[Motherhood]
I have always adamantly opposed motherhood, convincing myself to be the type of person who cannot properly rear a child without becoming overwhelmed and impatient very quickly. But the funny thing about that is I'm starting to change, just like everyone said I would. I don't know what it is about time, but I've started to think in terms of "When I have kids..." and "My children...". I can't figure out if this is some form of internalized misogyny coming to the forefront now that I'm in my 20s or if it's some kind of natural pull, but I'm seriously considering having kids. I was watching a vlog from one of my favorite natural hair youtubers (Napturally85) who just announced her pregnancy and I caught myself thinking, "She looks so beautiful and radiant. I hope I look as lovely as she does when I'm pregnant." Granted, kids aren't apart of the plan right now and won't be until I'm 30 at least (my mother had me when she was 30).
But I really think studying feminism is a huge factor in my sudden desire to procreate. I really want to rear a daughter who will be more confident and stronger than I ever was when I was younger. I want to cultivate her in all of the right ways, affirming her value and worth from birth. I want her to grow up believing she's a queen, that she is perfection. I started reading a bunch of black feminism books since I've been chilling here for the past week and it just amazes me how empowering this knowledge makes me feel. I want my daughter to feel that early on. I have so many books already annotated and highlighted to the brim just sitting in my room, waiting for me to use them as parental guides as my daughter grows and develops. I know some aspects of oppression will still affect her in ways that I cannot easily explain or nurture away, but I want to give her the tools to be able to think critically about everything she's exposed to. I want to give her the chance to value her self in such a radical, beautiful way...
