After We Collided emerges from an explosion at the young adult romance factory with random bits from other movies sticking through its chest. This sequel to the 2019 After is a Christmas movie, an erotic romance, a soap opera, a workplace fantasy, a parade of clichés, and a wacky comedy all in one. Over and over, you’ll wonder, “Did what I see actually happen?”
It appeared that Tessa (Josephine Langford) had forgiven Hardin (Hero Fiennes Tiffin) when she discovered he only began dating her on a dare but they've broken up. One month later, Hardin is a mess while Tessa is beginning a prestigious internship at Vance Publishing, working alongside the handsome Trevor Matthews (Dylan Sprouse). Desperate to win her back, Hardin approaches Tessa. Despite her best efforts, she finds herself drawn to him again.
I've seen After twice but when After We Collided began, I had to go back and review its conclusion. This movie tells you to forget everything, that this is “a story you’ve heard before. Only difference is this isn’t that story”. Hardin has gone from the rich, moody bad-boy to sleeping in his car next to grumbling hobos. Compared to its predecessor, this movie's been cranked to 11. We went from a PG university romance with a major plot point about Tessa losing her virginity to an R-Rating with as many sex scenes as 50 Shades of Grey. Anna Todd must've seen 365 Days and told the studio “My movie made you a whole bunch of money and you’re going to repay me by showing the world what Hero Fiennes Tiffin looks like naked”. You don't see the sausage and meatballs but every other slab of beef the actor has to offer is proudly on display. This movie is unashamed to be for the ladies only, which is why Josephine Langford’s fun bits are nowhere to be seen.
Speaking of Langford, her character has scored the opportunity of a lifetime. It only takes the 19-year-old college dropout a day to get promoted to a prestigious position that includes a new wardrobe and benefits most of us could only dream of. Christian Vance (Charlie Webber) is the greatest boss ever. He’s so kind you keep expecting a twist, You think we’ll get another Mr. Hyde from 50 Shades Darker style but instead, we receive this subplot about his son and Tessa’s new best friend Kimberly (Candice King) that's so bland and badly executed it makes you think maybe the Hardin/Tessa thing ain't so bad.
There are no werewolves, vampires, or secret societies of angels but After We Collided is pure fantasy. It’s like it was written by someone who’s never been in a relationship or held a job, who cobbled what it must be like from reading romance books and Hallmark movies. This series’ “Jacob” is like what a computer would think a boyfriend should be like. Meanwhile, characters you assumed would be important, like Hardin’s black stepbrother and Tessa’s former best friend Landon (Shane Paul McGhie) might as well have been killed in a car crash between movies he’s so not here. The villains we saw previously? they’re back and even more vindictive than before. At every turn, someone cranks up the drama by letting loose some wild revelation or brandishing a grand gesture.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with a story beginning as a piece of fanfiction of a self-insert fantasy if it grows to become more. The problem/best thing about After We Collided is that it only shows restrain when it comes to the nude scenes. This 2nd installment of the series (out of 4) is always going in the most improbable directions it could. It always chooses the most dramatic route - logic and taste be damned. It’s all about making the love scenes more titillating, the heartbreaks world-shattering, and the arguments the kind that could level mountains. When it’s safe to do so, get your friends together, watch the first movie, and then this one back-to-back. You won’t know what hit you. (November 28, 2020)
