#relearning

a/n - i would've made this a GN reader but idk the first bits kinda based on my old ballet studio on the things that went on were very much directed towards the girls (though there was only 3 lads) idk. I just felt it kinda fit the situation i wanted more i guess. my thought process makes literally no sense

You remember the first time clearly.

You were four. Maybe five. Small, sweaty, and exhausted after three straight hours of ballet practice.

You remember how the boys were dismissed first—told to go home, to rest, to enjoy their two weeks off.

And you remember being told to stay.

Confusion, at first. Quiet and uncertain as you and the other girls stood there, shifting on aching feet while they laughed and grabbed their bags.

“Go home,” the instructor had told them lightly. “Relax. Eat what you want.”

Then she turned back to you.

Her voice changed. “You’ll be coming in over the break,” she said sharply. “Extra sessions. You need it.”

You hadn’t understood. Not properly.

Not until she started talking about weight. About discipline. About how all of you were getting too big.

You remember blinking back tears, nodding like you understood, even when you didn’t.

You remember running to your mom in the car after, words tumbling over each other as you tried to explain and how she laughed it off. Told you not to make things up.

You remember hands forcing your body down into splits you weren’t ready for. The pressure. The sharp, tearing pain in your thigh that made your breath hitch, and being told to stop overreacting.

You remember pointe shoes at seven. Too early. You know that now.

You remember the way they cracked as you were taught to break them in. The way your feet bled through ribbons and padding that never quite helped. You remember thinking that was normal.

By the fifth, maybe sixth time the boys were dismissed first, you were thirteen. You knew what was coming. The 'you need to eat less, I can see your lunch.' The 'you need to train harder. People will get ahead of you.'

You knew you weren't fat. At least, that's what you told yourself. But there's only so many times you can be told something before you start to believe it.

Before you start looking at yourself in the mirror and scrutinising every little thing about yourself. Before you're training more than you're eating.

You remember the day it clicked. The day when you truly looked around that studio room and noticed all the toxicity.

The shelves full of trophies, medals and ribbons that the coach would keep at the studio, just to prove a point. The 'student of the week' corkboard . The various posters about ideal weight, calorie consumption. The mirrors that covered three full walls, each harsh correction bouncing off places where you could never escape it.

You couldn't even escape yourself.

You took in the “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” poster in the changing rooms. The “push through it,” hanging above the legally required first aid box. The “beauty is pain” pasted inside each bathroom cubicle door. The handwritten reminders on each wall about corrections, clean eating, constant practise, proper outfitting.

Now, as you walk into this new building, everything feels different. The way children's laughter echoes off the wall instead of sharp corrections. How the place feels lighter, under warm bulbs instead of the harsh, inspection lighting you were used to.

You hesitate just inside the reception room, scribbling your name across the sheet to say you'd arrived.

It's quiet. Not silent. There's laughter, typical ballet music playing. But there's no shouting, no sharp claps, no harsh corrections by strong voices and stronger hands. Nothing cutting through the air, tearing a girl down.

Your grip tightens slightly on your dance bag, everything you could possibly need stuffed inside.

You step further inside and into the changing rooms, dumping your bag onto one of the benches. The first thing you notice is the lack of mirrors around the changing area. Nowhere for you to look at yourself and think that you can see your lunch, or that you have bingo wings, elephant legs.

Then, the lack of posters, the lack of little notes. Notning reminding you aggressively about corrections, or clean eating or calorie intake. Just a single poster pasted neatly on one wall showing each position, from first to fifth.

No pictures of "ideal" ballet dancers who were mostly skin and bones, with little notes under from children aged as young as four. Little crayon scribbles on the wall with something close to "aspiring to be her" next to neater whiteboard markers saying “She is what we need to be” repeated like a mantra.

You slip the size-too-small leotard over your tights, the feeling of compression against your ribs and tummy all too familiar. You slip on each piece of foot protection before sliding the slightly red-stained pointe shoes over everything, ribbons wrapped tight up your ankle.

You prop your phone camera up against the wall, checking your lines and appearance before using it to throw your hair up into a slick-back bun.

You enter the studio, ready to begin warm-up in preparation for your first private at Natasha Romanoff's ballet studio.

The first thing you notice here, too, is the walls. Just a single wall of mirrors, a set of curtains at either end to cover them.

You glance around again, checking for the typical posters about eating and calories and dancer of the week, only to find a small whiteboard with little Polaroid pictures stuck there, with a name and an achievement underneath.

“Milly age 5, held balance for 10 seconds”

Your eyes linger on the board a little too long.

Five years old. Ten seconds. That’s all it took to be worth something here. Your throat tightens slightly.

That wouldn’t have been enough. Not where you came from.

“Ellie, age 12, achieved her grand jete”

“Skyla age 2, can touch her toes”

Your eyes almost prick a little at the thought of these little achievements being celebrated like something big.

You drop your water bottle in the corner, beginning the typical stretches as usual. Your gaze was fixed on the half covered mirror, making sure everything was perfect.

The studio feels too open.

Too quiet, eyes flicking once more to the mirrors—just the one wall, curtains half-drawn across it like they don’t matter much.

You move anyway.

Habit.

Stretching first. Ankles, calves, hamstrings. Slow, methodical. The same routine drilled into you for years.

No one corrects you. No one watches. It feels… wrong.

You shift into your warm-up at the barre, hands resting lightly against it as you begin.

First position. Demi plié. Grand plié.

You wait.

For the correction. For the voice. Nothing comes.

Your movements sharpen slightly, more precise, more controlled. You straighten your back a little more than necessary, pull your stomach in tighter, lift your chin just a bit higher.

Still nothing. A flicker of irritation sparks under your ribs.

Are they even watching?

You move into tendus. Again. Again. Again.

Your foot brushes out, closes, brushes out, closes—faster now. Cleaner. Perfect. It has to be perfect.

“Stop.”

Your foot freezes mid-movement.

Your stomach drops instantly, like you’ve been caught doing something wrong.

You turn. She’s there. You hadn’t heard her come in.

Leaning lightly against the wall, arms folded—not tense, not relaxed either. Just… still. Watching.

Heat crawls up your neck. “Sorry,” you say quickly, stepping back into position. “I can fix it—”

“I didn’t say it was wrong.”

You pause. That… doesn’t make sense.

You hesitate. “Then… why did you—”

“You’re rushing.”

Her voice isn’t sharp. Not raised. Just certain. Your fingers tighten slightly against the barre. “I was just trying to—”

“Be perfect?”

The words land before you can stop them. Your mouth closes. Silence stretches.

You swallow. “I just wanted to get it right.”

Natasha tilts her head slightly, studying you in a way that feels too precise to be comfortable.

“You don’t get it right by forcing it,” she says. “You get it right by understanding it.”

That… also doesn’t make sense.

You frown slightly. “I do understand it.”

“Show me.”

Your spine straightens automatically. You reset your position, slower this time. Controlled. Careful.

First position.

You move through the plié again, deliberately this time. Every inch measured. Every movement watched—even without the mirrors, you feel where you should be.

You rise. Hold. Lower. Silence. Too much silence.

You glance up, just for a second. She’s still watching. Not judging. Not picking you apart. Just… watching.

It throws you off more than anything else. Your next movement stutters slightly. You catch it immediately, correcting—

“Stop.”

Again. Your jaw tightens. “I—”

“You’re thinking too much.”

A quiet exhale leaves you, sharper than you meant it to be. “I’m supposed to think about it.”

“No,” Natasha says. “You’re supposed to feel it.”

You stare at her. “That doesn’t help.”

For a second, you think you’ve crossed a line. But she doesn’t snap. Doesn’t correct your tone.

If anything, something almost like understanding flickers across her expression. “Come here.”

You hesitate. Then step away from the barre.

She moves closer—not invading, but close enough that you can feel the shift in space. “Again,” she says.

You move. Slower.

Your body already braced for correction, for hands forcing you into place—

But they don’t come.

“Where’s your weight?” she asks instead.

You blink. “Centered.”

“Is it?”

You falter slightly, attention shifting inward. Your balance wavers—just a fraction. You correct it. “…No,” you admit quietly.

“Good.”

The word hits strangely. Good?

“You felt it,” she continues. “That’s what matters.”

You don’t respond. You’re not used to that being enough. “Again.”

You try.

This time, when you move, you pay attention differently. Not to how it looks. Not to how it should be. But to how it feels.

Your foot presses into the floor. Your weight shifts—cleaner this time. Your shoulders relax without you forcing them down. It’s… easier.

Your breath steadies slightly as you finish the movement. You wait. For the criticism.For the “again.”

Instead, “Better.”

You blink. That’s it?

Your hands lower slowly from their position. “…That was enough?”

Natasha watches you for a second. Then, “For now.”

Your chest tightens slightly at that. For now. Not never. Not wrong. Just… enough.

You look away, trying to ignore the unfamiliar feeling settling somewhere in your chest. You don’t know what to do with it.

“Take a break,” she says.

The words hit harder than anything else so far. You look back at her immediately. “I don’t need one.”

“I didn’t ask.”

Your fingers curl slightly at your sides. “I’m fine.”

“I know you think you are.”

That almost sounds like something else. You hesitate. “I can keep going.”

“I know,” Natasha says quietly. A pause. Then, “But you’re not going to.”

Silence settles between you. Not heavy. Not suffocating.

Just… there. You don’t move at first. Then, slowly, you step back from the barre.

Your body still feels like it should keep going. Like stopping is wrong. Like you’re wasting time.

But you don’t argue again.

You just… stop. And somehow, That feels harder than anything else you’ve done today.

________________________________________

The studio is empty when you slip back in.

The lights are dimmer this time. Only a few left on, casting soft shadows across the floor instead of the bright, unforgiving glare from earlier.

It feels better like this. Quieter. Safer. You shouldn’t be here. You know that.

But your feet move anyway, carrying you back into the studio like it’s instinct. Like stopping earlier didn’t sit right in your chest.

Like something still needs fixing. Your bag drops to the floor with a soft thud.

You don’t bother with music this time. You don’t need it. You step into position. First. Breathe. Move. Again.

You don’t keep count. You don’t need to.

Your body keeps track for you—each repetition blending into the next until it stops feeling like separate movements and more like one long attempt at getting it right.

It’s still not right. Your landing’s slightly off. Your balance shifts too early. Your arms don’t feel—

Again.

Your stomach twists faintly. Not pain. Just… empty. You ignore it..You’ve danced through worse.

Again. Your shoe rubs. Sharp. Familiar. You ignore that too. Again.

Your ankle twists slightly on the landing. Not enough to stop. Just enough to notice. You adjust. Try again. Again.

You don’t hear the door open.

“You’re going to make it worse.”

Your body locks mid-step. Your breath stutters. Slowly—too slowly—you turn.

Natasha stands in the doorway. Not surprised. Not angry. Just… there. Watching. Your stomach drops.

“I was just—” your voice comes out thinner than you meant it to. You clear your throat. “I just needed to fix it.”

Silence.

Her gaze flicks once—down, quick. Your feet. Then your hands. Then—briefly—your face. “How long?”

You hesitate. “…Not long.”

She doesn’t call you out. Doesn’t need to.

Her eyes shift slightly to the clock on the wall behind you. You don’t turn to look at it. You already know what it says.

“Try again,” she says.

You blink. “What?”

“You said you needed to fix it.” A small tilt of her head. “So fix it.”

You move. Your body falls straight back into it, like it never stopped.

Turn. Land. Your ankle wobbles. You force it steady. Your arms tighten to compensate—

“Stop.”

Too late.

You’ve already pushed through the end of it. You straighten, breathing heavier now. A little uneven. You swallow it down.

“What changed?”

You frown slightly. “Nothing.”

“Something did.”

Your jaw tightens. “I just messed it up.”

“No.” Her voice is calm. Certain. “You forced it.”

Your fingers curl slightly at your sides. “I was trying to fix it.”

“And you made it worse.”

The words hit harder than they should. You look away, chest tightening. “I just need more time.”

“That’s not what you need.”

You let out a quiet, frustrated breath. “Then what am I supposed to do? Just leave it wrong?”

“Yes.”

Your head snaps back toward her. “That doesn’t make sense.”

“It doesn’t have to,” Natasha replies. “Not to you. Not yet.”

Her gaze lingers on you a second longer this time. Not your posture. Not your feet. You.

“You eaten?”

The question throws you off more than anything else so far.

“…Yeah,” you answer too quickly.

A pause. She doesn’t react. Doesn’t argue. Just “When?”

Your throat tightens slightly. “I don’t know. Earlier.”

Her head tilts slightly. You can tell she doesn’t believe you. You look away first.

“Come here.”

You hesitate. Then step closer.

She crouches slightly—not touching, just close enough to see properly.

“Your foot,” she says.

You follow her gaze. Only then do you really notice it.

The faint smear of red against the edge of your shoe. The way your weight’s shifted just slightly off it without you realizing.

“…It’s fine,” you say quickly.

“It’s not.”

You shake your head. “It doesn’t hurt that bad.”

“I didn’t ask if it hurt.”

You go quiet. Because that’s not the same thing.

She stands again. “You don’t stop when you should,” she says.

It’s not a question. Your shoulders tense slightly. “That’s how I was taught.”

A pause. Then, quieter “I know.”

You blink. That wasn’t what you expected.

“You think stopping means failing,” she continues. “That if you don’t push through it, you’re falling behind.”

Your throat tightens. You don’t confirm it. You don’t deny it either.

“You’re not,” she says. Then, after a beat— “But you’re not helping yourself either.”

Your stomach twists again. Sharper this time. You don’t know if it’s hunger or something else.

“Go home.”

Your head lifts immediately. “I can still—”

“Go home. Eat something. Rest.” The addition hits harder than the command.

You hesitate. “I’m fine.”

“No,” Natasha says simply. “You’re not.”

Silence. You don’t argue again.

At the door, you pause.

Hand hovering over the handle. “…I wasn’t going to stop,” you admit quietly.

A beat. “I know.”

You leave anyway.

And even as the door closes behind you, Your body still feels like it should be moving. And your stomach... You try not to notice that either.

________________________________________

It happens during class. Not at the start. Not even during anything difficult. Just… halfway through.

“Again,” Natasha says, voice even.

You nod, already moving back into position.

Your body falls into it automatically. Turn. Step. Extend. You land it. Clean.

Not perfect—but clean enough that, a few weeks ago, you would’ve been told to stop there.

You don’t. You reset. Again.

Your ankle protests the second time you land. You feel it—sharp, quick—but you push through it, adjusting before it shows.

Again.

“Stop.”

You freeze instantly. Your chest rises slightly, breath uneven. You straighten, waiting.

“For what?” you ask quietly.

Natasha doesn’t answer straight away. Her gaze is fixed lower this time. Your foot. The way you’re holding it just slightly off. Barely noticeable. Unless you’re looking for it.

“Walk,” she says.

You hesitate. “…It’s fine.”

“Walk.”

There’s no edge to it. No raised voice. But something about it feels… different. You do it anyway.

One step.

Two.

Your weight shifts wrong on the third. Just enough that you catch it. Correct it.

Too late. Natasha’s jaw tightens. “Sit.”

Your stomach drops slightly. “I can keep going.”

“I know you can.”

That stops you. “…Then why—”

“Sit.”

This time, there’s no space to argue. You move.

Slowly, lowering yourself onto the floor again. Your hands rest against your legs, fingers curling slightly into the fabric.

Waiting.

Natasha steps closer, crouching just enough to see properly. Her movements are controlled. Careful. But there’s something underneath it now. Something tighter.

“Take it off.”

You shake your head immediately. “It’s not bleeding this time.”

Her eyes flick up to yours. Not surprised. Not confused. Just… done.

“I didn’t ask if it was bleeding.”

Silence.

Your hands move anyway. Ribbons loosened. Shoe pulled off. You don’t look down. You don’t need to. Natasha does. And this time, she doesn’t hide it. The sharp inhale. The way her shoulders stiffen just slightly.That’s new.

“I said I’ve danced on worse,” you mutter, quieter now.

That automatic defence again. That same line.

Her head tilts slightly. “That’s not something to be proud of.”

You don’t answer. Because it’s not pride. It’s just… how it is. A pause. Then, “Stand up.”

You blink. “What?”

“Stand up.”

Confusion flickers across your face, but you push yourself up anyway, balancing more carefully this time.

Natasha stands too. And for the first time since you met her she looks… angry. Not loud. Not explosive. Just controlled. Focused. Sharp.

“Who told you to keep going like this?” she asks.

You freeze. That question again.

You shrug slightly. “It’s just how it works.”

“No,” she says. Firmer this time. “It’s not.”

Your jaw tightens. “It is. If you stop every time something hurts, you fall behind.”

“And if you don’t stop,” Natasha cuts in, “you end up like this.”

Her hand gestures—brief, controlled—toward your foot. You flinch. Not visibly. But enough.

Silence.

“You’re not falling behind,” she continues, quieter now. “You’re running yourself into the ground.”

You shake your head slightly. “I can handle it.”

“I know you think you can.”

That again.

Something in your chest tightens. “I’ve been doing this for years,” you add, a little sharper now. “I know what I’m doing."

Another pause. “That’s the problem.”

The words land heavier than anything else she’s said. You stare at her. She doesn’t look away.

“You’ve been doing it wrong for years,” Natasha says. Not cruel. Not mocking. Just… honest.

Your throat tightens.

“You don’t rest,” she continues. “You don’t stop. You don’t say anything when something’s wrong.” Each word lands steady. Precise. “You just keep pushing until something gives.”

Silence fills the space between you.

You don’t argue this time. Because you can’t. Because she’s not wrong.

Your gaze drops, just slightly.

Natasha exhales slowly. When she speaks again, her voice is calmer—but the edge hasn’t gone.

“You don’t do that here." Your head lifts. “That’s not how this works,” she says. “Not in my studio.”

There’s something final in it. Not a suggestion. Not a correction. A boundary.

You swallow. “…Then how does it work?”

A beat.

“You stop when something’s wrong,” she says. “You say something. You take care of it.”

You hesitate. “And if I don’t?”

Her gaze sharpens slightly. “Then I stop you.”

The words hit harder than they should.

Because she means it. Because for the first time someone actually will. Silence stretches.

Your fingers curl slightly at your sides. Your body still feels like it should be moving. Like you should argue. Push. Prove you can keep going. But you don’t.

“…Okay,” you say quietly. It’s small. Uncertain. But it’s something.

Natasha watches you for a second longer. Then, softer now, “Go sit down. Let me wrap it.”