#rum ham

“Dennis I’m telling you, we gotta go to this new bar! Scope out our competition.”

“Mac it’s a gay bar, I don’t wanna be seen there.”

“Yeah! But-”

“Guys! Guys!” Charlie barges into Paddy’s breathless as if he had just run from his apartment to the bar. As usual, the rest of The Gang, minus Frank, was wasting the day away drinking at the counter. “This girl… we went out... I think I’m in love…” Charlie’s speech comes out in quick huffs as he tries to manage his breathing. 

“That’s great Charlie, but Dennis! I swear you won’t regret going to this bar with me!” Mac pointedly ignored Charlie, turning back to his roommate.

“Mac, it just sounds to me like you want an excuse to go to a gay bar.”

“What? No dude! It’s just-”

“Guys!” Charlie’s roar finally snapped the other guys out of their conversation. “Aren’t you proud of me? I finally got over the waitress just like you said I should! I found the love of my life!” The Gang only sent questioning looks to Charlie’s wide grin. He seemed genuinely happy about this girl, not hinting at ulterior motives for going out with her. 

“Charlie, what the hell are you talking about? What girl?” Dee chirped, wiping down some glasses on the bar.

“Look, I met this chick and oh my God she is beautiful.” Charlie gushed, his body language visibility getting giddier by the moment. “I asked her out and she said yes, it was awesome!” 

“Right, okay, and how much paint did you huff this morning?” Dennis lazily looked in Charlie’s direction, mocking him with his words and gaze. 

“What? Guys no, she’s like seriously totally real!” Charlie began rummaging around his pocket. He pulled out a small keychain, one that had a tacky-looking bear on the end of it with a bow. It was clearly cheap and on the verge of falling off the chain at any moment, but Charlie seemed proud of its appearance. “Look! She even won us matching keychains at the arcade yesterday!” Charlie beamed at his friends who appeared less than impressed at the display. 

“If she’s so real then you should bring her around the bar, Charlie,” Dee suggested, half smirking at the idea. In The Gang’s mind, there was no way a real woman would put up with Charlie’s idiocy. Unless she was equally as stupid. Or ugly, she could be hideous. 

At this suggestion Charlie began to avoid eye contact, looking anywhere but his friends, which amused them and only solidified their preconceived notion of this woman not being real. “Well, I don’t know…”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Dennis taunted, clearly amused by how this conversation was unfolding. 

“Well, you guys are kind of always really mean to me, and also degrade me. I just don’t want her to think I’m some kind of punching bag.” Charlie’s foot absentmindedly scuffed the ground.

Mac piped up, “But you are a punching bag.” 

“I just want her to think I’m strong and cool okay?!” The Gang understands Charlie’s sediment, they weren’t exactly the kindest to him on any occasion. If he brought a girl in here they certainly would rip into him until they inevitably left a bad impression on her. 

“Look,” Dennis began, “If you don’t want us to meet this chick then why are you wasting our time by telling us about her?” 

This question caused Charlie to smile, eventually forming into a smug expression. “I just wanted to brag that good old Charlie got a hot girlfriend before any of you losers did.” The Gang seems unimpressed, clearly still not entirely buying her existence. 

“Look, if this chick is actually real I bet she’s hideous or stupid to be dating you, Charlie,” Dennis said in a dismissing way. 

This aggravated Charlie. Of course, The Gang doesn’t care, why did he even bother coming here to tell them? He had hoped that for once maybe they would have congratulated him on his feat. “Look, you can insult me all you want, but don’t insult her!” All Charlie got in response was a silent Dee and Mac paired with an eye roll from Dennis. “Fine, if you guys don’t care then I’m gonna go hang out with my girl. She at least appreciates me!” And with that, Charlie storms out of Paddy’s. 

It was quiet for a bit, Dee resuming her cleaning while Dennis and Mac picked up their conversation from before. “Hey guys, do you think Charlie actually has a girlfriend?” Dee asked while she was finishing up. 

“Who cares?” Dennis stated. “It’s probably some homeless girl he found under the bridge or in the sewers. If she’s dating Charlie she must be some sort of gross creature.” 

“Probably, but I’m still curious.” Dee imagined all the potentially horrible aspects of this girl. Images of a woman with missing teeth and tattered clothes came into her mind. She obviously hasn’t showered in weeks and smells horrid, much how like Charlie typically did. Then, an idea popped into her head. “Wait, Charlie said he was going out with this girl today, right? Maybe we could do some stalking to see what she’s really like.”

“If she’s even real,” Dennis adds. “But, that might not be a bad idea. I’d like to see this broad for myself.”

“Yeah! And then I can visually access her to see if she is a threat!” Mac seems excited about the idea. It was settled, The Gang would see if Charlie’s girlfriend was a suitable match for their eccentric and grotesque friend. 

—-----------------

Charlie nearly dents your door with how much force he knocks with. It was a pleasant surprise for him to come visit you, and he seems more than excited to see you again, even if it’s only been fifteen hours since you’ve last seen each other. 

“Hey, Charlie.” You smile, “What’s up?”

“Hey,” Adoration is dripping from his voice, he could hardly believe you were real. “I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the fair with me! I heard it was in town so…” Charlie’s voice trails off but he still looks at you expectantly. 

“Sure! I just have to change real quick. Wanna pop inside?” You move to the side to allow Charlie access to your apartment. A wide, cheesy smile takes over his face as he enters, quietly thanking you. He’s relieved in a way. He didn’t think that you would say no to his invitation, but some small part of him expected it. He’s used to rejection and teasing, not warmth and acceptance. It was new and something he was slowly learning, but certainly not unwelcome. He settled on your couch with perfect posture, obviously trying his hardest to seem proper. You only giggled at his attempts and told him he could make himself at home, which visibly made his shoulders relax a bit. 

While you were gone he scanned your small apartment. Charlie was a relatively talented stalker, but he hasn’t found a good way into your apartment yet. You lived in a decent building so getting past the security measures wasn’t easy, but he would eventually find a way. Most he’s seen was glimpses through your windows, getting a general layout. But now that he was inside, he could finally get a good look at your home. It wasn’t anything lavish, but it was certainly cleaner than his apartment. You had a small kitchen which you’ve mentioned you love baking in, something Charlie was looking forward to exploiting in the future. He loves his sweets, and yours probably tastes better than any he’s had before. There are a few photographs, but most are of your childhood pets or scenery. There is only one photo of what Charlie could guess was your family. It sat on the edge of a mantel, almost hidden from sight. Charlie examined the image, taking in all of the faces. Perhaps one day he would be fortunate to meet them. 

Before Charlie could snoop further, you step out of your bedroom wearing a cute sundress. It was a nice day out and you wanted to dress appropriately. You almost laughed at the way Charlie looked like a deer in headlights, clearly looking around and making himself at home like you had said. “You ready to go, tiger?” Charlie nodded absentmindedly, clearly staring at your body in the dress. You looked absolutely gorgeous to him, the color of your sundress bringing out the color of your eyes. It was strange, he typically didn’t notice these things about people, but it seemed you were changing him in all the right ways. Your bright smile of confusion knocked Charlie back into reality. 

“Yep! Let’s go!” Charlie exclaimed, his excitement shining through his demeanor. He grabs your hand and practically runs the two of you down the stairs. The walk on the way to the fair was long but sweet. Charlie would constantly stop to pick up the “treasures” on the ground, even gifting you the ones he considered to be real finds. In reality, it was just someone’s trash he was picking up and admiring, but you found it to be charming, how he could find the value in anything. He certainly had a creative mind and it was refreshing to see someone with such a positive outlook on things. You eventually made it, pockets now full of trinkets. 

The first thing Charlie sees when entering is the carnival games, particularly the game where you throw balls at bottles. “Oh! I’m so good at these things! I have lots of practice throwing rocks at people and trains and dogs.” He ushers you over to the game, a thrill oozing from his words. The last part of his statement mildly concerned you, but you followed nonetheless. You knew you were never in danger with Charlie around. Charlie hands the man at the booth a $5 bill, turning to you. “I’ll win you a prize! I’m the master at this game after all.”

—-----------------

“What the shit?” Dee cursed, crammed behind a nearby bush with her brother and his idiot roommate. “That girl is not ugly at all.” 

“No, no she is not…” Dennis comments, trying to get a better look at your assets. “This chick is gorgeous, which makes it weirder that she would willingly want to hang out with Charlie.” Dennis leaned further out of the tiny bush. The three of them were not hidden, the bush was incredibly too small for them, but it was clear you and Charlie were too enamored in each other to notice.

“Maybe she’s getting paid to date him?” Mac suggested as fellow pedestrians stared at their ridiculous behavior. However, as per usual The Gang was shameless in their endeavors. 

“Yeah totally. I can almost smell Charlie from here.” Dee forged a face of disgust at the thought of Charlie’s hygiene, wondering how you could stand to be in such close proximity to the man. 

“Hey guys,” Dennis started, giving the other two the look he usually gives when he comes up with a ruthless plan. “Why don’t we go introduce ourselves? I mean, if Charlie is really serious about this chick then she should be introduced to his friends?” A jumble of agreements falls from Dee and Mac as they all exchange psychotic looks. They’re not going to be mean to the girl, just show her the kind of people Charlie surrounds himself with.

—-----------------

Charlie was now $20 poorer and still empty-handed from the ball toss game. You eventually had to usher him away from the game after he began cursing out the man operating the booth, consoling Charlie on his loss and assuring him it was definitely rigged. He seemed to appreciate your comforts and decided to put his small grudge on the carney on the backburner for now. Ruining this date was the last thing he wanted to do. 

The two of you walked hand in hand, Charlie’s palm getting increasingly sweatier as time passed. You chalked it up to nerves, but that could also just be how his body normally functions. It was nice being around Charlie, he had an amazing sense of humor and never judged you in any way. For the first time in a long history of dating you felt like you could finally be unapologetically yourself. Any insecurity or weird interest you had, Charlie made sure to make you feel adored and seen. He was quite honestly the most charming man you’ve ever talked to because of his quirks. Your friends disagreed after showing them a selfie you two had taken, but what did they know? 

Thinking further about Charlie you turn your head to smile at him, but he seems to be preoccupied with something he saw in the distance. You could have sworn you heard him curse under his breath before redirecting where the two of you were walking. “Charlie? I thought you wanted popcorn?” You question, actively walking away from the booth selling popcorn. 

“Yeah, I changed my mind. You like caramel apples, right?” He seemed timid, his wary smile not quite meeting his eyes. 

You nod at the comment, “I do, but I wanted to treat you to something you like! Since you spent all that money trying to win me a prize and all.” 

Charlie simply shrugged off your concern, finding it sweet that you wanted to do something for him, but more nervous about the situation at hand. “Candy apples, popcorn, they’re all good to me! I think you forgot I eat literal trash.” You giggle at the comment, then grimace a bit at the thought. You probably need to buy him a new toothbrush. Or a toothbrush period. 

Charlie kept tugging you along, seemingly avoiding something. After around five minutes of him dodging your comments and not slowing down for anything you dig your feet in the ground causing the two of you to stop. Charlie looks back at you with a nervous, questioning smile. “Okay Charlie, what is going on?”

“Haha, what’re you talking about?” Charlie asks, not bothering to hide the fact he is scanning the area around you two. 

“What am I talking about?” You parrot, “Maybe the fact you are acting like we’re on the run from the cops?” At his still anxious expression you consider your words for a second before adding on with a whisper, “Are we running from the cops?” Your face was close to his, close enough that you could feel his breath on yours. Charlie sighs in defeat before giving in. 

“No, it’s worse than cops. It’s my asshole friends trying to ruin the only good thing in my life yet again.” 

“How are they your friends if they ruin your life?” It seemed strange, but then again nothing you’ve learned about Charlie’s life sounded normal. His living conditions, his odd roommate that you learned may or may not be his biological father, and the bar he works at was definitely out of the ordinary. 

“It’s complicated, just don’t think about it too much.” Charlie looks down at your still intertwined hands, contemplating what to do next. “I just don't want them to make you see how weird or gross I am.”

“Charlie I’m sure-” Your sweet words were cut off by three breathless people chanting Charlie’s name, running up to you two. 

“Charlie!”

“Charlie there you are!”

“Hey, buddy! Funny running into you here!”

They were all equally loud and crazy-eyed. There were two men and one woman, you assumed these were the asshole friends Charlie had referred to. They all shamelessly eyed you up and down in an almost judging manner, to which you only replied with a hesitant smile. 

“Oh, hey! You must be the girl Charlie was talking about.” The girl addressed you first. She was tall and blonde, staring at you with intimidating bird-like eyes. 

You began, “Yeah, I’m-”

The brown-haired man next to her interrupted your introduction, “Wow, Charlie. What a catch. You’re certainly easy on the eyes.” He was clearly checking you out, purring his words with a flirtatious tone. It was mocking in a way. “How did you land such a catch? You know, with your disgusting hygiene habits. You know he goes into sewers naked?” The man stared at you with wide eyes, more than likely expecting a large reaction out of you, to which you only blinked in his direction. 

“Right, well-”

Another man cut you off, this time with slick black hair. God damn these people did not allow anyone but themselves to get a word in. “Hey! If you guys are done at this stupid boring fair you should definitely come back to Paddy’s!” His words were now solely directed towards you, “That’s our bar, y’know. We own it. Charlie does too but he’s basically just our janitor. We call it the Charlie work, it’s very gross.” You only half-heartedly nod. No wonder Charlie was so anxious, these guys are dickheads. Speaking of your scraggly boyfriend, you turn your head to see him practically fuming next to you. You knew if you didn’t intervene now things would turn a whole lot uglier. 

“Ok, well, it was um, wonderful meeting you three, but,” You discreetly take Charlie’s hand in yours, taking a few steps back. “We actually have dinner reservations so we have to leave now.” It was a lame excuse, but anything to get out of here. 

“Oh perfect! I’m starved,” The blonde began. “Where are we eating?”

“Actually it’s only a table for two, sorry! Maybe I’ll see you guys again! Bye!” You half-yell as you actively usher Charlie away from the scene back to your apartment. 

“What a bitch.” Dee casually said as the other two agreed. 

—-----------------

The walk home was quiet, which was strange as Charlie always found one thing or another to talk about. He was still silently mortified next to you, deep into his own mind. He was convinced you would never want to hang out with him again after hearing how his friends spoke about him today. Charlie knew you were aware of most of those things, but what if hearing them from another person changed your mind about things? He felt light-headed thinking of how you’d never talk to him again after this. 

Eventually, you made it into your apartment building and to your door. Charlie was about to admit defeat and simply walk away before you take hold of his arm. “Charlie?” For the first time since his friends showed up, he looked into your eyes. In them, you only found anxiety and sorrow. 

“I’m sorry about today, it was supposed to be nice.”

“Oh Charlie, it was still an amazing day, don’t worry about what your stupid friends said.” You cooed, but it didn’t seem to change much in his mind. 

“I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t wanna go out anymore. I am pretty gross.” 

“That’s stupid,” You began, “I mean, you may have some non-hygienic habits, but it’s just a part of who you are! It makes you stand out from the crowd.” You move closer to your boyfriend, hands now cupping both of his cheeks. Charlie learned into your palms, drinking up every moment of physical touch between you two. “Charlie you’re such a unique soul and you’re so kind to me. I wouldn’t change a single thing about you because then you wouldn’t be my Charlie anymore, you would be someone else.” You could see Charlie’s eyes slowly light up at your words, almost as if he’d never heard a kind word to or about him in his life. 

“You mean it? You really wanna keep seeing me?” Your hands leave his face, which makes Charlie think the worst, but your lips quickly take their place on his cheek. 

Took me about almost 2 hours. Practicing using paint and also doing “still life” and I practiced Color theory a lot because I have only like primary colors to work with