Iām great. Iām not just telling myself that. I really feel improved. There isnāt a voice inside telling me that Iām worthless. There are no voices that tell me to do anything. I am finally alone with my own thoughtsāas much as they are my[ME1]Ā own. Because your thoughts arenāt determined independently of your environment after all. Thatās evidence that thereās some determinism at play with the human condition.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā How many people create? Independently of work, in a self-directed way, how many people make creations? I think itās a small proportion of the population. Out of those people who do create, how many do it because it feels like a calling? How many do it because not doing it feels like wasting away? Personally, I write because I need to. Itās a skill that I need to continue to practice in order to perform well in a job that I hope I will get. A job that is research intensive or at least writing oriented.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Can you say the same? Do you have a reason for writing or drawing or painting? I wish I could paint or draw. Because just consuming media is zombie-like. I want to have something to say. I want to have a contribution to the scores of works that are viewable. I wouldnāt say this is creative writing. This is just journaling.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I feel like I need to have a goal to function. If I donāt have anything Iām working towards, I fall back to a feeling of meaninglessness. Do you understand? Are you the same as me? Most people I think are goal oriented too but they donāt also have that existential pitfall. Or maybe they do. Maybe itās not as uncommon as I think.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Again, Iām okay now. I know I wonāt always be okay. Thatās okay too. But right now, as I am writing this, I feel relatively well. I feel that writing like this has been helping me more than my medication, but I have no way of proving that. Iām twenty-three and turning a year older at the tail end of this year. Itās a little distressing honestly. I feel that I havenāt accomplished anything yet. And I really havenāt. I have a desire to create a work, but I donāt know what about yet. I donāt know if I have the tenacity or enough creativity to create something worthwhile. But weāll see.
