#ruleshorror

I can hear your objections now, dear reader - Beings, Entities, Others, Mostly Humans, whatever it is you wish to call them - they can't be photographed! It's not possible. We'd have photos if they could be photographed. Hell, some of them don't even show up in mirrors (particularly the sort of old-timey mirror backed with silver). So how on this blue earth can I intend you to advise how to take such pictures?

I do admit you'd need to go shopping for a camera that can capture them. And capture, erhm, isn't really the right word. Capture would imply you have control over the Being, in some material way - it's more that you can get cameras that create portraits with accuracy. Seek cameras with language like "portrait" and "likeness" over "memory" or "capture."

I'm not saying, that in theory, there isn't some ~magical~ version of digital photography that's able to capture the aforementioned liminal sorts, but I've yet to find it. And it's certainly not on your phone. You need something with film.

A polaroid is a shockingly good option for this sort of activity. There's something about the theoretical uniqueness that the worlds seem to agree with, when it comes to the portraiture of the peculiar.

Surprisingly, the majoring of Beings and Mostly-Humans can be photographed, given the right equipment and lighting - the question of if you should or if they're willing is an entirely different matter. If you're reading this, I likely cannot disillusion you of this endeavor, at least not wholesale for all Beings and Mostly Humans, but will urge you to consider the latter issue of their agreement. Manners are aggressively important to most of them, so I recommend quite strongly only to photograph that which has agreed, which admittedly, does narrow your options.

There are three narrow exceptions to the above: the first of which is if you are absolutely certain the entity specifically is not identifiable. No faces, tattoos, or aggressively identifiable (or identifiably aggressive) body parts. Think a group at a marketplace where everyone is hooded or otherwise hidden anyways, or perhaps the feet of a harpy without scarring that identifies that specific harpy.

The second exemption is for parts of them - a tooth, a claw, a scale, that is - and this is critically important - entirely disconnected from whoever or whatever it came from.

The third is for monsters, frankly, the sort you shouldn't be that close to anyways, but if you're seriously looking for advice on this, the ship containing your sense of self-preservation has obviously sailed. By monsters in this context, I mean that which operates on pure instinct, no calculations or sense of vengeance - that which could not conceivably be sentient.

All of the above, of course, applies to living Beings. If you manage to find one that's dead (and I mean really, truly, 100%, not coming back for Halloween, not in the stone and watching, but dead as a doornail diorama of a dinosaur dead), there are still risks. Much as a dead jellyfish's cells still sting, a dead Being's eyes or skin might have a nasty reverb on your camera. But the risks are lower.

You'd be shocked at all that you're able to photograph. If you cannot get them to show up on your camera, however, it is time to leave. Immediately. 7a. Some entities that cannot be photographed like to play with their food. You won't like their games. 7b. Some entities will agree to be photographed for a trade. You won't like their exchange rate.

Photo negatives often yield strange results for subjects that should be normal. Don't expect any less of the negatives of strange sorts.

Inconveniently, many sentient sorts of entities will only be photographed in circumstances of plausible deniability, where your photo could not conclusively form evidence of their existence.

Keep. Your. Flash. Off. At best you will enrage your subject(s). It is more likely you will not be able to unsee what the flash reveals. Annoyingly, many will appear, much less consent to be photographed, at night. Don't succumb to the desire to turn on the flash.

So I've told you about the dangers in many types of restaurants and retail, so you've come to the conclusion (possibly over an ice cream cone), that way to go is to order in via a restaurant's app or a delivery service that dashes to doors or is a hub for grub or promises to be without seams (although for most foods, one hopes not to find seams in any case).

Much like online shopping has its perils just as IRL does, however, ordering food online is not without...unappetizing possibilities. Most of these apps prompt you to tip, conversely, I'm here to offer the following tips:

Typically, a food app will have a range that they deliver in. If you're in a city or suburbia, this is good news, less so in a rural area. Some of these apps let you get food delivered out of range for an extra fee - just make sure you're in the range of beings the restaurant caters to.

If you live on the border of zip codes, there might be some minor issues delivering to your address. If you live (or "live") on the border between worlds, expect major issues.

If you're the deliverer of sustenance: if the being who ordered tacos at the witching hour tips well but something seems off about their home, take the tip and don't tip off local hunters of such beings. You don't want to be their next meal.

If you're the (ultimate) acquirer of sustenance, all the usual rules about tipping decently apply - much as I've previously discussed fae types being attracted to diners and sorcerer types being into coffee shops, shapeshifters seem to find something joyous in shifting their location and the type of food they're delivering. Do you really want to be dealing with an undertipped werewolf?

It is perfectly normal for menu items and even restaurant availability to fluctuate. It is not, however, perfectly normal to suddenly have an overflow of off-brand restaurants (MickDanold's, CookOn, DarvoQueen, etc.)

Beware any menu items listed in quotation marks. If it's in quotation marks, I would urge you to read the ingredients if you must order it at all.

Related to #4: it's truly best not to ask who or what would be willing to dash or avoid seams at 2:12 a.m. for a measly $12.50.

Most apps will let you track a driver's progress. If the app begins to show them traversing different dimensions, I beg of you, cancel the order.

It's pretty par for the course for delivery apps to cost more than if you bought the food in person. Just read the fine print in the terms and conditions to ensure that's the only additional cost.

Bear in mind what is the responsibility of the restaurant vs the deliverer vs the app. If the fries didn't have enough salt, that's not on the entity who brought it to your hovel. Don't hold the deliverer responsible for the behavior of the restaurant - they might decide to hold you responsible for something in return.

Use the rating system honestly, but with the kindness and patience you might hope that, um, beings, may rate you with when they have the power over your income (or worse).

If you find you consistently cannot order garlic in a particular area, or food is never salted, that might be a hint about the sort of orders your local Entities might be avoiding.

As my first-ever Ruleshorror list might have implied, I'm not much into Christmas, but a longstanding tradition of my people (particularly in the U.S.) is the creation of Christmas-related content - songs, movies, and more. As I'm in the habit of writing shopping survival guides, it's only fitting that my contribution to this legacy is a guide to find the Best Christmas Tree Ever - I suppose I might take my own advice come Tu Bishvat.

Shop early, but not too early. At least if you want a mundane tree. If you're too early, the tree isn't ready and may react poorly, and if you're too late, then there's a reason that the tree was still available. I can only hope, for your sake, that it the reason is something like size or injury to the tree - not its ability to resize at will or cause injury to others. 

If you can hear the trees talking, you don't want to buy a tree there. If you can hear trees talking everywhere you try, you've got much bigger problems than finding a pine. 

I'm not saying it's not cost-effective to find a tree on the side of the road or with bulk trash night - I'm just saying that the people threw it out for a reason, and it might not have been an ugly pre-Christmas breakup. Or hey, it might have been a really ugly pre-Xmas breakup, and now the tree knows too much. 

If two trees are entwined, they don't want to be separated. Get neither or both. 

Pine trees are a little spiky, but you know they shouldn't be but so point. If its too spiky, that tree doesn't want you. 

You also probably know how a Real TreeTM is supposed to smell. If it smells like fire, this is a problem. If it smells like cookies, it's a very different kind of problem, but still a problem. If it smells like ash, I can't help you. 

Make sure the tree is sturdy enough to hold all the ornaments, pictures, gifts, and/or candles that are going to be hanging off of it. Maybe even take your heaviest ornament tree shopping, so you can see if the tree can and will hold it for you. 

Plenty of Beings celebrate too (and not just Christmas!) - you do not want to get in between the Wild Hunt and where they're going, and that might just involve a path through the tree farm. 

Relatedly, places with lots of trees just tend to have a lot of mostly-human hang arounds. Be nice but don't follow anyone anywhere, especially if they aren't staff. 

If the roots are weird, the tree may lead you down some weird routes. 

Fake trees have their merits and problems too. If you have a new artificial tree you're safe from many dangers, for sure. Not all of them, but definitely safer than a hand-me-down. Hand-me-down trees have a magical tendency to open portals to previous owners, so if you want to see your folks in the '50s and '60s... 

Trees should have shadows. If there should be a shadow and there isn't, that tree isn't for you. 

Although I don't personally buy that it's "the most wonderful time of the year," something I genuinely appreciate about December is that at least where I live, it's the norm to get some time off as the year draws to a close. For me, that likely means, Unnamed Global Circumstances Permitting, a road trip. Perhaps you're planning the same. If that's the case, it means you need to stock up on snacks and supplies for the trip.

Like with any other kind of "food" and supply shopping, however, it comes with its own set of risks to consider. Here's how to stay safe(r). 

When stocking your car for a road trip, there are plenty of mundane reasons that a blanket is a good idea. It's also a good idea because you never know what kind of coldness you might encounter in unfamiliar places. 

Going to Walmart or a gas station for snacks has its own risks. If you're at a gas station, you might find some strange, off-brand candies or snacks. Sometimes it's just a local or regional thing - go ahead and try the Original Ridged Edible Option. As long as the bags don't slip through your hands or anything weird like that, you should be good. 

I'm a big fan of physical maps. You're likely primarily using your phone to navigate. That's not a problem, but the reality is there are plenty of locales you might be driving through that don't have services. It's entirely possible that you might not have service because there's no tower yet in Wherever, Wyoming, or What-Post-Office, West Virginia, but it could also be an issue of something more paranormal causing outages. Either way: get an atlas. 

With that said, don't just buy any atlas or grab any map at the rest stop. Some of them may be a map to something else - do you really want to be in rural Nebraska in the 1920s? Old maps are (at best), for wall pieces, not navigation. If your previously-normal map is now from another bygone era, you have a problem. If your map is somehow now of a future era, you have a big problem. 

Roadside. Emergency. Kit. You should just have these in your car anyways - jumper cables, big blanket, tire pressure gauge, and so forth - but beyond the mundane reasons, a broken down car in the middle of nowhere is like a sirens call to Beings. 

Bring a reusable mug and water bottle. This is *mostly* practical, but also because you don't want the crunch of the plastic water bottles to attract the wrong kind of attention. 

Breath mints are an excellent idea, especially if you're going to be traveling with a companion. Just make sure they're breath mints, not breathless mints. 

Relatedly, sunscreen and bug spray are something you want to pack, as it'll probably be very expensive wherever you stay. With that said, make sure you get sunscreen, not sunscream (easy mistake) and bug spray instead of bug say (which will have you speaking to bugs). 

I feel like I shouldn't even have to tell you the rule about not packing hitchhikers. 

As much fun as it can be to get slimy, greasy, carby road food, I implore you to also pack some regular stuff like granola bars, raisins, pretzels, and so forth. A toll might be demanded on you - *sustenance*, one might say, and you want to be able to offer something other than yourself and a bag of pretzels is easy to pass through the window quickly. 

Speaking of tolls, make sure you have cash on you. Easy pass or equivalent too if possible. You do not want to barter with what lives below or above the bridge. 

If you don't own a sturdy umbrella, buy one. In some places, the rain might be...different...from back home. 

So for whatever godforsaken reason, you find yourself in a school cafeteria. Maybe, bless your heart, you're a middle or high school student, so getting lunch somewhere a little more fun, like a candy shop, is out of the question. Maybe you're a parent, or maybe you even work at the cafeteria, or maybe you're a teacher who forgot their lunch, whoops. In any case, school cafs are a weird place, and you definitely want some guidance going in, even if you'd rather be shopping anywhere else.

Most cafeteria workers are human. Hell, you might even be a human cafeteria worker reading this, but be assured that an unusual proportion of your coworkers are mostly human, which is entirely different. Be nice to caf workers - offend the human ones and you risk your food, offend the nearly human ones and risk your life.

Paying in exact change is your friend. You don't want to use a card here - that's eminently trackable, but not the worst option. You might think the worst option is cash and getting back change covered in what is at best sweat and at worst otherworldy ectoplasm, but actually paying by check is the worst option because the only thing worse than giving the fae your name is giving them your name in writing.

I know there are strange scratches in the tables from years yonder. Don't try and track the patterns. Many good men, women, and children have been lost to the scratches on the table - they go deeper than you think.

Similarly, the tables and chairs have odd stains and substances sticking to them. If the stain gets bigger when you bleach it, leave it be - you won't win. If the "gum" doesn't come off with the scraper and the chemicals, it's not gum.

If the creaky chair sounds less like creaks and more like shrieks, find a new chair.

School cafeterias are in, well, schools. Schools have, well, schoolchildren. The children will be mostly human as well, but if you see little pale blue children, or children whose teeth are a little too long and sharp, or who forgot to tuck in their tails or wings, be nice but don't tell them your full name. Especially not the winged kiddos.

If you attempt to leave the cafeteria, and can't get any of the doors open, you have a problem.

If you can get the door open but the hallway doesn't look quite like the school, but looks like an older version, you have a big problem.

If there's a walk-in freezer, always leave a doorstop in when you're inside - walk-ins lead to...strange places.

If you go to grab a bag or can of something, whether you're purchasing from a rack or pulling from a stockroom, and it doesn't budge or feels it's pulling away, perhaps it's best to let it be. It may have been left for someone else.

The lunch trays should be fairly standardized. If one of the trays looks too old or smells weird or has chunks missing, pick a different one.

Knowledge is power - if you don't know what's in the mystery slop, ask. If you can't recognize what the ingredients are, google it. If the internet doesn't know, don't eat it.

Although you won't find it titled as such on your calendar, spooky season is really the best. I unironically love fall, pumpkin pie, bats, ghost stories, horror movies, and cheap candy as much as I love writing shopping guides. Maybe you celebrate by trick-or-treating. Maybe you're going bar-hopping and need a costume, maybe you have a house party. Maybe you just want to be the most fun person at Walmart, I don't know your life.

In any case, you need a costume. This is how to survive finding one.

1. Yes, it is suspicious that the Halloween stores pop up of nowhere. Where do they go the rest of the year? It's um, not a good place. Don't hang around in the store when it's shutting down for the season. I promise you don't want to go with it.

2. A lot of costumes you'll find online and at costumes stores are off brand. Is that a Disney princess? No, of course not. That's Darling Original No Trademark Blonde Lady And Mice Evening Magic Ensemble Princess, of course. Just make sure the costume doesn't spell out a weird acroynm or have spells in the name.

3. The faux vampire teeth go in your mouth. If they affix to you neck and you can't get them off, you have a big problem.

4. Lots of costumes have capes. I love capes. If it's tightening itself around your neck, it doesn't love you.

5. If a costume is marked waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the hell down and it's spooky season, don't you think there's a reason?

6. It's well-known that spooky season is a time when mostly-humans and things are nowhere near mostly-human hang around humans because it's easier to blend. This is true, and it's still true at the costume shop. Be careful - you don't want to ruin a vampire's first halloween in decades.

7. Relatedly, if you see another customer at the costume shop paying in strange currency, don't comment on it. You don't want to make yourself part of the transaction.

8. Most costumes aren't returnable. Read the warranty anyways - you want to be sure it's just a costume and you aren't knockoff Antman forever (where do you think superhero impersonators in Vegas and NYC come from).

9. Sometimes costume accessories have vague names when you order them online. What is "the darkness" or "fairy essence" anyways? In most countries, they legally have to disclose on packaging what the stuff is made of - if they don't, major red flag.

10. Lots of costumes involve weapons of some sort. Aside from the fact you may be turned away from bars or parties, there's also the risk that it's not a costume piece. More weapons with less than stellar histories have been stashed in costume shops than you think, and more of those weapons than you'd think are linked to more supranatural affairs (and thus dangerous even to the touch, much less in how you might end up cursed).

11. Fairies, angels, devils, and more involve wings. If the wings seem to shift away from you when you touch them, they're not yours. Best case scenario after your purschase is that they part ways with you and you're out $15 and a piece of your costume, worse case scenario they don't part ways and they take you with them.

12. Some costumes are inflatable. This is super fun, but it is of critical importance you don't get lost in the space inside.

So maybe fine dining is a little hoity-toity for you, but you've still been running around town and got to eat. Maybe you're more of the casual sort or enjoy quaint little places. That's just as well about the high-end dining, making reservations is annoying. So you find yourself at one of my favorite genres of eating establishments, a good old fashioned diner. If you've spent a significant amount of time in diners you know they can be odd places with way more supranatural Beings than you'd think, and if you didn't know that, now you do. Allow me to guide you through surviving all the oddities at your local diner.

There are a lot of theme diners, particularly '50s themed. This is fun, I too enjoy a milkshake and checkered tiles. Be aware, however, that if the diner is actually from the '50s and still themed that way continuously, it's probably a portal to a '50s Pocket. It's actually one of the most reliable ways to access the 1950s, but it's much more difficult to leave. 

A lot of old-timey fae and witch types that give advice become diner waitresses. I don't know so many choose this profession specifically, but it's something really popular with those from "and then the old beggar was secretly an ENCHANTRESS" type stories. So maybe tipping is a good idea. 

Are the fries good? Any diner worth its salt should have excellent fries. If they're not good, something is very, very wrong. 

If they write the receipts out by hand, they may have some...alternate payment instructions enclosed. Follow said instructions at your own risk. 

It's well-known lobsters take forever to sell at diners. In fact, so long that they occasionally develop sentience. I don't recommend diner lobster period, but seriously, don't eat the talking lobster. 

Sitting at the counter is fun. Sitting at the counter with 1930s gangsters who are suddenly there is your cue to get the check ASAP. 

Similar to the Walmart tile thing I warned you about a while ago, do not follow any paths in the diner-tile floor. If the tiles seem to arrange themselves into a path, this is not a good thing. Especially if it leads to the kitchen. 

You really shouldn't be in the kitchen. Like, in general, why would you be there? Especially in the now-times? But diners specifically - there's some stuff you just can't un-see and some ingredients you can't un-eat after you learn what they really are. 

A lot of diners spotlight local other businesses, if they're a small little place themselves. This is good. And not to create an attractive nuisance, but the diner placemat is actually a pretty good place to start if you're seeking supernatural. 

Soda is often watered down and coffee gets reheated. Feel free to complain if it seems normal-wrong. If you look down and your coffee is blue or your sprite is purple, something is out to get you and it's probably too late. 

Most diners, the old ones, have guardian spirits. You do NOT want to meet them. 

Lots of little places have dog bowls outside. Do not disturb the dog bowls. The only acceptable interaction is buying a treat and place it there WITHOUT touching the bowl itself.