Just Practicing
Art inspiration by @stelscribbles
Let’s go, Romabby! ❤️💖
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This is stupid. What the hell am I thinking? The fact that I find this stupid before Baby saying it first – that is, if he ever finds out – says a lot.
My arms cross over my chest as I stare down. What rests on my bed sends conflict all over my body, the regret leaving a rotten feel in my gut.
Why did I do this? Why did I follow the urge? One moment it was just there, sitting behind the display window with a bunch of multiple kinds like it, and now it’s here, on my bed, staring up at me with those embroidered art eyes among its little plushie body. Eyes replicating the same doe-innocent look, as well a near copy to the rose-colored strands framing the light tanned face.
A plushie. Of Romance, one of my group members.
I bought a Romance Saja Boy plushie, a toy small to be the exact size of my pec and made entirely for the intention of a fan girl or boy, who would graciously purchase on sight with no matter on the cost. Such a fan would be lucky; they don’t have to deal with possible embarrassment of having it in their room, within the same building shared with the guy the toy’s based off.
Oh God. The thought of it gets my face burning every time since I saw it and got it to my room unseen by the other boys.
It’s ridiculous. Harmless, but stupid anyway. Coming from someone like me, this isn’t a situation I’d put myself into. And yet, here I am, standing in front of a Romance plushie, and with a reason that makes the embarrassment escalate.
Not because it’s cute (which it is).
Not just because it’s based off him.
Not because of anything… except to practice.
Practice kissing.
On Romance.
… My crush.
Fuck me.
My hands slap over my face, a temperate shield from seeing the doll while also feeling how hot my skin is right now. “Why did I do this? Why did I do this?! This is so embarrassing!” I complain to myself, but softly. The walls aren’t too thin, but if I burst out, anyone could hear me even from outside.
I blame Mystery. Well, mentally, anyway. It’s not entirely his fault. I went into his room one day, looking for something and I noticed a certain Huntr/x doll hidden in the closet, in a good spot that no one should be able to notice instantly unless in a search like I was. Always had a feeling he had a thing for the ebony, double-bun girl – Although, she’s not one to hide her feelings so easily around him either.
Kept it to myself anyway. Which led to thinking, imagining, considering, wanting, obtaining, and now deeply regretting. It’s better in my head, but since it’s done, there’s no turning back. Plus, I threw away the receipt, so it’s literal. It’s a must.
It’s frustrating. Getting this worked up over a kiss, especially on a doll that is bearing a near replica to my crush and group member shouldn’t be more tense than any routine we have to do for performances. I mean, it’s Romance! I shouldn’t even have a crush on the guy! It’s bad enough that the fans ship both of us with Mira – I mean, seriously? “Pink Poly Club?” Clever, but I can’t hear that song the same way again – but to actually have feelings for him, and him alone?
My hands drag down to removal, returning attention to the doll with shame and regret. I shouldn’t have done this. It feels wrong, and insensitive, and truly ridiculous. Romance doesn’t know, and shouldn’t know about this. It’s too much – too far, maybe! I can’t even make a joke out of it if asked, or even lie my way in saying a fan got this for me because of their “Romabby” or “Miromabby” liking.
Sigh.
My legs move over to plop on the end of the bed, picking up the doll for a close-up. Its size can cover my whole hand, bearing a texture not too soft or hard to give it a nice squeeze. The hair is one piece of rose, shaped fabric, framing the head just as the real hair would do on the real Romance. Eyes that can never blink stare back at me and hold a seducing gaze that can have someone gushing like it’s the real deal. Not to mention the small smirk underneath them. All that is missing is the finger heart he would do, if not for the hands being stubs at his sides.
It’s only a cartooned plush copy, implying but not be an exact look-a-like to the Saja Boy.
And yet, my heart chooses to race in my chest.
“What are you doing to me, man?” I mutter, expecting no answer in return. “I just can’t get you out of my mind.”
We hardly knew each other before this group even happened, but we all somehow became quite close to each other. The greatest of friends I’m lucky to get, those I cherish as much as this journey we’re on now. It’s crazy that a short period of time led to not only gaining a new family, but also new feelings to someone special.
Someone who I value over our friendship so much, but also longs for more. And it would kill me if things don’t work out at all.
My thumb rubs at the soft fabric, but I envision it to be his warm, smooth skin from all the skin care products he’s always attentive with as his hair routine. Imagine how warm it was, whether from body temperature or the heat of the sun, kissing with a soft tan.
Gazing at the embroidered eyes – those deep chocolate pools that can sink me inside with one gaze. How they would be open with wonder and curiosity, not out of resentment and disgust. God, it would kill me so much if he turned me down bad – but I know Romance isn’t like that. Fans can call him a Prince or a heartbreaker, but he’s not heartless like some secretive soul-taking, yet devilishly handsome demon. It would hurt, but he would mean well; he’s respectful with everyone, not just me alone.
And yet…
Just imagining his face in my hands, Romance almost nuzzling against my palms in return, gets my heart pumping by the imagination. My face gets warm and my eyes close by the presence of returning embarrassment.
It’s silly. It’s stupid. It’s crazy!
It doesn’t mean anything!
It’s just a crush!
I shouldn’t be this wild-fucking-up!
But…
And yet, I…
I’m—
“Abby, have you seen my—”
My eyes shoot open, and time freezes.
Just fucking kill me already, God. Don’t let me take note that I was just about to kiss the damn doll… right as the real-life inspiration comes through the door, catching me on the act. As gracious are you to not let it be Baby, I almost wish it was… Almost.
Seriously. Just let me die.
Have Abby Saja go out the window, fall straight to his instant death on the concrete sidewalk, and let the world deal with the remaining four members while mourning over the loss of “South Korea’s Winter Soldier”. (Although, I’m still a little offended that Choi San from ATEEZ got the “Steve Rogers” title.)
Don’t let me stay here. Don’t let me suffer worse than any routine, schedule, interview, traveling, and everything I have to endure in a time-consuming performance environment in one massive combination.
Don’t let me live this down.
“Ah… A-Abby?”
Time resumes, and my body slouches. My head ducks down, following the direction of the plushie landing on the ground between my feet. I swear my face is going to explode and become a second sun at this rate.
I’m done for.
Why did it had to be me?
I barely take note of the door closing, nor the footsteps shifting across the carpeted floor until reaching near me. It’s when feeling the bed drop a little on my right is when my hands sink into my hair, gripping on to dear life to almost yank every fuchsia-dyed strand off from the root.
“Don’t pull your hair,” Romance scolds, but I can hear that unnatural shyness in his voice. Since when did he ever sound like that?!
“Just let me die,” I mutter, my head ducking still because there’s no way I can look at him straight. (Ha. Humor… Fuck my life.)
“I can’t do that. Jinu would put suspicion on me when Baby deserves that more.”
A side of my lips jumps a little at his joke. The little menace with the sick raps would be the first in questioning and he wouldn’t give a flying damn about it, even if he didn’t do anything. I still keep my head down, but my eyes take note of the now missing plushie and a pair of closed feet near my right foot. Romance’s wearing those fuzzy pink slippers he likes so much from a fan.
“So… You, uh…” I tense up, expecting. “You got a plushie? …Of me?”
My hands relax but stay in my hair. “… Yes.”
“And… you were… I mean, you look like you were going to—”
“Yes.”
Silence lays. There’s no need of an explanation. He knows what he saw.
“Oh.”
I don’t think I’ve ever heard his voice that soft before. Even more so than Mystery’s. And somehow, suffocation comes from it, making it so painful.
With my head down, I’m pretty positive my burning face matches my dyed hair color now. Not even a loud honk from a passing car outside and below can overcome the pounding race from my heart to my eardrums. Romance isn’t saying another word; it’s terrible since it’s a distraction, kind of, despite speaking of what he saw.
I can deal with hundreds of screaming fans at my face.
I can deal with constant work hours of learning choreography and singing sessions.
I can deal with cameras constantly pointing at my face, and broadcasting my image towards millions and millions of viewers when in Seoul or any other location. Even from my phone during video blogs!
But, this? Being in my room, alone with my crush and group mate, dying in silence after getting caught in trying to kiss a plush version of him?
Yeah, this takes the cake. Ironic, isn’t it.
Just fucking take me, Death.
“Ab—”
I miss Romance speaking again when I let out a loud ass groan. It’s game over. I’m done. My body falls back into a plop, bouncing a little on the mattress. My hands then slide from my hair to my face, muffling my voice as it becomes a broken dam.
“Fuck my life! Fuck this so much! I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have done this but I did and it’s so fucked up! I don’t even know why I did this — Yes, I do, and it’s fucked up! Like, who would even be okay with this kind of shit?! I’m insane! I’m becoming one of those fans with the shrines and the weird prayers and the voodoo desires—”
“Abby–”
I shake my head with my body, rocking side to side as the embarrassment runs through me. “I fucked up. I’m sorry. I made you uncomfortable. I promise I’ll stop, but I’ll get it if you don’t want to talk to me again.”
“Abby–”
“It’s dumb. It’s stupid. It’s fucked up! It’s insane! It’s—”
“ABBY!”
I shut up and freeze, jolting at the exclaim. I’m used to Jinu getting annoyed, yelling when he’s in Captain Mode, but I’ve never heard Romance yell. Almost fulfilling fans’ idea of Romance, being the “mom” to Jinu’s “dad” of the group. I even feel cautious as dealing with an angry mom right now, peaking through my lifting hands to note on his expression.
Romance isn’t facing me.
He’s still in the same position the moment he sat down. The doll stays in his hands, and his head is slightly bowing that his long hair can curtain the sides. Completely shielding me from his face.
Not everything stays hidden, though. Where I lay, I can see the veins in near sticking out by how tight he’s holding the doll. Not to mention the redness at the tip of his left ear and I think on his neck behind the hair.
What is happening?
“I!”
I blink, not ready for that blurt out, too. Nor how his shoulders raise to touch his ears, and the plushie following for his face to hide into.
I almost couldn’t hear him.
“I-I… I don’t mind.”
…
… What?
A heart drop in shame, or a heart to leap and try to escape through my throat are the common two internal reactions and either one part of my expectations. Instead, a warmth leaves from the center of my chest. I remember how to breathe again.
“You…” I stop. Gulp. Then bring myself back into a sitting position, trying again. “You don’t mind?”
Romance keeps his head down, but a slight head nod is done.
I couldn’t believe this. He caught me almost kissing a doll of himself, and he says ‘it’s okay’? I don’t know how to deal with this. No teasing, no mockery, no disgust at me whatsoever. Just okay. It’s fine. He’s alright with that…
Confusion takes over the embarrassment immediately. “You serious? I mean, you just saw me do… what I was about to do, and you’re fine with that? I would get it if it’s a fan who’s obsessed with you, but–”
“Do you like me?”
“Yes, but I don’t get that—”
I stop at the shift of the bed. Immediately the doll gets a slam down on Romance’s lap, along with his head darting up and turning over to me. Eyes bulging out and his face now a tomato’s shade gets me thinking back on what I miss during the talking.
And then my own face mirrors his.
I really need Death to take me already.
“Uhh!” Now I’m the one too embarrassed to willingly look at him. “What I meant is that, I do like you as my friend and group mate and all, but I…” Oh, geez. What is this so fucking hard to do?! I almost forget how to breathe again. “I don’t know. Recently, I have been feeling… new things around you? And I guess I want to know more of it? It’s complicated,” I then groan out. Emotions and thoughts are so complex; no wonder it’s constantly done in music that listeners relate to.
“Abby?”
Getting exhausted by this dilemma, I still look over to Romance anyway. Only for my vision to be blocked by the plushie, the soft texture and the embroidered line of a lip pressing against my lips before pulling away.
Blink. Twice. Three times.
What just happened?
The plushie is brought back to Romance, hiding only his lips but not muffling the clear words: “It’s complicated for me, too, but… I wanna try.”
My face already feels like a volcano ready to erupt, only to give out a release that has me wanting to fall and never get up as the words take a toll on me with a weight I could never lift off.
It doesn’t stop the growth of my smile, my joy vibrating that I’m going back and forth from looking at Romance to looking at anywhere in the room. I’m giddy as a child on a sugar high, as a fan meeting us after waiting for days, as a simple human being obtaining a goal too impossible to get but still succeeded.
It feels like those things, and more that can match this feeling.
I nod for a long time, but I didn’t care. It’s fine. This is fine. Everything’s fine. Better than what I could imagine.
“Cool.”
Romance ducks his head, but I could catch the ghost of his grin hidden beneath his hair curtains. “Cool.”
If Death took me to Heaven already without my notice, I’m never leaving.
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Fucking finally! Took me forever to get this done – and to have it posted on the first day of August! Damn, how time flies!
Hope you enjoyed it and, with as much luck, I’ll put more effort on another writing project like have before 😂😭🫰🏾
I also envision the plushie to be like that ‘cookie run: kingdom’ version of him:
