#scientists sitcom

Astronomer: I became an astronomer because space is cool

Chemist: I became a chemist because explosions are cool

Archeologist: I became an archeologist because Indiana Jones is cool

Mycologist: I. Fucking. LOVE. Mushrooms.

Paleontologist: Uh…

(multiple red dots appear on my forehead)

Geologist: I do more math than you might think

Chemist: I mean, chemical equations are basically mathematical equations. If you think about it (I also do math math)

Physicist: Oh, yeah, it’s all math but we just handwave it

Mathematician: YOU DO WHAT!?

Quantum Physicist: *regularly does math that is literally beyond human comprehension* *now resides in a higher plane of existence*

Engineer: If I don’t do this math correctly PEOPLE WILL DIE

Military Scientist: If I don’t do this math correctly PEOPLE WILL SURVIVE

Topologist: If I don’t do this math correctly PEOPLE WILL BE MOSTLY UNAFFECTED

Philosopher: But what even IS math, really? No seriously, what is it?

Organic Chemist: I kinda forgot how to do math, to be honest

Biologist: I literally only chose this field so I wouldn’t have to do as much math. I love stamp collecting

Biologist: Can't do math

Theoretical Physicist: Can’t do anything but math

Geologist: Rock collection addict

Military Scientist: Meet the Engineer TF2

Archeologist: Thinks about the Roman Empire more times a day than most men think about sex 

Sexologist: Thinks about sex more times a day than most men think about the Roman Empire

Chemist: A pyromaniac and/or is very fun at parties

Science Communicator: Is only fun at parties when everyone else there are nerds

Mycologist/Entomologist: They are VERY interested and passionate about gross things and THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM

Geology: I think geology should be one of the big fields of science. It doesn’t really fit neatly as a branch of physics, chemistry, or biology since it draws on all three.

Physics: No. For one, everything is physics so that argument doesn't mean anything.

Biology: UnLeSs iT's StAmP CoLlEcTiNg, right?

Physics: *sighs*

Biology: Also we’re called ‘the big three’, if we added another then it’d be, like, more than three. Some mysterious higher number.

Chemistry: Besides, we’re the big fields because we’re the most important and popular.

Geology: Geology is important! We’re the ones who find all the oil to mine! 

Biology: Yeah, could you stop doing that, actually? It’s kinda, y’know, causing the slow apocalypse as we speak. But at least it’s better than the fast nuclear apocalypse, physics.

Physics: Ummm… You know what? I’ve had enough of you stamp collectors with your… uh… collections of things! I'm not letting you join our club unless you can do math. 

Biology: *Gasps* not math…

Geology: *hides rock collection behind back* Hey, I do… math. Sometimes.

Physics: Yeah? Like what?

Geology: Oh, y’know, just some geometry and a little geophysical fluid dynamics of the entire mantle, ocean, and atmosphere.

Physics: Oh, shit, I can't even do that. You’re in.

Chemistry: Alright, but don’t let the social sciences know we’re letting new people in or-

Inorganic Chemist: Actually, boron, carbon, aluminum, silicon, arsenic, tellurium, and astatine are metalloids

Astronomer: Everything but hydrogen and helium are metals.

Physicist: all nonmetals become metallic under very high pressure and low temperature.

Biology: You always accuse me of not being able to do math, Physics, but can you STAMP COLLECT???

Physics: Uh, sure! I can collect things… like… um…

Biology: Uh-huh?

Physics: I mean, I got a bunch of cool looking Greek symbols!

Biology: Which you invented arbitrarily, not discovered.

Physics: They represent things I discovered! Like phenomena and physical constants!

Biology: And what kind of taxonomy do those have? Do you even have entire sub disciplines dedicated purely to organizing the sheer number of these phenomena and constants? Are there even millions and millions of categories in it?

Physics: Um, wait, you have entire fields dedicated to organizing your stamp collections?

Biology: Why, of course! Sure sounds like you've got a pretty shit collection, then. I bet any attempt at making a universally consistent naming convention or taxonomy isn’t even an impossible Sisyphean struggle against the inherent chaos and inelegance of nature which is entirely incompatible with the human desire to categorize things that by their very nature cannot be categorized. I bet there aren’t even exceptions with exceptions to every rule. Weak. 

Science Major: Man, I sure wish I had time to enjoy college but I have so much studying and homework to do. At least I'll get an easy high paying job after, right?

Physicist: I think I have a pretty good work life balance (does not, actually) and I think my grad students should have the same work life balance (which is not having that)

Astronomer: I work *about 40 hour weeks, but sometimes there are hours are in the middle of the night 'cause, y'know, stars. But who needs a consistent sleep schedule, really? Not me. I got Redbull.

Geologist: Sometimes I get to spend 15 hours a day wandering through the desert in severe weather conditions looking for cool rocks! also I have to like survey the land or whatever so I can get money

Chemist: Oh, you know, my PI only lets me see my family at night for dinner, then I have to come back and sleep in the lab, but overall I’d say I’m not too stressed.

Physician: Well, I had to work really hard, so why shouldn't everyone else have to work even harder? I'm sure the patients could only benefit from everyone being sleep deprived.

Biologist: I work so much I don’t even remember the last time I wasn’t working.

Science Major: huh?

Biologist: I MUST OBSERVE THE CRAB AT ALL TIMES. I OBSERVE THE CRAB EVEN AS WE SPEAK. IF I DO NOT PUBLISH 60 PAPERS ON CRAB BEHAVIOR BY NEXT YEAR MY COLLEAGUES WILL SENSE MY WEAKNESS AND DEVOUR ME ALIVE, LIKE A PACK OF STARVING CRABS

Computer Scientist: Um… I work from home for at most 8 hours a day then play video games

Biologist: *licks lips*