#realistic expectations

Source: Tisheila Trauma Therapist

" ' What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger' is not always true."

This is why I have no issues understanding Carmy (and Donna and even Michael) and even looking at them with a certain compassion most of the fandom prefers to reserve only for other characters, because they deem them underserving of it.

I've seen time and time again what trauma does to ppl and how it completely destroys their lives and the lives of all of those around them.

And I see how Carmy also went down that path at some point, but in seasons 2 and 4, meaning intermittently, has been able to start turning things around. And I'm rooting for him. This is exactly how it goes in real life. Except that IRL the happy ending I expect to get on the show, is not always a possibility. Just like Tisheila says, not everyone is a survivor. And also, who's to say everyone has to be a survivor in the same way? Even if you are, who's to say that surviving trauma looks the same for everyone?

Sometimes surviving trauma is just making sure you don't pass it along to the next generation, which is a lot, but it isn't a synonym of total recovery or of overcoming all the trauma and its effects on yourself, to their full extent.

I see Sydney as Carmy's second chance to do it all differently, and I can see him trying and failing over and over, which is also super realistic. I've talked about it here:

Scale Down, more precisely here: The Bear's legacy.

I've seen trauma being the end of the story so many times! Professionally and personally. But that's exactly why I can recognize, quite easily, those cases in which trauma isn't the last chapter, even in fiction, especially in fiction.

Now, for Carmy and for all the characters involved in the SYSTEM, it's all about new beginnings, second chances, and so on. Basically that's the bottom line of the whole show. On its deepest level, The Bear is actually a show about HOPE, not about TRAUMA. At its core it is about starting over, which is something I think the whole fandom can agree on, or at least I hope we could all be on that same page as far as that goes, regardless of who our favorite character is.

So, in this case, the new family-family, the new Berzattos, the new restaurant, the new life Carmy wants to lead, all of it, it all points in that direction, and that's how I know that no matter how fucked up it all looks like right now, specifically in Carmy's case but not limited to Carmy's case, of course, it's all TRANSITIONAL. It's:

Ofc, in theory, it seems that we all know that the path to recovery isn't lineal but I'm not entirely sure of how most ppl think that recovery looks like. I'm afraid some have rather an idealized image of it, mostly based on their fantasies and projections and not on what, in reality, a recovered person actually looks like or on what we can REALISTICALLY aspire to get from someone as compromised and challenged as Carmy is, even at his best.

Related note: This is what Carmy actually has.

Could it be that instead of idealizing the end result of his healing journey, we are able to accept it as imperfect as it comes?

I have mentioned this on the pod and in my meta on multiple occasions, even on FF when I downright refused to write fluffy Carmy/Sydcarmy because loving someone or falling in love with someone doesn't automatically heal your trauma, of course. As a matter of fact it may be perceived as a trigger or a threat that pokes all your open wounds and even some you believed had already healed. It may re-open some and it may not look pretty at all, at times. It may be messy, and hard, and painful but it's all part of the process.

It's not pretty, it's certainly not easy nor is it quick. Like I mentioned above, sometimes it's not even fully viable. But we always need to give it a shot, or several. Giving up is ending like Michael did.

The time table

The fact that 01x01 was set in June 2022, 4 months after Mikey died, S2 ended in May 2023, S3 ended on 08/07/2023, S4 kickstarted the very next day, and 4x10 happened 2 months after that, when the money ran out, means that in The Bear's universe it's still October 2023.

This leads me to my 2 questions:

Do you honestly think that someone as fucked up as Carmy would make a "full-love-conquers it all" kind of recovery in under 2 years with NO THERAPY, NO MEDS, AND STILL BEING IMMERSED IN THE TOXIC ENVIRONMENT THAT WAS PART OF HIS WORKAHOLISM TO BEGIN WITH?

Furthermore, do you reckon that because he probably wouldn't, then Syd and his entire support system, the people he loves, are supposed to desert him to save their asses because otherwise they're gonna get hurt, like Mikey hurt Richie in Gary or like Donna hurt Mikey his entire life because he stood by her?

I think those are crucial questions that we should all be asking ourselves and we should answer them as truthfully and objectively as possible, leaving aside any favoritism or projections, which of course is our prerrogative to have but for a moment at least, as we gather our thoughts to answer those questions, we should be able to see past them.

I already did, long ago. I already know the answer I'd give to both those questions.

I thought about this long and hard and now that the show is coming to an end, and even since S3 ended, actually, there's no dubt in my mind. To me is not even that nuanced to be honest because IDC who my favest character is, all I care about is what's right and what's fair and what's within realistic expectations for cases like this (as realistic as possible within a happy ending, that is). The intersection of all of those angles is what dictates what answers I'd feel comfortable giving and fully believing in.

My Sydcarmy vows.

And since, like I said, the under statement of the show is hope, that's why there's no doubt in my mind, Storer and I are pretty much on the same page on this one. No matter how fucked it all looks like right now, we are heading for a Sydcarmy endgame in S5 because there is no happy Carmy without Sydney.

And clearly, viceversa:

If doing less isn't an option due to the logistics of your life, at least try not to add to your load if you can.

January is, in many ways, a piss poor time to try and start new habits, to expect more of ourselves. Most large mammals are less active in winter, it's kind of ridiculous we expect ourselves to start new exercise regimes and stuff at this time of year!

I did a short workout yesterday, and instantly started running away with what I "should" be doing. Thankfully, I saw a reminder that now is not the time to demand more of myself, especially physically. It's about balance; it's good to do some exercise, it's not good to burn out on unrealistic and unhealthy expectations.

People glamorize letting men take care of you. I think, in some matters, that's absolutely fine. But there are some cases where it's important to exercise your own sphere of control.

Your finances - if he wants to pay for you, let him. If he wants to cover the rent, let him. But don't let him control all the finances. Have your own money. Have your own savings account. I don't care how good he is to you; it's better to have that money in case something happens and have it to fall back on in hard times than to assume the best and be left financially vulnerable.

Your schedule/social itinerary - in my experience, a lot of people just...fail to consider that you might have plans as a spoiled girlie. They think your "open schedule" is theirs to fill versus it being open *for a reason*. In my relationship, I manage the calendar. I make the call of if we're booked or not. Of course, he can make all the plans he wants to and has a full life of his own...but he runs it by me to make the final call of, "is that time actually available, or am I just double booking us without regard for proper planning".

Your social contract as partners - This one is a little different than what others may preach about being a spoiled girlie, but let's be realistic: we can't all have rich men. Instead, pick someone who's generous with you, with the people in his life, and with those in need. Someone who's genuinely kind and will treat you well. That's the important part.

It does mean, realistically, that you won't have someone paying cleaners and chefs and chauffeurs. It's aspirational, sure, but we want something realistic and sustainable, not just aspirational. SOMEONE is going to have to manage the housework...and if you let him control the balance, there's a good chance it'll be you. Initiate talks on what work you expect him to do around the house. Write it down. Hold him to it. You should have strong boundaries about what your end of the bargain is, and you should make sure to keep him to it.

But hear me out.

Assassin Merlin. He's super clumsy and well known, which is bad for business, but he always get's the Job done and somehow his friends are none the wiser.

Burglar/thief Merlin. Breaking into peoples houses and somehow getting invited to tea by grandma kerry and somehow ends up being the only heir, because her children fight so much and Merlin was such a nice young man to talk to.

Pickpocket Merlin. Who let's the wallets fall and people think he gives it back to them. He get's like... 10$ rewards for honesty every time.

Butcher Merlin. This one is because he always had to skin those rabbits on hunts. Also it helps him get rid of the corpses.

Butler Merlin or bodyguard Merlin that no one wants to hire, because the hiring staff would want to protect HIM instead.

Not autistic but physically disabled and honestly I wish people had the negative energy they seem to direct to this show to shows that are actually harmful and have overall negative depictions of the minority populations that they're trying to portray. Not this show that's actually trying and by all accounts seems to handle the subject of autism with all the care that they currently can.

If you're upset that the actress playing the main character isn't autistic herself that's fair but you're not taking into account the social and economical background of where this show is made.

Going really personal here but I'm really tired of people simply dunking on the show because the actress who plays the main character may be neurotypical. As mentioned above I am physically disabled, I am also East Asian. My parents and I had emigrate to Canada so I could obtain an education. Many disabled people in Asia can't attain an education simply because there is no nationwide support system for disabled folks to do so many things like obtain an education.

So taking into account the environment which this show is made its simply too much to ask for an autistic actress to play the titular character. Does that suck? Yes it does! But you're not helping in any way whatsoever if you're simply dunking on the show for this reason. As shows like this one can act as vehicles for positive reform and change.

If things are hard, really hard, aiming for happiness is a pretty lofty goal. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment, which is just going to pile on top of what was already crap in the first place.