#renfrew

taken by me

Renfrew, Scotland

I totally forgot I had these in my drafts. I was going to add another one between Mer and Fane and have it be like.. how the three of them interact with Mer/ her brand but I never ended up finishing the one with Fane. Oops

The Drowned Woods - Emily Lloyd-Jones

Rating: 3/5 stars

Once upon a time, the kingdoms of Wales were rife with magic and conflict - and eighteen-year-old Mererid, or Mer, is well acquainted with both. As the last living water diviner, she can manipulate water with magic, and it’s a skill many would kill to possess. 

For years, Mer has been running from the prince who bound her into his service and forced her to kill hundreds with her magic. Now all Mer desires is a safe, quiet life far from power and politics. But that peace is disrupted when Mer’s old handler returns with a proposition: use her abilities to bring down the very prince who abused them both.

With a motley crew of allies–including a fae-cursed young man, the lady of thieves, and a corgi that may or may not be a spy–Mer must decide whether to run for the rest of her life or stand and fight for the true freedom she’s long desired.

Part heist novel, part dark fairy tale, this immersive and ethereal fantasy from acclaimed author Emily Lloyd-Jones will enchant readers until the very last page.

I think I miss it? I honestly can’t remember how I felt while I was there because I’m always looking at it with rose-tinted glasses. This is the decision that lead to me recovering from my eating disorder, this got me so many friends who understood and were kind and I still talk to.

But also my first friend was made because I was crying in the livingroom and debating on if I should just puke into my blanket. But then again, the girls talked me through my first night there and I felt seen and I felt loved. 

I don’t know if there was a day spent there that I didn’t cry.

I thought I wouldn’t miss my family. My mom had been unintentionally making things worse by trying to help me and then getting frustrated when it didn’t work. But I ended up calling home every night and crying if no one picked up.

I thought I was going to be the perfect patient. I kind of was. I finished all my meals and snacks, participated in groups, was very open with my therapist and she liked me a lot. But that made the failures hurt even more. I wasn’t gaining weight fast enough for them, and if I ever went down a pound from the day before I had to take a supplement. It wasn’t a punishment, but it felt like one. I had to read out a contract because I confessed to purging while there - contracts also “aren’t punishments” but all the girls there agreed that the public humiliation and a loss of privileges made it one - and from that point on I lied to my therapist about that.

I hated Gatorade for a few months after coming home, would cringe at the mention of it. All I could think about was getting up at 4 am for vitals only to be told I’m orthostatic for the 2nd day, 9th day, 2nd week, etc etc in a row and that I had to sit outside the nurse’s station in my gown and drink a Gatorade to help.

Meeting older women there shocked me. I knew that eating disorders aren’t a teen girl problem, but I still had never actually met an adult with one (who openly talked about it, at least) until I was there. I met one woman who got into drugs while trying to recover from bulimia, and got back into a binge/purge cycle while recovering from her addiction. It made me feel a little hopeless, like my life would always be like that, but also more determined. I didn’t want my life to be like that. 

When I got back home, it’s like nothing had changed. Well, no, I was eating far more than I had the month before going away. I was eating too much and purging multiple times a day again and it was awful. I was angry, I thought that was a waste of time and money. My therapist at home wanted me to go back but I said NO I cannot miss more school and spend more of my parent’s money to fix something that will never change.

I think I just needed an adjustment period, though. Eventually it did get better. I went from using ed behaviors daily to once a week to a couple times a month and now I never do. I fear a relapse but I’m okay right now. I’m okay.

I remember Renfrew very fondly. Of course there are names and faces that make me think of there, as well as songs and foods and words and practices. 

I’m slowly getting into a position where I can pay off my medical debt from when I started recovery 3 years ago (health is expensive) and it just had me thinking to where I was when I checked into Renfrew Florida in 2017.

I was for all intents and purposes a disaster. Fired from a job that I loved not because my customers hated me (they loved me) but because I was so malnourished I could no longer get my equipment in and out of the tour truck safely. I was sleeping with an ex who didn’t respect me at all while lowkey flirting with the person I’m currently engaged to (a relationship that is actually functional and healthy). I sat in the Team Center with my welcome binder and my name tag around my neck— I was on green badge bc of my bulimia—completely overwhelmed. I had chosen their Florida location bc one of my dads was dying and I didn’t want him to know I was unwell and my other dad and I would get into screaming fights over food so as a result I didn’t want him to be able to visit me at the Philly location which was closer to home.

I wasn’t sure if I could recover. I had done inpatient treatment at a different center 2 years previous and i relapsed immediately upon discharge. I had been told that I was “chronic” and it was likely I wouldn’t get better.

And now, three years later, I eat food without thinking about compensation or calories or weight gain. I’m in a healthy, happy relationship with the love of my life. I recently went back to school for a grad program. I have had slips and relapses during these past 3 years, but I’ve been bulimia free for a year now as of last month. I am receiving appropriate treatment for my ocd and am getting care for my complex trauma. I’m planning my wedding. I’m blessed with really lovely friends, and before Covid was fairly social at my shul. My friends I met at Frew and I still talk and when we can, visit each other. A couple are gonna be my bridesmaids.