#ri;

Daeil turned from his place in front of the stove of his apartment, leaning against the counter so he could look back at Risae. “You hungry? Or am I just crazy for inviting you over here just so I could cook?” he asked, making himself the butt of a joke he knew was bad. He had invited her over after they both were off work, and insisted on making dinner for Risae when she had asked if he had anything planned for the two of them that night. Besides cooking, Daeil honestly didn’t have anything specific in mind, as always he had just wanted to spend more time with her. Especially after she had kissed him, and since then all Daeil could think about how she might like him as much as she liked her, and also that he was an idiot for not having kissed her first. 

So I said "I think I should just ask a part of me that knows how to do the trust thing". But he said he wonders if that's just a deflection, since that wouldn't really be this part of me learning how to do it if I'm just handing it off to another part who doesn't have the specialized training that my therapist does. lol.

So what am I supposed to do? Do I force myself to not have those thoughts? I try to counter them by telling myself "well here's the positive side of this". But that's wrong too, because then my brain just turns into this Pros And Cons List Generator, which makes it 100x harder to make the tiniest decisions because I'm hyperaware of every consequence. So I try to distract myself. Oops, that's also wrong, because then I'm ignoring things or people, which is counterproductive.

I am still pretty angry at them for treating me like I should have been NT, especially since they are not NT themselves. And I'm angry about the kids that made my life a living hell at school.

But I'm also angry at the whole world, when I have no right to be. Who am I going to blame—every single person within earshot who makes completely normal sounds that happen to make my ears bleed? People driving the speed limit past my house? The friendly adults who were just trying to say hi? Or...should I be blaming all the noises and textures and commotion around me?

They think it's fine because I have all the symptoms that don't overlap with autism or ADHD, so they're comfortable with saying things like "it's something different, no part of us has those other symptoms at all".