#robert wise

Julie Andrews as Gertrude Lawrence in Star! (1968).

Directed by Robert Wise, Star! traced the extraordinary life of legendary British actress, singer, and theatrical icon Gertrude Lawrence—from her rise in Edwardian music halls to her reign as one of Broadway and the West End’s brightest stars. Reuniting Andrews with her The Sound of Music director, the lavish 20th Century-Fox production showcased her remarkable versatility, demanding everything from sophisticated Noël Coward wit to dazzling musical numbers and dramatic intensity.

Do the Greeks not know that it’s requisite to have an entire hype squad to accompany their battering ram? Even Orcs know that shit. Grand! Grand! Grand! And they call Odysseus a clever man. No wonder this shit took a decade to sort out. This incredibly 50s accounting of the Iliad both romanticizes and enshittifies everything that makes that Homeric epic poem a messy masterpiece. Complicated politico-sexual dynamics and all of the problems that ensues are down to single conversations and a romantic notion of “an island” that Helen and Paris can retreat to. Achilles is a touchy jock, which is very true, but when introduced and removed apropos of nothing it loses its impact. But still. The Greeks suck. Basically, if millennial pop girlies normalized the fuck-ass bob, these city-state motherfuckers were sporting the fuck-ass beard. Their conduct is far less than sporting, and Odysseus is a clever if dirty cheat until he gets his whole own chapter in this situation. War is hell, and even the face that launched a thousand shits can live to regret that situation.

Given her involvement in the latter Homeric work, it’s fascinating that Athena is essentially an antagonist here. Nobody values a clever strategist, but it makes sense if Paris favoured Aphrodite in his game of apples. She does look like a bit of a garbage pail kid in her statue at the Trojan high temple, so that’s doing her no favors.

We love a classic sword and sandals epic. But sometimes the matte painting just ain’t right. Robert Wise is a brilliant, Oscar winning director. But my holy fuck, lines of copy-paste triremes on the shore is a shit look. Similarly the score lacked urgency, just pounding pseudo-Wagnerian bullshit down our ear canals and even making us listen to an entire Overture of subpar nonsense before the real action begins.

THE RULES

PICK ONE

Select either the TROJANS or the SPARTANS and sip when they are named in some form.

SIP

Wagnerian music sting.

Now kiss moment.

Equine imagery.

BIG DRINK

Cassandra is ignored or dismissed.

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