Jun 3, 2024
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Expectations are just premeditated resentments
Katya Zamolodchikova, UNHhhh Ep. 152
I’m so sick and tired of seeing the ones who have stolen pieces of my heart, my soul, my inner peace seemingly going on with their picturesque life.
As if they are not effected by the cruel and unusual events that transpired at their leisure.
As if we were not once bonded so tightly that I called you a lifer. A lifelong friend who becomes family.
Why? Why did this happen? Why the FUCK are you okay with it?! Why are those who ‘serve and protect’ only protecting the monsters?
What’s the balance? What’s the bigger picture? Because all I see is black and red. Rage and darkness. It’s hard not to let it consume me and come for you as you let him come for me.
May God be with me and have mercy on my soul.
How long have you held on to a resentment? This last month I found a resentment that is 36 years held. It’s still so strong, it still holds so much emotion.
I’m angry over something someone didn’t do. A promise not kept. Something that was part of my lifetime dream, that I can’t ever have. Why can’t I have it? Because I chose a different path. I chose a better path. My life is better now and I know it. But why? Why am I still holding on so tight to this? I wouldn’t trade my life for that missed opportunity if it came with a zillion dollars.
But here I am holding on to this hurt, all this anger, and I can’t escape it. I’ve tried to let it go. Tell myself that it doesn’t matter. Because it just doesn’t.
As I keep trying to let this go, I keep coming back to “but damn it I deserved that!” It’s like I felt this unkept promise was payment for all the BS that the promise maker put me through. Well, let’s call it was it really was, not BS, abuse, old fashioned emotional abuse.
So, I told my ‘new’ therapist about it. They pointed out quite quickly that this resentment isn’t resentment, it’s the result of trauma, 36 year old trauma that I’ve been told over and over to just let go. So I guess another session of EMDR is necessary. At least at this point I know it works.
Remember, if the steps don’t work for something there are other resources. You can get better.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Resentment is like drinking a poison then waiting for the other person to die
from me
Irritation, long harbored, still festered occasionally into murder.
Michael Cunningham, from A Wild Swan
RESENTMENTS AND SELF-LOVE
We need to get honest with ourselves about the causes of our "lesser emotions" and how they poison our souls. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. We must forgive God and forgive ourselves. By forgiving ourselves we're taking away the rejection left by resentments. Once we've accepted we aren't beyond redemption, self-love can take hold. Then we naturally forgive others by realizing we love ourselves enough to let go of injustice. Letting go of our own burdens frees us to be filled with compassion for ourselves and others as well. By removing the boards from our own eyes we can see clearly to remove the speck from our brothers and sisters eyes.