#sa trauma

❥ 𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝐼 𝑟𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝐼 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑡. 𝑆𝑡𝑜𝑝 𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑚𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑.. 𝐼 𝑤𝑖𝑠ℎ 𝐼 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑚𝑦 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑡..

WARNING SA/RAPE MENTIONED

i wanted to share my story because while i may write about my experiences in my fics, it sometimes feels like i don’t always have a voice.

the first time i was sexually assaulted i was 13.

i was wearing green jeans, black converse, and a jacket. i was in the library for homework helper and was sitting next to my “boyfriend” and another girl we knew.

we were talking and i put my hand on his lap, this was not to initiate because i wasn’t the kind of girl who had the confidence to do so and i also was a huge goody two shoes.

he said “no” so i immediately moved my hand away and he was upset that i did so i put it back and then we both were playing around because he was pretending to be mad and i was teasing him about it.

he then asked if he could touch me to which i said no. he kept asking, pleading, and my answer stayed the same.

“no.”

but he didn’t care. he slid his hand up my shirt and grabbed my breast. he then asked if he could touch me again and i was frozen… i still said no and he then slid his hand down my pants..

i didn’t understand what happened to me but i knew it felt wrong. i told my mom later on and she told me what happened..

while some of his friends know because i told them, he still went on and hurt another girl i tried warning. idk about his whereabouts now but i hope he’s doing horrible.

i was later with a different guy.

he raped me twice.

the first time we were already intimate, i was 16 and we were in my parents house in my room.

i expressed my interests and disinterests already and without asking me he penetrated me (toy).

i said “no” and moved my hand back to push him away but he didn’t stop.

i felt embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted and after a day completely forgot of the event because i was only 16 and my brain couldn’t understand what happened to me.

what i did notice was signs of withdrawal.. i didn’t want to see him, id get nervous, my body was tense, and i was anxious but i didnt know why.

we had sex three times and the third time was when he raped me (second incident).

as we were beginning to do stuff, i moved and told him “it hurts”.

he grabbed my hips and said “you’re running from it relax” while continuing to penetrate me.

i blamed myself because i let him.

it kept hurting and i thought i could endure it, that’s what i told myself.. but it was too much.

i was normal at first.. i didn’t understand any of it until after him and i broke up and i read something that reminded me of the first event.

the first person who found out was my bsf who explained to me it was wrong. i then brushed it aside until over time the weight became too much.

it wasn’t until recently that the memories came back and i was diagnosed with PTSD.

i spiraled for months.. sometimes i still do. i cry uncontrollably, i feel dirty when i get flashbacks and remember his hands on me.

i also don’t know about his whereabouts, but i truthfully hope he rots in the slowest most agonizing way possible.

i am actively getting help. therapy, my mom knows and those close to me.. but i wanted to share my story because i do have a voice and even though i couldn’t use it then i can now.

this is also a reminder. you’re. not. alone.

if you have a similar story, i want you to know your voice matters too my love.

“why did i stay ?”

i used to ask myself that a lot, it’s called trauma blocking. when you’ve experienced a certain amount of trauma your brain will block it out as a means to keep you alive/surviving until you’re in a position where you can slowly recover.

if you or someone you know is experiencing something similar please be patient with them and yourself.

Come to think of it I think that’s also probably why I headcanon characters I like as asexual