth found yours again, slower than the kiss in the ballroom, but deeper, almost reverent. the kind of kiss that said everything he hadn’t dared speak aloud. i waited for you. i want you. i choose you. even if it destroys me.

your hands switched positions to clutch at the back of his jacket, pulling him closer. his arms wrapped fully around your waist as though anchoring himself. the world narrowed to breath and warmth and the knowledge that if someone rounded the corner, everything would end, and neither of you cared.

when you finally broke apart, gasping softly, taerae pressed a shaking kiss to your forehead, “tell me there’s some universe where we get to stay like this,” he murmured.

your throat burned with hopeful anticipation from your sister's words, “i think there might be. my sister suggested something absolutely, completely insane, but if we can manage to get through to our parents, it could work.” 

taerae’s brows shot up, “she knows?”

you nodded. he exhaled deeply, running a hand down his face. “that’s… that’s dangerous.”

“i trust her.”

he grabbed your hands again, squeezing tight. “i trust her too. but y/n… this is bigger than us. avaloria, vespera, everdawn—these kingdoms don’t care if you and i—”

his voice cracked again, breaking your heart in half.

“i care,” you whispered fiercely, “and so does my sister. i know hanbin will too when he learns of what's happening. please just trust me, okay?” 

he stared at you like the words stunned him. before either of you could say anything else, hurried footsteps echoed off the polished floors down the corridor. taerae instinctively pulled you behind him, as if his body could shield you from scandal itself.

you grabbed his arm. “taerae, wait.”

the figure rounded the corner. matthew. his eyes widened when he saw the two of you and for a long, suffocating heartbeat, the world froze. matthew’s breath left him in one sharp exhale as he took in the sight of taerae keeping you behind him protectively, your lips flushed and swollen, your eyes red from crying and kissing and breaking all at once.

understanding hit him like a blade, and instead of getting angry, matthew’s expression folded slowly inward, as if he’d been hollowed out, “y/n…” he said softly. “it’s true, then.”

your heart sank, “matthew, i—”

he shook his head, lifting a hand—not to silence you, but to stop himself from falling apart. “you don’t need to explain. i saw everything in your face before you even opened your mouth.”

taerae shifted uncomfortably, jaw tight, guilt flickering across his features. “prince matthew—”

“no,” matthew urged gently. “please. just… don’t pretend you’re not in love with her. i don’t think either of us has the strength for that lie.”

your breath trembled and taerae lowered his gaze. he didn’t deny it. matthew turned his attention back to you—eyes warm, wounded, but impossibly kind, “i want you to be happy,” he said quietly. “i wanted that happiness to be with me, but i’m not blind.”

your throat tightened painfully at his words, “you look at him,” matthew continued, voice breaking, “like he’s the first breath you’ve taken after being held underwater.”

a tear slipped down your cheek. matthew stepped closer—not toward taerae, but toward you—reaching out slowly, giving you every opportunity to pull away, but you didn’t. his fingers brushed a tear from your face with the gentleness of a man who wished he’d been the one to cause your joy, not your sorrow.

“i won’t trap someone whose heart is already given away,” he whispered, “but y/n,” matthew added, withdrawing his hand, his expression turning grave, “this will not be easy. your mother will fight. your court will talk. vespera will be offended. and everdawn—” he glanced at taerae “—may not take kindly to their prince choosing diplomacy’s disaster.”

taerae straightened. “i’ll face whatever consequences i must.”

matthew gave a pained, bittersweet smile. “i believe you.”

his eyes softened when they returned to you. “you owe me nothing—not an apology, not a justification. but i’d like one promise, if you can give it.”

your voice wavered. “anything.”

“be brave,” he stated, “for both of you.”

and then, as if his heart couldn’t bear to linger any longer, matthew bowed his head once, turned, and walked away down the corridor, his footsteps fading like something final. you stood frozen, breath barely pushing out of your lungs. taerae stepped closer, fingers brushing your knuckles. “y/n?”

your lips parted on a quiet, broken exhale. “he’s going to suffer for something he didn’t do.”

taerae wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. “i’ll suffer worse if i lose you.”

you closed your eyes, relishing in the warmth of him that you missed so much, “then we have to be brave.”

he rested his forehead against yours. “together.”

“together,” you echoed.

for the first time, the word didn’t feel like a dream. it felt like a beginning.

the corridor felt narrower somehow, as if the walls had shifted closer in the minutes since you’d slipped out of the ballroom. the music was still spilling faintly under the doors behind you—violins singing, guests laughing, the muffled thrum of a life you were supposed to be part of—but out here, everything felt muted. distant. unreal.

taerae was right in front of you, so close his warmth still lingered on your skin, the ghost of his hands on your face and waist making it hard to remember how to breathe properly. your lips still tingled, your pulse still raced, and the words you’d finally said—i love you—echoed so loudly in the back of your mind that you barely registered the sound of footsteps approaching until it was too late.

your fingers were still caught in the front of his jacket and you dropped them at the same time he stepped back, both of you reacting with the panicked instinct of people who knew what you’d just done could bring a kingdom to its knees.

your mother rounded the corner first. she moved like a storm drawn into human shape—gown of deep plum sweeping the floor, jewels glittering at her throat, expression sharp enough to cut. behind her came your father, his jaw set in a way that meant his mind was already racing ahead to consequences, calculations, damage control. just a step behind them were the king and queen of everdawn, their posture regal and restrained, eyes too perceptive for your comfort. and just beyond them, as if they’d tried and failed not to follow: your sister and hanbin.

you felt rather than saw taerae go tense beside you, his shoulders squaring in a way that told you he’d already made a decision—he would stand in front of you if he had to. your mother’s gaze swept over the scene with surgical precision. her eyes flicked from your face, flushed and a little wild, to taerae’s, then down to the slight disarray of your gown and hair, the fact that you and taerae were standing far too close for propriety in a shadowed hallway just off the ballroom where your fiancé was likely still waiting for you.

her voice, when it came, was quiet. that was how you knew it was bad. “what,” she said, every syllable dipped in frost, “is the meaning of this.”

the words didn’t so much echo as settle, heavy and suffocating, into the silence between all of you. for a moment, nobody spoke. your heart thundered against your ribs. you were acutely aware of taerae standing just a fraction in front of you, as though instinctively shifting to take the brunt of whatever was about to hit. your father’s expression was grave, a mix of disappointment and weary fury. the queen of everdawn’s fingers curled into the fabric at her sides. the king’s eyes narrowed, assessing, already searching for the strategic shape of this disaster. hanbin looked stricken. your sister looked afraid for you.

your mother took a step forward, the soft rustle of fabric loud in the stillness. “y/n,” she said, “explain yourself.”

you swallowed, your throat dry. “i…”

taerae’s voice cut quietly through yours. “this is my fault.”

you turned your head toward him in surprise. your mother’s eyes sharpened, latching onto his admission like a hawk spotting prey.

“how noble,” she replied, her tone twisting around the word. “but i asked my daughter.”

you could feel taerae’s frustration beside you, the way his hands flexed at his sides. before you could stop him, he spoke again anyway, “your majesty, if anyone is to be blamed—”

“taerae.” the queen of everdawn’s voice was soft but edged with steel. he fell silent immediately, his jaw clenched.

your mother’s gaze returned to you. up close, you could see the anger there wasn’t simple fury—it was fear too, and something like betrayal. “you left the ballroom,” she said in that same low, dangerous tone. “you walked out on your fiancé, on the guests, on the alliance we have worked months to secure, and instead of composing yourself and returning, you are found here. with him.”

she didn’t say his name. she didn’t need to. you breathed in, forcing air into your lungs. “i needed air,” you said quietly. “i felt overwhelmed.”

“and the prince of everdawn,” she replied coldly, “just happened to stumble into the same deserted corridor to assist you in breathing?”

taerae’s father spoke for the first time. “is there something we should know, taerae?”

taerae’s eyes flickered briefly, almost imperceptibly, to you. the look was quick, but loaded, and your heart stuttered painfully because you knew what he was about to do. it was written across every line of his face. “yes,” he said, voice steady in a way that made your stomach twist. “there is.”

your breath caught. the queen of everdawn’s shoulders stiffened. “choose your next words very carefully.”

he didn’t look at her. he looked at you. “i followed her,” he said, each word deliberate. “because i saw her leave and she looked distraught. i wanted to make sure she was alright. that she wasn’t alone. i didn’t want anything to happen to her in the corridors.”

“so you admit you went after her intentionally,” your father said, his tone deceptively calm.

“yes.”

“and while you were alone,” your mother pressed, her eyes narrowing, “what transpired?”

you felt heat rise beneath your skin, equal parts shame and indignation. taerae inhaled slowly, and you could see the war being waged behind his eyes—the part of him that wanted to protect you, and the part that refused to lie. “we talked,” he said.

your mother’s lips pressed into a tight line. she took another step forward. “do not insult my intelligence, taerae. you have been circling each other for weeks. you think i haven’t noticed? the glances? the absences? you two disappearing at the same time?” her focus dropped to your lips, then back to his face. “did you touch her?”

the silence that followed that question was unbearable. taerae’s jaw flexed. your cheeks burned. you could hear your sister’s sharp inhale, feel hanbin stiffen. the king of everdawn’s eyes sharpened further.

“mother,” your sister began softly, “this isn’t—”

“did you touch her?” your mother repeated, not looking away from taerae.

“yes,” he said.

the word seemed to slice through the air. your mother’s composure cracked. “you—”

“he didn’t do anything i didn’t want,” you cut in, the words bursting out of you before you could stop them. every head snapped toward you. you forced yourself not to flinch. “if you’re going to condemn anyone, condemn us both.”

your father’s expression hardened, “y/n, you are engaged to another man. a prince who has done nothing but treat you with respect since he set foot in this castle, and yet you run from him to be alone with everdawn’s second son—”

“do not speak about him like he’s nothing,” you snapped, your voice finally breaking its careful restraint. “he is not just ‘everdawn’s second son.’”

“then what is he?” your mother demanded. “because to me, from where i am standing, he looks like a very foolish boy who has put you, himself, and three kingdoms at risk.”

taerae’s mother flinched slightly at that, her hand curling into a fist at her side. your heart pounded so hard you felt faint. you knew you could choose silence. you could let taerae take all the blame, pretend you were swept up, pretend you didn’t encourage this, didn’t want it, didn’t crave him like air.

or you could finally stop pretending anything at all.

“he’s the man i love,” you whispered.

you weren’t sure anyone heard you at first, your voice was so soft. but the way the room seemed to rearrange itself in the wake of your admission told you they did. your mother’s eyes went wide, the blood draining from her face. your father stared at you as if he’d never seen you before. the queen of everdawn inhaled sharply; the king’s mouth tightened. hanbin closed his eyes for a brief second, something like sorrow and sympathy passing over his features. your sister, however, only looked at you with a kind of aching pride, like she’d been praying you’d say it.

“what?” your mother breathed, as if she needed you to repeat it so she could believe it.

you swallowed, your pulse roaring in your ears, “i love him.”

taerae let out the quietest sound—something choked and stunned and reverent. for a heartbeat, all of the fear and anger and strategy in the air seemed to thin, like the truth had cut a clean line through all of it. your father was the first to find his voice. “this is not a conversation for a corridor,” he said, his tone rougher now, betraying the strain beneath it. “we will not continue this where any wandering servant can overhear.”

the queen of everdawn lifted her chin, regaining her composure. “i agree. this is serious. it involves all of us.”

“drawing room,” your mother said shortly. “now.”

she turned before anyone could respond, her skirts snapping behind her like the tail end of a storm. your father followed, then the king and queen of everdawn, their expressions tight and unreadable. your sister lingered a moment, squeezing your hand as she passed. hanbin met taerae’s eyes just once, something unspoken flickering in his gaze, before they, too, moved toward the heavy double doors at the end of the hallway.

taerae exhaled slowly next to you. “still want to be brave?” he asked quietly.

you glanced at him, your chest aching and steadied all at once. “i don’t think we have a choice anymore.”

he gave you a small, rueful smile. “then let’s be brave.”

you walked shoulder to shoulder down the corridor, the noise of the ballroom fading behind you, the future rushing toward you whether you were ready or not.

—

the drawing room had never felt so claustrophobic. usually, it was one of your favorite spaces—softly lit, with tall shelves lined in leather-bound books and windows draped in light fabric that let in the afternoon sun. tonight, the curtains were mostly closed, the lamps turned low, casting long shadows along the patterned rug and across the carved mantelpiece above the fireplace. the scent of wax and faint smoke lingered in the air.

your parents stood near the hearth, your mother rigid, your father somber. opposite them, the king and queen of everdawn had taken positions near the long table in the center of the room, fingers resting lightly on the polished wood as if they needed something solid to hold. your sister and hanbin stayed near the door, not quite part of the inner circle, but not outside it either.

you and taerae stepped in last.

your mother pointed at two chairs placed side by side across from them. “sit.”

the command brooked no argument. you sank into the nearest chair, your skirts whispering across the floor. taerae lowered himself into the seat next to you, his shoulder close enough that you could feel the faint heat radiating from his body. beneath the table, your hand trembled against your lap until you felt a warm, hesitant brush of fingers. he didn’t take your hand fully, just let his knuckles bump against yours. a small, wordless i’m here if you want me.

you curled your fingers around his without looking down. your father inhaled, the sound heavy. “we will speak plainly,” he said. “no embellishments. no deflections. what we discuss in this room will impact three nations, not just your hearts.”

the weight of that settled over you like an anchor. taerae shifted slightly, straightening in his seat.

“taerae,” the king of everdawn said, his voice quiet but edged, “do you confirm what was said in the corridor? that you have developed… feelings for princess y/n.”

taerae didn’t hesitate. “yes.”

“and you,” the queen added, her gaze shifting to you, “confirm that you… reciprocate.”

the word seemed to hurt her mouth. you met her eyes anyway. “yes.”

your mother looked like she might be sick. “do either of you have any idea what you have done?” she demanded, her voice finally fraying around the edges. “this is not some childish flirtation. this is a betrayal of trust. of arrangement. of duty.”

“betrayal?” you repeated, the word stinging. “i’m sorry, is it betrayal to feel? to fall in love without asking your permission first?”

“yes,” she snapped. “when your life is not just your own, when your choices bind tens of thousands of lives, then yes, you do not get to fall in love carelessly.”

“it wasn’t careless,” you said, heat pricking the backs of your eyes. “none of this was careless. it just… happened. he listened to me. he saw me. you never once asked what this engagement would do to me. what vespera would mean. you just decided.”

your father’s eyes hardened. “we decided what was best for avaloria.”

“and if what’s best for avaloria crushes me?” you asked quietly. “if it crushes him?”

taerae’s hand tightened around yours almost imperceptibly. the queen of everdawn watched the two of you carefully, her expression complex. “taerae,” she said slowly, “you have refused every match we’ve brought to you. you’ve always insisted you wouldn’t marry for anything other than love. do you understand that, by attaching yourself to another kingdom’s princess, you are not just defying us—you are inserting yourself into the web of their politics as well?”

“yes,” he said, voice softer now. “i’ve thought about nothing else for weeks.”

“and still,” his father asked, his tone more wounded than angry, “you could not keep your distance?”

taerae’s next words were quiet, but they settled into the room like a stone at the bottom of a lake. “i tried,” he said. “we both did. every night we told ourselves we shouldn’t meet again and every night we ended up there anyway. i’m not proud of what that means for our duty… but i won’t pretend it isn’t real.”

your sister spoke up then, taking a tentative step forward, “it is real.”

your mother shot her a look. “you will stay out of this.”

“no,” she said, and her voice was stronger than you’d ever heard it when standing up to your parents. “i won’t. not this time.” she came to stand slightly behind your chair, a steady presence at your back. “y/n has spent her entire life softening blows for me—taking the brunt of your expectations so i could breathe. if she has finally found something that makes her feel free, how can you be so eager to strip it from her?”

your mother’s eyes flashed with something like hurt. “this isn’t about stripping—”

“isn’t it?” your sister asked, gentle but relentless. “you arranged my engagement. then hers. i accepted because i didn’t think there was another choice. but there is a difference between compromise and complete self-erasure. look at them.”

you followed her gaze, feeling your cheeks burn under the scrutiny. taerae’s thumb traced a nervous, absent-minded pattern against your knuckles under the table.

“i’ve never seen y/n’s eyes look like this,” your sister continued softly. “not in all the years we’ve been paraded through courts and councils. only with him.”

hanbin cleared his throat, drawing attention to himself. he looked at you, then at taerae, then at your sister, something resigned but resolute in his expression. “they’re not asking for less duty,” he said. “they’re asking for a different shape of it.”

the queen of everdawn frowned. “and what shape would you suggest, hanbin?”

he hesitated for only a heartbeat, then took a quiet breath, “we have been so focused on the specific pairings that we’ve forgotten there’s more than one way for these alliances to stand.”

your father’s eyes narrowed, “speak plainly.”

hanbin glanced at your sister, and in that look, you saw something you hadn’t allowed yourself to name before: softness. understanding. a gentle camaraderie that had been slowly, stubbornly growing between them all this time. “the original intention was to bind avaloria and everdawn through my marriage to your eldest daughter,” he said. “and to extend avaloria’s reach through vespera with y/n’s engagement to prince matthew. those are the goals, yes? stability, trade, security.”

“among other things,” your father replied cautiously.

“then why is the configuration fixed?” hanbin asked. “everdawn does not require that i marry your eldest specifically. avaloria does not require that vespera’s prince be wed to y/n specifically. what matters is the strengthening of ties—not the exact path of the knot.”

your mother’s eyes flashed. “you are suggesting we rearrange our daughters like chess pieces.”

your sister let out a small, disbelieving huff. “is that not what you’ve been doing all along? at least this way, some of the pieces might actually end up where they want to be.”

the room exhaled a shaky breath of silence. taerae shifted closer to you; you could feel him listening as intently as you were, every muscle taut. his mother watched hanbin with a new kind of interest now, the king’s brows drawn together as he turned the idea over behind his gaze.

“and what exactly would you propose?” the everdawn queen asked finally.

hanbin’s jaw worked for a moment as he gathered the courage to speak the next words aloud. “that taerae and y/n be allowed to marry,” he said, “and that whatever bond with vespera is needed be met through another arrangement—perhaps with your eldest, or with someone else in the extended family lines. vespera has multiple heirs. everdawn has more than one eligible royal. avaloria has two daughters, not one.”

you felt your sister go still behind you. your father’s face was unreadable now, his mind clearly racing. “you would willingly relinquish your engagement?” he asked hanbin.

hanbin’s eyes flicked once more toward your sister—a look full of apologies and quiet honesty. “if it meant she and i weren’t both locked into something that doesn’t fit us,” he said. “yes.”

your sister swallowed audibly. you twisted slightly to look up at her. there was pain in her expression, but also something like relief. like the most honest thing she’d heard in months was that she was allowed to want more than tolerable.

“this is madness,” your mother whispered, pressing a hand to her temple. “do you hear yourselves? breaking engagements, rearranging alliances, all because two children couldn’t keep their hearts to themselves.”

“they’re not children,” your father said quietly.

she turned to him, startled. he was staring at you and taerae, something ancient and tired in his eyes. “not anymore,” he added. “what’s done is done. we can’t unmake their feelings by scolding them into submission.”

“so you would reward disobedience?” she demanded. “reward recklessness?”

“this wouldn’t be a reward,” taerae said suddenly, his voice low but firm. “this would be an attempt to avoid years of quiet misery. we are not asking you to tear down everything you’ve built. we are asking you to shift it so that it doesn’t crush us.”

the queen of everdawn watched her son with an expression you couldn’t quite read—anger, yes, but threaded through with something like astonishment. “taerae,” she murmured, “do you understand the risk you’re asking us to take? if vespera feels slighted, if they see this as an insult, there could be repercussions. trade could falter. trust could erode.”

“vespera’s prince is not a fool,” taerae replied gently. “he came to avaloria with his eyes open. he has seen the way y/n looks over her shoulder, the way she holds herself like she’s waiting for the ground to disappear beneath her. if he truly is as kind as everyone says, then he will not want a wife forced to stand beside him while her heart lives elsewhere.”

guilt twisted hard in your chest at the mention of matthew, but taerae wasn’t finished. “if this is handled carefully,” he continued, “if we approach vespera with honesty instead of deceit, there is a chance they might be willing to adjust terms rather than break them outright. a different match. a broader alliance. you all taught us, did you not, that diplomacy is about flexibility as much as strength.”

the king of everdawn’s mouth twitched, almost like he hadn’t expected his son to throw his own lessons back at him. your father stood very still, staring at the rug as though he could find the answer woven somewhere in its intricate patterns. your mother’s breathing was shallow, her fingers clenched so tightly around each other that her knuckles had gone white.

“and if vespera refuses?” she asked, voice thinner now. “if they take this as an insult? we could lose them entirely.”

“or,” your sister said softly, “we could lose us.”

everyone’s eyes slid to her. she drew in a shaky breath but did not back down. “you wanted us to marry for the good of avaloria,” she said. “i understand that. i’m willing to carry that burden. but watching y/n… watching what this has been doing to her, knowing how much she gave up already just to stay afloat under your expectations—i cannot stand by and watch you demand she sacrifice the last piece of herself that is still hers.”

her voice wavered, just once. “i won’t.”

you felt tears prick your eyes as your hand tightened around taerae’s. he mirrored the pressure, grounding you.

“and you, hanbin?” the queen asked, her voice gentler when she addressed her elder son. “what do you truly want?”

he took a long moment before answering. “i want to serve everdawn well,” he said. “i want to see avaloria stable. i want our people safe. but i also…” he glanced toward your sister again, and a small, rueful smile touched the corner of his mouth. “i want us all to be able to look at the lives we end up with and not feel like we watched someone else live them for us.”

the room seemed to breathe with him. your parents exchanged a long look—one of those silent conversations you’d spent your childhood trying and failing to decode. the king and queen of everdawn did the same. the fireplaces crackled quietly, the only other sound in the room.

finally, your father sat down, as though his legs could no longer quite bear the weight. “we cannot decide something like this in one night,” he said, his voice rough. “we need time. we need to consider the ramifications, speak with vespera, tread carefully.”

your mother stared at him. “you’re entertaining this,” she said quietly, incredulity lacing the words.

“i am not endorsing it,” he replied. “i am acknowledging that the situation has changed. we cannot pretend we did not hear what we just heard.”

he looked at you then, really looked at you, and for the first time you saw not just a king studying a piece on his board, but a father studying a daughter he didn’t know as well as he thought. “you love him,” he said, as if testing how it felt to say it aloud.

your throat tightened. “yes.”

his gaze shifted to taerae. “and you are willing to face whatever comes of this? even if vespera is furious, even if everdawn demands you accept consequences, even if we cannot arrange the outcome you hope for?”

taerae’s answer held no hesitation. “yes, your majesty.”

your father looked tired. older than he had that morning. he pressed his fingers to his temple. “then we will not tear you apart tonight,” he said. “but you will not meet in secret again. if we are to pursue any possibility of rearrangement, we must do so without pretending nothing is happening.”

your stomach dropped at the thought of losing the balcony, but taerae’s hand gave yours a small, reassuring squeeze. it would be different now. nothing about this would ever be secret again. “we will speak with vespera’s delegation in the coming days,” the king of everdawn added. “discreetly. we will gauge their openness to… alternatives. no promises.”

his eyes softened, just a fraction, when they landed on his son. “but no lies either.”

your mother said nothing for a long moment, just stared at you. her mouth trembled once, almost imperceptibly, before she masked it, “you have put us in an impossible position, y/n.”

“i know,” you whispered. “i’m sorry.”

“sorry doesn’t change anything,” she murmured, but her voice had lost some of its edge. it sounded, for the first time, almost tired. “go back to your rooms. all of you. we will deal with the rest tomorrow.”

the words felt like an armistice—not peace, but a pause in the war.

you rose from your chair on unsteady legs. your fingers slipped reluctantly from taerae’s, but the warmth of his touch lingered. your sister was at your side in an instant, her hand finding the crook of your elbow.

taerae stepped back toward his parents. his mother touched his shoulder briefly, something unspoken passing through her eyes. his father did not speak, but he didn’t turn away either.

as you reached the door, you looked back over your shoulder. taerae was watching you, his expression caught between fear and hope. you offered him a small, fragile smile, and in that moment, despite everything, you felt a thin, stubborn thread of certainty winding through your chest.

this wasn’t over. you had cracked something open that couldn’t be resealed, not without breaking all of you in the process. you stepped out into the corridor, the echoes of the ballroom returning from down the hall—the music, the laughter, the illusion of stability. the door to the drawing room shut softly behind you, closing on a room full of parents and kings and queens forced, at last, to decide whether they were willing to reshape the world their children were born into.

your sister squeezed your arm. “whatever they decide,” she murmured, “you weren’t a coward tonight.”

you swallowed hard, emotion tightening your throat. “i’ve never been so terrified in my life,” you admitted.

“that’s usually when courage counts the most,” she answered.

you walked toward the grand staircase, the muffled sounds of the ball rising and falling below. the night felt different now—not just like the aftermath of something broken, but the beginning of something remade.

behind you, in a dim room filled with weary royalty, the idea of a different future had been spoken aloud for the first time. and somewhere, you knew, taerae was standing on the other side of that door with his back pressed to the wood, breathing as hard as you were, whispering the same word into the dark that you clung to now.

together.

the morning of your wedding arrived with a quiet kind of wonder, the sort of hush that made the world feel newly awakened. avaloria looked softer beneath the pale sweep of dawn, the castle stones warmed in a gentle gold that seemed to seep into every corner of the kingdom. no

the air drifting through your open balcony doors carried the scent of jasmine and fresh lakewater, and for several still moments you simply stood there, barefoot and wrapped in a thin robe, trying to breathe in the weight of it all. today, the life you had fought for would finally become your own.

your sister helped you dress, her hands moving carefully along the laces of your gown, her breath unsteady when she stepped back to take you in. she smoothed the silk along your waist before whispering, “you look like someone the world would fight wars over,” and her voice wavered just enough to make your chest tighten.

when she placed the final pearl pin into your hair, she leaned down, pressing her forehead briefly to your temple. “go,” she murmured, soft and sure. “you deserve this more than anyone i’ve ever known.”

the orchestra’s first notes drifted into the corridor as you descended the stairs, each step carrying you closer to the courtyard where guests had already risen to their feet. the sunlight poured through the archway in ribbons, catching on the beadwork of your gown in glittering flashes. the aisle was lined with wildflowers in shades of ivory and soft blush, their petals stirring gently with the summer breeze as though bowing you forward.

but your breath caught the moment you saw him.

taerae stood beneath the floral arch at the far end of the aisle, and even from a distance you could see the way his eyes widened as he took you in. he looked devastatingly handsome in white and silver—the crest of everdawn gleaming against his shoulder—but it was his expression that made everything inside you unravel. he looked undone, reverent, almost disbelieving. as though he was terrified you might vanish if he blinked.

you reached him with your pulse fluttering wildly, and he exhaled a trembling breath that made his voice break. “i swear,” he whispered, eyes tracing every inch of your face, “you’ve never looked more beautiful.”

you felt your lips curve helplessly. “you’re staring,” you teased softly, and he let out the smallest laugh, the kind that came from someplace deep and tender.

“i’ve been staring at you for months,” he murmured back. “you’re only just noticing now?”

the ceremony unfolded in a warm blur around you. you heard the officiant’s voice as if from underwater, steady and distant, while taerae’s hand shook gently in yours. when he tried to slide the ring onto your finger and fumbled, he whispered, almost in embarrassment, “sorry—my hands… i can’t stop shaking.”

you squeezed his fingers, grounding him. “i’m shaking too,” you said, your voice just loud enough for him to hear. “you don’t have to be nervous. it’s only me.”

his eyes softened, his breath catching. “that’s exactly why i am.”

when it was your turn to speak, your vow slipped from your lips with a tremble you didn’t bother hiding. “i choose you,” you whispered, your voice barely steady. “in every life i could have lived, in every life i’ll never see—I would still choose you.”

taerae closed his eyes then, as if holding those words so close they burned.

the officiant hadn’t even finished giving permission before taerae’s hand found your cheek and he pulled you into a kiss that felt like the culmination of every quiet, desperate moment you’d ever shared. it was soft at first, reverent, like he was afraid you might shatter beneath his touch. then the guests erupted into applause, and he kissed you again—deeper, warmer, shivering with the kind of joy that once felt impossible.

when you pulled away to breathe, the courtyard glowed beneath a brilliant sweep of sunlight, warm and bright and impossibly gentle. your sister was crying openly, hanbin holding her shoulders steady; the queen of everdawn pressed trembling fingers to her lips; even your mother watched with an expression caught somewhere between awe and surrender.

taerae leaned his forehead against yours, his breath still uneven as he whispered, “after everything… we’re here.”

you looked up at him, the world blurring at the edges with tears you didn’t bother wiping away. “we made it,” you said softly. “taerae… we really made it.”

he took your hand then—carefully, reverently—and lifted it to his lips, brushing a slow kiss against your skin as if savoring the final confirmation that you were finally his, and he yours. as the orchestra swelled and the sunlight broke fully over the courtyard, warmth bathing your joined hands, you realized something with absolute clarity—the thing you had been afraid to believe, even after all the battles that brought you here.

this wasn’t just the beginning of your marriage. this was the moment the world learned that you were done living a life someone else wrote for you.

you'd grown up with your best friend your whole life. ever since the two of you met early on in first grade, you were absolutely inseparable. wherever one of you was, the other was sure to be around too. that's how it always had been. you spent more time at each other’s houses than your own, and as a result, you spent a lot of time with each other's siblings.

which wouldn't have been a problem if your best friend’s brother wasn't someone you found extremely attractive.

kim gyuvin was someone you always loved to be around when you were younger. he was funny, sweet, and one of the most caring people you had ever met in your life. he was so easy to be around and talk to, but you didn't see much of him due to his schedule with sports and clubs during middle and high school. and you definitely didn't see much of him after you all had started college, but when you did, it always drove you a little bit insane because he'd grown very well into his face and proportions.

it was honestly unfair.

you'd grown a smidge of a crush on him just from the time you spent with him growing up, but it got worse as you got older. his jokes became a little more flirtatious and you found yourself staring at him when he was occupied with other things, completely unaware he had captured your gaze at all — that's exactly how you wanted it, anyway.

you knew he wasn't exactly off limits, but your best friend had made it clear she could never picture you and gyuvin together; and maybe she was right. which is why you decided to keep your attraction to him as your own dirty little secret. what would you even say to her, anyway? you knew you'd feel awkward if she dawdled on about how she found one of your brothers hot, so you weren't going to put her through the same kind of torture. that was a boundary you could never dream of crossing. but it didn't stop you from constantly thinking about him or the things he did and said around you.

which is exactly why the moment she left the house to go to work for the day, you found yourself under the covers of the bed in the spare room with a hand between your legs, fingers swirling around your clit as you thought about the encounter you'd had with gyuvin earlier in the morning.

you shuffled down the stairs, eyes squinted ever so slightly as the morning sun beamed through the kitchen windows, illuminating everything in a warm glow. you couldn't sleep and decided to get a glass of water in hopes that maybe that would help. you opened the cupboard, reaching up to get a glass from a shelf a little higher than you could reach, your oversized t-shirt riding up your thighs dangerously high as you stretched your arm up, desperate to get a grip on the cup.

“you’re up awfully early.”

his voice startled you so much that your knees nearly buckled beneath you, a yelp of surprise slipping past your lips. you felt the warmth of his palm pressing into the small of your back to steady you, and when you looked up, you were greeted with a playful grin and something unreadable dancing in his dark irises. you swatted at his chest, “you scared the shit out of me.”

“my bad,” he chuckled, “just couldn't help but notice you were up before my sister had to leave for work. i never see you out here at this hour.”

“couldn't sleep,” you mumbled.

he simply hummed, reaching up to snag the cup you'd been attempting to reach before. you'd taken that fleeting moment to catch a glimpse of him, nearly drooling at the sight before you. his gray sweatpants hung perfectly on his hips, black tank top hugging his torso in a way that could've driven you completely insane, his toned arms on full display, but you didn't have time before you were snapped out of your trance, the cup held out in front of him, waiting for you to take it.

you hoped he couldn't see the blush creeping up your neck and onto your face, “thanks.”

“no problem,” he replied, seemingly unbothered, and you could feel your shoulders sag in relief that he hadn't seemed to notice your burning stare or complete embarrassment at the thought of getting caught.

he simply bid you a farewell and his footsteps ascending the stairs, the muffled sound of his door closing able to be heard. you subconsciously gripped the edge of the counter, your knuckles just barely growing white at the force, your mind reeling. an outfit so simple shouldn't have made you press your thighs together, but here you were. you shook your head, filling the glass with water and heading back to the room you were staying in, closing the door behind you.

“fuck,” you breathed out, picking up the pace of your fingers just enough to get a delicious amount of friction. you dipped your middle finger down to your dripping slit, feeling your wetness coat your skin almost instantly.

surely this wasn't normal thinking about someone in such a filthy way over something so mundane, but you couldn't find it in you to care. not when you were in pure heaven, fingers now pumping in and out of your aching core, wishing they were gyuvin’s instead. a quiet moan pushed from your lungs, free hand coming up to cup one of your breasts beneath your shirt and roll your nipple between your fingers.

you shifted a bit, angling your fingers to plunge deeper, desperately trying to reach the sweet spot you craved, but to no avail. you grunted in frustration, deciding to pay more attention to your clit instead, eyes fluttering shut when it made the coil in your belly tighten.

“do you think of me when you touch yourself?” gyuvin’s voice cut through your every thought, startling you to the point of tearing your fingers away from your desperate, needy core.

you sat up, drawing the blanket closer to you, eyes wide in bewilderment at seeing him standing in the doorway, posture leaning against the door frame. his arms were crossed over his chest, a knowing smirk tugging at his lips and hunger evident in his eyes. you could feel your mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, trying to find the words, but instead becoming a babbling mess, “g-gyuvin! i- uh, when did you come in here? did you knock? it's really a polite thing to d—”

“oh come on, y/n,” he cooed, stepping past the threshold and further into your room, “you don't think i’m stupid, do you?”

“i don't know what you're talking about,” you lied, though you knew it wasn't believable.

he stepped forward again, leaning onto the mattress with one of his hands, the other coming up to push a strand of your messy hair behind your ear, devilish grin unable to be hidden any longer, “i think you forgot my room shares a wall with this one. i've been able to hear everything.”

you swore your eyes were going to fall out of your head, his next words hardly gave you a chance to breathe, “don't you find it awfully coincidental we had that little meeting in the kitchen not long ago, and now you're in here making a mess of yourself? do you really think your staring went unnoticed?”

you hoped your traitorous heartbeat was only something you could hear, because you knew if he could it would give you away — as if you hadn't already. the feeling of his hand brushing the skin on your cheek was enough to light you completely on fire. he was so close to you, breaths mingling, his next words enough to make you press your thighs together again.

“don't think i didn't notice how good you look in just a t-shirt trying to get that damned cup, either.”

“what are you playing at?” your voice was surprisingly steady.

“nobody’s home,” he said, fingers trailing lightly down your throat to your collarbones and then your waist, causing goosebumps to rise up on your skin, “we have the whole house to do whatever we want.”

“but what about—”

“don't bring my sister into this. what she doesn't know won't kill her.”

he gave your waist a light squeeze, “besides, how could i live knowing there's someone as pretty as you in the room next to me getting off without any help?”

you stared at him for a moment, searching his eyes for any kind of inkling that he was just messing with you, but all you got in return was unbridled desire glossing over his expression. everything in your mind was telling you no, that you couldn't do this, but your body did the talking for you, leaning forward ever so slightly, your head nodding in approval of his proposition.

without any hesitation, he closed the distance between the two of you, the kiss sending a jolt of electricity through your entire being. his lips molded perfectly with yours, his pace steady and reassuring. he shifted onto his knee, the mattress dipping beneath his waist as he caged you underneath of him, one of his legs nestling in between your thighs.

his tongue swiped your bottom lip, begging for more access to your mouth, which you granted almost instantly. he dipped it experimentally into your mouth, causing you to groan against him, arms wrapping around his neck to draw him in closer. the searing heat of his skin against yours drove you up the wall, hands desperately clinging onto him in any way you could. he broke the kiss to work his way down your neck, leaving a trail of wetness in his wake as he did so.

you tilted your head back to grant him more access to the sensitive skin there, words catching in your throat as you attempted to say, “this is so wrong.”

“so wrong,” he agreed, the vibration of his voice against you a pleasant sensation, “but i don't really care.”

“i don't either.”

his free hand slipped beneath your shirt, palm gripping your waist against, squeezing the moment you bucked your hips against his thigh, desperate to feel some sort of friction. he shifted to where his thigh was pressed against your dripping heat, his lips going back to work on your neck, “do what you have to do to make yourself feel good.”

you couldn't help but feel shy at his words. the moment he sensed your hesitation, the hand that had made its home on your waist moving down to your hip instead, beginning to help you move and get the relief you so desperately craved. you gasped, the fabric of his sweatpants brushing against your clit in the most heavenly way. you slowly began to move on your own, setting the pace for yourself, chest rising and falling rapidly the more the pleasure settled into your stomach.

he pushed your shirt up until your breasts were completely on display for him, bouncing to the same rhythm you were grinding onto his thigh. he moaned at the sight, sitting back just enough to be able to cup both of them in his large hands, massaging them at a steady pace, flicking the sensitive little buds and eliciting the most beautiful whimper from you, his name falling from your lips, “holy shit, gyuvin.”

“never imagined i'd get to see you like this,” he panted, leaning down to capture you lips in a quick kiss, “can't say i'm disappointed.”

you sped up the pace of your hips, not even caring about how absolutely soaked his sweatpants had become with your wetness. if anything, it only fueled you on more, hands gripping his forearms as he continued to work on your breasts. you peered up at him through your lashes, taking note of the sheen of sweat that coated his forehead, hair sticking to his skin as he stared at you with lustful eyes. it was enough to almost send you teetering over the edge.

“s-so close.”

gyuvin grinned, flexing his thigh as you bucked your hips up again. that was all it took, your back arching up off the mattress and orgasm crashing over you in waves, his name being chanted like a mantra, your eyes squeezing shut as you rode out your high. your release coated his sweats more, if that were even possible, making both of you a dripping, sticky mess, chest heaving up and down from the aftermath.

“that was so fucking hot,” gyuvin said, gaze following your body as you sat up, fully discarding your shirt and leaving you completely bare in front of him.

you sat on your knees in front of him, fingers toying with the hem of his waistband, your sudden burst of confidence pushing you to say:

i.

the government was a group of people you had grown to deeply hate within your time of being a resident in their society. the rules they set were to always be followed, no matter what, with no question asked. and, of course, to be followed in full faith and trust in the officials.

do not, under any circumstances, question authority. be in your pods by 10pm every single night, no later. only people with i.d. cards to a certain part of the facility may enter. do not attempt to leave the building.

most of those were fine, and you obeyed them. however, you couldn’t stand not being able to go outside and see what was beyond the doors. select few people were admitted outside, and you desperately wished you were one of them. but, you weren’t, and never would be simply for the fact that you didn’t want to show loyalty to a group of corrupt people.

you found some days living within the confined society harder than others. you never really got to have much fun because there was never anything interesting to do, unless you wanted to repeat the same cycle of recreational activities all the time. the most fun you had was during school when you got to be a part of theater. since you were now graduated, you were stuck constantly working without any sort of downtime to hang out with friends or unwind on your own.

the president wanted a perfect society, something well-balanced and unitary. he always claimed things could never go wrong in the wretched place, that everything was going as planned. he practically had the people brainwashed into thinking everything was okay. but, you knew better.

your parents had once been a part of the board of officials, holding a significant amount of power over the people. however, they were never allowed to know anything the president planned. ever. naturally, they had grown suspicious, and broke one of the most important rules in the entire community.

do not, under any circumstances, question authority.

because of their decision to do so, they were sentenced to death, leaving you to be an orphan and navigate society entirely on your own. you were old enough to function by yourself, but it was definitely harder without them. people rarely felt sympathy for you because death sentences occurred often, especially for the most trivial of things, so it was common for children to have to live without their parents.

you desperately wanted to fight to keep them alive, to get them a second chance, but they told you not to, bidding their goodbyes before they were torn away from you and you were forced to watch their execution. it took a lot of willpower to still obey officials after that, but you managed for your parents’ sake.

you got a job in the garage, repairing the rovers the few people had the privilege of driving outside. you enjoyed your time there, simply for the fact that you got to work with your best friend, matthew, almost every single day. he was the one person who kept you grounded when you needed it the most.

“hey, y/n!” he called now, breaking you free from your thoughts as you mindlessly flipped through your list of tasks for the day, “there’s a truck that needs to be backed onto the jack, there’s a problem with the alignment and we need to get it up in the air.”

you set the papers down on your work table and scanned your eyes around the garage to find the rover matthew described to you. he tossed the key to you, your nimble fingers curling around them swiftly. you climbed up into the driver’s seat and fired up the engine, which roared loudly, and shifted it into reverse.

you glanced in your mirror to be sure of your clearance before easing your foot off of the brake and allowing the monstrous vehicle to roll backwards toward the lift. you could see matthew in the side mirror, waving his arms back to signal you needed to keep going. after a few more moments, he held his hand up and you pressed your foot on the brake, killing the engine after shifting into park.

you hopped out of the rover with a wide grin displayed on your face, “piece of cake, as usual.”

“if i were you, i wouldn’t brag too much,” the owner of the voice that filled your ears instantly earned an eye roll from you, your body turning to face the figure leaning up against the front of the truck, muscular arms crossed over his chest, “i could have had that sucker backed up way quicker than that.”

“nobody asked, jiwoong.”

the light-haired boy was someone you never really cared for. he had such a swollen ego because he was one of your boss’s favorites, so he thought he was the best at everything he did. granted, he was one of the best mechanics in the whole garage, but it was still the point. working with him was a nightmare most of the time because you had to hear earfuls about how you were ‘doing that wrong’ and ‘that doesn’t go there.’

he gave you a lopsided smirk, “can’t help speaking the truth.”

“why do you always have to open your mouth over everything?” the irritation was evident in your voice. your cheeks held a soft rosy hue as your face heated up from frustration, “it’s annoying. stop telling me you can do everything better than me when you clearly can’t.”

jiwoong only chuckled to himself, crouching below the now lifted rover to see underneath of it, “think what you want, love.”

“i fucking despise you,” you spat.

“watch your language, y/n,” jiwoong mockingly remarked, rising to his feet only to set himself mere inches apart from you, “otherwise you’ll get in trouble.”

something came over you, though you’re not sure if it was his cockiness oozing from him in waves or if it was the fact that he was centimeters away, and you reached forward and slapped him. everything was muddled together and by the time the realization of your actions ran across your mind, jiwoong was already yelling, “what the hell?”

the look of pure and utter shock on his face was enough to satisfy your need to do that for such a long time. a satisfied grin twisted your lips upward, but the adrenaline coursing through your veins wore off quicker than it came. kim jiwoong was a force to be reckoned with when he was angry and to say you were slightly terrified of what was to come was understatement.

he looked at you with fire glimmering in his dark eyes, and you backed away from him in order to create some sort of space. however, a body was quick to wedge itself in between the two of you to stop whatever arguing was sure to come next.

“i think that’s enough,” matthew spoke carefully, placing his hand on jiwoong’s chest and pushing him backwards gently, “you’re both angry and need to calm down. besides, you don’t want to get in trouble with our boss again. you’ll get suspended from the garage and have to clean stuff, which nobody wants.”

as much as you hated to admit it, matthew was right. if you were caught being confrontational in some way with jiwoong for the millionth time that week, you were sure to not be allowed to even think about stepping foot into the garage for a minimum of three days. sighing, you ran your hand through your hair and walked the opposite direction. being the bigger person in the situation wouldn’t be a bad idea, especially when your job was on the line.

you were in for a long day, especially since you’d be forced to work in the same space as a pissed off jiwoong. you just really hoped that nothing else would go wrong.

ii.

as always, matthew was walking you back to your pod after the day’s hard work, and you were laughing about some stupid joke he had made. he always managed to lighten the mood after jiwoong pissed you off, which you appreciated him deeply for. it was always draining to bicker and work at the same time, so laughing every once in a while was like a treat to you.

you were always like two peas in a pod. wherever you were, he was, and vice versa. you shared the same opinions, so you equally hated the government together. you were thankful for that, especially, given that you felt alone in that regard. particularly in the moment that you caught a glimpse of the president with a mysterious looking man you’d never seen and drug him into a hallway that was completely swallowed with darkness.

you hushed him from his loud laughter, hoping like hell that the president didn’t hear anything. the odds were in your favor, because he didn’t even spare a glance in the direction of the two of you. matthew mouthed a ‘what’ to you, a look of confusion clear on your face, but you merely pointed to the president and the man and signaled for him to listen.

spying on officials engaging in classified business was the biggest degree of treason in the entire community, but here you were, crouched together in an attempt to stay hidden as you listened to what words were being exchanged between the two. the man you didn’t recognize put a thick, silver briefcase on a rolling cart, opening it up to reveal slender glass tubes of bright blue liquid inside of them.

“i think we might have a winner with this one,” the president’s voice was smooth, the glint in his eyes slightly sadistic as he picked up a vile with his slender fingers and held it up to examine it closer, “how long did this batch take to create?”

“the leader of district 3 said that this one took months to craft. i think it will be ready to try whenever you see fit,” the man replied.

the president smiled slyly to himself, “i just need to find a test subject.”

“well, given the fact that i’ve been here a few times, might i suggest one of the mechanics in the garage? their strength could do just the trick.”

your heart sank deep into your chest, a wave of panic washing over both you and matthew simultaneously. his eyes were wide with fear. the two of you certainly didn’t want any part of whatever twisted fate was in store. however, the name that slipped off of the president’s tongue was one you never expected him to say.

“kim jiwoong might be a very good option. he’s strong and has a temper. i think he might be able to endure the side effects better than most people could. i would just need to keep him quarantined.”

you could feel anxiety bubble up in your belly. you did not like jiwoong, that was for certain, but you also didn’t want to see him injected with the mysterious blue liquid that only the president and the man seemed to know about. you watched as your leader put the tube back into the briefcase and smile at the man before saying, “i think that’s all for today. i’ll let you know when i want these back here. thank you for your hard work.”

the man closed the briefcase and locked it back, bidding the president goodbye before they went their separate ways. you remained crouched next to matthew, completely baffled by what you had just witnessed, scoffing, “you’re kidding me.”

“the hallway is not a good place for us to be talking about this,” matthew hissed as he grabbed your hand and pulled you from the floor, walking back out into the main corridor that would lead back to your pod.

upon reaching the door, he pulled you inside and shut it quickly. you were frustrated, simply because you didn’t know what to do with your newfound information. you ran a hand through your hair, almost laughing, “untrustworthy bastards. i wonder what they’re planning.”

matthew was just as dumbfounded as you, his eyes still as wide as saucers and his mouth still pressed into a thin line. he was quiet for a moment in thought, then finally said, “the real question is, what was that blue stuff? surely if this is a ‘perfect society’ they wouldn’t need test subjects to alter anything.”

“we have to find out what it is,” you announced.

“that isn’t a good idea, y/n. we were already playing with fire watching what just happened, let alone prolonging it. if they find out, we’re as good as dead. you know that.”

you shook your head. matthew going against you in this was something you never expected, and you planned to win him over one way or another, “we won’t get caught. i promise you that, okay? my parents worked for the government, i know their antics like the back of my hand by now. just trust me, please?”

matthew sighed, crossing his arms over his chest, “fine. but the moment anything looks suspicious, we stop.”

“deal,” you replied, your frown deepening a bit, “should we tell jiwoong and warn him?”

you hated the thought of even looking out for the man, but given the fact that you didn’t know much about what the president planned to do with that tube made it hard not to be jiwoong’s ally in some sort of way.

matthew nodded after a moment, “it wouldn’t be a bad idea. you just have to make sure he doesn’t scream at you the moment you walk into the garage tomorrow.”

“don’t remind me.”

———

upon walking into the garage the next day, you felt surprisingly on edge about everything. you weren’t entirely sure if jiwoong would speak to you, let alone believe what you told him. as you swiped your i.d. card to get into the large room, your eyes instantly scanned in search of the blonde boy who was usually messing around in one of the motors of the rovers.

you spotted him, sat squat on the floor while he worked on removing the bolts from a tire in order to change it. you made your way over to him, tapping his shoulder and clearing your throat awkwardly. the moment he turned to face you, he grimaced and scooted away from you, mockingly asking, “what, did you come to slap me again?”

this was going to be a lot harder than you thought.

“can we talk for a second?” you asked, shifting on your feet under his intense glare.

“why?”

“i can’t talk about it while there’s other people around,” you did your best to convince him, but you just earned a grin from him in reply, knowing exactly what he was on about, so you sarcastically remarked, “and no, i’m not confessing my undying love for you.”

he sighed, tossing the tool in his hand to the side before he stood up, wiping his grease-covered hands on his pants, “this better be worth my time, then.”

you led him into the small office where video training and paperwork was filled out, making sure to tightly close the door behind you. you turned to face him, your heartbeat suddenly in your throat the moment you connected your gaze with his own. he silently urged you on, quirking an eyebrow up and looking slightly annoyed due to your silence.

“this is going to sound absolutely nuts, but you have to hear me out, okay?” you asserted before going into your explanation of his unknown fate.

he heaved a frustrated sigh, “just talk, y/n. i don’t have all day.”

you began to explain the circumstances to him, carefully placing your words together, “matthew was walking me back to my pod after work last night and i saw the president in the main hallway with this strange man i’ve never seen around here before. so, we hid, and listened in on what they were saying.”

“that, my dear y/n, is highly illegal,” jiwoong smugly interjected, a smirk on his face, “and i could use that against you if i wanted to.”

you rolled your eyes, deciding to ignore his comment, “anyway, he had these tubes full of blue liquid that they got from someone on the outside. i’m not exactly sure what it is, but i do know they need a test subject for it and they plan to use you.”

“seriously? do you know why they chose me?” jiwoong looked taken aback, his features now contorted with a mixture of curiosity and fear.

“the president said something about you being strong enough to withstand the side effects, whatever that means. i just wanted to warn you to be on the lookout.”

“you're not joking about this, are you?”

“i would never make something like this up,” you assured him, “if you don’t fully believe me feel free to ask matthew, like i said, he was there too.”

“no, no, i believe you,” he replied, his eyes glazing over with a troubled look. you felt a pang of sympathy for him, though you didn’t like that feeling, and reassured him that he could go to you if he had any questions.

you earned a smug grin in response, “you know, if i didn’t know any better, i would think you cared about me.”

“not even in your wildest dreams. we just can’t lose one of our best workers around here, that’s all.”

“whatever you say, y/n.”

iii.

a few days had passed since your conversation with jiwoong. things were going smoothly in the garage and for the first time ever, you went a whole day without bickering at one another. it could have been considered a miracle, though you supposed it was his subtle way of thanking you for the warning of whatever the president was plotting. if you were being honest, you were surprised nobody made any snide remarks about it either.

you both were on high alert now, just in case anything were to suddenly occur, but nothing ever did. you didn’t see the president at all and nobody came in ordering jiwoong to come with them. it wasn’t a surprise, simply because the government was so hush-hush all the time. however, what you didn’t expect was to hear jiwoong’s fist pounding on the door to your pod.

at seven in the morning.

the moment you first heard it, you tried to pretend that you were dreaming and delved further into the heavy comforter that was thrown over your body. it only worked for so long because the boy was relentless, so you groaned loudly in hopes he would hear and drug yourself out of bed, your hair sitting in messy tufts on top of your head as you shuffled toward the door.

you looked through the peephole, growing slightly annoyed at the sight of him fully clothed and ready for the work day. finally, you sighed, unlocking the door before grumbling, “what could you possibly want at this hour, jiwoong? you probably woke all of my neighbors.”

“i have a proposition for you, y/n,” jiwoong strolled past you without an invitation and with a smirk on his face as he did so, settling down at one of the chairs hastily stuffed underneath the table you ate your dinner at.

“sure, you can come in!” you sarcastically remarked, closing the door a little too roughly, “what’s this ‘proposition?’”

“well you see, i know that you’ve never liked, much less trusted, the government. seeing as they plan to inject me with some unknown substance, i don’t think it’s fit for me to trust them anymore either. how do you feel about getting a group of people together for a sort of…. rebellion, i guess you could say,” mischief glinted in his eyes as he scanned your face for any kind of sign that you were interested.

to say you were surprised he even came to you with something like this in the first place was an understatement. you opened your mouth to reply, but quickly shut it because you couldn’t seem to form a coherent thought. you were baffled.

jiwoong chuckled, “cat got your tongue?”

“are you sure i can trust you? i literally slapped you a few days ago, so i think it’s safe to say you still hate me.”

“i wouldn’t have asked you this if you couldn’t,” he answered, “and i do still hate you, just not as much. you redeemed yourself when you told me about all of this.”

pushing your tangled hair out of your face, you groaned, “fine. are you sure we can get people together that won’t rat us out?”

“trust me, we aren’t the only ones that hate the government,” jiwoong reassured you.

you nodded, finally sitting down across from him. it was a lot to take in at such an early time in the morning. jiwoong laced his fingers together on the table in front of him, his inquisitive stare bearing into your soul, “so, what do you know that others don’t? your parents were a part of the council, surely you know at least something.”

the mention of your parents from someone other than yourself or matthew made your heart twinge and ache in your chest, but you pushed past it anyway, “i know we aren’t the only people. we’re separated into ten districts and there’s identical facilities in each one. we’re in district 9, i know that for a fact. we’re also closed in by a forcefield of some kind, though i’m not sure of its power.”

“wait, really?” jiwoong looked amazed at your words, “how do they keep it so well hidden?”

“well, think about it. the government is very secretive, if it’s discovered that people are discussing things meant to be known amongst the government only, it’s punishable by death. nobody would dare talk about it to non-officials,” you pointed out, frowning slightly as you added, “that’s part of the reason why my parents are gone.”

“damn,” jiwoong murmured, mostly to himself.

a silence fell between the two of you, your thoughts engulfing your brains. never in a million years would you have expected to be an ally with jiwoong, yet here you were. the past few days had been weird, and you were ready for that feeling to subside. “earth to y/n,” the blonde finally said, snagging your attention once again, “i’m gonna head down to the garage, i’ll see you later.”

you nodded and watched as he rose to his feet and made his way to the door, stopping only to grin back at you, “y/n?”

“what now?”

“you were staring, maybe you should take a picture next time. it’ll last longer.”

iv.

“y/n!” your body jumped slightly at the sudden yell of your name, your forehead nearly smacking with the underside of the rover you were currently working on. you cussed under your breath, sliding out from underneath enough to be able to gaze up at jiwoong, who looked the most worried you had ever seen him.

“you okay?” you inquired.

he shook his head, motioning for you to follow him into the same office you were crammed into when you first told him about what the president had in store. you sighed, setting the wrench in your hand down on the ground and looked over at your best friend, who had been laying beside you working on something else.

“i’ll be back,” you told him, earning a nod from him, “jiwoong needs me for just a second.”

“don’t be too long, who knows, i might get crushed,” he joked with a chuckle as you rose to your feet. you kicked him in the shin playfully before following jiwoong.

he looked distraught, to say the least. it hadn’t been long after making your plan to get people together, and you were on edge even more than usual awaiting the set date for your first meeting. jiwoong ran his hand through his pale hair, his voice quivering as he spoke, “i just discovered what that stuff is. i’m surprised i didn’t get caught.”

“really? what is it?” a wave of anxiety washed over you. if he found out something, that meant the substance was back in the building and the president could very easily take jiwoong at the snap of a finger.

he parted his plump lips to speak, his voice low just in case anyone was nearby, “apparently it’s a mutation. whoever is injected is turned into this, this thing that causes them to go absolutely insane. it sounds to me like they’re trying to use it as a defense mechanism of some sort. supposedly some of the districts are at war”

“let’s move the first meeting to tonight. we can’t wait until the end of the week now,” you declared, and jiwoong almost instantly agreed with you.

your moods had both grown sour, but you needed to stay level-headed. the news was something you desperately wished wasn’t real, but you knew no matter how much you hoped that nothing would change. sighing, you said, “i’ll let the others know. see you tonight, okay?”

“yeah, see you tonight,” jiwoong replied.

———

later that evening, you were sitting on your couch, matthew’s arm slung lazily over your shoulder and his head leaning against your own. you were reminiscing on your childhood in order to kill the painfully slow minutes that were passing until the group was meant to start arriving.

“do you remember when we got caught sneaking into the auditorium to find a place to hide and we got in trouble because the drama director thought we were gonna makeout?” matthew chortled softly, his smile bright and his eyes disappearing into crescents.

“yes!” you exclaimed, “we were so embarrassed. we would have never thought about doing something like that.”

“exactly, the last place i would want to make out with the person i like is the auditorium.”

after he spoke, matthew suddenly went silent. you knew what he did, and could feel your heart begin to speed up. you could feel the hand he had rested on your shoulder begin to shake and his breathing hitch in his throat. you squeezed his thigh in reassurance.

he laughed nervously, “i wasn’t supposed to confess to you like that. not really at all, to be honest, i was afraid it would ruin our friendship”

“matthew, no matter what you do, you’ll never ruin our friendship,” you reassured him, shifting a bit to get a better look at his face, “you do know that, right?”

he silently nodded at you, bowing his head. he looked frustrated with himself, his ears tinged pink and a frown deeply set upon his face. you turned his head to face yours, locking your gaze with his, repeating, “nothing you do will ever ruin our friendship.”

“you’re sure?”

“positive. at the end of the day, all feelings aside, you’re the most important person in my life. you aren’t getting rid of me any time soon,” you answered.

matthew parted his lips to speak, “you haven’t really given me a hint about your feelings through all of this.”

“matthew,” you softly sighed after saying his name, “i don’t know if i’m fit to be in a relationship right now, especially since all this stuff with the rebellion is going down. maybe once we all escape you and i can give it a shot, okay? if it doesn’t work out, we can go back to being best friends with no hard feelings.”

he nodded, looking as if he was going to say one final thing, but the two of you were interrupted by jiwoong barging into your room uninvited, clearly suppressing a laugh at your shocked expression. he asked, “are you ready to start the meeting?”

“do you know how to fucking knock? or be respectful?” you groaned, detangling yourself from matthew and rising to your feet, your annoyance evident in your posture. jiwoong only laughed loudly in response.

“when it comes to you, absolutely not.” he teased.

you could see matthew visibly tense up out of the corner of your eye, so as if to reassure him, you retorted, “i cannot stand you.”

“looks like you're going to have to if we wanna get out of here,” he said matter-of-factly, his shoulders shrugging.

rolling your eyes, you told him to let everyone inside. you were surprised to see so many people come inside, since you didn’t think you recruited that many in the first place, but you weren’t complaining. the people who came flooding in were people you had seen around the facility or in class. shen ricky, who was always the one to ask to copy your homework during math, was the first one you noticed.

the next two were sung hanbin and zhang hao, two boys you’d grown to know and become good friends with because of after school tutoring. kim taerae, from the few plays you’d been involved with in theater. park gunwook, who you worked with in the garage often. and finally, kim gyuvin, from the time you attempted to sneak him into the garage because he wanted to see the rovers.

“you guys can just sit wherever,” you said, motioning to the chair and various pieces of furniture placed around your room.

jiwoong joined you in front of the group, a smirk from his previous actions on his face. you could feel your cheeks still heated up from matthew’s sudden confession and your palms were sweaty from the nervousness you felt being stood in front of so many people at once.

“obviously, we’re all here for a reason,” jiwoong immediately took the reins of a leader once everyone was settled down, “we don’t trust our government and they have a weapon that could be used against us at any given moment. we need to figure out a way we can escape from here.”

jiwoong fell silent for a moment, signaling for you to continue his speech. you inhaled deeply and allowed your thoughts to flow freely past your lips, “the president has plans to inject many of the inhabitants of this place with a mutation. jiwoong discovered that it turns the person into someone who can’t control themselves, and they resemble something similar to a monster. he is the first target because according to the president, he will likely withstand the side effects well.”

“for each gathering we have, we need to work as quickly and thoroughly as possible,” jiwoong added swiftly, “now that he has the mutation in his possession, it’s only a matter of days before he tries to pull something.”

gyuvin cleared his throat, piping up, “i have roamed this place so much that i know where every hiding spot and every room is. i can make a map to figure out the best escape route.”

you nodded, feeling a wave of determination overcome you, “that’s a good start. i have documents that my parents kept hidden that we can use. everyone else, think of something you can do and let’s get started on it tonight. the clock is ticking.”

v.

since the first meeting, you found yourself with a lot on your mind. whether it be the fact that matthew admitted he had feelings for you or if you were worrying about whether your plan was solid enough, it was always something. you never really had time to relax or sort anything out, which was even more stressful on you.

as the next two weeks passed, you had a lot less free time to spend with your best friend because you were always stuck with jiwoong inviting himself over to further plan things. which, you normally wouldn’t have minded, but you could feel your hatred for him beginning to slip away and you were left with a foggy mind and confused heart.

however, working with jiwoong had proven to be a lot more difficult than what you thought. while you shared a lot of similar ideas, you still butted heads on some of the more serious issues that arose during your discussion, which was exactly why you were currently sitting at your dining table, huffing in annoyance, “if someone falls behind, we need to go back to get them. it isn’t fair if they’re helping plan all this and then get left behind if something goes wrong.”

“this isn’t up for discussion, y/n,” jiwoong spat, writing something down on a piece of paper without sparing you a second glance.

you slammed your own pen down onto the table, “you’re not the only one in charge of this group, jiwoong. we’re doing this together. you need to take what i’m suggesting into consideration, especially since, you know, i’m a leader too. this isn’t the jiwoong show just because you’re the president’s main target.”

the light haired boy scoffed at you, a dry laugh slipping from his lungs, “bold of you to assume that i’ll actually do that.”

“so you mean to tell me that you’re willing to have these people risk their lives to save your ass but you’re not even going to consider helping someone if they fall back? that’s pretty pathetic, if you ask me,” you retorted.

at your comment, jiwoong finally lifted his head and met his gaze with your own, anger glimmering in his dark eyes. you pissed him off, there was no secret about that, but you refused to back down from your own argument. he needed to understand and you were willing to fight him on it until he gave up.

“it’s not pathetic when it comes to risking everyone else’s lives for one person who can’t keep up with the rest of us,” his words were laced with venom as he spoke to you, “it’s every man for himself.”.

you forcefully closed the notebook you had in front of you, shoving your chair backwards with its legs scraping loudly against the concrete floor. your voice began to raise in volume as you spoke, “everyone is in this together. every man for himself will not apply to this.’

“like hell it won’t. if we even falter for a split fucking second we’re all dead and we can kiss escaping goodbye,” jiwoong was yelling now, he too on his feet, and was slowly inching closer to you, as if to assert himself somehow.

“will you quiet down? yelling out all of our plans for the neighbors to hear isn't going to help us,” you hissed, feeling a slight panic arise in your throat.

his face was deep red from anger, a thick vein popping out on the side of his neck. you began to back up as he advanced, still holding your chin high to let him know you weren’t fully backing down. your back was now pressed against the wall, one of his arms pressed against it to the side of you. his lips were dangerously close to your ear, sending a shiver down your spine as he lowly spoke, “it’s my way or no way, sweetheart.”

“i beg to fucking differ,” you said, pressing both of your hands away from his chest in an attempt to push him away, your heart beating out of your chest due to the close proximity of his body to your own.

instead, he smirked, his lips brushing against the soft skin of your jaw, “do you want to get out of here or not?”

“of c-course i do,” you stuttered, your breath hitching in your throat from the sensation of his chapped lips, “but i want everyone to get out. not just us.”

jiwoong gripped your waist with his free hand, pulling your body close to his. you made a small noise, but seemed to have relaxed under his touch, which earned a chuckle from him. he slipped his hand beneath your shirt, his calloused fingers now on your bare back, “you’re impossible to deal with, you know that?”

“says the one who won't take no for an answer,” you spat back.

an unreadable expression flickered in his dark irises as his gaze searched your face, ultimately flickering down to your lips and then back up to your eyes. you tilted your head slightly in question, a smirk playing on your lips, “what's the matter, sweetheart, never been this close to someone before?”

your words snapped something within him, because within seconds he was roughly crashing his lips onto yours, the rough, calloused hand that was on the wall now cupping your cheek. he slowly inched his way down your jaw, causing goosebumps to arise on your skin the moment his teeth nipped at the soft flesh just below your ear.

you let out a breathy moan, tossing your head back to grant him more access to your neck. his hands trailed over your sides and along your back, soon his grip pulling your body closer to his. the wall was cool against your feverish skin, the mixture of hot and cold bringing a new feeling to your body you had never felt before. the more jiwoong's mouth explored your neck, the more you craved every single inch of him.

his fingers found their way under your thighs, lifting you up in order to carry you to your bedroom, which was closed off to the rest of your pod. his lips never left your body as he walked and finally laid you down on the plush bed. he broke away, looking you in the eyes with a hint of seriousness in his expression, “are you okay with all of this?”

“if i didn’t know any better,” you teased, thinking back to a line he had spoken to you some weeks ago, “i would think you cared about me.”

jiwoong only grinned at you, hiding his face in the crook of your neck, his tone playful, “you’re so fucking annoying.”

you swore you could feel your heart skip a beat at the lack of bite in his words. your mind was racing as you spoke, “just touch me, jiwoong.”

at your words, his fingers were gripping the hem of your shirt, pulling the fabric over your head and tossing it to the side. he peppered kisses across the expanse of your breasts, leaving small purple bruises in his wake. your chest heaved up and down as he began to suck at one of your nipples, his free hand massaging your other breast as he did so. a loud groan slipped past your lips, your back arching up into his touch. he smirked against your skin, mumbling, “you’re already responding so well to me. who would have ever thought?”

before you could give him a snarky reply, he sealed your lips into another kiss, full of desperation as his hands roamed up and down your sides and back up to the swell of your breasts, giving them a firm squeeze. his kisses trailed all the way down to the waistband of your jeans, fingers working at the button clumsily as he worked on leaving a deep purple bruise on your hip.

he pulled your jeans off of your legs with ease, discarding them to the floor without any further thought. you were left with only your underwear remaining on your body, completely soaked with your arousal. jiwoong moaned at the sight, dragging his fingers up and down your clothed folds. you took in a shaky breath, fingers digging into the sheets beneath you, trying your best not to wiggle around too much.

his touch was gone momentarily as he sat up, taking off his shirt and throwing it into the starting pile of clothes next to your bed. he sat back on his heels, taking in the sight of you like this beneath him, a satisfied grin tipping up the corners of his lips. you blushed, feeling all too exposed, instead busying your hands with attempting to get him to touch you again, which he did without much of a fight.

he hooked his fingers underneath your underwear and pulled them swiftly off of you, leaving you laid bare beneath him. he nestled himself in between your legs, his mouth mere inches from your dripping, aching core, warm breath fanning across your skin teasingly. he began to press soft, delicate kisses on your inner thighs, completely avoiding where you wanted him.

“jiwoong, please,” you whined, your body stirring impatiently beneath him.

“so desperate for me you're already begging, how cute.”

however, without anymore thought, he dipped his head down to meet with your glistening folds, completely taking control. he pressed his tongue flat against you, licking a stripe all the way up to your clit, which caused a desperate moan to erupt from your lungs. you squeezed your legs on either side of his head, desperate to get more friction, but to your dismay he placed his hands on your knees and forced your legs back apart, his strong grip holding you in place, completely at his mercy.

“keep your legs apart, wanna see all of you,” the vibration of his voice against you sent a jolt of pleasure straight to the pit of your belly, causing your back to arch up, pressing your cunt further into his mouth.

“you’re so stunning, y/n,” jiwoong mumbled, “and you taste absolutely divine.”

“i’m so close,” you breathily replied, fingers tangling in his hair in an attempt to keep him right where he was.

jiwoong slipped two of his fingers inside of you, tongue working on your clit in an attempt to get you to your orgasm. it wasn't long before you were changing his name like a mantra and your walls were squeezing around his fingers while your high was crashing over you, legs trembling. he pulled back once you were done, a devilish smirk on his face, chin glistening with arousal. he licked his fingers clean, the sight almost enough to make you cum again on the spot.

he made quick work of unbuckling his belt and ridding his body of the clothes that remained. you watched as he did so, a bright pink blush creeping across your cheeks as you asked, “do you want me to return the favor?”

“you can another time. it’s all about you tonight, love,” jiwoong responded after a shake of his head.

jiwoong returned to you, molding his lips with yours once again. you wrapped your arms around his neck, desperately wanting his touch even more. he reached his hands down in between your bodies, running his calloused fingers along your folds at a teasingly slow pace, “you’re so wet for me, angel.”

you wiggled slightly, your hands gripping his neck in desperation, “fuck me, please. i need you.”

the blonde chuckled, pumping his cock a few times before he lined himself up with you, slowly pushing into you with a hiss, “so fucking tight.”

you let out a relieved moan at how well he filled you up, taking a moment to adjust to his length before you nodded, letting him know it was okay for him to start moving. jiwoong pulled back slightly, snapping his hips harshly into yours with a breathy groan, his face buried in your neck. he massaged one of your breasts with one hand and held his body up with the other, lips finding anywhere and everywhere to mark that wasn’t visible. the feeling of his cock filling you up was enough to make your head spin; it was almost as if you were made for him. you felt deliciously full every time he bottomed out, wanting nothing more than that feeling forever.

you peered up at him as he moved, taking note of the fine layer of sweat that broke out across his forehead, his hair falling into his face, lips slightly parted, eyes squeezed shut. he was devastatingly beautiful like this. you were surprised it took you so long to notice just how attractive he actually was.

the room was filled with nothing but the sounds of your moans and your names being called out whenever jiwoong did something you both really enjoyed. you felt a warm knot in your lower abdomen begin to build up again and you groaned quietly, “i’m almost there.”

“cum for me then,” he growled, the hand he wasn’t using to prop himself up finding its way in between your legs to circle around your clit, giving you the rest of the stimulation you needed to finish. with one final call of his name, you clenched hard around him, a state of bliss taking over your entire body as you rode out your second high.

jiwoong was soon to follow, pulling out and releasing onto your stomach, soft grunts falling from his lips. both of your chests were heaving up and down heavily, your cheeks flushed.

jiwoong grabbed a tissue from the nightstand beside your bed and cleaned you up, slipping his baggy t-shirt over your head so the fabric could engulf your entire body. he slipped his boxers back on before crawling into the bed with you, pulling your figure against his chest.

he kissed the top of your head, murmuring, “that was way better than i could have ever imagined.”

your heart fluttered at his words. the thought of him imagining being this intimate with you made the butterflies in your belly go crazy. you blushed, asking, “you’ve really thought about doing this?”

“well, not just this,” he admitted, lazily trailing one of his fingers on your arm, “i’ve thought about kissing you too. being able to call you mine.”

“your actions certainly haven’t shown that,” you teased, snuggling closer to him. you adored the feeling of his warmth encompassing your body.

“i know that… i’ve never actually hated you, y/n. i’ve always been quite fond of you, actually, i just enjoyed getting on your nerves.”

“trust me, you still do,” you joked in return, “but it’s better now.”

he brushed some of the hair plastered to your forehead away from your face, his gaze soft as he unexpectedly said, “no man left behind.”

“really?” you asked excitedly, your eyes lighting up at his words.

“yep. if we’re doing this, it’s all of us or none of us.”

a comfortable silence fell between the two of you and you stayed wrapped up in each other’s arms. he occasionally bent down to peck a delicate kiss on your lips, and for once, you both felt at peace for the first time in a month full of stress and exhaustion.

however, your best friend didn’t. he heard more than he ever bargained for, and he was heartbroken about it.

vi. 

waking up in jiwoong’s arms was something you never imagined happening, yet there you were, blanketed in pure bliss as the two of you woke up from the deep slumber you were previously in. he hummed in acknowledgement as you swept his messy hair from his forehead, mumbling, “good morning.”

“good morning to you too,” he replied, a soft, closed lip smile forming on his face, “this was a nice change to wake up to.”

you burrowed further into his side, feeling his embrace tighten, and you laid there for a moment out of contentedness. jiwoong’s teeth poked out from under his smile, his dark eyes now half opened as he peered down at your face, still flushed from sleep, and added, “it sucks we have to get up for work.”

“don’t remind me,” you groaned, your head falling onto his chest at the sudden realization that you would have to go back into the world full of stress and that your momentary feeling of heaven wouldn’t last forever.

grudgingly, the two of you finally got up from bed and got dressed for the day. you threw a new shirt and jeans on, hurrying through your morning routine with jiwoong, who was a lot slower moving than you were. by the time you were heading out the door, he had just gotten finished with running your hairbrush through the tangled mess on top of his head.

the walk to the garage was silent, but there wasn’t really a need for a conversation simply for the fact that you were both still weighed down with being tired. you swiped your i.d card and entered the garage, greeted by the familiar faces and smells you worked with each and every day. you could tell the day was going to be long the moment you saw a long list of duties sitting on your station table. you sighed, setting your belongings down on the table while picking up the piece of paper.

“do you want any help? all i have for today is paperwork,” jiwoong offered, checking his own station, but you shook your head in response.

“matthew should be here soon, we’ll tackle it together.”

however, as the day wore on, there was no sign of your mischievous best friend. part of you wondered if he overslept, but that was highly unlikely. he was always on time, no matter the occasion. you also knew he would never skip, so the uncertainty of it all made you feel uneasy. 

just when you’d given up hope on him coming in, he barged through the door, annoyance evident in his expression as he slammed his stuff down on the table. you raised your eyebrow at him in question, “you okay?”

“you’re the last person who should be asking me that,” matthew snarled, fire ablaze in his dark irises, “just give me what needs to be done and i’ll do it.”

“did i do something?” you inquired, handing him the crumpled piece of paper that he snatched from your hands. he had never once acted like that toward you.

“you really are stupid, aren’t you?”

you were growing frustrated by his cryptic responses, “matthew, i genuinely don’t know what i could have done.”

he offered a wry laugh, finally turning to face you with disappointment and hurt in his eyes. he motioned his hand toward jiwoong, who was busy scribbling things onto the lined paper in front of him, “why don’t you ask your new fuck buddy?”

a sudden realization crossed your features as to why he could be upset, but it was followed by your eyebrow quirking up in confusion as you asked, “how did you know we even hooked up?”

“we had plans last night, remember? to hang out for once?” he snapped, his expression hardening even more as he continued, “stopped by your pod like we agreed and if i’m honest, i’m shocked the entire section of pods weren’t able to hear you being a whore for a man you supposedly hate.”

“fuck you, matthew,” you scoffed, “i’m sorry that i forgot about our plans, but what you just said is completely out of line and you know it. please just let me expl-”

“no,” he interrupted, his voice faltering, “i don’t want to hear whatever sorry excuse you have for me. you’ve made it obvious where your heart lies. it definitely isn’t with me.”

the more the two of you argued, the more the volume of your voices increased. by now, he had captured jiwoong’s attention, his eyebrows furrowed as he set the pen he was holding down onto the table. he rose from his spot and stood behind you, “is everything alright?”

“matthew is-”

“peachy. i was just getting to work.”

matthew turned away from the two of you, feeling his heart shatter at the sight of jiwoong’s close proximity to you in the way his fingertips barely grazed your hip. he even heard the “what’s he upset about, love?”

what was meant to be an act of comfort turned into something much worse. something within matthew snapped, and the next thing any of you knew, he body slammed jiwoong against the rover you were working on, one fist bunched in the fabric of his shirt and the other hooking back and colliding with jiwoong’s face.

the sound of jiwoong’s nose cracking was sickening and definitely enough to seize the attention of everyone else in the garage. thick, crimson blood sputtered from his nostrils, coating not only his skin but matthew’s fist as well. jiwoong shoved the younger boy off of him, to which matthew stumbled back, and gingerly wiped his nose on the back of his hand.

“i really don’t want to fight you, matthew, so why don’t you go out into the hall and cool down, yeah? i’m gonna call our boss and get this all sorted out.”

with that, matthew stalked off, leaving your body shaking from sobs and jiwoong’s face messy from his own blood. 

—

“ow, easy!” jiwoong cried, sat in between your legs after the commotion of everything died down. you took a warm washcloth to his nose, gently wiping away the crusted blood that surrounded his nostrils and mouth. he winced with each stroke, sending a pang of guilt through your body every single time it happened.

“i’m so sorry, but i have to use a little bit of pressure to get it all off.”

he nodded, relaxing into your touch the more you continued your actions. your free hand was threaded through his thick hair, keeping it out of his face so it didn’t get stuck in the blood. his eyes were closed, lashes fluttering the moment you began to massage his scalp.

“so, what’s the real reason as to why matthew was upset? surely he didn’t punch me for no good reason,” jiwoong asked with a sad smile, his dark irises now barely visible from under his hooded eyelids as he looked up at you.

you sighed, sticking the washcloth under the water to soak the fabric once more, “he confessed his feelings to me a few weeks before everything between us happened. i told him i wasn’t ready for a relationship and that i would consider trying a relationship with him after we got out of here. then, you came, and now i feel differently.”

“do you feel anything different about us?” jiwoong’s question was softly spoken, a hint of worry laced in his words.

“no,” you cupped one of his cheeks and peered down fondly at him, “i definitely have a thing for you, there’s no need to be worried about that.”

a small, genuine smile - the complete opposite from his usual smirk - appeared on his plump lips. you finished wiping up the rest of the blood, finally revealing the full damage of what had been done just minutes before. deep purple bruises had already formed across his now crooked nose, which was horribly swollen and appeared sore to the touch.

he rose to his feet, pulling you into his chest, “that makes me feel a little better. but, y/n?” “hm?”

“try to fix things with matthew. i don’t want to see you two without each other.”

———

a few days passed and you never once crossed paths with your best friend. he avoided you at all costs and even quit his job in the garage, moving now to engineering. your heart ached every single day that you didn’t get to crack jokes with him. you had jiwoong to spend time with, of course, but a lot of it was still scrounging up the last bits of the plan before jiwoong could be taken in to be injected.

you were close to accepting the fact that you lost matthew as a friend entirely, but much to your surprise, he approached you during your lunch break, “can we talk?”

“of course,” you replied, almost a little too quickly, and gave jiwoong a knowing look before walking out into the hallway with matthew.

“i’ve done a lot of thinking,” matthew started, his fingers fumbling with the hem of shirt as the two of you walked, “and i miss you more than i ever thought i would.” you smiled softly to yourself, “i miss you too, matthew,” he opened his mouth to speak, but you held up a hand, completely silencing him before he could get a word out, “but i’m deeply upset you’d go as far as calling me a whore just because you were mad at me.”

his guilt-stricken expression was honestly enough of an apology from him, but you waited until he processed your words, finally stating, “i truly am so sorry for saying that. you know i’d never mean something like that and when i’m angry, it gets the best of me. it still doesn't make it okay.”

“i can forgive you this time,” you tell him seriously, your voice quiet, “but i need you to accept that i don't return your feelings.”

“i can do that,” he agreed almost instantly, though you could see a little bit of hurt flash in his eyes, “can we just put this whole thing behind us and start over?” 

“of course we can.” by now, you were almost back to the garage, but things didn’t feel content. matthew was tense beside you, anxious even, which caused you to crook an eyebrow up in his direction, “what’s wrong?”

“please don’t hate me… i know you will, but please, just let me explain.”

“matthew, tell me,” your voice was firm, but it hardly masked your own worry.

“i told the president about the plan,” he told you, his head hung low, “but i can explain.”

you were stunned into silence. you could feel your head begin to spin with the worst possible outcomes and you had to steady yourself against the wall beside you. you swallowed harshly, your voice cracking as you spoke, “when are they taking him?”

“i think sometime today. i needed to come and tell you before it was too late. i feel so guilty.”

“just as you fucking should,” you spat, panic fully setting in now. you pulled your i.d out of your pocket and hurriedly swiped it, throwing the door to the garage open. you bolted inside only to see that the boy you had grown so fond of was no longer seated at your workbench. tears sprung into your eyes and burned them relentlessly as you ran to the nearest person you saw.

“gunwook!” you yelled and upon hearing his name he turned to face you with a questioning glance, his eyes widening at your current state, “go get the others ready. they took jiwoong and the plan is going into effect today. once you get everyone loaded onto the rover wait until we come in.”

gunwook’s tools dropped to the floor with a clatter and he sprinted out of the garage without hesitating. you could feel your fingers begin to shake when you began to sort through the keys to the rovers in order to find the one you planned to use to escape. finally, you found it, chucking the small metal objects at matthew.

“make yourself useful and find the rover and start it. follow the plan. you’re lucky i’m even letting you come with us.”

you turned away from him and sprinted back out into the hallway, desperate to find jiwoong as quickly as you could before anything happened to him. your legs burned, fire licking up and down your calves as you ran, your breath ragged and your sight blurred from tears. 

you weren’t exactly sure what room he was in, but you kept your eyes peeled and looked into every single one you passed in hopes of somehow seeing jiwoong in one of them. you gained the attention of many as you bolted past them, but you didn’t care. the only thing on your mind was saving jiwoong and getting out of the place that had never been a home to you the whole time you lived there. you slid to a halt in front of room 0710, which was adorned only with one window to see inside. jiwoong was struggling against the restraints that bound him to the exam chair, a fine layer of sweat coating his forehead. 

you pounded on the door with your fist, desperate to get his attention - which, somehow you managed to - and met his gaze with your own. his eyes were wide with fear and you could feel tears dripping down your cheeks at the sight of him like that. you twisted at the door handle, but it wouldn’t budge. 

the room was empty aside from him, but you knew either the president or one of his minions would be inside to inject him with the mutation that was sitting on the table beside his chair. you were losing hope due to the race against time and the lock that was preventing you from getting inside.

a door from inside the room opened and a nurse stepped inside dressed in a full cover suit from head to toe. with a clipboard in her hand, she took a look at jiwoong before setting her things down and picking up the syringe that was carefully laid next to the vial of the mutation.

as a result of your panic, you began to bang on the door, seizing her attention because of the loud noise. she gave you a hateful glare, calling out, “what do you want?”

“the president sent me to get you, he needs your assistance immediately,” you easily lied, “he said it was super important.”

the nurse looked apprehensive, “i’m going to finish this first. besides, why would i believe the person whose parents blatantly defied our leader?”

“please, he really needs you now!”

she paid no mind to you as you lied once again, but instead, prepped jiwoong’s arm and stuck the needle in with little effort. she plunged the liquid into his body, to which he yelled out in pain as it coursed through his bloodstream, and you wept outside, weakly hitting the door again but to no avail.

you were too late. 

you needed to be strong because you needed to get him out regardless if he had been injected or not. thinking purely on adrenaline, you busted a nearby fire extinguisher out of its case and hit it against the door handle, which broke with the sheer force behind your hit, and pulled the door open quickly. the woman turned and looked at you, a look of disbelief in her eyes, “what are you doing?”

“saving someone who doesn't deserve whatever this is,” you spat, swinging the heavy red object at her. it hit her square on the head and her body crumpled to the floor in almost an instant. thankfully, she was unconscious as you stepped over her body.

you were by jiwoong’s side in an instant, “don’t worry, i’m still getting you out of here. we’ll navigate the side effects together somehow.”

“no, y/n, don’t worry about me. save yourself first,” jiwoong instantly replied.

you ignored his words, beginning to rummage around the room in search of a key to his restraints, and as you did so, you smiled to yourself as you fondly spoke, “no man left behind, no matter what, remember?”

“you're really something, huh?”

you hummed in response, finally finding the key inside one of the drawers and hurriedly unlocked the cuffs, your fingers trembling as you did so in hopes of being fast. you helped him out of the chair and ran back into the hallway, but you were greeted by a swarm of guards standing in your way to the garage. you swallowed harshly before you grabbed jiwoong’s hand and pulled him back into the exam room.

thanks to the map that gyuvin had made, you knew there was another way to get to the garage without having to go into the main hallway. however, as you began to run through each connected room, a few of the guards followed you, hot on your trail with each door you had to stop and open. 

you could feel your breathing burn in your chest while you continued to run, but pushed forward anyway. there was no time to lag, no time to falter, because one misstep would be the end for both of you. you neared the last door, bursting out into the hallway that was nearly empty and hurriedly digging through your pockets for your i.d.

your hands were shaky as you swiped it, bolting inside toward the rover where everyone else was seated, anxiously awaiting your return. You heard gunwook call, “here they come!”

“start driving,” you yelled, motioning for them to go, “they’re coming, we don’t have much time!”

the rover roared to life, whoever was driving accelerated the closer you got to the back of it. you secured your grip on one of the handles on the back, hoisting yourself up as best you could onto the moving vehicle, and held your hand out to jiwoong, who graciously took it and leaped up as well.

a loud crash was able to be heard and overhead pieces of the garage door began to rain down due to the impact of it being driven through. you watched, wide-eyed, as you passed by the president, his arms crossed across his chest as he stood nearby another vehicle, a look of pure anger dancing on his face. 

another rover followed closely behind your own, manned by one of the government officials, and you could feel your heart beating at a million miles a minute. you looked behind you to catch a glance of who was driving, dismayed to see it was matthew, before screaming, “how close are we to the forcefield?”

“i can see it now, i’m trying to go as fast as i can,” he called back, pressing on the gas pedal even further as if to prove his point.

shortly after, another loud, but electrifying, crash was heard, and you passed through the forcefield with ease. a sigh of relief washed over you as you watched the glowing blue dome close back up, preventing anyone else from passing through it for another good while. you laughed in delight, cheering with everyone else as matthew steered the rover toward freedom. 

the chill of the autumn air was a welcome relief as you stepped out of the building your classes were just in, your brain feeling like mush from the hour long info dump your professor had the nerve to call a ‘lecture.’ you hoisted your tote bag over your shoulder, deciding now was a better time than ever to start heading to your favorite coffee shop to get a little pick-me-up before your last class of the day was supposed to start.

the campus was alive with students, some speed walking to make it to classes on time, other laid out on picnic blankets with a book, and some meeting up with their friends for meals or games. you were grateful for your favorite coffee shop to be a little off the beaten path, tucked away just on the edge of campus away from all the hustle and bustle that usually remained in the central area. leaves crunched beneath your feet, making a melancholy melody with the deep sigh you allowed to puff past your lips.

classes had been taking a huge toll on you as you were nearing midterms. projects, tests, and other miscellaneous assignments seemed to pile up one after another and it made you feel like you were drowning. it was keeping you from spending time with your friends, but most importantly, it was keeping you from getting any rest throughout the night. the stress was eating you alive.

you hadn't really noticed the dark circles beginning to make a new home under your eyes until earlier in the week. you'd woken up in the middle of the night, couldn't fall back to sleep, and decided to splash some water on your face. at first you thought it was the shitty university lighting in the bathrooms doing you a great disservice, but once you returned to your room, you peered at your reflection again and were forced to sit back and take in how you truly looked.

you'd been putting on concealer in a desperate attempt to hide the deep purple, but it still didn't draw attention away from your slumped shoulders and heavy eyelids. you supposed it was better than nothing, but you were desperate for this round of stress to be over for a little while, if that were something even possible. your footsteps felt heavy as you approached the door to the coffee shop, the little bells overhead jingling to signal your arrival.

the aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled up your nostrils and you were grateful for the cozy atmosphere this place always had. you could feel yourself relax just a little bit, the tension in your shoulders easing only slightly. you set your bag down at your usual table, approaching the cash register while your eyes scanned the menu up above. you had been here countless times and usually settled on the same thing, but for some reason you wanted something stronger than usual, especially if you were going to make it through another long class.

“hey there, how can i help you?” the voice speaking to you was one you had never heard before, which caused your gaze to slide to him out of curiosity.

he had a notepad in hand and his name tag - which was attached to his apron rather haphazardly - read out gunwook. you definitely hadn't heard of him before, so you finally flicked your gaze up to his face, where you were greeted with the most genuine, bright smile you'd ever seen in your life. you felt your heartbeat quicken and butterflies flip flop in the pit of your belly. he was undoubtedly cute, and the complete opposite of yourself.

you blinked at him slowly, unsure of how to take all of this in, trying your best to get your brain to catch up with you. the boy - gunwook - tilted his head slightly to the side, smile never faltering, “did you need a little more time with the menu?”

“uh, no, i-” you stammered, unsure as to why you couldn't seem to form. coherent sentence, “sorry, i’ve just never seen you here before.”

“oh! are you a regular?”

you gave him a silent nod, the corners of your mouth twitching up ever so slightly as he continued his thought, his voice oddly soothing to you, “i just started earlier this week, my name is gunwook.”

“y/n,” you introduced yourself in return, finally looking back up at the menu, “can i get a nitro cold brew with an extra shot of espresso?”

gunwook whistled lowly at your order, scribbling it down on his notepad, “that's pretty strong. midterm stress i assume?”

“you have no idea,” you answered with a slight chuckle, though it sounded dead to your own ears.

he punched your order into the cash register and presented you with your total, which you paid for, and he assured you that your coffee would be brought out to you shortly. you hummed a thank you in response, sliding him the rest of your cash as a tip for being so kind to you, though he didn't know that was the reason. there was just something so compelling about him, something that lured you in from the moment you first laid eyes on him, and you weren't sure why.

but you surely weren't complaining, because although you didn't show it that well, his happiness was very much welcome in your space.

you slid into the booth where your table was, pulling your laptop out of your bag and immediately getting to work on one of your upcoming assignments. you wished so badly you could use this as a time to relax, de-stress, but you knew it would be best to tackle the mountain of work you still had left.

several minutes had passed by since you placed your order and you could feel the stress building up once more. you leaned forward onto your elbows, fingers digging into your hair frustratedly as you read over the instructions of the assignment for the millionth time. soon gunwook was approaching your table with your coffee in one hand and a plate with a blueberry muffin in the other.

you glanced up at him, shooting a grateful smile as he set your coffee down in front of you. however, the smile faltered when he slid the plate with the muffin in front of you too, your mouth moving faster than your brain, “i don't remember ordering a muffin. wait, did i?”

gunwook gave you a laugh, his eyes taking on the shape of crescents as he beamed that beautiful smile at you again, “it's on the house, hopefully eating something will give you a little more energy. good luck on your assignments!”

with that, he headed back behind the counter to take the next customer's order, leaving you with your mouth agape and the smell of the muffin wafting up to meet your nostrils. you glanced back over to gunwook, who caught your stare with a flash of smile before returning his attention to the cash register. you smiled back softly, grateful for such a kind gesture.

and he was right; eating did give you more energy.

the next few days were spent just like that; exhaustion consuming your entire body, your trek to the coffee shop being completed entirely on autopilot, and the cute barista slipping you free treats with your coffee as you studied your life away in your booth. you found yourself looking forward to seeing him, hearing his voice, listening to him laugh. you weren't sure if it was a small crush you were forming, or if it was the comfort of this new routine you had, but you found yourself just wanting to be in his presence.

which is exactly why when you walked in to see him not behind the counter with that radiant smile after a particularly hard class, you couldn't help but pout.

it was a barista you knew well, and you still greeted them with a fond smile, but the disappointment you felt weighing on your shoulders was hard to miss. you supposed it was only fair for him to have days off - he was a student after all - and studying was just as important as working. you heaved out a sigh, deciding to pull out your headphones and slip them over your head, your study playlist going on shuffle and your laptop open to the latest essay that could have made you walk into oncoming traffic.

you typed, deleted, and retyped the same paragraph for what felt like hours, trying to get some sort of creative juices flowing in your brain, but it just wasn't working. your frustration was building up the more you stared at the document in front of you, and before you knew it, you were slamming your laptop shut with a sigh and tears pricking the corners of your eyes. you began rummaging around in your bag, attempting to find a textbook for a different assignment you needed to complete, this time being greeted by gunwook sliding into the seat across from you, the smile you missed plastered onto his face.

he was in more casual clothes instead of his usual work uniform. jeans, a white shirt, and a thick cozy flannel adorned his body. in his hands were two plates, each one with a croissant on them. he slid one over to you, his voice filling you ears as he said, “thought you could use. pick-me-up.”

you smiled at the gesture - a real, genuine smile - a tear slipping down your cheek as you replied, “thank you.”

“hey, what's with the tears?” he inquired, gaze softening as studied your face, almost as if this was the first time he'd seen you so tired.

“classes really just have me stressed.”

he sat in silence for a moment, studying your disheveled state. you didn't bother with concealer today, so your dark circles were prominent beneath your eyes, your hair was tousled from running your hands through it constantly, and your entire posture was slumped in pure exhaustion. concern morphed onto his face for a heartbeat before it was replaced with a look of determination.

he pulled your bag over to him, taking the textbook from your hands and your laptop off the table and gently sliding them into your tote bag before asking, “do you have anymore classes today?”

“no,” you answered, confusion riddling your mind, “what on earth are you doing?”

“i’m taking you to go to do something fun so you can relax and forget about assignments for a little bit.”

despite your protests and attempts to spew reasons why you should really be doing work, gunwook ignored you and simply grabbed your hand, pulling you up from your seat and practically dragging you out of the coffee shop and to his car parked around the back. he purposely put your school bag out of reach in the back seat, a grin plastered on his face the entire time as he started his car and began heading to wherever it was he was taking you.

this started another new little routine for the two of you; him taking you somewhere everyday to force you to relax after spoiling you with your daily treat and that bright, burning energy you felt so drawn to. you were so grateful for the calm he brought you, the solace you felt whenever you were near him. sure, it'd only been a couple weeks of knowing him, but everything just felt so right, as if you'd been friends forever.

he felt it, too — a pull that seemed to have him wanting more time with you, a sadness that filled up his entire being when he dropped you off at your college apartment so you could get back to studying. it was a spark, but it was enough to get a little flame started faster than either of you could expect.

you hoped it would always be there.

“a toast!” gunwook exclaimed, holding up his shot glass to you with his beautiful smile on full display, “to making it through midterms!”

he’d drug you out to a bonfire a bunch of his friends were having as a celebration that midterms were finally over and you all were able to actually breathe. you could have cried when you submitted your final assignment and felt the weight of the world vanish entirely from your shoulders. you’d almost instantly agreed to come with him, because you did deserve to celebrate, but you didn't realize how torturous it would be on your heart.

because to say you'd definitely developed feelings for gunwook was an understatement.

when he’d picked you up from his apartment, you weren't expecting him to look that good. it was nothing crazy, just a pair of jeans and a flannel, but it made your stomach somersault nonetheless. and now that he'd had alcohol in his system, his cheek were flushed a rosy red, a slight sheen of sweat glistening across his forehead, and his hair messy from running his hand through it so many times.

you beamed back at him, clinking your own shot glass with his, “to making it through midterms.”

you pressed the glass to your lips and tilted your head back, downing the clear liquid in one fell swoop. the sting of the alcohol in your throat only lasted a minute before it made you feel warm, pleasant against the chilly night air. the two of you sat side by side for a while, shoulders brushing ever so slightly, eyes focused on the dancing flames of the bonfire. every touch felt electric to you, and while you fought so hard to fight against it, you decided to make a move.

you rested your head against gunwook’s shoulder, your heart pounding in your chest as you did so. you swallowed the lump in your throat, murmuring, “thank you for taking care of me when i was so stressed out. it means more than you'll ever know.”

instead of feeling him try to pull away, or his shoulders tense, you felt his head rest atop yours, his body inching slightly closer to yours, thighs now touching. he chuckled quietly, a sound you knew you could never get sick of, and said, “it's been my pleasure. can't let the prettiest person i know overwork themselves.”

your eyes widened at his statement, your breath hitching in your throat, and you swore your heart was about to explode.

you felt the warmth of his head against yours leave, instead replaced by the brush of his fingers against your jaw, urging you to look up at him. you did so, gaze flitting to meet his warm stare, an almost unreadable expression on his face. finally, he parted his lips to speak, voice only audible for the two of you to hear despite the constant chatter going on around you.

“i like you, y/n. a lot.”

you couldn't suppress the grin that broke out across your face, resting your hand on gunwook’s arm, “i like you too, wookie.”

while it was a simple confession, it was more than enough. it was hard to miss the sparkle in gunwook’s eyes, or the way he peered down at your lips, almost as if asking for permission. you nodded, leaning just a smidge closer, indicating that it was okay, and he wasted no more time. your mouths molded together perfectly, and you swore you could feel fireworks lighting off around you. was this what the movies were talking about? or was it just because it was gunwook?

you didn't really care. all you knew was that everything felt so right. your eyes fluttered closed and you allowed yourself to relish in the moment, the feeling of him, the taste of him. because it was so perfect, more than you could ever ask for. when he finally pulled away, the dopey smile on his face was one that made your belly do something funny, and you couldn't help but return the grin.

“i’m glad you came into the coffee shop that day.”

i.

“y/n, wake up!” the deep slumber you were in felt as if it didn’t last very long due to the familiar voice of one of your best friends, taerae, shaking you awake.

you groaned, stirring around beneath your covers, swatting his hands away from you, “what, taerae? i was sleeping so good.”

“that’s not really important right now,” his voice was hushed, a hint of anxiety laced within his words. it was extremely unlike him, and within mere seconds you were opening your eyes and staring at him, sitting up from your cocoon, brows furrowed in concern, “what's wrong?” you asked, observing him as he began rummaging through your bags hanging on the back of your bedroom door.

he tossed your largest backpack at you, “we need to go, within the next few minutes, actually. pack only the essentials.”

“why?” you inquired, swinging your legs over the edge of the bed and touching your feet to the chilly hardwood floors. you were greeted with silence, trying to get your tired brain to catch up with taerae’s actions of grabbing some of your personal hygiene products and tossing them on the bed next to you. 

you become frustrated with the boy, snapping, “taerae, what is going on? you can't just barge in here and tell me to pack some of my shit and then not tell me why.”

he stopped dead in his tracks, shoulders tense and a sigh slipping past his lips. he turned to face you, the fear he was feeling clear on his expression now. you searched his face for anything that might be an indicator of what it was, but the words he uttered were something you never expected, “there was just a nationwide announcement broadcasted on the tv that said the most recent round of flu shots contained a nasty string of some virus in it and it's mutating in people’s genes,” he explained, “the people who got it are going crazy and freaking out on everyone around them. biting them, clawing at their skin, swallowing whatever bits of flesh they can get their hands on. it's complete madness. they want everyone to travel to some hospital a few hours north of here.”

you couldn't help the way your jaw fell slack at his gruesome words. people eating other people? there was no way this was happening. you were surely dreaming, or taerae was pulling your leg and taking it a little too far; it wouldn't be the first time he's done something like this during your time being friends with him. you shook your head, balling up one of your shirts and chucking it at him, “stop fucking with me, dude. i can't believe you woke me up for this.”

“i’m being dead serious, y/n,” the bewilderment in his eyes and the nervous bobbing of his adam’s apple was hard to miss, “ask hanbin if you're really that skeptical. you know he would never seriously joke about something like this.” he took your backpack from your hand and began shoving things inside of it, motioning for you to seek out hanbin and find out for yourself. 

you pushed past him and out into the hallway, feet padding gently against the floor into the living room where the television was quietly humming in the background. you focused your attention on that, snagging the remote from the coffee table and turning the volume up. on the screen was your local news channel, an anchor braving what seemed to be utter chaos behind them. 

/reporting to you live from the streets of atlanta. since the news of the virus outbreak, madness has struck the city. people are in a frenzy, desperate to get out and find some sort of safety. it is highly advised you form a group with whoever you are near now and leave as soon as you can. i will provide you with more updates as they com-/

before the reporter could finish her sentence, someone came barreling up behind them, snapping their neck cleanly. you watched in horror as the reporter’s body crumpled to the ground and the culprit followed suit, crawling on his hands and knees to get to the exposed flesh of their neck. the culprit sniffed deeply before he began ripping their throat out, blood pooling near their head and their face quickly becoming unrecognizable. the look in the culprit’s eyes was nothing short of evil and you felt as if you were going to vomit just watching. 

“y/n, there you are!” the sound of hanbin's panicked voice caused a wave of fear to course through your veins. you yelped in surprise, quickly whipping around to face him, taking in his expression, a backpack of his own secured on his back not going unnoticed by you. 

this was real. and it was serious.

you felt tears well up in your eyes at the sight of him, still digesting what you had just witnessed on the television. he glanced over at the screen, catching a look for himself, and was quick to shut it off so you didn't have to see anymore. he approached you gently, but you were quick to cling to him, desperate to be grounded, to have a sense of security after being woken up to such intense news. you felt his arms envelope you in an embrace, his hands cupping the back of your head as you whispered, “i’m terrified, hanbin.”

“i know,” he consoled, trying his best to keep his voice steady, “i am too, but we can't let that control us right now. we have to be logical and level headed. let’s go find taerae and get out of here.”

you nodded, pulling away from him, feeling your heartbeat speed up in your chest at the way he wiped your tears away, the softest of smiles on his face. he tilted his head in the direction of your bedroom, and you followed behind him, shaking your head at yourself. now was /not/ the time for you to be dwelling on the crush you developed on him. at this point, you weren't sure if there would ever be a time, but you were hardly worried about it. 

you entered back into your bedroom, having seen taerae was almost finished with packing your backpack full of things. you thanked him quietly and apologized for freaking out on him a few minutes prior, earning a small smile from him in return, “i understand why you didn't believe me at first, so it's really okay.”

“so what’s the plan?” you asked, now taking the bag from taerae’s grasp and slinging it over your shoulders. 

“i suppose we attempt to get wherever they're saying to go,” hanbin answered. you looked outside of your window, catching a glimpse of the chaos a few streets over, a cynical laugh erupting from your lungs, “looks like that’ll be easier said than done.”

the three of you made a collective decision to at least try, because maybe you'd be guaranteed safety that way. you stayed clustered together tightly upon exiting the house through the front door, every sense on high alert as you kept your eyes peeled out for anyone you suspected might be infected by the virus. you felt as if your heart was in your throat, adrenaline coursing through your veins in a way it never had before. 

you slunk to taerae's suv, opening the doors to get in as quietly as you could muster, though you knew it would be harder to keep its old doors from squeaking too loudly. you hopped in quickly, desperate to get out of there and to a place where you wouldn't have to fear so much, and hopefully live in peace until this entire thing blew over. 

out of habit, taerae shut the door loudly, and the panic that sank to the pits of your stomachs was enough for taerae to kick it into high gear and speed out of your neighborhood as fast as he could. loud, gutteral shrieks from infected chasing after the car could be heard – the sound was unmistakable. you tried your hardest to keep your head down, to not look, because you genuinely felt like you'd throw up at any given moment.

but your efforts were cut short from the sounds of the tires screeching and taerae yelling, your gaze flicking up to see a body toppling over the hood of the car, blood splattering on the windshield and oozing from their mouth from where they'd likely just gotten done devouring someone. silence hung thickly in the air, the three of you processing everything that just happened.

“i just ki-”

taerae’s words were drowned out by the sound of you wretching in the back seat.

ii.

you never made it to the hospital. there was far too much chaos, and by the time you’d made it to a gas station, everyone had used up every last drop trying to top off before they drove up there. the three of you ended up having to completely abandon taerae’s suv, and despite the sheer amount of infected surrounding you, somehow, you survived. 

your new routine had been set in place for quite some time now. find a shelter, scavenge for supplies, and repeat for a couple weeks. then afterward, you would relocate. it was really the most you could do, considering every place you deemed worthy to make a hideout ended up being overtaken by more infected than you could usually handle. you were getting pretty sick of constantly having to move around, having no stability.

you missed life before the outbreak.

it took weeks for you to adjust to seeing so much blood, or having to kill infected who hadn't completely rotted away, some eerily intact despite the virus taking hold. it took an even longer time to adjust to /killing/. it was never something you imagined you would ever have to do in your life, but by now, about a year and a half later since the outbreak, you were immune to it and it didn't bother you anymore. regardless, you still longed for the days where all you did was complain about work and bills. 

having taerae and hanbin around made things a lot easier; especially hanbin. he naturally assumed the role of leader within your small group, and even more so if you had others tagging along with you. but just barely a week ago the last person of a group of about 5 you came across got bit and succumbed to the infection, leading to a huge scare of taerae potentially getting infected himself. thankfully, he wasn't, but the prospect of losing either of them to the virus made you feel nauseous. 

your tasks for each day were split up so none of you experienced extreme amounts of burnout. some days were dedicated solely to rest, though all three of you felt incredibly guilty when you did that. at any given moment, you could be attacked. or not have enough to eat. or even die. one thing you all had learned the hard way was that you were never guaranteed to live through an entire day. 

which led you to your current situation of trying to sneak around a nearby general store in hopes of finding some sort of supplies with taerae while hanbin protected the house you were currently inhabiting. since losing the last of your new group, you often found yourself wishing you could have at least a few more people so nobody was left alone. knowing that hanbin was currently by himself made you uneasy, especially since he couldn’t defend himself against more than two or three infected, or even other people, at once. you shook the thoughts plaguing your mind away; there was no time to think about things like that.

besides, you knew hanbin would be fine. he always was.

you gripped your knife tightly in your hand, allowing your eyes to constantly scan the aisles while you were searching through boxes in hopes of finding anything you could use. you had come to this place a couple of times since settling down a couple weeks ago, but it was nearly empty now. your food supply was running out at an alarming rate and there was only so much you could ration between the three of you before you would inevitably starve. 

the moment you came across anything that was edible, you could have cried. it was the millionth can of beans you had come across since you’d been traveling and you were tired of them being the main component of your diet. it was no wonder it was some of the only food left no matter where you went. people still hated beans, even in the midst of an apocalypse.

you carefully stepped over large chunks of broken glass to avoid making too much noise so you could stand next to taerae, who was dejectedly kicking around some garbage that was of no use to any of you. smiling sadly, you asked, “have you found anything?”

“not really, no,” he answered, “i think another group of people came through here and took a bunch of supplies we had seen when we were fighting that mob last week. bastards.”

you knew how frustrated taerae was getting with unsuccessful supply runs. admittedly, you were feeling the same way. it was hard not to have a temper. but, you were actively trying to make sure you didn’t let it crush your spirits too much. if you did, you knew that it would not only bring your motivation to keep searching down, but it would take a toll on everyone else around you as well. that was the last thing you needed, especially since things were looking more and more grim each day.

“have you found anything?” he asked.

you sighed, “other than a couple cans of beans and a box of cold medicine, i haven’t come across anything worthwhile.”

taerae softly whined, and for a minute, you thought he might throw a tantrum, “why does everyone leave only beans? that’s been our diet for what feels like an eternity.”

“i know, but be glad we find anything at all. it’s better than nothing,” taerae huffed in annoyance, but ultimately agreed with your sentiment.

you followed taerae out of the store, careful not to let the door slam shut behind you. making one loud, uneccessary noise would more than likely lead to your deaths, and that wasn’t particularly something you were looking for by any means. you both refused to leave hanbin on his own. you were doubtful he could survive alone, especially if he were to encounter a lot of infected at one time.

there was nobody who was capable of that.

you set off down the road toward your current hideout. night time was creeping up on the two of you, and while you were sure the you could take on a small group of infected together, you knew you couldn’t handle any more than that. you peered over to your partner, taking note of the sour expression adorning his features, and nudged him playfully, “a little success is better than nothing at all, you know.”

“i do,” he attempted to fight the smile creeping at the corners of his mouth, “maybe you’re just bad luck. every time i go on a run with hanbin, we always find so much.”

“hey!” you exclaimed with a light laugh.

taerae shrugged, a small chuckle emitting from his lungs, “you didn’t deny it.”

you fell into a comfortable silence, the only audible sound being your boots thudding against the pavement. you felt a shiver course down your spine; this would be your second time going through this apocalypse in the winter months. it was hard to ignore the fact that it was starting to get icy out and the wind was cutting right through your thin jacket and down to your bones. you leaned a little closer into taerae, who was practically grinning from ear to ear as you did so.

“i take it you’re cold?” though he was teasing you, his arm instinctively wrapped around your shoulders. you nuzzled closer into the boy’s side, soaking up any bit of warmth he radiated from underneath his hoodie.

“no, i’m sweating buckets,” you sarcastically remarked, completely unable to mask your playful smile, “i’m actually freezing. and i think it’s starting to rain.”

taerae tilted his head up toward the sky, his dark eyes scanning the darkening gray clouds overhead. he audibly sighed, and you took note of the cold droplets of water starting to fall on top of your head and seep into your clothes. he turned to you, “we’re only a couple blocks away from the house, let’s just pick up the pace. we don’t want our asses to get mauled by infected when we’re almost back.”

you nearly stopped dead in your tracks at the sound. it was almost as if taerae was psychic sometimes, and you were hoping like hell you were just hearing things. a deep, throaty growl sounded off behind you once more, and when you turned your head to look, your eyes widened at the sight of a mob forming behind you. you supposed that this was to be expected, especially considering it had grown darker a lot sooner than it normally did, but it still put fear in your heart. 

taerae gently urged you forward, “we need to go, now!”

even if the size of the mob was manageable, it certainly did not mean the two of you should take it on. the moment you were to do that, more were likely to start showing up and you would be doomed. taerae grabbed your hand as the two of you began to sprint, his grip on you preventing you from falling any further behind from your slight lack of speed. the rain had become heavier the closer you got to your hideout, skewing any good amount of vision you were hoping to have between your hair plastering to your skin and the weather limiting how far ahead you could see in front of you.

you cursed the month of december; it had always been one of your least favorite months, even before the outbreak, but now it was definitely taking the top spot for your most hated. ice had already begun to form on the road and sidewalks of the neighborhood and your boots were no longer gripping to anything. an intense jolt of pain shot through your knee the moment you lost your balance and smashed it into the pavement. you inhaled a sharp breath, struggling to regain your footing as taerae stopped to help pull you up. 

“they’re getting closer! come on, y/n, we’re only a few houses away!” 

you pushed your legs to keep going, no matter how much your knee was throbbing or your muscles felt like they were on fire. you desperately searched your surroundings in hopes of finding some sort of familiarity, and the moment you saw hanbin standing in the living room window of your hideout, you felt a wave relief wash over you. 

taerae pulled you up the front steps of the porch, making sure you got inside before he did, and kicking an infected back into the crowd and following you so it couldn’t force its way inside. hanbin slammed the door and locked the deadbolt the moment he was able to. your legs felt like jello and there was no mistaking the heavy breathing of taerae as he was hunched over, tossing his bag onto the ground. 

“did it get you?” hanbin sounded frantic as he shoved taerae’s right pant leg up, eyes scanning every inch of his skin for a mark of any kind left by the infected he had kicked back.

taerae scowled, shoving the older boy away from him with a smirk, “of course not. i would have felt it,” his gaze softened at hanbin’s solemn gaze, “i’m okay, don’t worry.”

hanbin nodded, his eyes flickering over to your hobbling frame as you attempted to make your way to the old couch you had been sleeping on since being in the house. you winced the moment you put any pressure on that knee, though, and within mere seconds hanbin had his arm snaked around your waist to help you get to your destination easier. 

you sat down, exhaling a shaky breath as you rolled up your own pant leg. your entire knee was already beginning to form a deep purple bruise and blood seeped from the small scrape that you figured you would have. you gingerly poked around the wound, mentally cursing yourself for losing your footing in the first place. 

“y/n took a pretty hard fall out there, i’m surprised they didn’t shatter their kneecap,” taerae spoke up.

a look of concern contorted hanbin’s face, “are you going to be able to function okay?” 

“i don’t know,” you truthfully replied, “i think i can as long as i nurse it or have some sort of support. i also think it would be best if we leave and try to find another shelter somewhere, we’ve definitely overstayed our welcome here.”

taerae scoffed, “are you out of your mind? there’s absolutely no way you can travel with your knee like that, let alone fight off any infected.”

“as much as i hate to admit it, i think y/n is right,” hanbin said, “besides, we’ve wiped out everything nearby that could possibly have usable supplies. there’s no way we can survive on what little we have until y/n is fully healed up.”

“not to mention, it seems like more and more infected are showing up around you here,” you added.

your gaze locked with taerae, who looked as if he could explode at any given moment. you knew he had the best of intentions, but it was crucial you left at dawn. sighing, you reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it in reassurance and muttering, “i’ll be okay, i promise. i can hold my own and as long as we wrap my knee up well, i’ll be able to walk normally. you know i wouldn’t say any of this if i didn’t think i could do it.”

taerae finally nodded in agreement, though his expression remained menacing as his eyes flickered between both you and hanbin.

“we better get some rest, we leave the moment the sun rises.”

iii.

it had been a couple of days since the three of you had set out from your hideout. to say you were exhausted was an understatement; you hadn’t found a shelter worthwhile to stay in, so you had to make camp in the most closed off spaces you could, usually in the woods. you hardly slept; it was far too cold to stay asleep for very long at all and if you did manage to get a couple hours in, you felt worse when you woke up.

you had to eat your supply of beans straight from the can because you had no way to cook them. scarfing them down wasn’t exactly ideal, and you dealt with taerae whining about it the most out of all of you. but, food was food, and you were lucky enough to have what you did. 

“if this map is correct,” hanbin interrupted the silence as the three of you continued walking down the same road you had set foot on, “this road should take us to the next town a couple miles out from where we are now.”

you felt a pang of excitement hit you, “maybe we’ll find better food there.”

“and somewhere a little more warm to sleep,” taerae added, the eagerness in his voice hard to ignore.

hanbin nodded, “we could probably make it there today if we keep up the pace we are,” he turned to look at you, “can you do that with your knee?”

truthfully, your knee felt like it was going to give out on you at any given moment. hanbin did the best he could with the little supplies you had to stabilize it enough so it didn’t hurt when you walked. it worked for the first day and half, but ever since your last stop to try and sleep, it’s been in an excruciating amount of pain. 

you still assured the two with a smile anyway, “i’ll be fine, i promise.”

as the three of you continued your journey, you couldn’t help but feel like every inch of your body was going numb. being out in the cold for the amount of time you had been was definitely not good for any of you, especially since the jackets you had were suitable only for autumn-like weather. snow had begun piling up on the first day of traveling, making things even more slick beneath your boots and the chill in the air to cut through every measly layer of clothing you adorned. 

you just hoped that hanbin was right about the town. for everyone’s sake.

— — —

“there’s a stream not too far from here, i’ll go and get some water while you change y/n’s bandages.”

hanbin was currently kneeling on the ground in front of you, teeth gritted together as he tried to keep from shivering too much while he focused on the task at hand, “just hurry back.”

with that, taerae set off into the woods where the stream could be seen from where your spot on a tree stump, his boots crunching the snow beneath them. one of the only perks about winter was being able to see through the usually dense areas a lot easier. 

you sighed, frustrated with yourself, “i’m sorry for setting us back.”

hanbin shook his head, “you don’t have to apologize, i know you wouldn’t ask to stop for the day if you were feeling okay.”

“maybe you should just leave me for the infected, i’m more of a burden right now than anything,” you half-joked, one corner of your mouth raising in a smile.

however, the boy in front of you didn’t find it to be very funny. his frown deepened and he locked his dark eyes with yours and grabbed your hand, his fingers chilled to the bone, and a seriousness radiating from his body, “i will never, ever leave you behind, even if it costs me my life. okay?” 

“the same will always go for you,” you squeezed his hand reassuringly. you would be an idiot if you didn’t admit the small smile he gave in return made your belly do backflips or the feeling of his hand in yours made you warm up just a little bit.

hanbin taped the remaining bandage together the best he could before rolling your pant leg down, careful not to roll his hard work down with the fabric of your jeans. you mumbled a thank you, standing up to make sure it was still secure and once you gave him a thumbs up, hanbin rose to his feet as well. 

by now, taerae made his way back to the two of you, extending the canteen of cool water out to you. taking it graciously, you took a few good sips before passing the object to hanbin. 

“what’s the plan now?” taerae inquired, scanning the brush around you in an attempt to find somewhere to set up camp for the night. 

hanbin shrugged, “maybe we should wait until morning to finish the hike to the convenience store. it’s almost dark now and i would hate to travel and have that be what kills us,” both you and taerae nodded in agreement. 

you parted your lips to speak, “let’s find somewhere to rest then, we have a long night ahead of us.”

— — — 

you desperately clung to hanbin and taerae, craving warmth more than ever. you were to the point now that moving hurt from how cold your entire body was. the small fire you had going earlier in the evening had to be put out before you slept so it didn't attract more infected that you wanted, so it was exponentially more difficult than any of your previous nights on the road or inside an abandoned home. 

morning began to break through the clouds in the sky, your surroundings illuminated by the dim light it provided to you. the snow glimmered all around you, and bad you not been freezing your ass off, you would have found it beautiful.  hanbin began to stir next to you, uttering a quiet, “did you get any sleep?”

“barely,” you mumbled back, taking note of the way taerae was snoring on your other side, sleeping soundly as if he wasn't on the frigid, hard ground in the middle of winter. you envied him, because no matter where you were, he was somehow able to sleep at least a few hours. 

hanbin lowly chuckled, “me either, but i’m glad to see it's going well for him.”

you peered up at hanbin through your lashes, taking in the gash just to the side of his right eye that was still healing from an encounter with a hostile group of survivors a few weeks ago. you reached up to touch it, gently tilting his head sideways to get a better look at it. you informed him, “it’s healing really well, i don't think the scar will be all that noticeable.”

“good, i’m glad,” he replied, and you missed the way his eyes followed you as you flipped around on your other side to begin rustling taerae awake. truthfully, you turned away because you were scared hanbin would catch on to the feelings you still somehow possessed for him, but waking taerae was also just as important. 

taerae grunted as he woke up, surprise evident in his face; almost as if he were worried something bad was happening, but when he realized it was just you, he relaxed almost immediately. “what time is it?” he asked, and you glanced down at the watch you adorned on your wrist, replying, “just barely after six.”

your morning was pretty relaxed after that. you took your time waking up and even managed to get another fire going so you could defrost yourselves before trekking back out into the snow toward your destination. your knee was feeling a lot better since taking a break and you were able to comfortably walk on it without needing some kind of support from either hanbin or taerae. 

your relaxation and bliss of the fire were quickly replaced with dread and hatred toward the cold as you trudged toward the town you were looking for. you still felt better, and your knee was much easier to walk on than previously, so you knew you'd at least be able to make it there while there was still daylight.

a soft gasp erupted from the boy on your right “what’s that up there?” the glee laced in taerae’s voice was hard to ignore upon him catching sight of gas pumps and the building next to them. 

you squinted to catch a better glimpse and couldn’t help the grin tugging at either corner of your mouth, “i think we’re here!”

hanbin chuckled, “you two sound like you’re arriving somewhere for a field trip.”

you nudged him slightly, the three of you unknowingly picking up your paces in pure excitement. you pulled out your weapons upon getting closer to the gas station, eyes and ears fully alert for any potential threats surrounding the area – infected or not. 

taerae extended his arm, quietly pulling the door open and holding his gun up in front of him as he walked inside. you were the next one inside with hanbin following up the rear, and once you were able to see that there was no imminent danger inside any of the rooms, you put your weapons away.

the sight you were greeted with was enough to almost bring the three of you to tears. there was at least four shelves of food and supplies that hadn’t been touched yet, which was extremely rare to come by at the point you were in with the apocalypse. 

“this has been well worth the wait,” taerae piped up, tossing a box of crackers, a package of hot dogs, and a few bottles of water into his backpack, “we finally don’t have to eat stupid fucking beans anymore.” 

“and we don’t have to hear you complain about it,” the eldest boy teased, mimicking the younger’s actions as he got a feel for everything there was to offer. 

you headed toward the back room, flicking the light on only to be greeted with a few makeshift mattresses the people here previously had left. you searched the drawers of the desk off to your right, greeted with a pad of paper and a pen as well as a few other items you found to be useful to the group. 

you tossed everything into your backpack and put it to the side, opting to tidy up the beds so everything was neatly arranged and each of the three of you had a spot to sleep. The padding on the floor was much softer than you expected it to be and you almost screeched in excitement when you stumbled upon a closet filled with thick coats. 

as you finished pulling them out of the closet, the other two were entering the room with grins adorning their faces. taerae saw you struggling to hold all the coats at once and came forward to help you, laughing at your misfortune when you dropped pretty much all of them on the floor. 

without a word, you began going through them and found ones in your sizes or at least close to them, sighing in content at the feeling of warmth they gave you once you slipped them on. you closed the door to the office, settling down onto the mattresses with the other two.

“do we want to stay here for a little bit before we head out again? or do we want to try and find a house?” hanbin asked, finally breaking the silence between the three of you and the analytical part of his brain speaking for him. 

you leaned back against the wall, your eyes trained on the ceiling, “i would be okay with either one. right now we’re at least guaranteed shelter, even if it’s only for a couple of days.”

“maybe we can stay for three or four days and see if we can find a house nearby,” taerae suggested. you all nodded, deciding that was the best plan you could come up with. 

you were just glad to have something go your way for once.

iv.

you stirred around on your spot on the floor, groggily coming out of one of the best sleeps you’ve had in months. you felt deliciously warm, sandwiched in between both taerae and hanbin, who were also just beginning to wake up. 

you smiled to yourself, propping your body up onto your elbow as your eyes scanned the area around you. it almost felt too good to be true, striking the jackpot with so much in one day. it was very rare the group of you ever had more than enough food to survive for a week, especially if there was more people with you, and here you were with everything you could have ever hoped for. you felt extremely grateful.

“why the hell are you up so early?” taerae groaned, flipping his arm over to look at the time on his watch before he covered his head with a pillow.

you chuckled at him, voice a hushed whisper so you didn't wake hanbin, who was still sleeping peacefully, “i don't know, i just couldn't sleep anymore.”

taerae huffed loudly before eventually sitting up, his hair tangled and messy and eyes still shut as he gained his bearings back. finally, he looked at you, playfully annoyed, and said, “i suppose you and i can rummage around for some more stuff while hanbin rests for a little longer. he never gets enough and he seems to actually be into a deep sleep.”

you peered over at the boy fondly, taking note of his soft snores and slightly agape mouth. taerae was right, and you did everything you could to be quiet before you left. you wrote a quick note on the pad of paper you found the previous day and left it where you slept so hanbin could easily find it if he woke up and you were still gone. 

you followed taerae out of the office, careful to not close the door too loudly just in case any infected had wandered in overnight. you seemed to be in the clear, and almost welcomed the crisp morning air as it hit your face and filled your lungs. there were a few other buildings nearby, abandoned cars as well, so you decided to scope them out and see what they had to offer. 

as you rummaged through a bag on the ground near one of the vehicles, taerae’s straightforward question caught you off guard, “are you ever going to tell hanbin that you like him?”

you were baffled, to say the least. you glanced up at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, before you finally managed to spit out, “that is not what i was expecting to talk about while we did this.”

“that's not an answer to my question,” taerae teased.

“no shit, sherlock,” you sarcastically remarked, deciding to keep a box of matches you'd found in that bag. you pondered his question before you answered him as you rose to your feet, avoiding eye contact and feeling yourself begin to blush, “i don't know, i mean, we’re in the middle of an apocalypse, i don't think it's the right time.”

“is there ever going to be a right time?”

his question made your mind start reeling. of course you'd /thought/ about telling hanbin, but you didn't want to ruin your friendship and most certainly didn't want to make things awkward considering you had to be around him until you either died and split off in your own ways. you thought he was way out of your league, anyway. there was no way he would ever like you back. you finally looked at taerae, a smug grin plastered on his face, and you stuck your tongue out, “quit being an ass.”

“y/n has a crush~” he sing-songed, skipping in annoying little circles around you and poking your sides annoyingly. you crossed your arms over your chest, giving taerae a blank stare until he stopped in front of you, his smile even wider now “you're blushing.”

you smacked his arm, earning a yelp from him, and hastily said, “no i’m not, it's just freezing out here.”

the two of you kept rummaging around, and after several minutes, taerae had done eerily quiet. you knew he was probably scheming something, because even amidst hell on earth, he always found a way to pull fast ones on you and hanbin. you shook your head, mentally preparing yourself for whatever it was he decided to do. 

but nothing came, and you were beginning to get worried. you had your upper body inside of another car, legs still dangling outside, after seeing one of the windows rolls down, and you were trying your best to grab onto a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the passenger seat. you desperately lunged for it, but to no avail. you decided to see if you could find taerae and make sure he was still alive and breathing. 

you attempted to shimmy your way backward out of the car, and felt panic set deep in your stomach at the feeling of something grabbing at your ankles. you tried like crazy not scream, but frantically began kicking in an attempt to get the infected off of you. a growl was able to be heard as it pulled you the rest of the way out the car, but you were able to get leverage and fully kick it off of you. turning around, you reached for your knife on your holster, fully prepared to kill it, but stopped with your hand gripping the handle upon seeing taerae standing behind you, mocking an infected far too well. 

“damn it, taerae!” you exclaimed, whacking him on the chest with your hand, “i could have killed you!”

he pointed menacingly, “but you didn't.”

“having fun out there?” the sound of hanbin’s voice broke the two of you out of your bickering, heads turning to see him leaning against the door frame of the gas station convenience store, a small smile curling up the corners of his lips, “looks like he got you good, y/n.”

you groaned in annoyance, “i can't believe you saw that,” you pushed taerae for good measure, “and you thought it was funny.”

hanbin shrugged, laughing along with you, “what can i say, i love a good prank when i see it.”

v.

you continued this little escapade at the gas station for a few days, more because the office was much warmer than outside and less because there was a plethora of supplies. all of the surrounding buildings ended up being a bust, completely ransacked before you even got there. thankfully you had the gas station, but it was only a matter of time before you would have to relocate. again. 

the three of you were sat in the office on the foam pieces you'd been using to sleep on, looking at the map smoothed out in front of you to determine your next route. you pointed to a small town north of where you were, but before you could say anything about it, you were pulled from your thoughts at the sound of voices and rummaging out in the main area of the building. you turned to the other two, eyes wide in panic, “do you hear that?” 

“yeah,” taerae was already moving to get up, his hand reaching for his gun placed on the desk beside him, “it sounds like people are trying to take our shit.”

“taerae, don’t” hanbin attempted to stop the younger boy from leaving the room, but his words went through one ear and out the other. his impulsivity never failed to amaze you. 

you sighed, shaking your head as he opened up the door, completely giving away your location to whatever was out in the main lobby. you rose to your feet as well, quick to follow him out and grab his hand in a futile attempt to pull him back and keep him from going on an unintentional murder spree. 

you were greeted by the bewildered gazes of a couple of boys, both very obviously malnourished and freezing, hands up in the air upon seeing taerae’s gun pointed at them. the boy in front of you two spoke up, subconsciously moving in front of the other one in a means to protect him from any harm.

“we aren't infected, i swear, we’re no threat to you,” his voice held both confidence and fear at the same time. you felt your gaze soften at their petrified expressions. 

you heard a harsh slap. “ow!” taerae exclaimed, turning around to face the eldest in your group, who had a grin on his face. taerae's hand gingerly rubbing the back of his head. 

he looked at the others, “you’ll have to excuse him, he can be a bit of a dickhead at times.”

you shoved taerae’s arm down, preventing him from holding the two at gunpoint any longer. he defeatedly sighed, tucking the weapon away into his pocket. he gave hanbin a scowl before muttering, “sorry.”

“that’s okay,” the taller boy spoke up, “we apologize for intruding, but we haven’t been able to eat for three days now and we were just happy to find supplies.”

“take whatever you want,” hanbin motioned to the shelves in front of them, a kind, gentle smile causing his eyes to take the shape of tiny crescents.

“thank you,” the boy opened up his bag, “i’m gunwook, by the way,” he motioned to the boy standing next to him, ”and this my brother, gyuvin.”

he smiled, giving a small wave, “nice to meet you.”

“nice to meet you too. i’m hanbin, and these are my friends taerae and y/n,” hanbin replied. he seemed almost giddy that you’d come across more people to speak and potentially form a group with. 

you cleared your throat, pointing your thumb at the office, “you guys look like you’re freezing, we found some coats if you want some.”

a wave of relief washed over gyuvin, “yes please, this is all we’ve had since winter started creeping up. i’m surprised we haven’t gotten frostbite yet.”

you led him back into the room you slept in, opening up the closet door to reveal the remaining coats. you helped him find his size, and when he couldn't zip it up from how stiff his fingers were, you did it for him, smiling at him afterward. gyuvin smiled back, but it held a hint of sadness. you didn't want to inquire why, especially since you’d just met them. 

he sifted through them and picked out one for gunwook. “thank you so much, really,” he sounded more grateful than you had felt when you first found them, “i’ve been really worried about what would happen the deeper we get into winter.”

“it’s not a problem. we weren’t going to use them anyway,” you looked at him as you began walking back to the rest of the group, “are you just passing through or finding somewhere to stay?” 

gyuvin made eye contact with his brother, as if he were scared to say anything, but gunwook gave him a nod of approval. he parted his lips to speak, facing the entire group, “we’re actually headed to seattle.”

“for what?” taerae inquired, brows furrowed in thought, “from what i’ve heard, it’s a dead city.”

gunwook chimed in, “a few people we met not too long ago told us they were going out to try and find others to bring back to this community they’ve built and sent us on our way. apparently they have a farm, horses, and a lot more supplies than people like us could ever hope to have,” he seemed so hopeful at the prospect of so many resources. 

“if you want, you guys can come with us. it would probably be a lot more beneficial to travel in a larger group anyway,” gyuvin offered, mainly making eye contact with hanbin since he was the one who appeared to have the most authority in your group.

he looked a bit hesitant, scanning the faces of both you and taerae, “do you guys want to talk about it?”

“yeah,” taerae was quick to answer, pointedly looking at the other two, feigning a fake smile, “we’ll be right back.”

the three of you locked yourselves away into the other room. taerae turned around, the expression on his face unreadable, but his words shocking both you and hanbin, “i think it’s a horrible fucking idea.”

hanbin scoffed, “and why is that?”

“these people literally just showed up not even ten minutes ago and you’re giving up our supplies and considering going with them to some community that we aren’t even sure exists,” taerae exclaimed, “plus, we /just/ lost the last of the other survivors we picked up. i’m sick of losing the people we grow close to.”

“i don’t know, taerae, i think we can trust them,” you told him, “besides, it’s better to have a larger group. you have to admit, traveling and finding supplies has been a lot harder with only three of us,” his shocked gaze met with yours and you did your best to reason with him, “they are extremely malnourished and only came to try and find food and you’re mad about that. what if it was us instead of them?”

he opened his mouth to retort something, but quickly closed it and shook his head, staring down at the floor. you gave hanbin a knowing look, a small smile on your face. 

he nodded, “it’s settled then. we’re going to seattle.”

vi.

as you walked with your newly formed group, you couldn’t help but feel a little giddy. taerae was right; you were still navigating the feelings of your other group mates dying, but you were still less anxious when there was more of you together. you had almost given up hope that there even was anyone else. 

taerae had remained silent almost the entire time you had been traveling. he was still nervous about grouping together with the strangers you had met the previous day, which you understood, but you were confused as to why it was suddenly a problem when you'd done it countless times before. another thing that bothered you was the fact that he was giving both you and hanbin the silent treatment. you scanned the other three in front of you, who were conversing about when they should set up camp for the night, and sighed, grabbing taerae's arm and making him wait until you were a few paces behind. hesitantly, you met your gaze with his, your voice as stern as you could make it when you spoke. 

“what’s your problem?”

taerae looked taken aback by how blunt and straightforward you were with your question. his bewildered gaze almost immediately went back to the scowl he had previously been adorning. he shook his head, his response short as he said, “it’s nothing, y/n.”

“well, you sure aren’t acting like it’s nothing,” you retorted, rolling your eyes at how stubborn the boy was being. however, your gaze softened upon seeing his frown deepen, “talk to me. this isn’t like you.”

taerae pondered your words for a moment before finally admitting his worries to you, “i guess i’m just scared.” “scared about what?”

“getting close to them and losing them like we did the others. they could be selfish, too. we don’t know a single thing about them and if we get in a situation where someone’s life is on the line, i fear they’re going to leave us without much thought,” his voice grew quiet upon his confession. you swore you could feel your heart break in your chest at his next words, “i can’t lose you and hanbin.”

you reached out and laced your fingers with his, squeezing gently in reassurance and forcing him to look at you, “as long as you, hanbin, and i are loyal to each other, that’s all that matters, right? all we have to do is back each other up if the other two happen flake on us.”

taerae’s eyes were glossed over in clear appreciation for your words, his grip tightening on your hand, “thank you.”

“you don’t have to thank me. it’s what i’m here for,” you teased, nudging the boy playfully with your shoulder. the smile on his face was refreshing to see after having him upset the entire day since leaving the gas station. 

the two of you caught back up with the rest of the group, who had come to a halt to scope out the area surrounding you all. the woods appeared to be significantly thicker, which provided more protection from any of the infected that lurked in the shadows at night. it would also be easier to make a shelter to sleep in overnight. 

gunwook turned, asking the two of you, “what do you think?”

taerae was the first to speak, “i think it’s definitely a decent spot for now. it looks like we might be able to have an area for a fire as well.”

to say you were shocked was an understatement. hanbin shared a look with you, a grin threatening to tug at the corners of his mouth. you knew the eldest was worried that taerae was going to stay in his funk for days on end, but the look of relief was enough to cause you to feel it too. the boy winked at you, asking the group, “should we split into shifts to keep watch over everything?”

“i’m not opposed to the idea,” gyuvin piped up, pulling his coat closer to his body. it was clear he was still freezing despite having a lot more warmth than when you first met him, “i can take the first one if you want.”

it was your turn to pitch in, “i’ll join you, it’s best to work in teams of two.”

he gave you a grateful smile. you honestly thought that he’s someone you could wind up being really good friends with. you just wished it didn’t have to be because the apocalypse brought you together.

— — — 

the evening came quickly once camp was set up for the night. hanbin and gunwook had managed to get a pretty decent fire going considering the fact that most of the wood you all found was damp or frozen from the snow. you all had welcomed the warmth with open arms.

since everyone was able to take most of the supplies from the gas station, the thin foam that you had used for mattresses the night before were now neatly laid out on the ground in a dense thicket of trees that had already formed somewhat of a shelter. It was certainly a lot better than what you, hanbin, or taerae had made in the past. 

one thing taerae was particularly happy about was being able to warm up some of the food you guys had. he even accepted the beans with a smile instead of turning up his nose to them, which caused both you and hanbin to giggle at him. 

the five of you sat around the fire, recounting your stories of what happened when the outbreak was first announced. taerae was laughing his head off, stating, “y/n really thought i was joking when i went into their room and told them what was happening.”

you threw a wadded up wrapper at him, “in my defense, he is constantly messing with me,” you looked at gyuvin and gunwook, who were laughing along with you, and joked, “watch out for him, because soon he'll be pranking you guys too.”

“what were you guys doing?” hanbin asked the two of them, and they sat deep in thought for a moment, gyuvin finally telling them, “i’m pretty sure we were staying the night at our brother’s house. if i’m remembering correctly, it was a friday, and we usually did stuff together after school.”

“yeah, it was, i think we were getting ready to go out to dinner,” gunwook added, “and instead of getting in the car normally, it felt like we were the main characters of an action movie or something. ricky drove like a maniac.”

you laughed at the image you had in your head of not only their experience, yours as well, “taerae ran one of our neighbors over when we were trying to get off of our street.” 

gunwook’s eyes widened, his smile stretched from ear to ear as he said, “becoming a murderer early on, i see.”

your laughter began to die down as the sun started to set, and your playful conversation turned into solemn ones. hanbin stared at the dancing flames, quietly asking, “i hope this isn't prying too much, but how did it end up just being the two of you?”

gyuvin sighed. you could tell this was a touchy subject, but he was willing to answer hanbin's question, “he got turned not too long ago. we got ambushed by the biggest mob of infected we’ve ever encountered since the outbreak,” his voice cracked as he said the next part, “he shielded us the entire time we were fighting them.”

“he ended up getting bit and made us tie him to a tree so we would have time to run,” gunwook’s solemn gaze made your heart twinge in sadness for them. you couldn't imagine losing hanbin or taerae like that, if at all, and wondered how your new friends were even managing to push through. 

taerae gave the pair a close-lipped smile, “it sounds like he was an amazing brother to have.”

“yeah,” gyuvin seemed deep in thought, a stray tear racing down his cheek, “he was.”

— — —

as soon as darkness engulfed the woods, gunwook, hanbin, and taerae settled down and drifted off to sleep, which left you and gyuvin sat by the fire to keep watch over the camp. the boy was sat across from you, his knees drawn up to his chest and his gaze fixed on the flickering flames that illuminated his face. he was practically glued to gunwook’s side. 

softly, he questioned, “hey, can i ask you something?”

you glanced at him, confusion painted across your features, “of course, what’s up?” 

he sighed. it looked like he was contemplating even saying something to begin with, but finally, after you assumed he won his internal battle, he asked, “does taerae hate gunwook and i or something? he seemed angry when we first met and i don’t want us to intrude on whatever the three of you were hoping to do.”

“no, he doesn’t hate you at all,” you reassured, which caused his shoulders to visibly relax. you fell silent for a moment, gazing over at the boy who was curled up as close to hanbin as the eldest would allow. he looked so at peace, which you rarely ever saw from him. you turned back to the boy across from you, “he’s just incredibly protective of the two of us. it’s really been only us together since the start of all of this and he doesn’t want to lose either of us, is all.”

“i completely understand that,” gyuvin replied, shifting to now lean back against the tree stump behind him, “i hope you never have to go through what we did, that's for sure.” 

“could i ask you a question now?”

gyuvin nodded, “sure.”

“i noticed this the other day, but you just seem to get sad whenever i’m around, and i wanted to make sure it was nothing i was doing,” you were hoping that you didn't seem like you were accusing him of anything, and he most definitely didn't take it that way. 

he offered a sad smile with his answer, “you just remind me a lot of ricky, is all. you guys are very similar in terms of personality.”

“well, i know i can't ever fill his spot, but i can still be there to support you throughout this entire journey we’re on.”

a small cry escaped gyuvin’s lips as he angrily wiped his tears away from his cheeks, “thank you, it really means a lot to hear that.”

once he collected himself, the two of you fell into a comfortable conversation, telling stories from your childhood and even some crazy ones of times where you thought you were going to die in the midst of the apocalypse. for the first time in a while, you felt content. at peace, even.

you hoped it would happen more often. 

— — —

the woods were serene at night when you didn't have to fear for your life. the soft chirps of the crickets, the occasional hoot of an owl, and even the crackle of the fire brought you a sense of comfort and security you hadn't felt for a very long time; since the start of the apocalypse, really. but for whatever reason, you just couldn't sleep.

maybe it was because you were thinking back on your conversation with taerae and the concerns he expressed about losing you or hanbin. or maybe it was the added stress of gyuvin and gunwook’s story. it could have been something entirely different, but you just couldn't doze off for the life of you. 

you huffed out a frustrated sigh, eventually sitting up from your cocoon on the ground and scanning the areas surrounding the fire. the only one awake was hanbin, taerae having dozed off again shortly after being woken up for his shift. hanbin insisted he didn't mind, especially since everything seemed to be relaxed, but you still felt bad he had to stay awake entirely on his own. 

he glanced over at you, gentle smile quirking up the corners of his mouth as he whispered, “can’t sleep?”

you shook your head as a response, eventually making your way over to his post and plopping down next to him, the fire emitting a slightly warmer flow of air in your direction. hanbin peered down at you, a fond smile ever so slightly on his lips, and you swore the butterflies in your stomach might give your feelings away. instead, you scooted closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder and fixing your gaze on the fire. 

you could feel the pressure of hanbin’s head resting on top of yours, his voice almost inaudible as he asked, “do you think anything will ever return to normal? like sometime in the future, do you think there's a chance things will go back to the way they used to be?”

a heavy silence hung in the air as you pondered his question, absentmindedly beginning to pick at a string hanging down from inside of hanbin’s coat sleeve. you could feel your eyes begin to gloss over as you thought about the nights you'd spend pestering hanbin while he attempted to do his coursework for college, or how you'd always give taerae advice on songs he'd written on his guitar. everything was so much simpler, so much /better./

“i don't think so,” you gave your honest response to him, “i mean, everything is destroyed and gone. it'll take years and years to even get rid of the infected, let alone rebuild the entire country to what it used to be,” a shaky sigh from you followed suit to your words, leaving hanbin to think on them. 

he clicked his tongue, “then i guess we’ll have to make a new normal, right?”

“i suppose so,” you hummed, “but how would we go about that?”

“i don't know, but hopefully we’ll figure it out.”

conversations with hanbin were always something you treasured. he gave you new perspectives on things that you wouldn't have even considered before and logically thought through everything. you admired him for that, and it was one of the many reasons you developed feelings for him in the first place. but you knew, deep down, that you wouldn't be able to live the life you wanted with him. you doubted he even returned your feelings.

besides, there would always be infected in the way.

vii.

having new friends that you actually got along with made a huge difference in your travels. there was a lot more team work, laughs, and supplies that you were able to get your hands on. it was arguably the most productive you'd ever been and the quickest you had gotten to know strangers. it felt like you were friends for your entire life. 

it didn't take gyuvin very long to catch on to your feelings for hanbin, and soon he was teasing you alongside taerae when you weren't in earshot of him. gyuvin’s antics were far less intense, and he asked you lots of questions about why you'd grown so fond of the eldest boy. he listened with open ears and was able to see the mannerisms that hanbin displayed easily after your conversations with him.

it felt nice to just gush to someone who would listen to you. 

you were currently attempting to break into a shed to see if there was any useful weapons inside considering gyuvin’s was starting to give out on him. you lunged forward, hitting your hip into the rotted out door, and it gave way easier than you thought. you coughed as dust and wood chips rained down toward the dilapidated floors. 

there was a lone infected inside, which was fighting for its life to even hobble over toward you, and you swiftly put it out of its misery, watching in disgust as it crumpled to the floor. you stepped over its now limp body, gyuvin's following closely behind, exploring the shed further than just standing in the doorway. you kept your knife out just in case you were to come across anymore, eyes scanning your surroundings in an attempt to fine something that would hold up. 

“i don't think this is a question i asked you yet,” gyuvin broke the silence, “but have you ever considered telling hanbin how you feel?”

you had to hold back from bursting into a fit of laughter, taking a deep breath, before you chuckled, “you and taerae are so similar it's crazy.”

you ducked under a cobweb in front of you, careful not to disrupt it in fear of a spider crawling on you. gyuvin mimicked your actions, inquiring, “why do you say that?”

“he asked me the same exact thing.”

you were now standing in front of a wall of rusted weapons. gyuvin looked slightly defeated, but instead of dwelling on that, he turned his attention back to you, “well, it's not a horrible question. i mean, it's better late than never, right?”

you just giggled at him, crouching down to open up a door on a workbench, “i guess so. maybe i will someday, when we’re in seattle or something. that way if he rejects me, i’ll have a home to go into and sulk.”

gyuvin’s cackle echoed inside the barn. you flared up at him, pulling the machete you found out from the self, pointing it at him jokingly, before you threatened, “keep it up and i’ll cut your head off with this and feed it to an infected.”

“hey!”

you handed your find to gyuvin, who admired it in awe, mouth slightly agape and a plethora of thank you's slipping past his lips. the two of you made your way back outside, meeting up with the other three who were attempting to get a car started, but to no avail. gunwook was turning the key in the ignition but had no success of getting the engine to turn over. 

“i take it this whole car thing is a lost cause?” you inquired, looking at the three of them inquisitively. taerae and hanbin had their heads underneath the hood of the car, inspecting the engine in order to, what you assumed, find out what was wrong with it. 

gunwook attempted to turn the key again, and while the vehicle made sound, it was more along the lines of grinding than anything else. he finally looked at you and gyuvin, “i think so, we’ve been working on it for an hour now and nothing has worked.”

“i mean, we’ve walked this much already. we really can't miss what we never had, right?” gyuvin reasoned as he attached his new machete to is pants. 

gunwook shrugged, “i suppose so,” he looked almost bummed out, “it just would have been nice to take a break from walking.”

hanbin shut the hood of the car, now gaining your attention. his hands were smeared with grease and a fine layer of sweat had broken out across his forehead. you blinked a few times, finally finding it in you to tear your eyes away from him. 

you parted your lips to speak, motioning to the road ahead, “guess we better get moving while it's still light out.”

— — —

you’d volunteered to take the last shift of watch for the night. you knew you wouldn't really be able to sleep anyway, so you didn't mind, and would rather everyone else get some well deserved rest instead. this was a common thing for you now, not being able to sleep. you just couldn't get your mind to ever shut up. usually, it was creating the most morbid scenarios, which would either cause nightmares or for you to be so paranoid you felt you had to stay awake. 

you supposed that's what came with life during an apocalypse, but it didn't make it any easier. you wished so badly that you could just go back to normal, or that this was just some cruel, twisted dream you could wake up from. but it wasn't, and you were stuck here fantasizing about a life you would never have again. 

the fire crackled softly, illuminating the surrounding area in a peaceful orange glow. you could hear the soft breaths of everyone, a slight snore emitting from taerae, and you smiled to yourself. seeing the people you'd grown to care about so still and calm brought a sense of comfort to you, and almost made it feel like you were at a sleepover of some sort. 

you heaved a sigh, drawing your knees up to your chest and resting your chin on your arms. you sat like that for a while, mind reeling with all the opportunities you were missing out on, and a stray tear raced down your face. there was gentle rustling next to you, and soon after, hanbin rose up from his place on the ground, a sleepy smile stretching across the expanse of his face. 

“i feel bad you're not getting any rest,” his voice was raspy with sleep as he spoke. he shifted his body so he could be sitting up next to you. he extended his legs in front of him, a yawn catching him by surprise, “if you want to try and get some before we leave, i can take over watch.”

you pondered it for a moment, finally nodding in defeat, and began to stretch out on the ground yourself. however, he caught you off guard, putting his lap, and murmuring, “you can use me as a pillow if you want, i know not having one isn't the most ideal.”

you could feel your heartbeat in your throat at his offer, silently nodding as you shifted your weight around, finally settling onto the ground and lowering your head onto his thighs, a content sigh slipping past your lips. you had to admit, he was right, and you didn't think you would be doing this when you first woke up that morning. hanbin pulled the blanket over you, enveloping you in a warmth you hadn't felt in a very long time.

delicately, he threaded his fingers through your hair, and your eyes fluttered shut at the contact. you sighed contentedly, mumbling a soft, “thank you,” to which hanbin chuckled quietly.

the feeling of his hand massaging your scalp caused your body to relax much quicker than you thought it would, and you were soon fighting to stay awake and relish in the feeling of it. before you finally succumbed to sleep, you swore you could could hear him barely whisper, “i’ll be here when you wake up, my love.”

viii.

“y/n, hanbin, wake up!” a voice pulled you from the surprisingly deep slumber you had fallen into despite the frigidly cold temperatures. an extremely panicked voice, though, the person’s hands gripping your shoulder and shaking you lightly in an attempt to get you to hurry. 

you shot up from your nest of blankets and hanbin’s legs, body close to taerae the moment you did so. your gaze locked with his, and instantly, you knew something was horribly wrong. he was quick to answer your suspicions, “infected, there’s a lot and we need to get moving,” hanbin cursed quietly under his breath next to you, angry at himself for even dozing back off in the first place. 

quick to get on your feet, you began shoving the blankets into your bag - rather haphazardly, might you add - your hands shaking from the anxiety you felt from the situation. hanbin remained close to you throughout the process, packing away the food you guys had left sitting out through the night. you glanced around, taking note that the other three were still within your line of vision, and you felt slightly relieved knowing everyone was still in a general vicinity of one another. 

a deep, rumbling growl resonated to the left of you. you turned, being greeted by an infected with outstretched arms haphazardly swinging at you, and his jaw hanging slack as he approached you. his flesh was missing in chunks around his cheekbones and his eyes were beginning to sink in from the disease. his hair was in matted, pale blonde tufts on his head. you’d never gotten the chance to actually see an infected’s features in tact like this before, and to say you were shocked was an understatement. he must have been freshly turned. 

you scrambled backwards the closer he approached, pulling your knife out from its holster on your pant leg. however, the pained cry of gyuvin stopped you from killing it right then and there.

“ricky?” 

the walker turned his head quickly at the sound of his name and you felt your heart lurch in your chest. the boy was attempting to run forward, but gunwook was able to wrap his arms around him before he could make it any further, “gyu, you can’t, there’s no saving him. you know that.”

you made eye contact with his brother, desperately searching for what to do, but his solemn and knowing expression told you everything. he turned gyuvin around, pulling him close to his chest, one of his hands holding the back of his head as he sobbed, “don’t look, okay?”

to ensure you didn’t overthink what you were about to do, you swung your knife forward, sinking it deep into the side of ricky’s neck. he sputtered loudly, dark crimson blood spraying out from the wound and onto your hand and sleeve of your jacket, some of it speckling on your face in the process. you twisted the knife and pressed your boot to his chest to shove him away as he fell, throwing your bag onto your back in a haste. 

“come on, there’s more following in behind him,” hanbin grabbed onto your arm the moment you hesitated, realizing just exactly what you had done. 

it wasn’t supposed to be difficult killing infected, yet here you were.

you followed behind him, meeting up with the rest of the group before everyone began to run on the same road you had been following to seattle. none of you really had time to take in everything that had happened in the past five minutes due to the large mob following hot on your trail, their wicked screams echoing through the empty fields that surrounded you. 

your breathing was erratic, legs and lungs both burning from the amount of energy you were putting into getting away from them. the road was slick with thick ice and it made it difficult to get any sort of traction. over the yelling, you were able to make out taerae’s voice, “keep an eye out for any kind of shelter!”

you squinted, scanning for anything up ahead that could prove useful to the group of you. however, gunwook was the first to notice something, “right over there! it looks like an old farmhouse!”

you took a sharp turn onto the gravel driveway that led up to quite a tucked away house, pushing your legs to go faster. the sooner you got there, the better it was for the group overall. the mob behind you was starting to lessen the more you ran, thankfully, and by time you got to the front door the five of you only had to kill a few before you could stop and catch your breath. 

nobody hesitated to go inside, careful to clear each room and make sure infected hadn’t wandered in. taerae rounded the corner of the kitchen, announcing, “i think we’re safe for now. we should probably rest for a minute before we leave again.”

“would it hurt to explore? see what this place has to offer?” gyuvin asked, the tremble in his voice hard to miss as he spoke. tears stained his face, streaked through the layers of dirt caked on his cheeks and revealing the pale skin beneath it. he was suffering, and rightfully upset, so you knew there was no consoling him until he was able to calm down and have some time to just himself. 

hanbin gauged everyone’s reactions, eyes resting on your blood splattered face, gaze softening. he parted his chapped lips, stating, “honestly, depending on what’s here, we could always stay for a few days and actually think of a better plan instead of just winging it and something like this happening again.”

“i’d have to agree on this one,” gunwook replied, “i don't want something like that to ever happen again, really.”

everyone wordlessly began to rummage around in the house, searching for anything that could be useful. you took note of how clean the place was despite the apocalypse occurring in the outside world. you turned into the bathroom, twisting the knob of the faucet on as a joke, only to be pleasantly surprised at the sound of running water. “guys! the water here works!” you called, dipping your finger under the stream, excitement bubbling into the pit of your belly, “and it’s warm!”

“the pantries and fridge are stocked full of food as well,” hanbin piped up, the excitement evident in his voice, “and there’s power? this place is loaded!”

“the people who were here previously must either be out or newly turned,” taerae remarked. 

it only brought you to the harsh reality of what had just happened. 

your gaze snapped up to your reflection in the mirror. ricky’s blood managed to get smeared across your cheek and mixed into the dirt and grime that had made a home on your skin quite some time ago now. your hand was stained red and your sleeve still heavily damp with blood, which you swore you could smell, and it made you feel sick.

you hurriedly shut the door and fell to your knees in front of the toilet, wretching at the stench and realization that you killed someone’s brother, gyuvin and gunwook’s brother, and you had to live with that for the remainder of time you were with them. a soft cry pushed out of your lungs as you vomited again, completely emptying the contents of your stomach, and you felt you couldn't do it another time. you flushed the toilet and sighed, staring at yourself in the mirror once more.

a quiet knock was able to be heard on the bathroom door and you opened it, greeted by hanbin, who’s eyes were concerned and his lips were contorted into a deep frown. “y/n?” hanbin’s voice was soft, “are you okay?”

and you burst into tears. 

hanbin pulled you close, his embrace strong around your body. you were sure you’d collapse onto the ground if he wasn’t holding onto you at that moment. he rocked your bodies slightly, humming into your ear as a means to calm you down in some sort of way, “you did what you had to do. gunwook wouldn’t have told you to do it if he didn’t think it was necessary.” 

you tried like hell to get the butterflies in your stomach to go away as he pressed a quick, comforting kiss to the crown of your head. not when you had just killed gyuvin’s brother and you were reaping the consequences of that. 

you shook your head, getting ready to respond to him, but were stopped by the sound of gyuvin choking on his sobs as he sat on the couch. gunwook’s voice attempted to comfort him, “i know it hurts, but you and i both know ricky would rather be put out of his misery than stay infected.”

“i could have prevented this all, wook, that’s the problem.”

“don’t do that to yourself. he wouldn’t have let you stay with him no matter the circumstances,” gunwook reassured him, “let’s go see about a bath for you and clean up, yeah? maybe that’ll make you feel better.”

their voices faded away as they headed upstairs. you gripped onto hanbin tighter, fists balled into the fabric of his jacket, letting out your own cry. you wouldn't blame gyuvin if he hated you for the rest of your time together. you would be angry if the roles were reversed, so you couldn't even fault him for that.

“y/n, i think maybe we need to do what gyuvin and gunwook are doing and get you cleaned up,” hanbin was gentle with you, pulling away from the hug slightly to get a better look at your face. his thumb came up to wipe the fresh tears away from your eyes, and you found solace in how nicely he was treating you. 

you sat there for a moment, relishing in the feeling, before you pulled out of the hug to avoid getting overwhelmed with any more emotions, shrugging your jacket off to rid yourself of the reminder of what you’d done not even an hour ago. you sat down on the toilet after putting the lid down and allowed hanbin to get a shower started, your entire body going numb in the process.

at this point, you hoped an infected would take you.

viiii.

you felt unusually warm, though you weren’t complaining in the slightest. sighing softly, you shifted around on the mattress beneath you, tired eyes attempting to open but failing miserably. an arm was slung lazily around you, soft breaths of the sleeping boy in front of you the only thing able to be heard other than the rustling of the blankets.

you finally gained the energy to open your eyes, at least halfway, and you were greeted by the sight of a peaceful looking hanbin, his hair sitting beautifully across his forehead and his lips curled up slightly in the corners. 

your heart felt like it was found to beat out of your chest. You had cuddled with both him and taerae a number of times throughout your attempts to survive, but never like this. you were the only one in the room with the dark haired boy, eyes trained on his serene face and your stomach doing backflips.

hanbin took a deep breath, his eyelids fluttering open, and he gazed at you with a quiet chuckle. he parted his lips to speak, voice deep and raspy from having just awoken from his slumber, “good morning, sleepyhead.”

“i don’t think i’m the sleepyhead here,” you giggled, poking your index finger into his chest, “i was awake way before you were.” you paused before asking, “how did i end up in your bed, anyway?”

though he woke up with a slightly playful demeanor, it quickly faded with a frown that tugged harshly at his lips, his brows creased and his eyes searching yours, “i figured you were too out of it to remember. you had a really rough night trying to grasp the fact that you killed ricky. taerae had fallen asleep relatively early and i just offered for you to sleep in here so you didn’t have to be alone.”

you were so caught up in the bliss of feeling safe and warm you almost forgot about ricky. 

hanbin caught on quickly to your mood change and to the fact that tears instantly glossed your eyes over. he reached his hand out, calloused thumb collecting the liquid as it dropped down onto your cheeks.

“you did what you had to,” he reassured.

all you had to offer him was a sad smile, “it definitely doesn’t feel like it. i wouldn’t be surprised if gyuvin doesn’t talk to me at all, i know if the roles were reversed i wouldn’t say a thing to him.”

he opened up his arms for you, inviting you to snuggle deeper into his chest. you obliged, allowing the boy to hold you while soft sobs erupted from your lips. quietly, he said, “once he realizes you did it out of good intentions he’ll come around. i know he will.”

you nodded, trying your best to convince yourself that what he was telling you had some sort of truth to it. you closed your eyes and relished in the boy's embrace, fearing that he would be able to hear how loud your heart was beating while you laid with him like this. you felt his lips graze your forehead, his warm breath fanning across your skin as he said, “i have something i wanted to tell you.”

you opened your eyes back up at his words, looking at him inquisitively, “what's that?”

“i know now might not be a good time, but i just wanted to tell you that i have a c-”

he was interrupted by the sound of knuckles rapping against the door to your shared room, “hanbin?” taerae’s voice called from the other side. 

the door knob twisted and he swung it open, beginning to step into the room before stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of the two of you cuddled up together. his posture was still and something unreadable flashed in his eyes, his tone monotonous as he spoke, “apparently i’m interrupting something, but i just wanted to let you know that gunwook is almost done cooking breakfast for whenever you decide to join us.”

with that, he shut the door rather harshly in his wake, the sound of his heavy footsteps receding down the stairs the only thing filling the silence he left behind. sighing, hanbin was the first to speak, “i assume he’s in one of his moods.”

“probably so,” you agreed with a nod, “i’m going to head down and attempt some sort of damage control. maybe we can finish this conversation later?”

hanbin nodded, “okay, i’m going to change my clothes and i’ll be down after that,” he replied offering you a soft, reassuring smile as you slipped your boots on and opened the door. 

once you reached the dining room, you took note of taerae’s hostile attitude as he shoved scrambled eggs down his throat, his facial features set in a deep scowl. he looked up when you entered, shoving his chair back, the legs scraping harshly against the floor. the boy rose to his feet and stalked past you, spitting, “i’m going on a walk.”

“you can’t go alone, it’s too dangerous,” gunwook called out in an attempt to get taerae to stay within the confines of the farmhouse. 

taerae scoffed, “i don’t think i fucking asked.”

he stepped out onto the front porch and began walking down the gravel driveway, his hands shoved into his pockets as he did so. you heaved a sigh, “i’ll go with him. i think it’s me he’s upset with anyway.”

“just be safe, we can’t afford to lose anyone,” gyuvin’s voice was quiet, but you still gave him an appreciative smile before following taerae out the door. 

you broke into a jog to catch up with his long stride, finally managing to walk beside him. you grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks. searching his eyes, you asked, “what’s wrong? did i do something?”

a look of annoyance adorned his face as he shook your hand away, “when i said i was going on a walk, i meant /without you/.” he started walking again, this time his pace much quicker than before in an attempt to get you to go back to the house. however, you were just as stubborn as he was. you stood your ground and continued following him.

“i don’t think it’s very fair for you to be in a pissy mood with everyone and not give a reason as to why,” you snapped, now gaining his full attention as he whipped around to face you, anger evident in his eyes. 

“you’re joking, right? /i’m/ the one being unfair?” he scoffed, “that’s rich coming from you, y/n.”

you gave him a dry laugh, rolling your eyes in the process, “i don’t even know what i did.”

“go ask your new boyfriend, i’m sure he could know.”

“so that’s what you’re upset about? we literally just shared a bed,” your futile attempt to reason with him went in one ear and out the other as he turned his back to you again and trudged onto a path in the woods, his fists balled up beside him. 

he suddenly stopped in a clearing, his shoulders tensing and his head bowed as if he were contemplating something. he sucked in a breath, though you didn’t expect him to raise his voice at you, “i don’t think you’re capable of understanding signs that are put directly in front of you and it’s so fucking frustrating!”

“i genuinely don't know what you're talking about taerae, please just tell me so we can fix it,” you shouted back, “it's not okay to just yell at me and not give a reason why.”

taerae closed his eyes and took a deep breath, almost as if to calm himself down, and in a completely different tone he said, “i just feel like you and hanbin are excluding me. it's obvious you two like each other and i just feel like an outcast now.”

“first of all, i doubt hanbin likes me back,” you started, holding your hand up to hush him when he tried to interrupt you, “and second, i’m sorry if we have made you feel that way. i never want you to feel sad because of something i have done, so i will do better and fix it.” 

taerae nodded, “i’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“it's okay, if you have any other issues just come to me like this instead of getting mad and storming out,” you playfully scolded, beginning to walk back toward the house. hanbin was stood in the doorway watching the two of you, a fond smile on his face. 

taerae leaned over, whispering in your ear, “he's crazy about you, trust me.”

you blushed a deep red, smacking him on the arm, “stop it!”

“just speaking the truth,” he shrugged matter-of-factly, unable to suppress the grin on his face as he bounded up the stairs and greeted hanbin, returning to the dining table to finish up his breakfast.

you stopped outside, locking your gaze with hanbin's, trying like crazy not to blush or make it obvious that you were flustered. he was quick to ask, “is everything okay now?”

“yeah, he just needed calmed down,” you told him, laughing as you said, “i’m shocked we didn't get attacked by infected with how loud he was yelling.”

“maybe he scared them away,” hanbin mused. 

hanbin allowed you to enter the house first, muttering something about how you should have grabbed a jacket because it's freezing out, and you playfully bantered as you sat at the table with the rest of the group. you were across from taerae, who gave you a knowing look, and you had to look away from him.

it was comical to watch him try not to yell because you kicked him under the table.

x.

your group had made the decision to stay at the farmhouse until you ran out of resources. its owners never returned, never fended you away from their property or supplies, and you sure as hell didn't want anyone else to take it from you. besides, if you could be stable there for a bit, it would give ample time to rest and complete your journey to seattle when it was warmer outside.

spring came quicker than you'd hoped, but while the weather was still unpredictable, you didn't plan on going anywhere. instead, you build a functioning garden to at least try and sustain yourselves as much as possible, opting to grow some vegetables. you mainly took care of them, which is where you were currently, your hands deep in the potting soil in an attempt to move a few of your crops around to some bigger pots you'd found in the shed a couple days ago. 

your heart jolted in your chest when a figure crouched down next to you, but soon relaxed upon seeing it was hanbin, offering you a helping hand, “i always feel bad you're out here doing this on your own most days.”

“i don't mind it, really,” you shrugged, scooping up some dirt in your hand and patting it around the plant to stabilize it in its new home, “it brings a little bit of comfort, reminds me of the days before the outbreak.”

he nodded in understanding, helping you finish up what you were doing before he quietly asked, “wanna go for a walk?”

you weren't sure why he was suddenly asking this, but you could use a break to stretch out your legs. you you wiped your hands off on your jeans to shake the excess dirt off, and then ran them under the water spigot to clean them as much as you could. hanbin opened up the gate after you signaled you were ready, allowing you to go first and step down onto the path you used to walk down to the creek in the woods.

a comfortable silence fell between the two of you, the quiet chirps of the birds filling your ears and the cool breeze ruffling through your hair. it was peaceful, and you had to admit, it was bringing you a sense of happiness you hadn't felt in such a long time. 

hanbin stopped once he got to a clearing, settling down on a patch of grass by the water and patting the spot next to him for you. plopping down almost instantly, you quirked an eyebrow up at him, questioning, “is there any particular reason we’re here?”

while you expected him to say he just wanted to make sure you were giving yourself a break, he surprised you by answering, “yeah, actually, there is.”

you cocked your head to the side, silently urging him to go on. he nervously swallowed, finally turning to face you, a sudden confidence dancing in his dark irises, “you know that conversation we were having a couple weeks ago before taerae threw his tantrum?”

“yes?” you answered hesitantly, not entirely sure where he was wanting to go with this. you felt the butterflies in your belly begin to dance when you took note of the way his eyes briefly flickered down to your lips, but it was over as soon as it happened. 

“well, um, i just wanted to finish that conversation, because it's been bothering me for a while and i just need to get this out.”

his burning gaze met yours, a fond smile curling up the corners of his mouth. you could feel your heart begin to beat in your chest, praying to god he couldn't tell how visibly flustered you were. he reached his hand up to brush a strand of your hair out of your face, parting his lips to speak, “i have a crush on you, y/n, i have for a while.”

while it was a simple confession, it was something you would treasure for the rest of your life. it was a breath of fresh air amidst chaos and fear, something that made you feel like you were floating for the first time since the outbreak. you felt stupid smiling so big, but to mask your hint of embarrassment, you told him, “i have a crush on you too, bin. i feel like it's been obvious.”

“not really,” he said, “i could kind of pick up little hints, but it was nothing too major. you honestly held it in well, i was worried you wouldn't return the feelings.”

“well, i promise i do.”

hanbin took your relaxed stance as a sign cup your cheek with his hand, inching closer and closer, finally muttering, “can i?”

you timidly smiled, feeling a blush creep onto your cheeks, “of course.”

without any hesitation, he closed the distance between the two of you, melding your lips together perfectly. you weren't sure if it was because he was hanbin, and he was perfect already, or if it was because this moment had been anticipated for so long by the both of you, but it was everything you could have ever asked for. he filled you with warmth and made you melt into his touch. your eyes fluttered shut, relishing in the moment before he broke away, his forehead pressed against yours, “i can't wait to do that more often.”

“me either,” you smiled, leaning forward again to steal another kiss from him, “i think i could get used to it.”

the two of you decided to scrounge around and look for any useful supplies before you went back to the farmhouse. you found a canteen and a gas lantern by the water, assuming someone had left it there - whether it was on purpose or not, you'll never know - and attempted to find anything else before you began your trek back up the trail to the farmhouse. 

you began laughing the moment you caught sight of taerae on the front porch a “thank fucking god” erupting from

his lips the moment he saw your fingers intertwined with one another. he said something along the lines of it being painful to watch the mutual pining and no one making a move. you nudged him playfully, admitting to him that he was right. 

your group would be leaving out within the next few weeks, and you anticipated everything seattle had to offer you, and you could only hope it would be as good as this.

it was close.

xi.

saying goodbye to the farmhouse was a lot harder than you hoped it would be. while you knew it was for the best, it killed you to leave running water, a thriving garden, and cozy bed to sleep in every single night. you knew you would have those things in seattle, but the remainder of the traveling there was going to be difficult, mainly because you'd all gotten spoiled on the luxury of not worrying about where you'll be staying. 

you set out on the rest of your journey early that morning, backpacks filled to the brim with supplies and plenty of food and water to get you through what you hoped would only be a week. you didn't run into many issues along the way, and had made an agreement to meet on the outskirts of the city if everything went wrong; and you hoped it wouldn't. 

the air was thick with humidity, and the feeling of grime caked on your skin wasn't something you missed by any means. you were filled with hope upon seeing a metal sign on the side of the road, and while it was rusting and filled with holes, you saw the words outlines clearly in white, highly contrasting with the green background.

seattle, 1 mile.

you gave hanbin’s hand a firm squeeze, peering up at him

through your lashes, and feeling tears sting at your eyes. you were finally almost to the place you would call home, where you could get as normal of a life as possible, and you'd be able to do it with your friends and boyfriend. maybe, just maybe, it was finally your time to have something really good happen for you. 

“what kind of food do you think they make there?” gyuvin asked, earning laughs from most of the group, and you all began to make small talk of what was to come, unknowingly picking up your pace. 

the sun was beginning to set, casting a beautiful glow across the horizon, and illuminating the sight in front of you. it was breathtaking, and making you all the more excited to finally get inside the safety of the gates that lie ahead.

but the harsh reality was, in this lifetime, nothing good lasted forever. 

something felt off as you approached the edge of the city. there were no signs of life to be found; you were greeted with empty streets and eerie silence. taerae stopped in his tracks, eyes frantically searching the map, a mantra of “no, no, no” falling from his lips at a million miles a minute.

“what's wrong?” gyuvin inquired, peeking over taerae's shoulder to see if he could figure it out himself, but to no avail. taerae folded up the map in frustration, shoving it in his back locked, and turning to the group to say, “there is no settlement.”

gunwook’s voice held a hint of worry, “why do you say that?”

taerae chuckled frustratedly, spinning around with his arms wide open, motioning to the deserted, crumbling city around you, “we went exactly to the place you said those people told you to, and here we are, with no other person in sight,” he quickly met gazes with you and hanbin, “we're completely doomed.”

“maybe we can try going back to the farmhouse, we were doing so well there,” hanbin suggested, attempting to bring some sort of level headedness to your current situation, but taerae was far from receptive to it. 

he began walking around, his behavior growing a little more irrational. he turned around, pointing at gyuvin and gunwook, who both adorned bewildered looks, and stated through gritted teeth, “this is all your fault, i knew we shouldn't have listened to you.”

“kim taerae!” you intervened, catching the attention of the dark haired boy, a glint of anger evident in his expression, “you are being a little ridiculous, we can figure something out.”

“no, we can't,” he scoffed, “we traveled miles and miles and miles to be greeted with nothing, i feel like my frustration is completely justified,” taerae allowed a yell to rip through his lungs, the sole of his boot loudly stomping on a bent “welcome to seattle” sign that had made its home on the crumbling concrete beneath you. 

before anyone could hush him, or ask if he was stupid, the resonating sound of infected filled your ears, but it was unlike anything you'd ever heard before. it sent panic shooting straight to the pit of your stomach, and it wasn't long before the filled your line of vision completely. 

hundreds of them.

the five of you began to run, desperately trying to stick together, but it was proving to be a lot more difficult than you thought. you heard hanbin holler a “split up” before you headed off into different directions, gyuvin and gunwook together one way, and your original trio the other. you clung to hanbin's hand for dear life, keeping careful watch of taerae to make sure he was keeping up. 

you were all too soon met with a fork in your path, and hanbin was quick to think on his feet, letting go of your hand and pushing you toward taerae with an apologetic smile, quickly telling him, “make sure to keep them safe.”

you let out a cry, “hanbin, no!” but it was too late, because he was taking a pipe and banging it on a dumpster nearby, gaining the attention of the infected that had been hot on your trail, and pushing his legs to move him faster down the alley and out of your line of vision. 

you attempted to run after him, but taerae grabbed your arm and pulled you back. you shook yourself from his grasp, screaming through your tears, “we can't leave him, taerae,” a sob raking over your body, “please!”

“hanbin will be fine, y/n, he always is,” taerae reasoned with you, “he'll make it back to us and you know it.”

before you could argue with him anymore, taerae was grabbing your arm again and dragging you along with him, attempting to find the edge of the city again. your legs were burning with each push you made to keep running, and by time you finally made it to a clearing, your lungs felt like they could collapse at any given moment. 

you desperately looked around, trying to find hanbin, or gyuvin and gunwook, and your eyes finally settled on the trembling figures of the two brothers on the ground up ahead, panting hard and trembling from the realization of the events that just occurred. 

you caught up to them, but before you could say anything, you turned around to face taerae, finally allowing the rage you'd managed to keep at bay during that mess to unleash itself on him, “i cannot believe you would put our whole group on jeopardy like that,” you stepped toward him, palms of your hands meeting his chest and shoving him backwards, “you made hanbin feel like he had no choice but to sacrifice himself so we could live, you know that right?” 

taerae’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, not knowing what at all to say to you. scoffing, you said, “you are so fuckinh selfish.”

with that, you stormed off, ignore everyone’s futile attempts of getting you to calm down. the three ended up following behind you, making sure to keep your remaining group together as night approached, and you eventually stopped and set up camp for the night, but refused to utter a single word to taerae. 

you could only hope hanbin would survive the night.

— — —

you and the other three waited on the outskirts of the city like you planned, anxiously awaiting hanbin’s arrival to your small camp, if it ever came. it had been hours now, and you were still not speaking to taerae, now having graduated to refusing to look at him. his attempts at apologizing to you were futile, because he knew sorry would never be enough to heal the ache in your heart and the constant worrying on your mind.

as the morning sun broke through the sky, you sat in front of the smoldering fire, knees drawn up to your chest and eyes stinging with fresh tears. gyuvin was sat down next to you, his hand rubbing your back in a comforting way, his presence greatly appreciated, but you had a hard time croaking anything out.

a flash of brilliant red came into your vision, causing you to finally tear your gaze away from the ashes before you, seeing a rain of fiery glitter shimmering down from the sky in waves. you blinked a few times, wondering if your mind was playing tricks on you, but gyuvin had stopped rubbing your back in return for staring at the sight before you, mouth agape.

it had to be hanbin.

you began silently packing your things into your backpack, gyuvin closely following suit, but you were interrupted by taerae’s voice piercing the silence, “what are you doing?”

“what's it matter to you?” you snapped, managing to look at him, nostrils flaring in annoyance. he held his hands up in defense. muttering, “i’m just trying to watch out for you, y/n.”

you stepped toward him, teeth gritted and your patience with him wearing dangerously thin. you pointed to the color illuminating the sky, your words assertive, “that could be hanbin, and i’ll be damned if you stop me from going to look when you're the reason this happened in the first place. whether you come or not isn't my problem, but if you want to prove you're worthy of forgiveness, you’ll come with.”

you turned on your heels, back now facing him, and met the determined gazes of gyuvin and gunwook, who signaled they were ready to follow you back into the heart of the city.

you trudged onward, careful not to let the thudding of your boots draw attention to you, and glanced behind your back, taking note of taerae following suit. good.

it wasn't long before you made it through the entrance to the forgotten city, and you slunk against walls to keep a low profile in case a hoard of infected were still nearby. you felt your heart beating in your throat, a layer of sweat now coating your forehead in anticipation for what was to come.

another flare was lit, this time much closer to where you previously were. you dashed across the street from one alley to the next, taking note of the same dumpster that hanbin had hit before he ran on his own path. you figured following it wouldn'td hurt, and led your group onward through the maze of rubble, the stench of the flare smoke now filling your nostrils.

before you could take another step forward, gunwook grabbed your hand and pulled you back down into a crouch, his finger pressed over his lips before he pointed ahead, a bus in the distance, but a crowd of about 15 infected surrounding it. they seemed desperate to get something, and as your eyes trailed up, you realized it was someone.

hanbin.

he looked up, a wave of relief washing over his face upon seeing the four of you few yards away from him, and you fought back your tears as you made a cutthroat motion to the other theee, quietly creeping along the edge of the road, planning to sneak attack the infected.

taerae was the first to leap forward, twisting an infected’s neck with a sickening crack. its body crumpled to the ground, falling entirely lifeless within an instant, and it didn't take long for the rest of you to follow in his footsteps. you swung forward, your motions eerily similar to when you killed ricky months back, blood sputtering out from the infected and soaking through your clothes.

but this time, you didn't care. you continued your actions, the putrid smell of iron and rotting flesh violating your nose, but within a few minutes the crowd was gone, and you were surrounded by bodies on the road. you quickly entered the inside of the bus, noticing there was only a few seats left inside, and a previously made shelter from someone else having been made in the back.

taerae pulled the doors shut to prevent any other infected getting inside, visibly relaxing once he realized your group was safe for now. hanbin slipped down from the top of the bus, his hair disheveled, and exhaustion evident in his expression and body language. you moved forward to give him a hug, but he stepped back, shaking his head at you.

you felt your stomach twist in a knot, “hanbin?”

his next words were ones that would have made you fall to your knees if he wasn't standing directly in front of you, “i got bit.”

it felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the small space, the entire group falling into a dreadful silence.

you blinked back tears for millionth time in the last few hours, swallowing harshly as you met your eyes with his, desperately trying to see if he was pulling some cruel joke. you laughed, “no, no that's not possible! you're fine hanbin, you don't have to pull my leg like that.”

his frown only deepened, and he took a step forward, pulling the sleeve of his jacket up to reveal a gnarly wound on the inside of his forearm, the resemblance of teeth marks deeply penetrating his skin. blood oozed from the gashes, and the flesh surrounding it appeared as though had already begun to rot away.

“what are we going to to do?” taerae asked, and you almost turned around to slap him, but somehow managed to contain yourself.

hanbin’s expression said everything you needed to know. his next sentence was quiet, and had the nobody there been completely still, you wouldn't have been able to hear it, “i’m going to have to take care of it myself, i won’t let the virus take over. i don't want to be one of them.”

“hanbin, no,” taerae said, “we can't just let you kill yourself, there has to be another way.”

“but there's not, taerae,” hanbin’s tone was gentle but firm, “there's no cure, and i won't be able to handle being one of those disgusting creatures,” a tear raced down his cheek, “i have no other choice, unless one of you do it for me, and i would never ask that of you.”

you didn't feel like yourself as the gears turned in your head, before you finally asked, “can we at least say goodbye?”

his eyes softened, and he nodded in return. you let the others go before you, gunwook and gyuvin going first, thanking him for allowing them to tag along, and always making sacrifices to make sure everyone else was taken care of.

you didn't miss the sobs shaking taerae’s body when he went, their hug the tightest one you had ever seen. “i’m so sorry” moving past his lips repeatedly, and hanbin kept reassuring him quietly. the two had a quiet conversation, hanbin’s gaze intensely staring into taerae in what you assumed was advice on how to move forward.

and then it was your turn.

your legs felt like jelly as you collapsed into his embrace, his arms sturdy and the scent of his cologne having barely lingered on his clothes as you burning your face into his chest. you could feel him breaking down, and the two of you cried more than you ever have before. he pulled back a little bit, pressing a deep, loving kiss onto your lips, and you could taste the salt of your tears mixing in between.

he looked at you, adoration in his eyes, as he whispered, “i love you, y/n.”

your bottom lip quivered, and you were barely able to get out an “i love you” in return, relishing in your final moment with him. you shifted a bit, slipping your dagger out from the inside of your sleeve. you pushed it between his ribs, hearing him softly grunt in pain, and a quiet “thank you” coming from him.

he grew weaker by the minute, and you helped him lower to the ground. laying him down on his back and settling down next to him, your hand coated with the warm bloom spilling from his body. your free hand reached up and pushed his hair out of his eyes. thumb moving down to collect his tears as his eyes fluttered shut and the breath left his body.

your pained weeping echoed throughout the barren wasteland around you, and you wanted so badly to turn back time, to do something differently, because if you did, he would still be alive. you'd still be searching for seattle.

#ANGST

1. "you can't just walk away like that!"

2. "you want to know the difference between you and me? i finish what i start."

3. "i shouldn't have to invite myself to spend time with my partner."

4. "i think it's best if you leave."

5. "we're best friends and i just realized i love you — but it's too late, isn't it?"

6. "i'll rip the stars from the sky if you ask me to. just tell me you love me."

7. "you told me you were leaving. but you didn't tell me you were leaving for good."

8. "you're all i have left... please don't make me watch you die."

9. "you promised me."

10. "i didn't know where else to go."

11. "you don't get to be mad at me for dating someone else. you're the one who keeps pretending we're just friends."

12. "do you even have feelings for me? or am i just convenient?"

13. "you called us a mistake. right after kissing me like i was the only real thing you ever had."

14. "we both know this can't go anywhere, so why does it hurt so much to walk away?"

15. "why did you have to come back after i started to build something for myself?"

#FLUFF

1. "here, take my jacket."

2. "i think you look pretty."

3. "you're not dying, you have a small fever."

4. "i can hold you like this for the rest of my life."

5. "every time i look at you, i lose myself in your eyes. do you even realize the effect you have on me?"

6. "you're so oblivious, aren't you?"

7. "why do you get all weird when someone flirts with them?" and "i don't... i'm just protective, that's all."

8. “i’m not going to sit here and pretend like you don’t own my heart, like i haven’t been yours since the moment i saw you.”

9. "why are you staring? is there something on my face?"

10. "not enough for me? you are everything."

11. “you’re going to bed, even if i have to carry you there myself.”

12. "you look really good in my shirt."

13. “this feeling is the only thing i'm sure of.”

14. "you dragged me out here at sunrise just to watch the world wake up… and you were right. it's beautiful."

15. “when i look at you, i can feel it. i look at you, and i’m home.”

#SMUT/SUGGESTIVE

1. "you should probably stop touching me like that — unless you want to finish what you started."

2. "keep your voice down. or don't. let them hear. i don't really care."

3. "say the word and i'll have you against that wall in five seconds."

4. "you think you're in control here? that's cute."

5. "you're mine."

6. "i might be a little tipsy, but i’m not too drunk to know that i want you… in a way i probably shouldn’t."

7. “you look so pretty when you squirm under me.”

8. "that, darling, is what you do to me."

9. "i need you. please. i'll be quick."

10. "aren't you going to thank me?"

11. "this is wrong." and "so wrong."

12. "better quiet down unless you want the whole world to hear how good i fuck you"

13. “go on, i wanna see what your mouth can do.”

14. “do you think of me when you touch yourself?”

i.

there was an excited buzz filling up the great hall as you stood by its entrance with the other batch of anxious first years, awaiting to go in and be sorted. you weren't sure where you would end up, but you really didn't care – so long as you got along with your classmates and you were able to find friends that were genuine. you twiddled with the sleeves of your robes, feeling your heart lurch in your chest as the large doors finally opened with a loud squeak, announcing your arrival to the hundreds of other hogwarts students inside.

all eyes were on your group as you walked down the aisle and up to the front, where the stool was sat just up a few stairs and professor mcgonagall was holding the sorting hat in all of its tattered glory. you made small talk with a girl you'd slowly become friends with as you watched the first person clumsily clamber up the stairs and have the hat placed on its head.

your eyes kept scanning the area surround you, and you'd locked gazes with kim jiwoong, who had made his presence known and commanded the attention of everyone on the train earlier that day. you'd heard a lot about him from the whispering voices, about how he was incredibly hateful and always barking orders to people around him, but didn't care to listen to other people’s perceptions of him. his eyes bore into yours, but it didn't feel scary, as other people had described him – he was almost unreadable. you offered him a small, genuine smile, and you swore you saw him flash one back at you, but it was gone as quickly as it came, replaced with his usual scowl as he was called up to be sorted.

you watched as he sat down, and the sorting hat was placed on his head for less than thirty seconds before it was bellowing out “slytherin!” and a look of pride had washed over the dark haired boy before he went and sat down with the table of older students who were cheering for him.

you watched as people continued to be called and sorted, anxiously awaiting for your name. and soon, there it was, and you were leaving your friend behind and nervously sitting down on the stool. professor mcgonagall smiled at you, her eyes turning into crescents before she set the hat atop your head. it almost felt like all the voices around you were drowned out, and you could only hear the hat as he got lost in thought, announcing everything to the rest of the crowd in front of you.

“hmm, you're a tough one, my friend. i can sense your courage and bravery, your willingness to stand up not only for yourself but for the people you love…” his voice trailed off as he thought some more, the table of gryffindors growing antsy with anticipation for you to be sorted into their house.

“ah! but wait, i can feel something deeper. you're gentle and kind, loyal to your friends, and you have a pure heart. one that shouldn't be tinkered around with. this feeling is growing stronger within me, and i think i have made my decision.”

he grew silent for a moment and it felt like the chatter of the room had gone away completely. every second that passed by was agonizing and you wanted so badly to just be off that stool and away from the burning eyes of the student body.

finally, he bellowed, “you'll be best in hufflepuff!”

a roar of cheers erupted from the students dressed in yellow and black and they graciously welcomed you to their table. amongst the sea of people, you caught the gaze of jiwoong once again, this time a knowing look on his face.

almost as if he'd known this is where you'd be.

ii.

your time at hogwarts felt like they were flying by – you were in a constant state of honing your magic skills, studying for exams and finding the time for recreational activities. before you knew it, you were in your fifth year, and you were under the tyranny of dolores umbridge and her constant nitpicking at each and every little thing the student body did.

it was exhausting.

you found yourself sneaking out of the castle late at night after finishing your studies, careful not to get caught, and sitting by the black lake, watching as the stars glittered beautifully in the sky and moon reflected off the still water before you. it was peaceful, and you found solace in getting away from the hustle and bustle you'd been surrounded by for so long.

which is where you were tonight, where it was chilly, and you were wrapped up in a cardigan and sighing in contentedness, your breath clouding before you as you did so. you closed your eyes, relishing in the feeling you had, until a cool, quiet voice drew you away from your thoughts and back into the present.

“i didnt think you would be one to sneak out of the castle.”

you opened your eyes to be greeted with the sight of jiwoong in front of you, one of your eyebrows quirking up in confusion, “i suppose this is why we shouldn't always judge people based upon our first impressions of them.”

jiwoong gave you a curt nod, motioning at the spot on the ground next to you, “care if i join you?”

“not at all,” was your reply.

you kept your eyes trained on the lake, feeling the chill in the air fight to cut through your cardigan and to your skin beneath it. there was an oddly comfortable silence between the two of you, both just taking in your surroundings and letting the stress of the first few months of fifth year wash away from you.

but the silence didn't last for long because jiwoong was opening his mouth again, asking you, “i’ve seen you come out here a lot, why? what's so special about it?”

you turned to look at him, taking note of how attractive he actually was up close. his dark hair was parted in the middle, exposing just enough of his forehead, the moonlight was caught in it almost perfectly. his slender nose and sharp features really stood out to you amongst the darkness, and you studied him for a moment before you finally said, “it's just nice to have a break from all the ruckus and commotion every once in a while,” you met your eyes with his now, “i could ask you the same.”

“i-” he began, but he shook his head, his intense stare now focused on the frost-covered ground below the both of you, “nevermind, it's stupid.”

you were sure what overcame you, but you reached out to him, resting a hand in his knee as you said, “nothing you feel is ever stupid, you know.”

at your words, jiwoong’s gaze softened, and you felt like he was showing you a side of him nobody else has seen before. he seemed to be fighting something internally, and finally, his shoulders slumped in defeat as he quietly said, “sometimes it's nice to not have to put on a front, not always uphold this reputation i've built for myself.”

“i get it,” you offered him a genuine smile. you began to stand up, shaking a few blades of grass from your pants. you looked at jiwoong once again, who was still sat in his spot, and said, “if you ever feel like you need a break from it all, you're always welcome to join me out here. there will never be any judgement.”

“thank you, y/n,” his words were sincere.

you gave a small smile to him, nodding in acknowledgment, “goodnight, jiwoong.”

–––––

jiwoong had taken you up on your offer more than you ever anticipated, and the both of you found yourselves enjoying the company. you'd fallen into comfortable conversation, and you'd finally gotten to know more about him, and to say you were starting to develop feelings for him was an understatement.

you couldn't help but feel giddy after every late evening spent with him, feeling a blush creep onto your cheeks whenever you finally made it back to your dorm and recounted each night in your head. beneath the surface that was kim jiwoong was someone who was kind and caring, always thoughtful. at least, that's the side of him that he showed to you.

this evening was different, though – you'd arrived later after serving a detention issued by umbridge earlier in the day. you stumbled down the small slope that led to your little tucked away spot, blood trickling down the length of your fingers and tears blurring your vision as you attempted to find him amidst the cloak of darkness the night had to offer.

jiwoong's usually large smile was soon replaced with a frown, a look of concern washing over his features upon seeing the state you were in, and anger dancing in his eyes the moment he took notice of your crimson coated hand. he reached out, helping you sit down, and trying his best to get you to look at him, but to no avail. you were so ashamed to be sat in front of him like this, and you almost wished you didn't even come to sit with him.

he didn't pry, though. instead, he sat there with you, the only thing filling the silence being the faint chirp of the crickets and your sniffles as you continued to cry. he reached out, grabbing your hand with his gently, and you felt your heart flutter at the gesture. he wiped away the blood with the sleeve of his robe, revealing a sentence etched deeply into your flesh.

i will not talk back.

this is when he finally broke the silence, his voice quiet, but frustration and anger laced in each and every word he spoke, “what the hell did that woman do to you?”

“made me write dozens of sentences with my own blood,” you laughed scornfully, wiping away at the tears that continued to stream down your face with your unoccupied hand.

“she's lucky i don't hex her,” he stated, which earned a quiet chuckle from you, “i mean it, y/n, i don't understand how someone can be this cruel to you.”

“just the way the world works, i suppose.”

you finally looked up at him, your glossy eyes nearly making the slytherin’s heart break right then and there. if there was anything he never wanted to see again, it was you crying. he reached out and swiped his thumb beneath your eyes, collecting the fresh tears that had just fallen. the look on his face was tender, and you felt your stomach doing backflips the longer his hand lingered on your face. but it was gone all too soon, and he looked you up and down, taking notice of your lack of robes on a night as cold as that one.

he slipped his overcoat off and draped it around your shoulders, ignoring all of your protests and securing you in the warmth that lingered inside of it. the fabric smelled so good, of expensive cologne, and you closed your eyes, quietly thanking him for such a kind gesture. you sat next to each other now, the silence comfortable but you felt yourself longing for his touch again.

you decided to be bold, to make a move, and rested your head on his shoulder. you didn't feel him tense up like you thought he might, the feeling in the air didn't change.

instead, he rested his head atop yours, gazes cast out to look at the moon as it glistened on the water.

iii.

your fifth year had come and gone, umbridge was finally out of hogwarts, and your feelings for jiwoong grew stronger by the day. your nights were spent getting cozier, sometimes his arm laid around your shoulder, other times your head in his lap, and occasionally your fingers intertwined with each other.

you'd delved into the conversation of how you didn't really acknowledge one another aside from sparing a few glances outside of these stolen moments at night, and you'd spent a great deal of time promising jiwoong you understood how much his reputation meant to him and that you were okay with how things were now.

since your sixth year was just starting, many of your classmates were our mingling and not returning until the very last possible moment, so jiwoong had mustered up the courage to invite you spend time with him in the slytherin dorm, which you'd accepted almost too eagerly. but your friends had peeved you greatly before you left, and you needed to get it off your chest. so there you were, sat on his bed, ranting to him about how some of your friends had made fun of you for not kissing anyone yet.

“i mean, i know it makes me a loser, but i don't just going around kissing people that mean nothing to me,” you stated, though you were growing more and more upset by the second.

jiwoong sat and listened quietly as you continued, his fingers tracing shapes on your back and a soft smile delicately tugging at the corners of his lips. once you finally stopped talking, you felt your cheeks heat up, surely fire engine red by now, and bashfully smiled, “sorry, i got a little carried away.”

“nothing to apologize for,” he softly responded, “and for the record, not having been kissed doesn't make you a loser.”

“i don't know, it feels like everyone around me has, my friends, strangers in the hall, hell, even you,” you replied.

jiwoong chuckled, his fingers still continuing their pattern, “actually, i haven't.”

your eyes widened at his confession and you began profusely apologizing, “i shouldn't have assumed, i’m so sorry. i just know you have a lot of friends and i figured -”

“y/n, it's alright,” jiwoong cut you off, amused with how flustered you had gotten. you were frustrated with yourself.

maybe it was because your friends had really gotten under your skin. maybe it was because you were sitting in jiwoong’s bed, surrounded by his smell, grazed with his touch. maybe it was because your feelings for him had grown impossibly big. you weren't sure, but you did know that you were embarrassed beyond belief.

a silence fell amongst you, and while you would normally welcome it, you couldn't help but feel like there was tension. not bad tension, though. you couldn't quite pinpoint it.

jiwoong parted his lips to speak, “you know, y/n, i think we might be able to help each other out in this situation.”

“please don't feel like you have to do that because i'm upset about it, i’ll be okay, really,” your eyes were as wide as saucers and you were fighting the urge to just get up and run back to your dorm, but you didn't.

instead, jiwoong reached his hand out to cup your cheek, his gaze almost unreadable, as he said, “i want to. if you'll let me, of course.”

you nodded, feeling your breath hitch in your throat as he inched closer, tilting his head as he closed the distance between the two of you, sealing your lips in a gentle, relieving kiss. he was warm and soft and so perfect. you snaked your arms around his neck, which granted him access to kiss you deeper, his hands finding purchase on your waist.

he finally pulled back, a grin immediately visible, and he asked, “how was that?”

you giggled, “perfect, you're perfect.”

he kissed you again, this time with a little more intent behind it, and molded your lips together. his tongue swiped at your bottom lip, begging for access, and you granted that to him, allowing him to explore your mouth. he shifted his weight, laying you down onto the mattress, your head resting on his silk covered pillows and arms still around his neck.

he kept one hand on your waist while the other propped him up as he hovered over you, the same smile on his face as he leaned down, hot breath fanning onto your ear as he mumbled, “you're the perfect one.”

his lips met with the tender skin of your neck, leaving gentle, but intentional kisses in a spot that made your head spin. your hands gripped the hair at the base of his neck and he chuckled, the vibration blooming as he worked his way to your jaw and back up to your lips, fingers toying with the hem of your shirt.

you pulled away from him, feeling slightly panicked, but he remained as calm as ever, smooth voice saying, “we don't have to do anything you don't want to.”

“it's not that, i just, i haven't…” you didn't go on to finish your sentence, because he knew what you were alluding to, and you felt relief wash over you as he whispered, “me either.”

the rest was a blur, your clothes coming off piece by piece and the soft kisses he left scattered about your body causing electricity to flow through your veins in a way you never thought it could. he was impossibly gentle, his touches feather light and his words sweet as he mumbled how beautiful you were against your skin. he kissed you through it all, making you feel so special and so cared for, and made sure your comfort was a priority.

now you were curled up into his side, one of his shirts engulfing your frame and your cheek pressed against the bare skin of his chest, listening to his heartbeat and steady breathing as the two of you laid there, basking in each other for what felt like ages. the sun was beginning to set and students would be coming in from curfew soon, so you reluctantly put your clothes back on allowed him to walk you out of the his dorm, through the common room, and back into the usual hustle and bustle of hogwarts.

“see you tomorrow?” you asked, the hopeful glint in your eyes difficult for him to miss. there was something unreadable in his expression, but it was gone as quickly as it came, and his usual soft smile he reserved for you was back.

“of course."

iv.

running late for potions was not something on your morning agenda, but here you were, sprinting through the halls in a futile attempt to make it on time. overslept and managed to get ready at a speed you never have, but since you'd started making your way there class had started. sure, it wasn't long, but it wasn't the start you wanted for your first day back at classes since having the summer off.

but your mind had been in a haze since your previous night with jiwoong and you were up late overanalyzing the look on his face that you briefly caught. you finally managed to convince yourself it was nothing, but it was mere hours before you were supposed to be awake when you finally dozed off.

you grateful to see the door to the potions classroom and even more thankful to see at least two other students hanging their heads as you walked into the room behind them. you got a scolding from professor slughorn, but you were lucky enough to scrape by without having any points taken from your house.

you slid into the first empty seat you saw, trying to tune into the lecture about the polyjuice potion, but you found yourself scanning the faces of your classmates to try and find the one you wanted, finally finding him at his potion station just a few away from you. he looked up, almost as if he could feel your gaze burning into him, and locked eyes with you all for a brief moment before he quickly turned away, cracking a joke with one of his friends.

you both did talk about the whole bit acknowledging each other that much, but you had never seen him turn away so quickly; he always at least shot a smile your way.

you blinked in confusion, but shook your head to yourself as you turned the page in your book to the recipe you needed, getting to work upon professor slughorn’s command. you somehow managed to get it perfectly on the first try, despite your mind being fuzzy, but you hoped that maybe you could talk to him later that evening about it. he was always receptive.

but your typical nightly escapade came and jiwoong was nowhere to be found. he hadn't missed a day since he first came and sat with you. your hand furiously wiped at the tears prickling at your eyes as you made your way back into the castle, heart lurching in your chest at the thought of having to go to bed without talking to him.

the next few days passed by exactly the same; he refused to look at you, avoided you in the halls, and never met you in your spot by the lake. your confused heart couldn't take much more of it, and against your better judgement one morning, you followed him amongst the sea of students when he was walking alone and grabbed his wrist, pulling him off into a secluded corridor.

he was caught off guard, but his expression turned from one of surprise to one of guilt. you did what you could to keep your voice steady, but you knew it was a matter of time before you snapped.

“why are you avoiding me?”

the silence hung thick in the air between the two of you, and jiwoong’s eyes softened when he saw the mournful expression you adorned. his mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, desperate to get the words out. his expression hardened a little bit as he said his next words, “i just have my reputation to think about.”

“you've got to be joking,” you scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest, “that hasn't stopped you from meeting me every night for the past year, and it certainly didn't keep you from kissing me or making your way into my pants.”

jiwoong’s face contorted into a scowl, and his words were harsh, “you just don't understand.”

you were taken aback; in all the time you've known him, from the very first day you saw him at the ceremony, he hasn't so much as given you that scowl, let alone spoken to you in such a tone. regret flashed across his face, but you were quick to the punch, “you know, jiwoong, i think i understand perfectly,” your voice was quivering now as you desperately tried to keep the lump in your throat down and the tears from spilling onto your cheeks, “you're just like people say they are.”

and with that, you stormed off from him, tears clouding your vision and the sob you'd held back ripping from your lungs, earning confused looks from the students you passed by, leaving jiwoong in your wake.

he never wanted to see you cry like you did after your detention with umbridge, but here he was, and he was the cause of it.

v.

the following weeks consisted of avoiding jiwoong at all possible costs. you sat at the tables furthest from him in the classes you shared, sat at your house table in the great hall with your back facing slytherin entirely, and not even bothering to go to the lake, because you'd seen him there waiting for you, likely to try and fix the damage he had caused. but he made himself clear, and you were going to stick to that.

you were sat now in defense against the dark arts, cracking jokes with your friends in a futile attempt to feel better, and the room grew quiet when professor snape waltzed in, his usual intolerance for the chatter evident. he soon at the front of the room, voice deep and stern, as he began the lesson, “you all are in your sixth year now, and i suspect you've learnt enough in this class to be able to hold your own in a duel.”

an excited buzz filled the room; dueling was prohibited around school grounds, so this was an exciting thing to hear him say. he looked around the room once again, as if he was analyzing each student and their abilities. finally, he said, “i want y/n and jiwoong up to the front. an unlikely pairing, but both adept and skilled in this class.”

you could feel your heart sink at hearing jiwoong’s name called with yours, but you refused to let it affect you. instead, you would show him just how hurt you were, just how much his actions affected you.

jiwoong stood up hesitantly, watching you march down to the center of the room where professor snape had conjured up boundaries, and stood waiting. he reluctantly followed suit, standing across from you as professor snape went over the rules.

“wands at the ready!”

once given the cue to duel, jiwoong's expression became that of stone; you couldn't tell what he was thinking, or how he was feeling, but you couldn't find it in yourself to care. instead, you casted spells at each other relentlessly, the students surrounding you erupting in cheers at how exciting the duel was getting.

you could tell he was getting lost in thought, because he wasn't dodging as well as he could have and he was hardly sending anything back. the rest of the slytherin students began booing at him, yelling for him to get it together, and it seemed to fuel him, but it was too late.

“expelliarmus!” you shouted, knocking his wand across the room and sending his body to the ground with a thud. your chest was rising and falling rapidly as you caught your breath, wand still pointed at him, and anger glimmering in your eyes as you stared at him.

he was at a loss, and hung his head in shame as snape announced you as the winner of the duel.

––––

you don't know what, but later in the day you felt compelled to go to your spot by the lake. you'd only seen jiwoong there at night, so you were hoping to catch a break at some point in the place you missed so much. you were grateful to see it empty, and plopped down with your things as you basked in the sunlight beaming down on you.

you breathed in deeply, appreciating the fresh air after such an eventful day. but a voice drew you out, a very familiar one, and you could feel your chest begin to tighten, “i thought i might find you out here.”

you opened your eyes and looked up, catching sight of jiwoong, his hair disheveled and the bags under his eyes unmistakable. you felt a pang of sadness, but still said, “what do you want?”

“to talk, y/n,” the tone of his voice was desperate, pleading, “please.”

there was sincerity in his expression and you found yourself motioning for him to sit. you were silent, because you had nothing to say to him quite yet. you didn't even know what to say. so instead, you stared at him and took him in again, trying so desperately not to let yourself fall and crash, but it was no use.

you turned and looked at the lake so he couldn't see you already crying, but he knew you were. he reached out and touched your leg, and when you didn't shove him away, he inched a little bit closer to you.

“y/n, i am so sorry, truly i am.” his apology hung in the air and you let it sink in, but you weren't sure you were ready to accept it. you needed to let him know just how badly he broke your heart, and if he showed he cared, you'd let him back in.

between your sniffles, you inquired, “why? why did you ignore me? after that night i thought things were going to change, i mean they felt different, jiwoong i though that maybe -” you cut yourself off to prevent any words you didn't want spewing out, “never mind, it's stupid anyway.”

jiwoong took your hand in his, giving you an encouraging squeeze, “please just say it.”

“i just,” you sighed, choosing your words carefully, slowly turning head back toward him to meet his eyes, “i thought that after something like that, maybe you liked me in the way i like you. but then you just started ignoring me and not meeting me at night and i just started overth-”

jiwoong pressed a chaste kiss to your lips, the sparkle in his eyes as he smiled at you luring you into him, urging you to kiss him again, but you didn't, because he was already talking, “i wouldn't have kissed you or slept with you if i didn't have the most intense feelings for you.”

“then why?”

“because i’m not used to feeling like this for someone, and it scared me to no end,” his confession was barely above a whisper, and there were tears welling up in his eyes, “but i really, really like you, y/n. a lot. the reputation excuse was just because i was scared to admit this out loud.”

“oh, jiwoong, you never have to be scared with me, not ever,” your actions reflected his from the night of your detention, reaching out to cup his face, and striking away his tears. he nuzzled into your hand, looking appreciative that you seemed to understand, like you always did. he leaned forward, kissing you again, the saltiness of both of your tears mixing in with it, but it made it all that much better.