WIG REVIEW: THE TENDER BAR
Another year, another Oscar-bait memoir of the damned. If you wished Hillbilly Elegy could just swap the south for the north, drugs for alcohol, and Glenn Close for Christopher Lloyd then I guess this movie is for you? EXCEPT Glenn almost won an Oscar for her portrayal of Mamaw (still 0 for 8!) and Sir Lloyd has NEVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR YES NOT EVEN FOR WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT! Regardless, both films are absolute TRASH and I watched them so you never ever have to. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.
This is a true and incredibly boring story of a kid who spent most of his formative years in his uncle’s pub. That’s basically the entire movie. He and his single mom live with his grandpa, Christopher Lloyd, who mainly looks like a homeless person but this one time dressed like the dude from Phantasm for some school dad event or something. This wig is the least offensive in the movie and I can’t really say anything negative about Christopher Lloyd and though he should definitely win an Oscar for something, at least he will never have to dance to DA BUTT on live tv.
The young kid in this is wigless and fine and has the most LUCIOUS eyelashes you have ever seen in your life. And then he morphs into....
TYE SHERIDAN?!?! THESE TWO GUYS LOOK NOTHING ALIKE!! My mom seriously wants to write an angry letter to George Clooney complaining that this casting makes no sense. “WHERE DID HIS EYELASHES GO?!?!” was a phrase she uttered MORE THAN ONCE. AND SHE’S NOT WRONG.
WRONGER STILL? Tye is clearly the victim of any wigmaster’s most devious plot: THE RESHOOT WIG. His hair goes from wavy wigless to blown-out 80s straight as haphazardly as this move, well, tries to do anything!
WHAT IS THIS WIG?! What is this movie??? The entire second two thirds of it is about him entering into a Emilio Estevez in St. Elmo’s Fire obsession with an ivy league classmate that spans decades in this movie and also decades of my own brain capacity watching this movie.
Also! Most of this movie is supposedly set in Long Island but because Ben Affleck is involved IT’S SET IN BOSTON. Ben Affleck was really set up for an Oscar campaign that didn’t materialize (don’t worry - he still has 2 Oscars for not acting!) Throughout the decades he goes from this retro blowout wig which is honestly fine to his real hair.
THIS COULD LITERALLY BE A STILL FROM ANY BEN AFFLECK MOVIE OR HIS REAL LIFE.
In a parallel timeline/universe, Lily Rabe plays the mom who sports her same long (real) hair for most of the movie and ages not one bit and then in the final 10 minutes....
....is in the cast of Working Girl?!?!?! NO!!!
Truly and from the bottom of my heart: this entire film is a complete waste of time and isn’t as unintentionally funny as Hillbilly Elegy. Please do NOT WATCH IT. AND PLEASE NEVER INCUR THE WRATH OF A RESHOOT WIG (OR MY MOM’S CASTING ISSUES!)
VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ
