I don’t listen to myself…
Every night before I go to bed I layout a plan as to what tomorrow will be like.
Okay Sam, wake up at this time and DON’T hit the snooze button.
Okay Sam, you have these there assignments to get done tomorrow. Get them done in between classes so you don’t have to stay up late tomorrow night.
Okay Sam, remember to eat your meals tomorrow.
Okay Sam, clean your room and maybe do laundry.
Okay, Sam go to bed at an reasonable hour.
I stare at the clock.
I don’t listen to myself at 2:30 am
These thoughts and words are always unheard.
I never listen to myself.
Tomorrow my alarm will go off an hour and a half before class starts. I will hit the snooze button around 5 or 6 times before getting up 30 minutes before my class starts.
Tomorrow I will not do the assignments at the time I want, leaving me to have to do them at 11:30 pm.
Tomorrow I will not eat the meals I need, but more like a hand full of cereal (I’m far too busy to eat anyways).
Tomorrow I won’t clean the piles from my room and its only been two weeks since I’ve done laundry, I can make it one more day.
Tomorrow I will not go to bed at an reasonable hour.
Tomorrow night I will make the same plans and not follow them again.
Tomorrow I will have a new plan for a better week.
I stare at the clock.
I don’t listen to myself at 3:30 am.
Next week I will be better.
Next week I will not walk around with my very own rain cloud over my head.
Next week instead of standing and staring at my front door, rooted to the floor by my fear of the day. I will walk out that door.
Next week I won’t over think every little thing, like parking my car.
Next week I won’t circle my parking lot three times because I just get myself to a tempt a spot.
Next week I won’t cry because I’m so sad I don’t know what to even think. Oh that reminds me.
Next week I won’t sit in my car and repeat the phrase, “I don’t know” 30 times.
I stare at the clock.
I don’t listen to myself at 4:00am.
Right now…
I don’t listen when I tell myself to get up.
I don’t listen when I tell myself to stop thinking about that uncomfortable thought.
I don’t listen when I’m tired.
I want to feel alive again.
I just don’t listen anymore.