#self actualisation

I read the ‘sweet little goldfish’ as the fandom’s celebration of the show’s rebuttal of Stede’s masculine dream sequence, and I too love cooing over his adorableness here. But I agree, it doesn’t always take into account Stede’s needs, nor how I think Ed actually sees Stede during the vision. It shapes Stede as something performative for Ed. But Stede is not an emotional support pet, and Ed doesn’t see him as such.

Ed alters his comment from mermaid to merman to merperson. Stede is definitely not a mermaid. I am forever grateful they chose to give Stede a trident which is carried traditionally by mer-men. Merstede is presented as the perfect mixture of theatrical whimsy and a certain masculine strength - which is everything Stede is; and it’s clear this is what Ed wants, though Ed does appear to focus a little more on the ‘orange sparkle’.

What Stede possibly takes, however, from being imagined as a merman is a little different. Stede almost certainly has a classical education and is well-versed in Greek mythology. I think the ‘Sea God’ comment could be interpreted as a through-line from his conversation with Ed that morning.

Stede might be equating himself with someone such as Triton, a fish-tailed, demigod, symbolic of a more traditional masculinity, including a beard. The attention over Ned Low and Ed’s merman comment meld together for Stede into a new hubris. And this causes Ed to panic.

Stede possibly goes too far in the opposite direction in 207, forgetting the ‘orange and sparkly’ parts of himself, and focusing instead on traditional masculine identities and behaviours.

The thing is Merstede, or let’s say Stede, is neither the sparkly goldfish nor the sea god. Or he’s some combination of both in the middle. Importantly, Ed’s vision is also that combination - Ed sees a Merman.

Merstede is orange and sweet and sparkly, and muscly, and self-assured, and carries a big spear. He’s incredibly complex, and it’s making sense of those seemingly-contradictory traits - the goldfish/sea-god, gentleman/pirate - which I guess is some of the season 3 work we need to see Stede undergo. Stede deserves to have all aspects of himself fully actualised, as does Ed.

If we do call Stede a ‘sweet little goldfish’, we maybe need first to recognise that he is being himself for himself, not for Ed. Else we’re wanting Stede to perform for Ed, as Ed was tasked with performing for Izzy. Just as Ed’s right is to simply ‘be Edward’ for Edward, so it’s Stede’s right to ‘be Stede’ for Stede. And it’s in that freedom to be themselves truly for the first time that their relationship can grow.

just something I’ve come to realise as of recent— probably a little late, considering I’ve just turned 17 as of January and something like that seems so obvious. Between the 24 (and counting) drafts I have on here and the unfinished musings littering my journal— to the countless illusions of human form I draw these days that remain faceless— I have come to realise how my own self perception and insecurity in who I am simply as a person (beyond the creations I bare) has horribly and grotesquely limited me. I suppose I’ve always had the shadow of the idea lingering in the back of my head— like a brand to a window on a stormy night in my hyperbolic childhood bedroom, it scared me and I didn’t want to face it because I was unsure of what it truly was. But recently, I decided to address the whisper of contempt lingering every time I create. As I write this, I am rather dizzy with fatigue as I am coming off of having been ill— and the contemptuous voice is as loud as ever. It questions the validity of what I say, the verbosity, the lack of structure I seem to convince myself my writings have. Whenever I’ve spoken of my ‘perfectionism’ in the past, the bitter words that linger like a bad smell were truly what I meant. I overexplain and I overthink, I criticise myself to the point of the extreme and I feel as if I severely lack the capacity to be kind and appreciate what I write on here. Whenever I get compliments, I do appreciate them and they do soothe the feeling of inadequacy my mind loves to pump into me. But sometimes, it’s hard for me to believe them. I’ve been told that I’m well spoken and that I am intelligent— I’ve been told I’m emotionally mature and that I’ve got a brain ‘beyond my years’. All of that shit feels stupid to me. Don’t get me wrong— I find people who take the time out of their day to compliment me on the way I express myself or speak to be very lovely and I will always be grateful for the praise I’ve received as I’m sure there’s someone on the same level— If not levels above— me who doesn’t get half of the praise I do. But that’s the problem. I, in laymen’s terms and without over saturating a small feeling I have, feel undeserving of the praise I receive. Not because it’s objectively poor— but because I did it. But because it was me that those words were placed so carefully next to eachother like bricks to construct a house of personally-formulated-esotericism-laden ideology. I feel embarrassed that it took me so long, but I’m glad I did. I guess I can look at my work differently now— even if I struggle with that. But when I sit there and think about some of my favourite literature and think ‘and what if it had been me to say that?’ in reference to some of my favourite lines in literature— and I realise ‘it wouldn’t be as good in my eyes because it would have been me to spew the words’, it puts into perspective for me, just how little respect I have for my own intelligence and work. Which, yeah, is lowkey pathetic that I have a lacking repertoire with myself— but at least now I’ve acknowledged it. This kinda ties back into my post about acceptance— I just have to accept this part of me, and then I can improve on the things I’ve been neglecting because of my entire ‘why bother, it’s my work’ attitude, you know?

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Having the realization that you are worth more than the way you have been treating yourself and you deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and compassion, will help anyone to break free from any illusions and face the reality of a relationship, career, friendship or life in general. You taking back your power and saying ‘I deserve better’ is the ultimate self-love moment, where you finally stand up for yourself, take control of your life and decide to change, as your own internal toxicity is not serving you anymore. Finding the inner strength and courage to walk away from anything that does not serve your highest good anymore, is an act of self-respect.

But before engaging in adding up new healthy ways of thinking, habits and lifestyles, it’s important to go through a cutting away process. Removing the extra weights, which may be toxic people, environments, habits or negative feelings or painful memories or grudges or past trauma and wounds. A deep cleanse must take place, before the restructuring and reprogramming of your system, for the simple reason, if someone is still holding on to old ways of being, manifested reality will be a repetition of old cycles.

Healing is done best by going to the root, identifying the wounds, narratives they generated due to trauma, limiting beliefs, insecurities, doubts, projections and shedding such layers that are not a reflection of your true authentic being.  After a period of healing and inner work it will become easier to engage in activities that contribute to a conscious, intentional and healthy lifestyle and form healthy habits more efficiently.

However, after going through this first stage of healing and self-actualization, you must develop a high-level self-love which is a combination of self-compassion (divine mother energy) and self-respect (divine father energy), in order to maintain balance in your life, so that you will not get lost in being obsessively spiritual or destructive, as both these extremes are deadly and artificial ways of living. Walking on the middle path with awareness, mindfulness, conscious, intentional way of living is considered to be sustainable for human beings.