#ryt

Marruk my hubby from Roads Yet Travelled

Fanart of Rhoun from @/ CryptidDog 's Visual Novel, "Roads Yet Traveled"! I absolutely loved reading this VN, and I'd highly recommend you check it out on his twitter ^w^

Absolutely no one:

Aaaaaah, I'm delighted that you'd find wisdom in my random ramblings. XD This is one of relatively few things I do have a firm headcanon about!

For context, Ryt is referencing my tags on this glorious gif set, written in response to her own gorgerous musings on the very same post:

when did he start touching ian with soft hands? when was the first thumb caress? was it the sleepover? finally alone with no fear of being interrupted and no way to deny what he's feeling after he went and gave in to kissing him did he reach across the sofa while steven seagal was dropping some henchman to the ground and rest his hand on ian's shoulder thumb moving back and forth across the ball of his shoulder joint until ian looks at him move up to touch the back of his neck his jaw like he's never really allowed himself to do before softly and with intent or was it at his wedding? kissing and stripping so fast and so frantically but still having to pause for a moment just to get his hands on ian's face to touch his thumbs to ian's cheeks to look him in the eyes and try to convey to him everything this means to him and why he has to get married and that he loves ian more than he loves himself or was it after he finds ian and drags him home from the club sitting in his marital bedroom staring at the love of his life passed out on his bed regretting every time he ever touched him in anger or fear resolving that from now on any moment he gets to touch ian he will do it with softness that ian will know with every contact that he is precious to mickey that mickey wants to keep him to keep him safe to love him with his heart and his eyes and his hands his hands are so gentle with ian always and i just wonder where it starts

Now, I know for a fact that I've tag ranted about this before, but consistent tagging is sadly and brutally obviously Not My Thing, so I can't find the damned post. But yeah, I firmly believe that the first time Mickey touched Ian with, as you so beautifully put it, ”soft hands” – and did it knowing fully well what he was doing and without pretending he didn't – was on the morning after coming out at the Alibi. Just... him reaching out like that to stroke Ian's hair, like reaching for something he's only now starting to think he might be allowed to have; exploring not just the feeling of Ian's hair under his palm but the feeling of being someone who could touch like that, who could admit to wanting it. Even if it's just admitting it to himself at that point – Ian's still asleep, and I think that's necessary for Mickey to dare that first, tentative touch. This is still new to him, and though he's committed to Ian and his feelings for Ian – has been, since he went to find Ian at that club – there's a lot of baggage and unlearning yet to do.

Just seems a natural evolution to me, you know? First, there is the brief brush of fingers as they trade cigarettes back and forth (kisses by proxy, I've seen it described as, that passing of smokes and putting your lips where the other's have just been). Sometimes, Ian will place his hand over Mickey's as they fuck and Mickey will let him because he can pretend it's just part of fucking, just sex and bodies and lust. For a while that's all there is but then Ian's had enough of the feigned distances and he pushes; pushes and Mickey folds as he almost always eventually does when it's Ian who does the pushing (though folds with one finger raised, because this is still Mickey and maybe he's been dying to kiss Ian for a while now but that doesn't make him a bitch and fuck Ian for implying he's a coward). And having taken that step – made that admission, unspoken as it is – he dares the next, inviting Ian over to his place and we know they had their second and third and twentieth kiss that night. (The first date vibes of that sleepover are insane and I love it so much; they've been fucking for years but those little glances, like they're nervous and giddy and expectant and wondering ooooh are we gonna kiss? It drives me crazy, in the best way.)

And then it's all over, for a bit. There's that desperate kiss on the cusp of Mickey's wedding – and the way they fall into that, the way they surge for one another, is what has me convinced that there was so much kissing during the ill-fated date of 3x06; they discovered the joy of it then and it immediately became an intrinsic part of what they were with each other – and then Mickey is a husband (but not Ian's husband) and Ian is leaving and for a while there's only memories, both feared and revered.

When Ian comes back – when Mickey brings him back – they fall back into each other so easily, the way the always have and always will, but there's still tension and uncertainty. Mickey knows what he wants but not how to have it; Ian wants Mickey but not on those terms. The power balance is shifting and neither of them really knows what they're doing or where they're going and as much fun as they have and as happy as they are to be back together and as much as they sneak sex and kisses whenever they think they can pretend no one notices, I think they're both... hovering a bit. Waiting, for things to clear between them and the nature of their relationship to settle; neither quite willing to directly address the mounting strain for fear it'll tear them apart again. Not the right mood or time for soft touches, I think; neither of them are sure enough of what they are to each other do that. (I am insanely fascinated by their dynamic in 4x08 through 4x11. God, the complexity of it... I drink it like fine wine.)

But then, Ian pushes once more and Mickey makes his choice and there's the truth of it now, their feelings and committment and relationship. And not just to the world, but to them too. After that – after having riske his life and bled for it and removed himself from any opportunity of ever taking it back to hide once more – I feel that Mickey would finally let himself have this. What's the point now in pretending he doesn't want it? And he's earned it, goddammit, so fuck everything; thisis what he came out for: not just sex with Ian, but lovingIan.