#rip frankenputer

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. It really doesn’t matter. Better yet! Check out “Heart of the Game, Fredonia” - they can sell you those D12’s with the symbols on them! Get in contact with them on Facebook, shipping to the U.S. only, and tell them “Shujin Tribble” sentcha. “Hail, Hail, Fredonia!” Home of the Blue Devil!

These ‘Scopes are due to release just in time for the first week of March, so we’re paying special HAPPY BIRTHDAY… to My Computer - “BOX”! Now, yes. Box’s actual birthday is hard to nail down since, you know, it was a pre-built HP machine sold through “Worst Try”, and parts of it have been replaced over the years, but it’s still chuggin’ along! So with a nod to Markiplier’s reliance on The Ship of Theseus, let’s enjoy memories of 2013.

Aries 

You get to start us off with realizing that BOX is Twelve Years Old! Not quite untested but not yet a teenager. There’s been some growing pains over the years, but at least it’s unlearned many of the things it was taught at birth, like running Windows 8! These days it’s mainly Ubuntu Linux and Windows 10, and with what it’s lacking in hardware that’s about as far as Windows will progress for it. So This Week… For those about to Age Out of Windows 10’s security umbrella who have no upgrade path beyond it, now’s the time to consider making a Linux Bootable Thumb Drive and testing out everything with it. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Taurus 

From its storage to its brain, BOX went from being a 6-Core computer to an 8-Core, which most folks would say is a great upgrade. But the problem is it was an AMD “FX” chip. For those not in the know, these chips were, shall we say, ”Inelegant”. Think of going to the grocery store, but in a fuel-sucking muscle car instead of a more conservative hybrid. So This Week… The best time of year for you is the winter. Your core body temperature is naturally high, so it’ll be good to cool down naturally. As for the CPU, it won’t matter. The stock cooler sucks anyway.

Gemini 

Let’s talk about that CPU a little bit more, though. What do you do with an old one? You use it to upgrade a different computer, of course! In this case it went to max out someone else’s computer, taking them from four cores to six, freeing up THAT one for a higher purpose yet to be described. So This Week… You really need to remember to take out the recycling. It’s easy - just set it next to the door so you take it with you as you head out for the day. And don’t just forget it in the back seat of your car this time.

Cancer Moon-Child 

We’re getting you something math related that will make very little sense. Computers are binary devices, so they work in multiples of two. And, subsequently, so would RAM as well. So you’d expect it to start with two, four, eight, or even sixteen Gigs of it, and you’d be wrong. It came with TEN Gigs. And before you say, “well maybe it was shared with video”, no - that was its own separate board. So This Week… It’s OK for you to feel off-kilter; it happens. Just take it easy, take it slow, and center yourself before you make any big moves.

Leo 

Remember how we told you about the Wil Wheaton Dice Curse last week? Well we’re using that again to finish the tale of the CPU Swaps. That four-core CPU finally found its way into Icarus’ infamous home server, “Hexadecimal” AKA “The Queen of Chaos”. She was named that because no matter what server OS was attempted to be loaded into it, it failed. It took finally trying Ubuntu Desktop to make it work - which made zero sense because the Desktop and Server versions are basically identical. So This Week… You know what Hex is missing, still? A SCSI (“Skuzzy”) card. Oh, there’s at least one iOmega-Branded one available from Adaptec, but who still uses them anymore?

Virgo 

If we’re going to talk about the computer naming adventure, it seems only fair that we get around to explaining how BOX got its name. Previous computers were named based on other computational gadgets from science fiction - so the laptop Icarus had was named “T-W-1-K-1”, “Tweeky”, from the old Buck Rogers TV series, which the smaller Netbook was “Dr. Theopolis”, the round face-thing Twiki carried around on his chest. So This Week… Go back to 1978 and watch “Jason of Star Command”. There’s one more “W-1-K-1” robot to be found. And he’s CUTE!

Libra

One thing we know you love is music - so it’s almost a given that you’ll get information about BOX’s sound. Normally it’s a given that computers these days have on-board sound and don’t need a specific add-in card to handle it; not like the days of yore. But this machine is weird in many ways, not the least of which is how it makes Old Man Body Sounds when there’s no sound to be playing. If you listen closely to headphones or speakers you can almost hear the motherboard talking to the other parts of the system. So This Week… Turn on Closed Captions for your YouTube surfing and see how that works for you. And if you want a challenge, change it to a different language.

Scorpio 

Ok, ok. We’ll let you in on the secret to BOX’s name. Believe it or not it comes in two flavours, both are factual, both are accurate, and both can be denied when pressed for the other. The mundane answer is because desktop computers are often referred to by the term, “box” - kinda the same way that Cylons and Protogens are sometimes called “toasters”. But the more fun one, and harder to just stumble across, is the character from the 1976 movie “Logan’s Run” named “Box”. It was a cyborg covered in disco-ball mirrors who was tasked with freezing food for a post-apocalyptic Earth. So This Week… There was an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation where they encountered a capsule with people cryogenically frozen from the late 20th century. The ship's name was the “S.S. Birdseye”. Remember to eat your vegetables.

Sagittarius 

You might like to know a little something about the computer that preceded BOX. It was named, “FrankenPuter”, because it was cobbled together from a lot of spare and old parts. And before you think the name was just for fun, the chassis and original parts were literally picked up on the side of the road that someone was throwing away. It worked well enough until the memory controller ate itself, which made BOX a necessity. So This Week… You know how there’s the old adage that The True Treasure Is The Friends We Make Along The Way? Well, FrankenPuter was not a friend and not a treasure. Sometimes you just have to replace the riff-raff you accumulate when you didn’t know what you were doing.

Capricorn 

Being almost done with the boring parts of that computer, it’s time to give you something wild to consider: from the front it almost looks like the Knight Industries Two-Thousand. The cassis is glossy black with silver trim and a bright red bar light across the middle. The only thing missing is any motion in it from side to side. So This Week… There’s a semi-official Universe Canon that says that “Knight Rider” exists in the same universe as “Battlestar Galactica” because of “Battlestar Galactica 1980”! If you want it to be worse in your head, go watch the movie “Megaforce” and watch the motorcycles.

Aquarius 

Instead of giving you boring minutia, we’re treating you to the cake! The best damned ice cream cake you could ask for; home made and not just out of the freezer from Carvel. It’ll take a while to make the ice creams, since we’re doing Vanilla and Coffee Chocolate, but it’ll be worth every drip off your spoon. So This Week… If you have the ability to make your own ice cream, do that. Yes it’s still winter, but why not have a little fun, right?

Pisces  

Well, not only is it the computer’s birthday, apparently somepony VERY close to you is sharing a birthday as well… Basically =YOU=! So Happy Solar-Orbital Natal-Reset Moment to you! The question is - what’s funnier? Turning forty years old… or REFUSING to turn forty? And now you understand why Jack Benny's running gag worked for literal decades! Because everyone’s just a little vain for themselves. So This Week… Cake is wonderful, but how about splurging on excellent quality food for one full day? Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner - and none of them came out of a frozen box. Let’s start with a Western Omelette and add, get this… Extra Bacon! Happy Birthday, my fellow Fish Faces! And thanks for being good to each other.