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Michael After Midnight: 25 More Putrid Songs That Should Not Exist
Alright, let’s take a break from statutory rape and racism for a bit.
Not every song is bad because the lyrics are filled to the brim with sexism, racism, misogyny, and so on; sometimes songs just suck ass because they are unfunny, melodramatic, too over-the-top to stomach, too overly sentimental… you get the picture. There have been plenty of songs like that on the past two lists, such as the songs Lil Dicky crapped out or “The Christmas Shoes” but those songs have some sort of underlying offensiveness to them . Tonight, I wanted to mostly highlight some songs that are awful for normal reasons for the most part. They have vapid lyrics, cloying sentimentality, awful humor, or just plain awful writing. A couple have an air of offensiveness to them, but nothing here is as vile as “Jailbait” or “Mother.”
25. “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” – Jet
This is one of those songs you can feel was made for a commercial. Maybe not literally, but you can just feel an aura of polished product wafting off this tune. It just feels less like a real song and more like a snippet you’d hear while being sold Viagra or Trojans or something.
24. “Shape of You” – Ed Sheeran
I don’t quite hate this one as much as most people; it’s obnoxious and repetitive with one of the most monotonous earworms of a beat I’ve ever heard, but it’s almost harmless… but I give no leeway to a song that mentions sniffing bedsheets. Barf.
23. “Endless Fashion” – Lil Uzi Vert feat. Icky Nicki
I guess I can’t make a list anymore without including an awful usage of “Blue,” and this time it’s a rap song. As if the poor usage of a corny eurodance song wasn’t bad enough, we have the MAGA blow-up doll crackhead herself on the track, with Nicki foreshadowing her Republican brain worm arc a couple of years later with verses where she sings “Make my ass great again, MAGA.” She might be the biggest embarrassment in the female rap game, ever.
22. “We Are the World” – USA for Africa
You know, I’m kind of glad a bunch of celebrities came together to record an awful, sappy song for charity. It’s weirdly touching in a way. Speaking of touching, how about Michael Jackson singing “We are the children?” There’s a line that has aged incredibly weirdly! Look, this one is a lot less condescending than “Do They Know It’s Christmas”, so as bad as this is I’m not ranking it too high.
21. “The Most Wanted Song” – Komar & Melamid
This song is actually here by design; the duo above made this song by polling people on the things they wanted and didn’t want in music, taking what they liked to see in songs, and condensing it all into a single track. They did the same for things people didn’t want, resulting in a nearly 22-minute-long epic featuring bagpipes, yodeling, rapping, drum machines, and children chanting to shop at Walmart; it is so bad, it’s good in its purest form and is never boring. The song of things people wanted, though, is. Honestly, it’s the weirdest song on any of these lists because the fact it sucks is good, important, and helps make the EP it’s on one of the finest of its kind. It’s truly a pardox. It’s tedious, indistinguishable slop that shows one should never make art by committee and that being experimental instead of conforming to what everyone wants to hear is invariably the better option.
20. “Feelings” – Morris Albert
A song so bloated and melodramatic that it’s kind of painful to sit through. It’s a spiritually emo song trapped in the body of a dad rock ballad.
19. “Sometimes When We Touch” – Dan Hill
Sappy, corny, annoying, Dan Hill is truly the complete package! As far as these dopey, sentimental ballads go Hill gave us one of the worst ones, mainly because he really doesn’t sound good at all. His voice is just utterly incapable of selling this schlock in a way a more powerful and sincere voice could.
18. “Wiggle Wiggle” – Bob Dylan
I almost have to admire this song. Dylan is considered one of the greatest poets alive, and here he is releasing one of the most deranged songs imaginable in a feat only matched by Paul McCartney’s “Temporary Secretary.” But where that song is good in a deranged way, this one is not. I never wanted to hear Bob Dylan say “wiggle wiggle,” but now that is a cross I have to bear.
17. “Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley” – Will to Power
I’m a man who loves a good mashup, especially when you take two songs that don’t seem like they’d work together and slam them together into something gloriously absurd. That’s not what happened here, though. Will to Power just took two rock classics, got a stock easy listening 80s synth track to sing over, and recorded this abysmal mashup/cover. It could have at least kept in the massive guitar solo or the energy “Freebird” brings to the table, but no, they’d rather ensure no one shouts for this to be played at any concert.
16. “ME!” – Taylor Swift and Brendon Urie
This is the worst traits of Urie and Swift’s bad songs combined into one package. We have the overly slick production and egregious horns that plagued “High Hopes,” and you have Swift’s egotistical pop star persona congealing into a goopy mess of a song that culminates in an obnoxious spelling session. I’d still take this over any of her diss tracks, at least.
15. “Believer” – Imagine Dragons
Kind of crazy it took Imagine Dragons so long to make these lists considering their near instantaneous fall from grace after their debut. I like a few of their songs like “Bones” but by and large they make music that seems like it was tailor made to be played in car commercials and movie trailers… and this one quite literally was played in movie trailers, Murder on the Orient Express to be precise. This song is five times as awful as that movie is good; if the band killed Johnny Depp during the recording it would certainly be a more pleasant experience, I’ll say that.
14. “Cruise” – Florida Georgia Line
This song is unironically the worst thing to happen to country music since 9/11. It is the most “iconic” and prominent example of bro-country ever created, the song that comes to mind when that shit is brought up. For those not in the know, bro-country is esentially every negative stereotype one could imagine about country music condensed into a single subgenre, with every song being about booze, trucks, pretty women, and partying; as you can imagine, these songs are bland and repetitive at best and misogynistic at worst, with country artists with actual talent like Kenny Chesney and Brad Paisley calling it out. “Cruise” is the song that put bro-country on the map, and while there are far worse songs born in its wake you have to give props to the musical Shub-Niggurath, the bro-mother of a thousand begotten children.
13. “See You Again” – Charlie Puth and Wiz Khalifa
Did you know? At the time he died, Paul Walker was in a relationship with a girl he started dating when he was 33 and she was 16? Knowing this fact, I can’t really say I care too much he got turned into street pizza no matter how much I love Tammy and the T-Rex, I certainly didn’t need some sentimental ballad eulogizing him from the void of charisma that is Charlie Puth, and I definitely didn’t need said sappy ballad interrupted by Wiz Khalifa dropping bars. I think the weirdest thing about the song is… did these two even know Walker? Were they friends with him? Cuz if not, this song just feels awkward. I’d be at least a little more forgiving if Vin Diesel was singing this.
12. “I Wanna Talk About Me” – Toby Keith
Keith is a weird one, because he is emblematic of country music’s post-9/11 descent into jingoistic bullshit and he has some rancid songs in his discography… but he also has a lot of songs that are good-natured, funny, and even charming. You will never see “Red Solo Cup” on any of these lists, for instance; I find it a silly little country novelty song that is sold by Keith’s hilariously slurred delivery. The man was pretty funny. Unfortunately if you heard this song you wouldn’t know it, because this is the most relentlessly unfunny macho egotism this side of Andrew Tate.
11. “3 Second Rule” – Lisa Gail Allred
The “So Bad, It’s Horrible” page on TVTropes is a blessing/curse, as its music section gives me so much to work with. Unfortunately I have to click and listen to the songs first, meaning I have to suffer through garbage like this. Really appreciate SpongeBob trying to save this nasally dork of a woman by singing backup, but unfortunately it’s a futile effort; this is “Friday” with all of the narm and none of the charm.
10. "!aaaH-aH ,yawA eM ekaT oT gnimoC er'yehT" – Napoleon XIV
.cissalc otnemeD .rD deifitrec a si yllamron deyalp gnos eht esuaceb erom eht lla skcus hcihw ,nees reve ev’I gnos a rof sesucxe tseizal ,tseddas eht fo eno si sihT !ti ot gnihton yllaretil s’erehT !esrever ni deyalp drocer eht fo edis-A gnikcuf eht tsuj s’tI ?gnos siht tuoba dias eb neve nac tahW
Er, ahem.
What can even be said about this song? It’s just the fucking A-side of the record played in reverse! There’s literally nothing to it! This is one of the saddest, laziest excuses for a song I’ve ever seen, which sucks all the more because the song played normally is a certified Dr. Demento classic.
9. “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” – Gayla Peevey
I don’t like putting Christmas songs on these lists because as much as I hate them, they’re usually just harmless fluff. I also don’t like putting songs by kids on these lists because it feels like I’m punching down when that’s not the case; it’s not like the kids themselves are at fault for the awful lyrics. They’re kids! They don’t know any better! So when I put this on here, know that I do not blame Peevey for singing this, and I’m in fact irritated that despite the song coming out in 1953 she didn’t get a penny of royalties until she discovered she could get them through Sony Music and iTunes in 2016. It’s the adults that wrote this slop and then didn’t give her a cent that are the true villains here.
8. “Nuttin’ for Christmas” – Barry Gordon
This falls into exactly the same category as the above song, only it has all the cloying 50s corniness but no sad backstory to make me a tiny bit sympathetic. It’s just an obnoxious, unfunny novelty Christmas song with a kid singing it.
7. “Mr. Blobby” – Mr. Blobby
Here’s the horrifying novelty slop I missed the first couple times! I’m not going to bother explaining this one at all; Mr. Blobby is something one must experience for themselves with no prior warning. I will say at least that this one is almost deranged enough to get me to call it so bad it’s good. Almost, but not quite. Frankly I’m afraid of what Mr. Blobby will do to me if I rank this song any higher.
6. “Body Like a Back Road” – Sam Hunt
This one is impressive if only because it contains one of the most baffling simile in all of music. Why in the fuck would you ever compare a woman you ostensibly are attracted to to a lumpy, bumpy, unpaved dirt road? I really don’t think no matter how much of a cowgirl she is that she’d be happy being compared to something you drive your truck over on the way to your favorite fishing spot.
5. “Gone, Gone, Gone” – Phillip Phillips
When I think of the “Stomp Clap HEY” music of the 2010s, this is invariably what comes to mind for me even if it’s not exactly the most perfect or pure example of it. Awful, overproduced folk rock sludge used in soundtracks for shitty movies—The Amazing Spider-Man 2 in this case. A genuinely terrible piece of art, truly insufferable and grating in every way.
4. “Mia Khalifa” – iLoveFriday
Many people will know this song from the memes spawned from Aqsa Malik’s verse which begins with, “Hit or miss/I guess they never miss, huh?” Few people will know that the song said meme spawned from is a diss track aimed at social media personality and M. Night Shyamalan fan Mia Khalifa over fake Twitter screenshots. And then even fewer people will know that outside of Malik’s admittedly fun and catchy verse, the song is awful, off-key, misogynistic dogshit that is bullying an innocent woman over shit the singer was too stupid to fact check.
3. “Staple Tape Worms on My Penis” – Passenger of Shit
Alright @huyh172, are you happy? I listened to this shit just for you, and here it is on the list. With a title like that I kind of was expecting something stupid and absurd, and this is that, but it’s also just genuinely unpleasant to listen to unless you are completely off your rocker. There were so many times I came close to enjoying it before it veered off into a demented and nauseating new direction that killed the vibe. This is music for the truly unwell.
2. “Paralyzed” – Legendary Stardust Cowboy
Imagine the incomprehensible lyrics of “Yellow Ledbetter” combined with the trashy, overly loud instrumentals of your local garage band and you have… whatever the fuck this is. I do think it’s very funny that NASA banned this after members of the space crew were startled awake with this song and were left, you guessed it, completely frozen in place but beyond that and the fact Legendary Stardust Cowboy helped pioneer the psychobilly genre it’s not really a song you listen to so much as you experience it. I will say this much, out of all the awful songs I’ve covered this is one of the handful where I can see some kind of deranged appeal to it… but that appeal is too niche for me to not give it the high ranking it deserves. Of course, it’s kept from the top spot by a song that genuinely is repulsive and atrocious…
1. “Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too” – Say Anything
The single most astounding thing about this song is that it is not a Kyle Gordon spoof of shitty emo songs from the 2000s (namely because he already did that); no, this is an actual, genuine song. Of course, calling it a song is giving it a lot of credit it doesn’t deserve. Max Bemis genuinely sounds like an over-the-top parody of emo musicians, a deranged caricature who can’t fucking sing worth a damn. The lyrics are utterly abysmal, with Bemis pitifully whining out “I called her on the phone and she touched herself/She touched herself/She touched herself” on the chorus before devolving into pathetically singing “I don’t know what I want” over and over before spitting out that wretched chorus again. This might actually be a contender for bottom 50 songs of all time, it is so fucking embarrassing anyone thought this was funny or a good idea at any point in the creative process. It really just goes to show that the mid 2000s were a time where anyone could do anything, and most of the time what they did was fucking dogshit.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
There's no way this is a real building, right? The kitchen with its 15 foot ceiling, the living room with its bisexual lighting, it's internally consistent but still wild. On the other hand: it's easy to have a night in when your place looks like the coziest club around. Anyway, as someone who loves to go out but not always, I strongly support a song for the introverts. And I appreciate that (video aesthetic obviously aside) "Night In" actually sounds like it's a comfortable evening ahead. I'm reminded of "House Party," perhaps obviously, but there Sam Hunt is like, "Let me bring the chaos of the club to your quiet home" and here Brittney Spencer is like, "We're gonna have fun in the lowest of keys." It's catchy and sweet and she sings the shit out of it, which is nice: staying in doesn't have to be boring, no matter what the outdoor kids want you to think.
MG:
So, I do think this song exists to be the soundtrack to, like, not even TikToks, but Instagram reels? I watched one the other day that was about life over 40 and posited that no plans could be made in the "today" space because preparing for the "tomorrow" space needed to begin by 5 PM. "Night In" would be the perfect background music for that timeless little skit. But it also reminds me of the 90s moms who preferred country music because Faith Hill would never, never, ever transgress any moral boundaries and I think that's really who Brittney Spencer is singing to here. Even with the perfunctory nod to "getting high," this is a song for people who are revulsed by what their feed tells them is happening in cities at night. Spencer does have a lovely voice and maybe my bar is too low, but I'm just relieved she didn't shout out any brands by name. Make no mistake, it's the capitalism of it all that drives middle aged women into their domestic sanctuaries.
