If any other clinical lycanthropes/zoanthropes have advice I would really love to hear it. I am in a difficult spot and no one who knows me could ever understand, and if I tried to tell them, they would just lock me up again.
I do sometimes wonder when schizophrenia started to affect me, and how that aligns with being a lycanthrope.
As far back as I can remeber my human life, I've always had behaviors that indicated I am a wolf. I spent my childhood in the woods, acting as though I was one. As I got older those behaviors didn't change much, I just learned to hide them in public. I always felt like I was an animal, and I knew something about my body was off. I have had many times as dating back to when I was a child where I could feel my wolf body, and it has always felt right.
My mental health started getting increasingly bad around 10-11, with what I think we're the beginning of my psycotic episodes. But that was only the extreme parts of it. I can't tell how far back the mental problems themselves started.
When I was 15 I had my first full transformation. I can't remember much of it now, but it was scary. It felt both terrifying and exhilarating. It's hard for me to peice together what is real and what isn't.
If I am truly a wolf, or was one before becoming whatever I am now, then what about my past is real and what isn't? What things did I really experience? Is my life fabricated?
I don't think I will ever know. Every day that passes I become more confused. My medication is supposed to make this stop, but it isn't. Is that a sign that I was never really a person? That my "delusions" aren't delusions at all? That I really am a wolf. And if I am, and always was, how do I cope with losing who I was? Or am I losing who I am now instead? I don't really know.
All I know is this is a painful life to live.
