#saveriseofthetmnt

Leo never considered himself the type to cry. It was just part of his personality. He didn’t like the feeling or the sensation of moisture welling up in his eyes every time he did. But above all, he didn’t like seeing the worried looks on his family’s faces when this happened; sometimes, he could feign sadness just to annoy his family (that was enjoyable and fun), but he detested those worried looks; he hated the idea of seeing them with downcast eyes, full of doubt, trying to pry into his secrets to figure out why his eyes had filled with those loathsome tears.

That’s why, over time, he became an expert at crying in private, or on very rare occasions (when the situation truly became unbearable) he could let a couple of tears fall in front of others. Like when his grandmother died, or when he was in the dimensional prison. He knew that sometimes the situation was just too much and he simply had to let it out, but in general, he always considered himself a guy who didn’t cry.

Or at least that was the case until a while ago…

It was after a day on a mission. Everything had gone well, to be honest—they’d managed to prevent a robbery, his strategy had worked out great, and his brothers were happy. Raph even congratulated him afterward, telling him he was getting good at being a leader.

Damn! Even his father came over to say he was proud of how much he’d matured lately—something that had made him jump for joy inside.

So why the hell was he crying?

Alone in his room, in the silence of the night, trying to fall asleep, he suddenly—without warning—began to feel sad. And before he could even figure out where this sadness was coming from, his eyes were already filled with tears. He didn’t understand it—where was this sadness coming from? The day had gone great; he should have been happy—and in fact, consciously, he was—but his subconscious seemed to decide that being sad was the best option for that moment.

That night, he found no answer; he cried for a while and then managed to calm down. By the next day, everything was back to normal for him—there was no reason to be sad.

But then it happened again, weeks later, once more in the solitude of his room: tears—tears with no reason, tears that seemed to come from absolutely nowhere. He tried to calm them by distracting himself—reading a comic or looking at some memes on his phone. It helped to some extent, though it didn’t completely solve the problem.

A month went by, and it happened again… And again…

Every so often, tears would fall for no apparent reason. It was something that really bothered him. Was he cursed? Maybe he’d given a witch in the Hidden City a dirty look? Perhaps the answer lay in the mystical realm?

He investigated on his own, trying to figure out if he was cursed or something like that. He tried observing himself with Donnie’s equipment, asked Mikey about his ninpo without specifying why (the boy could sense those changes), and even took the drastic step (much to his chagrin) of seeing Draxum to ask if he was cursed in some way—again, without explaining why he was asking… But nothing; none of his attempts yielded any results.

He seemed completely healthy, mystically and spiritually speaking; this should have put his mind at ease, but instead it annoyed him even more—it didn’t solve his problem.

What was happening to him?

He tried to keep it a secret; after all, it was just a minor detail. He could still be a leader even with this. His family was fine, and that was what mattered.

There was no reason for them to find out about this if it didn’t affect anyone, right?

-----o-----

It had been a difficult night to sleep. The snappy turtle felt he hadn’t burned off enough energy to fall asleep, and exercising at that hour would only make him feel tired but not sleepy. So he got out of bed and went to the kitchen to make himself a glass of warm milk; when he was a child, his father had once given him one to help him sleep, and it had worked, so it wasn’t a bad idea to try it again.

After his snack, he set out to return to his train car and try to sleep again, but something stopped his slow, lazy stride—a strange noise. It was coming from Leo’s car—it was subtle, something he wouldn’t have noticed at any other time: a slight sniffle and soft but steady, labored breathing. It was very faint, but he heard it, and that was enough to set his older brother’s instincts in motion.

“Hey… Leo?” he asked softly as he opened the door slightly.

He saw his brother stir slightly “Ra-Raph?... Hey, how’s it going?” he saw him smile, but something didn’t feel right.

“Uh… Nothing. I just wanted to check on you. Raph can’t sleep” His brother’s eyes were a little red.

“Ha… Welcome to the club…” Leo laughed dryly; his smile was somewhat comforting “Well, I can’t sleep either, but I should be able to soon, so don’t worry, big guy”

“Raph was coming from the kitchen... Want me to bring you something?...” Leo seemed about to decline the offer, but Raph interrupted him “How about some tea?”

“... Heh, what’s with all this kindness, bro? Do you want me to let you win in tomorrow’s training session?” he asked with a smug wave of his hand.

“Hehe… For that to happen, you’d have to beat me first before making that offer… And no, I just want to help you” that caught Leo a little off guard; his smile faded for a moment, though it quickly returned.

“Okaaay... I’ll take you up on that” with that, Raph headed back to the kitchen “...Thanks” he heard as he was leaving.

“Anytime, bro” he replied with a half-smile.

The snappy turtle walked restlessly to the kitchen; something was up with Leo—he could sense it, but he didn’t know what it was. As he made tea, he kept thinking about what he’d heard. “It sounded like he’d been crying” he noticed from his slightly red eyes, his somewhat labored breathing, and the way he tried to hide the fact that he’d sniffled when Leo entered his car.

But why was he crying?

Leo isn’t the type to cry; he rarely does, to be honest, and only when things are really bad.

But now? Nothing bad has happened.

Or has it?

“Maybe I should keep him company for a while; maybe something’s bothering him and he hasn’t told me” he thought to himself.

Once he finished his tea, he headed back to the red-eared turtle’s car. He didn’t really know how to approach Leo when it came to emotions; he just hoped that his position as the older brother would give him a slight advantage here, and that Leo wouldn’t be as evasive as he used to be. “I wish Mikey were awake…” he thought to himself.

“Tea for an annoying leader” he remarked as he walked in, which made Leo chuckle slightly.

“Don’t you mean ‘handsome’?” Leo replied, amused; he seemed to be in a good mood.

“No, I think Mikey beats you there” Leo exhaled, sounding both offended and amused; he accepted the cup and took a sip.

Raph sat down next to him on the bed, noticing Leo’s puzzled look; he sighed, feeling a bit uncomfortable.

“Um… shouldn’t you be going to sleep?” he asked awkwardly. Raph didn’t answer right away. “Raph, is something wrong?”

“I don’t know… I should be the one asking you that” he said, looking him straight in the eye. Leo set the mug aside.

“I’m fine… Come on! It’s just a little insomnia” he smiled calmly and gave him a light tap on the shoulder “I’ve always had it, but I always end up falling asleep anyway, so don’t worry so much” he said, picking up his mug again and taking another sip of tea “… By the way, maybe you put too much sugar in it...”

“No, Leo! That’s not what I mean” he almost raised his voice, but lowered it as soon as he realized it “I’m sorry...” he looked away slightly at his younger brother’s doubtful expression.

With the hand opposite his brother’s, he nervously tugged a little at the sheet; nothing came to mind, so he just got straight to the point.

“You… were you crying?” he heard his brother spit out a little tea and cough afterward.

“Ugh… What? What are you talking about?” he replied, genuinely taken aback.

“I heard you from outside…” Leo seemed caught off guard.

“That…” He looked away, almost muttering to himself.

“I also noticed your eyes were a little wet and red when I came in earlier” his brother just responded with an annoyed snort, so Raph placed his hand on his shoulder “Leo, are you okay?”

“...I hate it when people ask me that...” he muttered irritably, but then looked at Raph “I guess I’m not sure”

“What are you talking about?... Then why were you crying?” a note of concern slipped into his voice.

“Would you believe me if I told you I don’t know?” he replied with a smile, but it didn’t have the desired effect on Raph.

“Leo…” He rubbed his eyes a little, briefly recalling the promise they’d both made after the invasion “We’ve already talked about this—no secrets... If you have any problems with being the leader, you can tell me” he was a little annoyed.

“I’m being honest with you!” Leo was the one who raised his voice now “I have no idea why he was crying” he seemed so sincere.

“What?”

The blue-banded turtle couldn't hide it any longer, especially since he remembered the promise he had made to his brother. He hated this, but he had to do it; he told him what had happened to him over the last few months—at least the most important parts. That sometimes he cried for no reason, that he’d already figured it out and that it wasn’t some kind of spell, and that he’d hidden it from the others not out of malice, but simply because he didn’t think it was important, knowing it didn’t affect his role as a leader. Raph’s annoyance began to subside as he listened to everything and saw how sincere Leo looked as he spoke; besides, something in his brother’s story reminded him of an event he’d witnessed—perhaps similar to what Leo was describing.

“I really don’t know why it started happening… And I don’t know how to stop it either…” he said, staring intently at his reflection in what was left of the tea in his cup “I guess I am a little broken…” he laughed bitterly.

“Don’t say that…” Raph sighed, patting him on the back “I think I know what’s happening to you”

“Really?” he asked with a touch of disbelief, but a hint of hope in his voice.

“Yeah… Do you remember when we went into dad’s mind?” Leo nodded—it wasn’t a day he’d easily forget “…And do you remember that when we came out, dad was crying?”

“Yeah, he complained about who’d put those tears in his eyes” he laughed a little at the memory; sometimes his father could be unintentionally funny “I guess he didn’t want to admit that seeing so many ugly memories had made him sad… I don’t blame him” he added quietly.

“Yeah, I thought the same thing at the time... But now that you've told me this, I have another idea” his brother looked at him, confused.

“What are you talking about? What does that have to do with what's happening to me?”

“Maybe... Pops really didn’t know why he was crying... That’s what I’m thinking now...” his leader looked skeptical; it didn’t make sense. He was about to refute the idea when he decided to continue “I never told you what I saw when I found the weapon...” Leo remained silent “I saw dad as a child and his mother, along with Grandpa Sho... His mother had to leave, but dad didn’t want her to, and he started crying… Grandpa Sho wouldn’t let him go after her; he stopped him, while dad just cried and begged…”

“…Wow… No wonder he hated Grandpa Sho… I’d hate him too” Leo remarked.

“Yeah… But then something strange happened—dad appeared right next to me… the dad I know now… And he was crying; I’d never actually seen him cry like that before” the younger one seemed a bit confused about where this story was going “Maybe he didn’t really remember what happened… But he did remember how he felt…”

“What? That doesn’t make sense… You don’t just remember feelings; you remember events, and that makes you feel things—not the other way around” he said, looking increasingly confused. It felt like when Donnie started rambling about his stuff.

“Actually, no... Mikey once told me that sometimes the unconscious remembers, but the conscious mind doesn't...” Leo was about to interrupt again, but Raph raised his hand “Let me finish... According to Mikey, our emotions are kind of tied to our memories... Sometimes our unconscious remembers things and we don't, but we do feel those emotions”

Leo was silent for a moment, processing what he’d just heard; he was having a hard time deciding whether it was the dumbest or the most brilliant thing he’d ever heard.

“... Ha... Mikey’s just like Donnie when it comes to feelings, huh?” he replied with a laugh; his older brother laughed too.

“Hehe... Well, there must be a reason Casey calls him a mystic warrior”

“Yeah... He’s the best of us...” he added quietly.

The blue-banded turtle remained silent longer than his older brother expected. He stared straight ahead, at nothing in particular, as if he were thinking about a million things at once; Raph was about to give him a little tap to bring him back to the present when he spoke again.

“So… what do we do now?” he looked at his brother; a hint of pleading and resignation escaped from his eyes and voice “Am I doomed to cry over things my stupid brain doesn’t remember?”

“...Uh... I don’t think it works that way...” he thought for a moment and placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder, to offer support “I guess you could try talking it out...”

“But about what?... I don’t know what’s making me feel sad” Leo put a hand to his head and scratched it in frustration “Believe me, I’m trying... But it’s hard” there was anguish and stress in his voice.

Raph remembered a similar comment his brother had made a few years ago, as well as the stress he himself had constantly felt back then.

“Leo... Does being the leader stress you out?” it wasn't a new question in their conversations, and he usually knew the answer, but he had a hunch.

“Haha... You already know the answer to that...” he sighed under Raph's gaze, that look of understanding that only he could grasp “Yes, it stresses me out, it scares me, and it's hard... But, I guess over time I don’t feel it as much anymore...” he looked at his own hands—that burden Raph used to carry and that he now carried himself; he understood his brother much better now than he had in the past “But what does that have to do with… my whole situation?”

“Because Raph cried too when he was leader”

Leo’s eyes widened in surprise; he hadn’t expected that “What? You mean—”

“Yeah, just like you, in my room… What do you think all those stuffed animals are for?” his little brother looked dumbfounded at Raph’s smile “It’s just that Raph knew exactly why he was crying… He was crying because of all the times everything almost ended in disaster… Like that time they threw you off the building”

“But in the end, you saved me… And yeah, that mission was a failure, but we all made it out alive”

“What if we hadn’t?… That’s what I was thinking that night… And it wasn’t just that—there were several other times we were in mortal danger...” his brother couldn’t argue with that “A lot of things could have gone wrong... You and I both know that...”

Leo felt Raph’s understanding—a connection he couldn’t share with anyone else. They both understood the weight of taking care of others. Leo knew he had more leadership talent than Raph, but that didn’t lessen his fear… Especially after everything that had happened.

“So, I’m crying because of stress? Is that what you’re saying?” he saw Raph nod.

“And I think… maybe if you talk about it, it could help you… Mikey firmly believes that if we talk things through, they can get better” he noticed Leo look away, nervous; he didn’t seem willing to share his thoughts right now. Raph sighed and patted him on the back “Don’t worry, I won’t pressure you… It’s not easy… It wasn’t easy for me either” he smiled at him sympathetically “But you know you can count on me if you ever start crying again… And don’t worry, I won’t tell the others” he winked at him, and Leo chuckled a little.

“Ha, when did you get so mature?” Leo teased, trying to lighten the mood, but already feeling better than before.

“Hey! I’ve always been this way” he grumbled with a laugh “Especially with the three of you under my care” he scratched Leo's head while Leo chuckled to himself “Now finish that tea and get some sleep”

“It must be cold by now…” he grumbled, but began to tuck himself in. He took advantage of the fact that Raph was getting ready to leave and looked at him with understanding “…Thanks, Raph… Seriously…”

Raph seized the moment and pounced on him, giving him a tight hug that his brother couldn’t escape.

“Ugh... Enough already... Let's not get so sentimental...” he complained as he tried to wriggle free; it was obvious that Raph was hugging him tight just to annoy him—his mischievous smile gave him away. Raph let go just as Leo was about to bite him, after Leo had kicked and struggled a lot.

“Sorry” he said without a trace of guilt “You made it too easy” Leo smiled gratefully at him.

After the invasion, Raph would “attack” Leo whenever he let his guard down—which, curiously enough, was always when his little brother got overly serious. It became a sort of game and a message his older brother would leave him through those little surprises: not to forget that he wasn’t alone, that his family was there for him, and that he didn’t have to stop being himself to be a leader.

Leo implicitly understood what his brother was trying to convey, much more clearly than any amount of talking could have. “If you cry again, talk to me about it”—maybe he’d said that during their conversation, but that silly, tight hug (which messed up his sheets) gave him a vote of confidence. Silly, but that’s how he got along with his brother.

With that, Raph said goodbye and left Leo to finally tuck himself in and rest, feeling better after all.