Letters for you; excerpt from a book you’ll never read
Day 2
7/20/18
It’s over, kahit gaano ko inexpect, pinicture sa utak ko, when that moment came, I still wasnt ready. Bakit ang bilis? Hind ko matanggap na sinukuan mo ako ng ganun kabilis. Sobrang bilis bang sabihin ng “Ayoko na”, “wala na”, “tama na” “pagod na ako” “wala na akong gana” . I was trying to read everything you were typing at that moment with a brave heart. Akala ko di masakit, pero ang sakit; ang sakit sakit. Right now, 48 hrs ka ng walang paramdam. Hindi ko alam, kung ano ng nangyayari sayo. Ang alam ko lang, ang sakit. Sobra...Sobrang sakit. Ang unfair eh. Na feel ko ako lang yung hirap, ako lang yung nasasaktan, ako lang yung umiyak. I know youre doing fine without me. Prolly felt better na wala ako sa buhay mo. Habang ako nandito, luhaan, malungkot. Ang dami dami kong gustong sabihin, Y. Pero wala na. Wala na. Tulad ng sabi mo. Wala na. Wala na akong karapatan. Wala ka na ding nararamdaman. Ang sakit talaga. Akala ko maaayos pa. Kasi willing ako. Willing ako. I was ready to risk. Maybe it was too late. Pero wala ka rin namang ginawa, Idk...were you that selfish? Am I?
Y, God knows how much I was trying to understand you, your situation. Damn, I did. I tried so hard. But it wasn’t enough. In the end you still put the blame on me, ako pa rin yung selfish para sayo. Ang unfair. You want me to read the air. Know what youre thinking, what youre saying kahit wala kang sinasabi. I was always asking you. How you feel. What you were thinking. You never gave me answers. You never tried to fix it. You ignored it. Maybe you felt like it wasnt worth it. Feel mo siguro, this is my dilemma, my anxiety, I should fix it myself. Maybe you thought hindi dapat ako namomroblema. Idk. Whatever. It doesnt matter. Wala ka ng paki sakin. I knew it. Sa pagsabi mo pa lang ng “ayoko na” “wala na” very final and firm. Ilang beses kitang tinanong if wala na talaga pero paulit ulit na “wala na” ang sinagot mo. Ayoko na din Y. Ayoko nang umiyak. Pagod na rin ako. Pero hindi ko mapigilan. Iniisip pa rin kita. Iniisip mo rin ba ako? Did you cry? Were you even sad? Ayoko na, ang hirap. Sana mawalan na rin ako ng gana. Tulad mo. I wish i can give you up as easy as how you gave us up. I wasnt even giving up. Not even near giving up. God, i was trying so hard to fix everything. Pero ayaw mo na. And sana dumating na rin yung araw na masasabi ko for real na ayoko na.
-S
