#repeated

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Our relationship has been really good. We love each other, get along well, and have never fought because we communicate well.

From the time we were considering getting together, I told him about a boundary that I have: I don’t like my partner watching porn or looking at sexual pictures of other people.

(Yes I understand looking at porn is common, it’s just a touchy thing for me and I’m not a fan.)

He said he understood and that it wasn’t an issue for him. He gave me some things he needed from a partner in a relationship, and I worked my ass off to get to those things.

During our first year together, I found out he was following, liking, and saving sexual posts of other women. I reminded him about the boundary and told him it hurt. He apologized, unfollowed them, and told me he stopped. I wanted to believe him, so I chalked it up to me just being insecure and in my head. He has reassured me every time that I’ve felt off. So after finding that out, I went back to him.

I caught him doing it again on accident, and asked him about it. He denied it. So I thought I was just being crazy, and ended up apologizing to him for overthinking. (Realizing now that sounds crazy.)

Fast forward to this New Year’s. He invited me over and we had a really good time. While we were sitting together, he opened his phone and I saw some pictures. I didn’t say anything right then because I didn’t want to ruin the time we were having.

On the car ride back, I brought it up gently and said I thought I saw something. He denied it. (This is going to sound absolutely silly, but it’s a thing in our relationship.) He pinky promised there was nothing there and that he hadn’t been doing that.

I told him I felt like I was going crazy because I was sure I saw it, and I asked if I could check his pictures (something I have never done before or even wanted to do.) He was reassuring me and told me I could look if I wanted. I almost didn’t check because that’s just not something I like doing. It feels like an invasion of privacy. However, I had this nagging feeling.

I regret to inform you all that I gave in and checked.

It was exactly where I saw it. I handed him his phone and showed him, and he just went silent and turned off his phone.

He made me question my own reality, and lied to my face while promising he wasn’t doing it.

He’s lied to me about this before, so I asked him if that meant he had still been doing it and lying to me. He said yes. He apologized and told me he would give me time to process. I’m at a loss, I’ve given him so many chances.

Should I just suck it up, and be thankful he’s not cheating?

Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (100% confidence)

Top comment: “NOR - lying is intollerable, because he's never just lying. He's lying for purpose. He's lying to desensitize you to further and worse lying, to do worse things. Only stay with a partner you can trust. If there's no trust you can't have a relationship with them.”

Notable explanation: “NOR, he repeatedly lied about his actions to hide that he crossed your "I don't want you to watch porn etc" preference. He showed very clearly that you can't trust him. Do you think he'll be able to grow up and communicate clearly and honestly? If not, you should probably leave him. That being said "I don't like when my partner watches porn" is not a boundary. A boundary is a promise to yourself about what you can and can't accept. It needs a clear consequence, because it's about YOU. It's a statement about what you'll do when you partner takes certain actions, such as "I don't want a partner who watches porn, so if my partner does that, I will leave him". And then you need to follow through if you want to respect your own boundary. For all of this, it's not important if your boundaries are realistic or not in the real world. That's a decision you can work out for yourself. It's possible to put some work into expanding boundaries if you find it hard to find a partner that can work within your current ones.”

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