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Another sleeplessness night because of a dream. I've got to get some sleep. My head hurts so badly when I cannot sleep, and right now it feels like there's a railroad tie being shoved through my head at such a slow pace that you'd think I'd be able to stop the idiot with that spike.
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That's about right...laid down for bed around 1am and was jolted awake by the ugliest dream I've had in too many years. I don't know why my brain (or subconscious mind) decided that I would have a dream about a Doberman Pincher, but for real, that was absolutely uncalled for. I've been terrified by the breed since I was 4 years old. To make a long story short, I was tryna go see some puppies. There was a full grown male Doberman in the yard where I was, the puppies were on the other side of the fence, and when I went in that direction...daddy decided I was too close (which I had not even gotten 1 step in the right direction), but that big, gargantuan of a dog (y'all remember I'm 4 years old at the time) lept in the air in order to let me know I wasn't going back towards his little ones, and I have not been kosher with Dobermans for the rest of my life because of that single incident. Therefore, I don't understand why the dream I was having was the kind that just about gave me a heart attack, for real for real.
In my dream, I was tied up in a yard, and some guy unleashed 2 male Doberman Pinchers. As I'm trying to keep these dogs from hurting me, the guy is beside me with a remote control, and he paused the footage of the dogs running out into the yard. He got really close to the TV screen and started talking about how dynamic those dogs are. He'd begun talking about how divine the making of their haunches was, and he was just ga-ga over these beasts. I asked him at one point, "Why are you asking me to adore that breed? You know I'm horrified by the breed, and you're asking me to what? Tell you that they're beautiful creatures? Have you lost your mind?
When I realized I was dreaming, I forced myself to wake up. Snarkies! Why did I have to have that effing dream?
Why does it feel like no matter what I do, I'm not good enough? Nobody has to tell me that. I've felt that way my entire life. I know that the way I was teased and picked on ended years ago. I have been able to get past the kids in school being hateful, but the scars which run the deepest are the ones my family inflicted upon my soul. Dad would get to drinkin', and there went another day of hearin' about how worthless I was. Or how I'd never amount to anything. Sad part is, I'm thoroughly convinced that his words placed a ginormous hindrance on me. Instead of provin' him wrong, I wound up provin' him right because I felt that if my own father never gave me a fair shot in life, neither would anyone else. Parents should be careful of the things they say to their children. They don't realize that they're capable of speakin' things into existence.
I've got so many different ideas for stories, it's unreal. I haven't known my thoughts to operate in this way for over 20 years, but I'm glad it is. To me? My brain wanting to make a poem or story out of everything is a sign that my creative juices are flowing. YAY!
What can I say? I've got quite a few things:
1. Dad's been gone for 2 years
2. Writing my novels may not be as difficult as I previously believed
3. I Love Steven
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In the past, I have allowed my inner darkness to take over my entire life. I was very addicted to anger, rage, and the rush I'd get from going into blackout rages. I never knew then, that I was going about everything all wrong. Hindsight being 20/20, I see now what I could not see back then, and I will never allow myself to fall so far into anger over things, which really do not amount to a hill of beans. I cannot change my behaviors which controlled my past, however, I will be mindful about how I deal with everything and everyone who comes into my life. I'm the one who has the authority to hold my tongue, when necessary. I'm the one who must remember that not everything is about me, and sometimes I just need to keep my mouth shut.
This time around, I will maintain a more level headed outlook on situations that arise in my life. I will never allow myself to lose sight of what's important. I will be sure to maintain a positive attitude, and I will remember that everything and everyone in my life is and are gifts from God. I will be better.
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true
And then while I'm away, I'll write home every day, and I'll send all my lovin' to you
Gotta appreciate the oldies but goodies esp, when it's "The Beatles"; my #1 Beatles song is, The Long and Winding Road
What does that have to do with anything? Well...I had an idea for a really cool post, but when I started to write, the thought escaped my head so I thought I'd throw a hail Mary pass...lol
I must confess a couple of things about myself:
1) I'm a country girl who, through no fault of my own, is forced to live in the city. (I'm hypoglycemic and must be close to an er.) However, I still haven't ever figured out how to keep from talking a person's ears off, and I have a tendency to speak louder than necessary. That's my inner hillbilly hangin' out, and I have no idea my volume is on 10++
2) My brain is always on the move. I might be sittin' in the same spot for hours upon hours, but my brain has left the building several dozen times because I have ADHD to the extreme. This creates boredom. Boredom creates issues within my own mind, and I have almost been driven to the brink of insanity by the thought that I have nothing to do. These thoughts come to mind, yet, I'm literally doing 3 or 4 things at the same time.
The point to all this?
creativecleverpennywyzescorner is my escape from life, school, my mind, and my authoring 3 novels. Escape to me means I take a break from everything and everyone for a set amount of time, I get to decide what I'm gonna do and when I'm gonna do it. During a period of escape, I'll either be wrapped up with my boyfriend and his adventures throughout his day OR I will be creatin' stuff to post here on Tumblr. I may want to post about the process I'm going through with having my teeth pulled. I may want to do some mindless and aimless ramblin' that has nothing to do with anything in particular....except to quell the beast of ADHD as best as I can.
No matter what, just remember: idle hands are the Devil's playground, and I don't go out to find something to do. I've learned that I can and will get a criminal record IF I try to satisfy the boredom inside of my head by leaving home. Especially if, I go alone. Therefore, I will find ways to stay busy. I have to find ways to keep the ADHD at Bay.
