#rawdiscussions

The words I hear the most frequently are crazy and loud. I would say this is not just an opinion, it's a fact. I am loud and crazy—this is a big part of what makes me, me. Many people might be offended by these words but I am not because it's the power I give these words and not the power others put on them that counts how I take them in. Words are just words until we assign them meaning. That's when they have an impact on us. I surround myself with loving people, so I think that most of these people would say that I am a friendly and giving person. I am happy to hear these words because I strive to be a very welcoming person, and I love to give to others; it brings joy to my heart. I know I can not be liked by everyone and I am okay with that. I understand I am not everyone's cup of tea. There are those people who might find me annoying and I respect their opinion because they are entitled to feel whatever they want.  I hope that you all love and respect yourself and not fall victims of people pleasing. 

I can come up with a laundry list of what I think people perceive me as. Does it matter? Maybe. Does this necessarily mean that it is an honest representation of myself? Not quite sure.

Perception is a game of chess. People are going to assume and project an image on you. People are going to think what they are going to think. People are going to take you however way, form, or a part of you they decide to take. And I also play a role in this human transaction. I can sit here play the game of chess and strategize my way of being based on what I think other people perceive me as. I may present myself different from one person to the other, or maybe even bend and sway my “most me” depending on who I am surrounded with and the situation I am faced. I may even perceive/take their “read” on me differently than its intent. It’s a whole lot of mess, and I am not up for that anymore. 

I am tired of worrying and pleasing. I am tired of talking, walking, dressing, sitting, laughing a certain way just so I do not rub off people a certain way. I am tired contemplating about my next move just so I don’t get judged of being “too boyish”, “too loud”, “too weird”, or any other “too’s” one can think of. That is too much to worry about. Such an exhausting place to be in. I just want to be me.

A list:  being obnoxious but prim, weird but unique, loud yet “to myself”, creative yet dull, smart but slow, and friendly but annoying. I am my own paradox, and that is okay. That’s what makes me who I am, with what I have, in this stage of my life. And for me, embracing my ”most me” is all that matters. I wake up every morning to grab onto life’s demands and embrace my “most me” I could ever be. I go about my day, do my own thing, and live my own life with the purpose that I chose to live and abide to. I embrace my authentic self, and that is what truly matters to me. People may not see me for me, but I am the “most me” I can ever be. This can be taken in so many ways, angles, directions – and  at the end of the day…. “oh well” is all I can say.

Hi. Introductions have never been my forte so bare with me for a few minutes.

I can sit here and bullshit my way through this (because that's what I tend to do) but it would defeat the purpose of what I am trying to do here, with this blog—with my friends. So, this is me stepping out of my very, very comfortable bubble and giving you everything without filters. 

I was very fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you see it) to grow up in a home where I wasn't given many boundaries. This allowed for me to experiment with my self-identity without a parental figure telling me how I should be. Yay, for child negligence—but that's a whole other story. 

Since a young age, I have always toyed with the idea of being different around different types of people. I would feed off of energies and morph myself to be someone that will thrive in a situation. I soon became really good at picking up different personalities. Thus, starting my biggest struggle. Note to self: Changing yourself is not a good coping mechanism. 

Growing up, I picked up so many personalities. I picked up the horrible habit of changing who I am depending who I am around. I can be the quiet friend, the outgoing butterfly, the tough girl, the loud one, and I can even get away with being the smart ass. I have been all these people but it wasn't until a few years ago when I finally started pushing myself to be me. 

And I admit, sometimes, it is so much easier to pick out a personality and be that for a day. But I want to be me all the time. I am done with the personalities. I am done with putting up these fake fronts. I am done with changing who I am. 

So, who am I ?

I am so caring, so open, so loving. I am so emotional—sometimes, more than I can handle. I am constantly seeking to learn more about myself and how the world works. I am a teacher. I am a writer. I am hilarious and sarcastic (and so proud of it). I am a dreamer who dreams of finally finding true happiness and making this world a better place. I am a healer, an advocate, an amazing listener, a storyteller. I am queer. I am someone who went through hell and back but found a reason to keep fighting. I am someone who loves so deeply. And lastly, I am someone who is finally ready to be raw. I am me. 

Three individuals.

Three different walks of life.

One passion- our tenacious drive to figure out life.