#self empathy

The scale is not a god.

Some days are so easy. Some days I look at myself the same way I look at a bouquet of flowers. Other days, I remind myself that I’m doing my best. Today is an “other day”.

Do you have a question to ask? What you wrote is quite confused and misguided, which is basically what Ti loop sounds like. The “funny” thing about Ti loop is that infjs convince themselves that they’re trying to “stay true to myself” when, actually, what they’re trying to stay true to is their fake self-image. Imagine that you felt more safe and comfortable wearing a pretty mask in public, then you became so dependent on it that you wore it in private too, and you wore it so long that you eventually came to believe it was your true face. Then imagine how hard your life would be when every single encounter in the world threatened to unmask you and reveal to you the awful ugliness underneath. That is Ti loop, and fear keeps infjs highly motivated to guard themselves from perceived threats. You can’t accept feeling incapable because you are addicted to wearing the “mask of capability” despite the fact that it leads you toward self-destruction; the mask brings you an immediate but false sense of safety and esteem that you aren’t willing to relinquish.

Social psychologists talk about “self-handiccapped strategies” as this coping mechanism one can use in order to manage the impressions he makes on others, by preparing oneself to fail and to have excuses ready for that failure. It consists on putting oneself in difficulties in order to avoid having to engage fully in the process of fully engaging into a given work. It often pertains in self-esteem issues, as the person is unconsciously motivated to fail as an attempt to “prove” one’s constructed weaknesses.

I feel like these kind of strategies are actually really common, and as a practicer of them myself, it raises quite a few questions.

First, I feel like these strategies are a really convenient way to avoid directly facing one’s poor self-esteem, as it is often not encouraged, or stigmatized. People generally don’t like to be seen as weak or clingy, because of fear of judgmental feedback. It often takes courage to admit to one’s own shortcomings without shame, even though shame is not a correct reaction, as it is an emotion originally designed to account for moral dilemnas, not social ones. Lack of acknowledgment of one’s self-esteem issues should be thought as a social problem, not a moral problem, in order to put feelings of shame in perspective. The problem should ideally be objectified, as there is nothing morally wrong with having poor self-esteem, in an attempt to honestly adress the roots of it and working incrementally to build more self-acceptance on it.

Here comes another point : even when one recognize his self-esteem issues, it can seem to be a never-ending issue, and it is quite difficult to find strategies to conquer these feelings without putting oneself at risk of simply suppress them (which will utlimately result in them coming back in unexpected ways). I feel like the pressure to perform can be a trigger for that problem, as the individual is prompted not to dwell for too long in these feelings (accusations of self-pity), which mean that they are not adressed properly, neither considered as valid enough facts to focus one’s attention about. It is thus really important to find outlets to adress these feelings without feeling pressured to have them all quickly figured out, but with a mindset of improving self-love and self-empathy. As long as these elements are not considered as an entirely valid and secure go-to-zone for the individual, the individual is at risks of constantly rushing from his poor self-esteem issues, feeling as though something is “wrong” with him/her.

To nurture self-esteem and help develop self-empathy and self-niceness instead of self-inflicted hopelessness and despair, I think of the importance of creativity, self-consciousness (journalling, meditation), emotional shareness (in any context of emotional safety), displays of altruistic care (acts of service) and a genuine willingness to grow. This is NOT a moral problem, but the reason why it can seem to be a moral problem is also because I think we have very biased ideas about what “morality” and “moral behaviors” are, thus leading us to expect from ourselves unrealistic standards of “goodness” that we can’t live by. I recommend that you check out this Ted Talk on this : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2cixaL9H3U.