—

Bruce, half awake in a sitting room: Please, stop.

Jason, trying to suffocate Tim with a pillow: GIVE ME THE REMOTE!

Tim: *Muffled swears*

Damian, helping Jason: WE WANT TO WATCH MEAN GIRLS!

Cass, tackling Jason from behind: OFF OUR BROTHER!

Dick: Guys please, the doctor said we had to keep Tim's blood pressure down!

Duke: Man, we need to keep all our blood pressure down, he ain't special.

Bruce: Please, don't kill your brother.

Stephanie: Guys, he stopped fighting.

Dick: OH MY GODS YOU KILLED TIM!?

Damian: Oh no.

Cass, kneeing Jason in the stomach and grinning as he falls to the ground:

Duke: Nah, I think he just passed out.

Bruce: If any of you are dead I'm going to enter a depressive episode that will result in one of you becoming Batman by the end of it.

Dick: OH MY GOD TIM COME BACK TO LIFE I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!

Damian: DRAKE!?

Cass: I will find a Lazarus pit.

Jason: Nah, I'll just call Talia.

Duke: Y'all, he's breathin', I think he just fell asleep.

Stephanie, checking his pulse:

Stephanie: Yeah, he did. Classic Tim.

Bruce, under his breath: Thank god, I like that one.

—

Tim: Bruce, I have to tell you something.

Bruce: Yes, Tim?

Tim: . . . I'm bi.

Bruce: . . . Didn't you already come out to me?

Tim: Wait, what!? No!

Bruce: . . . No, no you did, you were... The ginger. The ginger one with arrows.

Tim: That was Dick, B.

Bruce: No, Dick wasn't a ginger, Jason was before the hair dye—

Tim: Different timeline, also that was Dick and Roy!

Bruce: Didn't Jason date Roy?

Tim: Bruce. Jason dated Roy, Dick dated Roy, they both dated Roy

Bruce: Oh, oh! Yes, of course... Wait, no, Dick was with the alien.

Tim: Kori and Dick broke up, Bruce.

Bruce: No, he was with the— the kryptonian.

Tim: Bruce, that's you.

Bruce: No, no, Connor.

Tim: Nobody in this family has ever dated Kon, and he's my friend!

Bruce:

Bruce: You aren't dating Connor? Oh, yes, you are with... Stephanie.

Tim: She and I broke up, she's with Cass now, I'm dating Bernard!

Bruce: The... Speedster?

Tim: Oh my god, Bruce, this isn't complicated... Bart is the speedster, Bernard is a human, regular human, not a vigilante or anything, and he's my old high school friend. We are dating now.

Bruce: Oh, yes. Okay. Sorry, I haven't updated the chart since Jason...

Tim: You had a chart to keep track of your kids dating history? When you had two kids!?

Bruce: Dick was complicated, and Jason dated a girl named Rena.

Tim: Again, different timeline, Bruce, they got back together in this one though (because op said so.)

Bruce:

Bruce: What?

Tim: Rena and Jason are dating but Jason also occasionally dates Roy at the same time, Dick is gonna get back together with Kori eventually, we're just waiting for the writers to get their sh&# together, I'm with Bernard, Stephanie and Cass are dating, this isn't a complicated thing, at all.

Bruce:

Bruce: I need to update my charts.

—

TV show host: So, can you introduce your kids for us?

Bruce:

Bruce: Yes, uh, of course.

Bruce, pointing to Dick: My eldest, Richard Grayson.

Bruce, pointing to Tim: My second, Jason— wait, no, he's dead. That one died.

Tim: Please never mistake me for Jason again, I just had several flashbacks.

Bruce: Yes, sorry, no, this is my third son, Tim.

Bruce, pointing to Cass: My daughter, Cassandra, she likes art—

Cass: No, ballet.

Bruce: What? No, Tim likes ballet.

Tim: I hate being the middle child so much.

Damian: Technically Cain is the middle.

Cass: No, Tim likes skateboards and dungeons and dragons.

Bruce: Okay, haha, sorry. So, uh, my youngest...

Damian:

Bruce: That I...

Damian:

Bruce: Adopted..?

Damian: WHAT!?

Bruce: Wait, no, Jason was Talia's, so—

Damian: HE WAS FOUND NEAR A DUMPSTER!

Bruce: Oh, then Tim—

Tim: SERIOUSLY!?

Dick: Bruce this is actually concerning.

Bruce: One of you I made! Cass!?

Cass, visibly concerned: Really?

Bruce: Okay, so, uh...

TV host: Should... Do you need a moment?

Bruce: No, no, I have five children— wait, no, six. Wait, did I adopt Duke?

Dick: No, he lives with his Mom again, she got better, but you didn't even adopt me so why's it matter?

Bruce:

Bruce: I FORGOT TO ADOPT YOU!?

Dick: WHAT DO YOU MEAN FORGOT!?

Tim: I hate this family...

Cass, patting his back:

Damian: At least he remembered your names!

Jason, laughing from his apartment:

—

Tim and Cass sitting at the bat computer:

Bruce, walking over to press a kiss to Cass' hair:

Tim: ???

Bruce, walking over to Cass, patting her shoulder: Good work, son. Get to bed soon.

Cass: . . ?

Bruce, walking away:

Tim: Did he..?

Cass: Again. Yes.

—

Bruce, to Alfred: Alfred, please, I need help with Christmas again.

Alfred: Master Bruce, you have itemized lists of each villain, you can recall them all and memorize all their weaknesses and lives. You cannot do the same for your own children?

Bruce: Please, Alfred, don't make me feel bad. One of them asked for an explosive and I don't know which!?

Alfred: That could very well be several of them...

—

Bruce, walking into the kitchen where all the kids are sitting: Alright, come on Tim, time for patrol.

Tim: Why aren't you going with Robin?

Bruce: You are Robin?

Damian: Father, I am Robin.

Bruce: Why'd I do that?

Damian: What do you mean WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?

Dick: I did that, actually.

Bruce: Why? What did Tim do?

Damian: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?

Bruce: Nothing, nothing, I just... Tim was Robin, last I checked.

Jason: Bruce, what's the order of your Robin's?

Bruce:

Bruce: It... Okay, Dick,

Dick: Yes..?

Bruce: Then... Stephanie.

Jason: Wow.

Bruce: What!? She died! Two of you died and came back!

Damian: I also died.

Bruce: What? No, you came after Stephanie.

Damian: Yes.

Bruce: Alright, so, Dick, Stephanie—

Jason: REALLY!? I did not die in your arms for this. I wish I died in someone's else's arms. F-#% you.

Bruce: No, no! I'm sorry, you're right, Dick, Jason... Then... Alright, Stephanie and Damian came somewhere, obviously, but Tim is my Robin now! Right?!

Tim: Bruce, Alfred and Dick gave Robin to Damian after you got lost in the time stream.

Bruce:

Bruce: Oh. Uh. Okay... Damian, time for patrol—

Damian: No, I'm going with Richard tonight. You may have DRAKE!

Bruce: No, I'm sorry, son, please.

Damian, storming out:

Bruce, chasing after him: Please, I have had so many of you! And so many hits to the head!

Tim: How come he only ever remembers Dick's stuff?

Jason: Favouritism.

Dick: I fell on his head a lot as a kid. I also used to whisper in his ear as a kid when he slept that I would be the only child he'd ever have and love, so...

Tim:

Jason: And I'm remembered as the bad kid???

—

Bruce: You're grounded.

Barbara: ??? I'm not your kid, Bruce.

Bruce: What?

Barbara: Really? No, I'm not dealing with this, get a neurologist, Bruce.

Bruce: It's not a problem!

—

Bruce, on the phone: Hey, Jay, lad! Are you coming to the gala this weekend?

Jason: ??? I'm dead.

Bruce: What?!

Jason: No! I am legally dead, Bruce!

Bruce: Oh thank god, I thought I was hallucinating again...

Jason: Huh?

Bruce: Nothing, nothing... Wait, why haven't I brought you back to legally alive?

Jason: Hell if I know.

Bruce:

Bruce: Will you come to the gala if—

Jason, hanging up:

—

Bernard:

Bruce:

Bernard:

Bruce: Stephanie, when did you become transgender???

Bernard, trying not to laugh:

Tim: This is why I didn't want you two to meet.

—

Bruce, on the phone: DUKE THOMAS WHY AREN'T YOU HOME!?

Duke: ??? I am.

Bruce: Where?! I checked the entire manor!

Duke: I don't live with you???

Bruce: Oh my god did I fire you???

Duke: What? No? I live with my Mom?

Bruce: . . . She's alive?

Duke: B, that's... All the other kids minus Cass and Damian.

Bruce: Oh...

Duke: Get help, man.

—

Tim, eating cereal at two in the morning:

Bruce, stepping inside the dark room, blinking slowly:

Bruce: Oh, Jason—

Tim: I am so done.

Jayrena but it’s Crush by Ethel Cain

But imagine his civilian friends like rena or numbers. THEY WOULD KILL HIM. LIKE ACTUALLY BEAT HIM TO DEATH

I have no clue how they would find out, but I just thought of that