"Parental alienation is an emotional act of violence that is aimed at an adult, but critically wounds a child" - Steve Maraboli

Parents, you know that feeling of peace and calm, when you are first to wake up in your house, and you savor a nice cup of joe while your kids are all cozied up in their beds? I have not known that peace for a long time. It’s a distant feeling for me. I bought a house last summer, and my own kids have not ever slept in their rooms. I tend to avoid that part of the house, as the empty beds are stark reminders that I, Brian Lonkar, am a father of six who only see their dad a few hours every other week. It gets worse.

On top of this lonely life I’ve been trying to live these past few years, I continue to experience the fallout from my ex’s parental alienation, also known as emotional child abuse. According to the National Center of State Courts (2023), parental alienation is a campaign strategy whereby one parent intentionally displays unjustified negativity toward the other parent, with the goal of wielding that unjustified negativity to get the kids to turn on the other parent.

What is her motivation to behave this way? What good can come from this concerted effort of kid-brainwashing and dad-bashing? It’s not healthy and it’s not right. Why does she hate me so much that she fabricates stories and untruths to my children, not to mention all around town to anyone who will listen? You would think that since her own father abandoned her and lived in the same town for years, you would think she would not want to recreate the same scenario for her own children. When did this start? More importantly, when will this end? What has this looked like? How has this affected the mental health of myself, and more importantly, the mental health of our children?

In the hopes of thinking this through, what follows is a brief timeline of events in the past few years.

In the spring of 2021, shortly after an emotional blowout marriage counseling session, Cherrie filed for legal separation. I was the sole provider the first 15 years of marriage, yet once she started making some money, she was crystal clear that her money was HER MONEY, and her rapidly growing business was HER BUSINESS. While vacationing in the panhandle with a friend, she called and asked, “Separation or divorce?” She demanded a decision then and there, as then her lawyer would know what papers to file. I told her I didn’t really know the difference. Even though I was 99% sure this would lead to divorce, there was maybe a 1% chance of hope of still working things out. Well maybe less than 1%. So I said, “Separation, I guess”

A month later, in June 2021, she drove me around to a dozen apartments in town, and then she personally recommended the apartment complex for me to move into. Her rationale was that I had to move somewhere close. She chose this particular complex, as it was less than five miles from her house, and the kids had been to birthday parties there before. In addition, the kids had some pseudo-grandparent figures that lived there during the snowbird season. She asked me to leave the house immediately, but reluctantly agreed with my proposition that I needed a week to figure this all out, mentally prepare for my uprooting, and the big life changes that lie ahead for the whole family. A week later, with nothing but a backpack and clothes, I moved into an empty 2-bedroom apartment.

Less than a week passed and I told her my decision to move forward with a divorce was official. She had had a 2-week vacation planned to take all the kids to Michigan. Even after the decision to file for divorce, she asked me if I could go with her to Michigan and pretend we were still married, as she did not want to tell her family. I balked at the idea, and said there was no way I could do that, that she should just tell her family. So, she left for two weeks with all the children.

Little did I know that Cherrie was already working on her web of lies, telling the world, “Brian is a father that abandoned his kids and was drinking, drugging, and that’s what led to the divorce.” When did these false claims start? Just this past weekend, someone informed me that that ^^^ is exactly the story Cherrie told them back in June 2021 while they were vacationing in Michigan and visiting Chicago, my hometown!

Did I mention that I was completely sober for the last few years of our marriage and through the separation and divorce?

Back to the story. Back to the truth. So it’s June and the kids are with Cherrie in Michigan. The kids called once or twice while they were there. Shortly after they returned, the Department of Child Services launched an investigation of me for child abuse. DCS interviewed the kids, myself, and my ex, and they confirmed there was nothing to prevent me from seeing our children. I had lawyered up by then, and my lawyer sent her lawyer a request for me to see the children. My ex agreed to the kids Facetiming at a certain date/time. There were no court orders to prevent me from seeing the children, but she was “worried for the safety of the children,” and might agree to supervised visitation. Further, she stated that it was under the advisement of the Department of Child Services that I have supervised visitation. Only THAT was not true. She was completely making that up. DCS NEVER made that advisement. DCS never said anything about me not being a safe parent. So, I had my lawyer asked to setup Facetime calls with the kids. For 15 years, the only time I had left the kids was for a day and a half when I went to surprise my father for his 60th bday in 2009. Now my fatherhood was reduced to a few Facetimes. The situation grew ever bleaker.

Cherrie would tell me the kids wanted to speak with me, but when I called, she told me that they were already in bed. She would then try asking me questions about the case she was soon to be filing against me. It was weird to say the least, and I would not partake in that type of discussion. What was this woman planning? Through my lawyer, I requested parenting time, as it had been too long already that I had not seen my kids that lived just down the street. Cherrie told her lawyer that “per DCS” she was advised that “visitation was not permitted.” Again, there were no court orders in place. She was intentionally using the kids as pawns, purposefully keeping my kids from seeing me. She was going rogue and making things up, with false claims and fabricated endorsements from authorities, social workers, and any friends and employees that would help reinforce her lies. Parental alienation written all over it, right? Let’s call a spade a spade. There was an intentional 24/7 smear campaign to destroy me and my relationships with all my children. You would think that after 20 years of devotion and building a family, there might be an ounce of respect, right? WRONG! A day or so later, she filed a case in Family Court, and a judge issued emergency temporary orders that BANNED me from seeing the kids till September when a court date was scheduled.

So that was on July 16th, 2021, when the motion for emergency temporary orders was filed in family court. In the filing, DCS went on the record stating there was no need for a safety plan to be put in place, even though Cherrie’s lawyer had asked for this. DCS also said that Cherrie stated she had been keeping the kids at home during summer, as she feared that I would come and grab the kids if she took them to any camps or other public places. What the what? Parental alienation. School was about to start in early August, and my ex said the kids would be “exposed to the danger of the Father picking them up from school” (exact words). I hadn’t seen the kids since June 16th, before they all went to Michigan. I also had not had any contact with any one of them since that time, and I had not once gone to go see them, as any efforts to do so would have been used against me in court for sure. My ex said, “Brian is pressing to see the children and he is aware that the children will still start school, where he could pick them up if there were no court orders preventing him from doing so.” She also said that there were multiple complaints from the children of physical abuse. These fictitious claims were again all in her campaign to alienate me from my kids. Parental alienation. She told the judge of my DUI in 2017, and said she believed I had been drinking. She said Brian has “undiagnosed mental health issues and/or an untreated mental health diagnosis,” said I was “bipolar,” “likely using drugs and/or alcohol,” and requested a mental health evaluation. Cherrie claimed domestic violence, questioned my mental health stability, and had concerns about the safety and welfare of the children. In that same filing, she also said she would be filing for an Order of Protection for the children. Her lawyer requested the judge:

Award her temporary sole-decision-making

“Award” Father with supervised visitation

Submit a full panel of drug/alcohol testing

Order documentation to support her claims of my mental health instability

Order me to pay for all her legal fees

Since this was an “emergency filing,” the judge immediately granted her temporary sole custody, and set the court date for an evidentiary hearing on August 16, 2021.

I went two full months without seeing or speaking to any of my six children. I lived down the street from them, in the apartment that my ex chose for me, and was barred from seeing or speaking with my children. Can you imagine? My guess is that you cannot. Oh and during this time, my ex also rehomed our two 2-year-old dogs to some place in Georgia, and moved our oldest child to her friend’s house that was thinking of starting a developmental group home. I did not find all these things out until later.

On August 16th, both lawyers presented their case. The judge said, “Wait. You have not seen the kids in two months? They are coming over to your place today, and they did. He said custody would be 50/50 and a future court date was scheduled for November to discuss the dissolution of the marriage (i.e., divorce agreement).   

In November around Thanksgiving, our divorce agreement was filed. 50/50 kids, mutual decision-making. You would think there would be some finality when the divorce was final. You would think there would be some peace. But no, that could not be further from the truth.

Cherrie does not like following the court orders, especially when they do not benefit her. She was not sharing the kids with me 50% of the time. I told her that if she would not agree to the 50-50 kids that was court-ordered in November 2021, that I would just bring her back to court to get them to enforce it. Since I had brought up court, we went to the 50-50, and I thought it would be smooth sailing from there. Side note, by that time I had gotten an app called Our Family Wizard. I highly recommend it for parents that get divorced. Getting that app was a lifesaver for me, as before that time I had been receiving a barrage of texts and emails at all hours of the day and night. Ever since we split, my goal was to create a happy, peaceful life and reestablish my connections with my kids, as they, like any children of divorce, have to learn to navigate a life lived in two different homes.

A quick funny here just to lighten up this blog, then we’ll get back to the parental alienation bit.

While the kids were at my place, I sat them down for an important family meeting. I asked them some questions. I said, “When we were all in the same home, who was the president?” “MOM,” they all screamed in unison. “Who was the vice president?” “You/Dad,” they replied. “Who do people remember, the president or the vice president?” “The president!” they said. “Now, we live in two different homes. You have a life with your mother, and a life with your father. Who is the president now at mom’s house?” “Mom,” they exclaimed. “Who is the president at dad’s house?” A few of them still said “Mom!” Um, no.

Please read my “All I Wanted for Christmas” blog for details on the crazy events of Sept-Dec 2022.

Back to this story. So, it’s September 2022. My ex filed another emergency temporary order, a copy/paste with all the same claims against me, and for the past year I have only seen my kids every other Saturday. When you add up the hours I have seen them, it will add up to 8 days by the time this is all said and done. Her parental alienation, her emotional child abuse efforts, have been consistent ever since June 2021. That has not changed. Not once have any of her claims against me been validated or substantiated. Not one. Not by DCS, not by the police, not by the courts, not by anyone. Why is this so? BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL LIES. Unfortunately, my relationship with all of my kids continues to suffer.

There is so much more. If you remember, though I cried and begged the judge to allow my kids to come to my PhD graduation, they were prevented from going. My ex has blocked me from attending performances, orientations, even told schools I am not allowed to see my kids there (which is not true). She discovered I was at one of our kid’s tennis matches, and called him telling him he had to leave the meet early. Many of the kids have diagnoses or conditions that are "only at dad's house," though I see them just hours every othre week. These are just a few bullet points of my dad-bashed life over the past few years riddled with parental alienation.

Please keep me and my children in your thoughts and prayers. The date to settle custody will likely be close to the end of this year. Hopefully, the nightmare will be over then, at least, until she creates the next nightmare situation. Even next week, I go to court for criminal charges by her. I guess that means you can expect another blog next week. Ugh. Life should not be this hard, especially when all I want is peace.

I created this blog to raise awareness and bring the truth to the surface in this nightmare that is my unfortunate life at this time. I do have a GoFundMe to assist with the legal fees that continue to incur as I am in the fight of my life to get my kids back. Whether you donate a dollar, share my blog with others, or just keep me and my kids in your prayers, I appreciate the support of my friends and family during these trying times. From the depths of my daddy heart, I thank you for reading and thank you for your continued support.