So... I went online and put out a bunch of job applications. Because I've asked Tr and Ka and everyone there again and again and again to be direct with me if they have a problem or a difficulty. I have asked them again and again and again to be up front with me about what they want from me (without belittling me or talking down to me), and... nothing seems to change.

See, I've noticed, over the years, that there's this thing about being autistic. If you're like me and you ask people to tell you what they actually need from you because you can't read social cues... they still won't tell you what they need. And often... it's like... really little shit. Maybe they don't like how you hold yourself. How you move. The kinds of things you talk about. How often or how little you talk. And so many more that I don't even know how to list. And instead of, “hey, I feel really uncomfortable in response to this specific thing; can you do this other thing instead?” or, “hey, please pause conversation for a moment; I need to focus,” or, “hey, let's change the topic,” they'll just pretend like everything's fine. And so you don't know there's anything wrong, so you keep doing what you're doing. And then before you know it, you become the “annoying”, “creepy”, and “weird” person that no one likes to be around.

...I have a funny feeling that you know exactly what this is like.

...I think I've finally reached that point in this place. Seems to happen just about everyplace I start to think like I can belong to. So you know what? Far be it from me to overstay my welcome.

Putting out applications had my mind whirring until like 3am. So then I went to bed, because I just couldn't whir anymore. And then I woke up at like 7am, mind abuzz with more things and feeling like absolute shit because it is day three of rhinovirus, and symptoms still have yet to peak. I woke with chills, a nose that feels like it's burning on the inside, while somehow being both congested and running, a moderate headache, a sore throat, and a bit of a cough.

You can bet your ass that I stayed the fuck home from work. Yes, I know I can mask, but masks are only partially effective; it'll keep someone a decent distance away from me safe, but I still need to breathe, and my breath is still going to contaminate all of the surfaces near me, including the breads I'm handling and the bags I'm putting them in. I won't have it.

So instead, I put out a few more job applications. I guess we'll see what sticks.

I ate some food after that. But... feeling foggy and awful, I wasn't feeling particularly inspired. I mostly just scrounged around the kitchen like a snot-covered goblin to see what I could find. Here's what I came up with:

...Rice pudding.

Leftover salmon.

Cronchy corn snack.

Piece cheez:

...Nebula in a cup.

...We are out of honey. I asked J to fetch more on his way home.

I was supposed to help my friend Me today to give some medicine to her poor new kitten, Sokka, because she is away somewhere and was unable to do it. He and his sister, Katara, came from a hoarding situation that she called the local animal protection agency to investigate. I alerted Me on Thursday night that I had become ill, and confirmed that she still was all right with me doing the task at hand, and the potential exposure to rhinovirus; she has problems with her lungs, and getting an upper respiratory tract infection could potentially become a Very Big Deal for her.

...You don't know who something like rhinovirus could be a Very Big Deal for. People coming to the grocery store don't know they're gonna be exposed, and can't give me their consent. But Me can, and did:

So, away I went to Me's house (M drove), to refill the food bowl of the adult cats, and to go into the kitten room where Sokka and Katara are being kept, for now. I was instructed to allow them some time for supervised roaming with the other cats, outside of the room in which they're being kept. I refilled their bowl of dry kitten food. Katara was very eager for human company and attention, but Sokka seems to be afraid of people, so scooping him up to give him his medicine was a bit of a project, haha; thankfully, M helped. After giving Sokka his medicine, I opened two small packets of wet kitten food for them both, and they gobbled down their respective portions in mere moments; it was pretty incredible.

Anyway. Here. Meet Katara:

As you can see, she was very eager to climb all over me and to see what I (and her new vantage point!) was all about, haha!

I got home. I breathed life into today's wishes.

And... now is now. And due to the incessant running of my nose (and my need to use my hands to type instead of wipe), this is my current state:

...It stops my nose from running. It's not like I can breathe through it right now, anyway.

I'm... gonna stop writing because my brain isn't braining too good at the moment. I... probably just need to sit and be miserable and not do things. My head hurts; I should take more ibuprofen. Maybe I'll pass the time with Stardew or something...

I love you. I'm having faith that you're gonna be safe out there, and that you're gonna build for yourself the life you wanted as a boy someday. Ill or well, I'll be here, waiting for you, with my hand outstretched. Every day.

I'll write again soon.