#richardposting

Also, K-pop

Listen I’ve been watching some videos on wedding traditions recently and those old commentary videos from when some seriously appalling vows went viral and cause I’m having a bit of a Richard Sterling moment (unfortunate) I started thinking about how he wants his wedding…

A lot of egotistical men seem to do this insane shit with the cake where they try and cakesmash the bride. No surprise that there’s anecdotes of this being a precursor to divorce because it’s insanely dangerous due to the construction of wedding cakes- but also because the act is supposed to symbolise how you’ll treat your partner in marriage. Honestly if Richard had it his way he would be feeding you the wedding cake by taking a bite himself and open-mouth-kissing it into your own (as this is the truest representation of how he’ll treat you in marriage) but there’s too many people around so he would settle for tenderly feeding you a small slice, index finger delicately swiping away at any residue on your face.

He would never, ever smash the cake as it’s very unbecoming but he wouldn’t wipe the residue off if he was pissed at you on the day. Low chance though even if you do some of the things that usually make him cold and bitter (ie, glancing in the direction of a man that isn’t him). He’s happy to be marrying his princess and shackling her forever with a diamond ring! He’s happy things get really messy if you leave him now! He’s especially happy to have such a public display of your love though. Put it in the papers that you’re well and truly taken. For you feeding him, he expects the same in return. You can expect punishment as soon as your consummation if you do anything unbecoming. He won’t tolerate direct blows to his image and whilst he may “forgive” you publicly, you’ll do penance privately.

The same kind of expectations extend throughout your entire wedding plan. He wouldn’t have a bachelor party and he doesn’t want you to have a bachelorette party. Celebrating your last days of being unmarried? Are you serious? Marrying Richard will be the best (WORST) thing to ever happen to you. You can have an extravagant bridal shower if you’d like but there’s no way in hell you’re having any kind of bachelorette party. He also doesn’t really want to spend time apart from you before the wedding but he’s more forgiving of that as a tradition.

Is Richard a groomzilla? A little. But he’s so close to having you wrapped around his finger in the legal respect (not that you wouldn’t be already thoroughly manipulated) that he can’t really chance scaring you off. As long as the wedding is cohesive, elegant, and probably a bit opulent, he’s fine to let you make your choices. The illusion of control is very useful when you need someone under your thumb. So he does have preferences for the music at the wedding but you’ll get your chosen songs too. And he has picked out a few centrepieces for the tables that he approves of, but you’ll get the final say. You can compromise on the bouquets, but honestly, dearest, this colour matches your eyes. I also think Richard would be into the idea of handfasting for obvious reasons.

Your wedding dress? Since the groom doesn’t typically see the bride until the wedding, that honestly puts a little bit of stress on him. And you do NOT want him in the room when you’re picking a dress. It would be a nightmare. All he can hope is that you pick something timeless and modest (he’s a misogynist to me heart emoji slash ironic) but if it’s not exactly to his tastes, well. He has a whole marriage to control your every wardrobe option. But god he would so much prefer it to be to his tastes. He has a wedding catalogue in hand and points to dresses saying he’s “picturing you in them” and he “just wants to imagine how gorgeous you’ll look on the day so i can prepare myself” Yeah okay richard we’re noticing how NONE of the ones he’s pointing out have cleavage or even exposed shoulders. And god forbid there’s an exposed ankle or a lack of veil. He would also want you to wear gloves for this reason. Richard, please, can a lady ditch an outdated social norm on her wedding day? (NO.)

And Richard will probably wear a charcoal or bottle-green suit to keep things classy. Why does he have it so much easier than you? A few fitting appointments and he has a tailored suit sorted for the event. He wants you to wear matching flower corsages on the day though. Cute.

It’s going to be a meticulously planned wedding from start to finish. His vows are going to be beautiful by the way, and also true, but it’s like lying by omission. Any wedding tradition that he considers uncouth has been carefully cut out (no garter tossing as it’s “degrading”, ie, he’s the only man that’s ever going to see that side of you from now on) but he still wants you to take his last name and to carry you over the threshold. Make up your mind, Richard.