#relationship reflections

If You Never Hear From Me Again

And yes, I am perfectly aware I am attached, that I have an exceptionally strong moral compass but when I look back at this last year and the way I've been treated by people I am low-key horrified that rather than face dealing with what has been said or done or acknowledge the actual truth, they've just gone about their business, rushing around to different relationships to almost try and forget.

It got me to thinking how I just seem to attract emotionally stunted/unavailable men (and I do include my husband in that) and I find that quite sad when I reflect on it. I don't know why finding someone who can actually just say how they feel about me (without being forced to) is so difficult. Is it a fear of consequence? If you say it out loud, does that make it real and you have to deal with it? Am I just not the person to deserve it? Am I too much? Do people think I should just know and they don't need to tell me?

I want to be told at least once in my life, passionately, how much I mean to someone. No fear of consequence, just tell me (and we'll deal with the consequences later, if there are any).

I have no idea why I keep coming across things at the minute which are triggering strong thoughts and reactions in me. It's like I need to be reminded of who I am if that makes sense, what I want and what I need.

1.  For example, the idea that having affection for someone on the basis of their person should outweigh one’s attraction for their appearance.  But why is that so hard to apply in real life?  It’s upsetting to think that these things keep many of us from really establishing romantic bonds that could flourish into something beautiful, meaningful, and lasting.  I am almost a little upset with myself for not fully being able to detach myself from appearances.  But alas, I guess ultimately we all strive to find someone with both a beautiful personality and appearance.  

As second nature as many people may claim this piece of knowledge to be, I actually feel proud of realizing this not too long ago (on a deeper level): that beautiful women exist by the dozen; there’ll always be someone you find attractive. But finding someone who just clicks with you is so much more difficult.  Although I’ve understood this intellectually all my life (from parents and as cliché lessons in movies), something about it just “clicked” and made me understand this on a gut level--on a level that makes you go “a-ha!”.

I can’t help but wonder what this world would be if we could just fall in love with people on the basis of their personality...  But oh well...  My guess is that sexual selection as a mechanism of nature never fully escapes the reality of the human experience, even if part of us is against it.