#sayazake

As of late, I'd been telling myself I wanted to do more things by myself and get out of my comfort zone. Yesterday I went to this premiere for one of my favorite shows on Netflix and they showcased a a few sneak peeks at new episode for the third season. I didnt tell a soul because I didnt want anyone to be like WOW THATS DOPE, CAN I COME?! I went and it was kind of awkward and I loved it. The showing was phenomenal as I knew it would be. The last episode was absolutely phenomenal and it shook me so hardcore because as I watched it it made me think "This is what this show is about! This particular artist feels like the leader of this series, when I think of this show I think of his style" 

I left the theater wanting to be on his team somehow and I thought about it on the ride home and i was so happy. I saw this event that was a social networking event in brooklyn and it was free so yesterday I told myself I'd go to it today, I didnt and i felt kind of bad about it. I slept and I woke up like "You're nobody special bro" and for some reason this thought didn't spiral me, it did however make me think.

I'm sort of in this space of taking in so much and putting out so much that I'm like where am I aiming? What am I doing? Why am I trying so hard to prove what/who i am? So im not a great photographer who can make money if i dont go to social networking events? I'm not a great photographer if I don't have a billboard or a billion people looking at my stuff? All of this marketing and "hey look at me" is so try hard sometimes. The thought I led with is "Who says this is the way?" Nobody is making me do this and I think it's the thought of me being older looking back saying  "I used to make art but it never went anywhere that I'm not willing to even accept as a possibility." I suppose my situation currently puts a strain on my vision because of the dirt im picking up, yet I also think there will always be dirt. SO at the end of the day its a game of trust and being yourself that propels you forward, not the constant self masturbatory reminder of the gifts you possess but actually being the gift. The gift isn't outside of ourselves. In a way , there is no camera, there is no pencil or paintbrush when i get to be those things and more so I AM those things.