#safeness

So here.

You know when you have a really really great dream, and you're super happy, and then you kinda wake up halfway, and drift back off to sleep, hoping to keep the dream? You know the feeling when you get that awesome dream back immediately and continue with it? Yeah. That feeling.

When you have to take a walk, run or bike ride somewhere and the sun is shining, and it's warm, but not too hot, and the grass is really green and the bees are buzzing? That happiness.

When it's a cool night, and there is a huge storm brewing outside, and thunder clangs, and you snuggle deep down in the warm covers? That safeness.

When you're in a crowded place, and you smile at a little kid, and their face lights up and they get a huge grin? THAT.

That is how you make me feel.

I guess I’m never ready for it, I never want to let go of something in my life. I’m always the one stuck with it. Whether it’s a person or some memories or even places.

I was reading this book and then this part came that I can’t stop thinking about, which was talking about how some people escape reality by remembering and actually living their last time they felt comfortable, happy, safe or anything that made them feel good and they can just get stuck there, and there are actually some people that can’t remember any peaceful moments of their adult life and they start longing for being a fetus and never leaving their mothers’ uterus. Then I started thinking about the last time I felt one of those things and I started having those flashbacks, again..

I remembered her arms, I remembered how warm she made me feel but I also remembered how scared I was that she would unwrap them in any second. As always having the fear of letting go.

I remembered the last time I felt accepted and loved around my friends and I just wanted to live this moment forever but then this scene stopped that peaceful moment, a scene of me leaving them, seeing the dearest people to my heart tearing and not wanting to leave my hand. The heartache goodbye.

I remembered the last time I felt safe by just looking at my mother sitting home waiting for me after a really long day with a smile on her face and opened arms, I remembered just feeling safe for the fact that she’s alive but then I remembered how terrified I used to get when I see her getting old and not knowing how would I survive without her. Not realizing nor accepting a part of life; death.