#restrictiv thinking

In the beginning of March autism basically was my whole identity, and my everyday life was immensely impacted by my autism. Since the beginning of March and especially since the beginning of April, I changed a lot, and it feels good. I want to tell you about my change.

I lived the life of an L-MSN to M-MSN autistic person because I thought I would need this help now. My ADL and IADL skills are L-MSN to M-LSN. I gained a lot of independence, and in the beginning, I was extremely scared that doing things independent would be extreme suffering for me, but it the opposite is the case. This independence brings me joy. Doing ADLs and IADLs is also a good distraction, which prevents my brain from thinking negative thoughts.

How my IADL and ADL skills improved

I had a bit help with dressing at least on time a day in March. Now I dress myself independently every time. I had someone with me and a bit help with showering every time I showered in March . Now, I shower completely independently every time I shower. I had someone with me and a bit help with toothbrushing every time I brushed my tooth in March, and I only brushed my teeth once a day and only flossed a bit. Now, I brush my tooth independently 2 times every day and floss all teeth. Food preparation except for some very little things was completed for me in March. Now make my breakfast and dinner independently and try out cooking easy things / help with cooking because I want to learn it. Shopping was nearly ever completed for me without me. Now I shop on my own. I shop the bigger part on Saturday there a caretaker drives with me to the grocery store but I search and pay my stuff on my own and when something is out of storage I can go to the grocery store on my own and buy it. I can even ask a salesman in the grocery store or a salesman at the pharmacy for a specific thing I need. Nearly the whole housekeeping was completed for me. Now I clean multiples a week in my room or changing tasks like vacuuming, cleaning the toilet thing , washing up the floor and other stuff. My laundry was completed by a caretaker, and I helped minimally. Now, I do my laundry completely on my own. I don't left the plot of the care home on my own. No I can go to the supermarket on my own and O even go for walks in the woods.

My mental health and mindset also changed.

How My mental health and Mindset changed

I had death wish thoughs every day multiple times a day. Now I have no or only 1-2 deathwishthoughs each day.I had very often negative thoughts. Now I have them much more seldom. I had psychosomatic pain for multiple hours a day. Now I have some days without psychosomatic pain and when I have it I only have it for short time.I didn’t wanted any change , hated independence and saw it as my point of life was it to be severely disabled and in need of care because of restrictive thinking. Now I want change , I like independence and my goal is it to life semi independent in 1-2 years and my environment sees this as a realistic goal. I saw it as unfair and hated it that how my life and how good it will be depends on my own behaviour although I was never asked if I want to be born before birth. Now it feels good that my life is in my own hands and I want to make a good life out of it. I had meltdowns around 3 times a week. Now I had 1 meltdown a week in the last weeks, and it’s mostly really short.

A way of thinking I had this week which made me proud of myself because I thought very different in the End of March is that @aa-aaronsautism (I mention you because I think it will maybe help you to gain followers) told me that the out patient care service comes to him today and he is nervous. On the next day I asked him how it was. He told me it was okay, but the support worker was rushing because of the staff shortage in the care system. My thoughts in this moment were that I want to become able to live outside of the care system to make place for people who need it more urgent than I.

(I now one person cant change the staff shortage in the care system but I think people who read this will understand the principle of my thoughts.) That way of thinking made me really proud of myself because in March I was still really scared of getting my official care needs categorisation set down in summer (which will definitely happen but now it’s good for me.) and it made me happy when the boss of my former care home told my mom that he thinks my official care needs will much more likely get set higher because of the care I thought I would need at this point. I thought this way because my thoughts were so fixated on being disabled and in need of care due to restricted thinking.

Some thoughts I have because of my development

Due to my good development and my significant decrease of careneeds I worry more about my base limitations. I mean limitations that can not change which is basically my eye nystagmus and in some kind also the fact that I’m a transboy. I’m mildly visual impaired due to a condition called eye nystagmus. The condition let’s my eyes wiggle 24/7 uncontrollably. I have 30% vision because of it. I’m not allowed to make a drivers license because of my sight. This let’s me worry in some way but I try to think it will be okay. I can use public transportation, or at least I know I can learn it and will learn it at some point, and I’m allowed to drive a bike and also an e-bike. I’m worrying about being trans because I’m scared that I won’t get accepted by strangers as a man. I currently can’t access gender affirming care due to my mom, who is my legal guardian. I also don’t have much dysphoria, but I worry more and have a bit more dysphoria in the last time because bigger problems are out of my life, but I hope it will be good later in life. I try to think it's not important what strangers think I definitely will have friends who accept me. Using public toilets is the point which lets me worry the most.

I want to add a thing to the title of the post. I know autism can’t go away, but I mean, it feels like I wouldn’t have autism in comparison. I mean the comparison to living like L-MSN to M-MSN people and now having L-LSN to M-LSN but I also now my life is still far away from normal because I live at a group home and I don’t work a normal job. I’m at a day centre and only 4 days a week for 4 hours a day.