#quintress

Bea:

Rex not getting him pregnant but claiming the baby despite the ungodly amount of complications it's about to involve for himself. Because he's a soldier and it means Anakin marrying down BUT marrying at all means he is spared being thrown out on the streets. On Rex's side, accusations of him gold digging and baby trapping Anakin, his father absolutely livid because either he has beef with the family or serves under Dooku or both. Anakin (at first) not WANTING Rex to make this claim. (it was an impulse to save him so there was no planning at all) Like develops into romance/lust later on but for now they are friends at best, and Rex has just taken on a lot on his behalf, and Anakin is the one that usually is throwing himself in front of bullets (or arrows or whatever).

help what if Anakin's got some Virgin Birth bullshit going on like Shmi

Oh Palpatine as Main Father Figure for Anakin too so you know there are some plots and schemes and anger happening because he had plans for Anakin. (Obi-Wan like his minder or guard or something who was actually doing more raising than Palpatine but has No Say about any of this.) Anakin: I did not have sex Obi-Wan: [panicking] Anakin I think we're past lying about it. You need to tell me who the father is (and I will fix this somehow I will fix this for you) Anakin: It was a virgin birth Obi-Wan: ………. (we're doomed.) Oh Dooku not a relation Dooku is the scheming vizier because those are always fun. Knows somehow Rex isn't the father and is trying to prove it, because if Anakin can't inherit he benefits.

This could be in that AU I've got where Anakin's all princess-in-the-castle who doesn't know if he has any REAL friends because most of his friends work for him somehow (tutor Obi-Wan, maid Aayla who is technically also spying on him, Padme is a lady of the court, Rex is his bodyguard, and Ahsoka works in the stables).

(The fantasy AU is trans-inclusive but also aghast at children out of wedlock.)

Also an option is the thing from the first season of Bridgerton where a soldier got someone pregnant and then went off and died in war, so his brother comes by and says that since his brother did this to her, he'll take responsibility and marry her himself.

Rex: Cody is the father Obi-Wan: (Well I know that's not true because Cody was fucking Padme, rip Cody) Rex: And as he's passed, I'll take responsibility. Naturally Cody returns just before the end of the 'season' to mess up the plan and suddenly he's supposed to marry Anakin and what is happening now?

Cody's ghost, if he were actually dead: Obi-Wan you know what threesomes are, right? You know how close Padme and Anakin are, right?

If Cody had known Rex had Feelings for Anakin then maybe he wouldn't have agreed, but Padme had thought it would be fun to hook up with Ani while Cody watched (it was the anniversary of Shmi's death, he's soooo sad, honey, what if we cheer him up?) and there was never supposed to be any PiV contact between Cody and Anakin, buuuuuuuuuuuut then they all got a little carried away and Whoops

Obi-Wan and Cody were pals they gossiped he would know. (Although he does get convinced. Maybe Cody didn't tell him because he knew Obi-wan would murder him himself.) Cody: I lived. I'm back from the war. What do you mean I'm going to be a father? (Oh no i got Padme pregnant and then just left her to deal with it?!?) Of course I'll take responsibility! Anakin: Um. So. Hi. Cody: Why's Skywalker here? lol I'm still on virgin birth (I just think it's funny no one is at fault but everyone has to deal.)

Obi-Wan: Anakin are you saying our lord in heaven (or whatever fantasy equivalent) impregnated you? Anakin: …..I mean… I guess it must have been? Which… kind of fucked up when I think about it actually Obi-Wan: (Anakin giving birth to the messiah wasn't on my bingo card, and yet somehow I almost believe it just because of all the grey hairs I'm about to sprout)

Padme swans in, grabs Ani and the Fett boys, and swans right off into a study to lock the door behind her so Obi-Wan can't get in. Then draws a curtain over it so noises are too muffled to get through the keyhole.

Anakin definitely assumes that Shmi, while deeply unhappy, was properly married to and impregnated by His Dear Father, Palpatine. Rather than some lady that got Magic Pregnant and then kind of abducted and forced into marriage so Palpatine could have the magic baby.

Until Dooku pulls Obi-Wan aside and has some Words about how uhhhhh nope. There was some weird magic happening. Old Man's A Sorcerer.

Obi-Wan: (OH NO) Obi-wan who didn't want this to happen and doesn't want to know any of this having to deal with the fact that not only Anakin MIGHT have a virgin pregnancy but also it might be magic

Oh hey, what if there WAS a threesome but the pregnancy timeline doesn't match up to it.

Threesome happens after Cody's return, just before Rex and Anakin have properly confessed and incites some jealousy on Rex's side, and some 'is it weird to be thinking of his brother while we're doing this' on Anakin's side. Padme: …. you really need to confess to Rex, Ani.

Dooku doesn't know the details of the magic but he can send a hawk to fetch the Wretched Hag Of The Woods Which was supposed to be Mother Talzin, but she didn't feel like it, so she sends Ventress instead. (Who of course brings her cousin, Maul, as her escort/chaperone/bodyguard (unecessary)).

He and obi-wan have intense sex in the middle of all this because both of them are stressed out for different reasons. Do they like each other??? who knows??? But do they have sexual chemistry and energy to burn? Yep

Dooku keeps trying to maneuver to get Ventress married to one of his nephews.

Ventress: [looks at Vos] that one. She will deign to have a threesome with Obi-Wan but once again sexual chemistry and they aren't going to let it get out to Dooku because they are NOT going to marry each other. Obi-Wan: I'll leave the nuptials to you two Between the stress sex Obi-Wan is doing an attack of the clones stuff where he's investigating plots, while the actual main focus is on the romance with Anakin and Rex, but every so often he pops in with something like: "Your mother had a virgin magic birth. Palpatine is a sorcerer. There's a plot to steal your inheritance." and then pop back out again meanwhile Anakin is pining and getting ready for wedding and feeling guilty he's dragged Rex into this

There is a visit from a Duchess of far-off lands that Obi-Wan is infatuated with but cannot leave the kingdom (and Anakin) for.

The main impact this has on the plot is that the Fetts are trying to avoid having to explain why their dad keeps getting into arguments with her while Obi-Wan does absolutely nothing to stop them, mostly egging the pair on.

And then Satine gets bored and decides to write Anakin's pre-nup.

hah secret 'royal or at least of suitable rank Fetts' that curve one of the many plots aimed at the couple wedding Jango: …. yeah I was Mand'alor for five minutes. Satine: I know you were >:) Jango: 😠 leave me out of this!

Obi-Wan has so many sexual relations and none of them are nearly as scandalous as Anakin's, probably because Obi-Wan himself isn't a royal.

Maul? Hate sex. Quinlan and Ventress? Longtime lover and his current partner sex. Jango and Satine? Both.

Obi-Wan is very into giving and receiving oral. Can't get anyone pregnant like that. Played for laughs just every chapter he's uncovered something and he's fucking someone else and the plot absolutely had no time for any of it. Anakin should notice but has way too much going on and does not think of Obi-Wan in relationships so just sort of misses it. Rex: …. (salutes. God Speed Mr. Kenobi) Like he gets that he's flirting. He picks up about Satine and Obi-Wan. But he doesn't think Obi-Wan has actually done something with impropriety.

Obi-Wan keeps telling them the Big Plot Stuff about AotC style intrigue, and the one that mentions to Anakin 'Oh yeah, I saw him leaving the bedroom of [important person]'

ahahaha Anakin learns about Obi-Wan's complex polycule Palpatine: I fear your tutor is sleeping with your soon to be husband. Anakin: (How the fuck would he have the time?!?!?) Rex: Yes, I did sneak into Obi-Wan's rooms. Remember. When I was sneaking into your rooms? And his room is how we get me secretly into your rooms? Anakin: …. oh right. When this is all done Obi-Wan claps Anakin on the shoulder, finally seen his charge married and happy and everything is good: Welp I'm going to go to the desert and live as a hermit. Anakin: I've made you my vizier. Obi-Wan: …has Maul left yet?

I think Anakin might STILL be assuming that most of those bedroom visits were either benign or Meant To Be Spy Things.

Satine is the one exception, he does assume that has the potential to be romantic intrigue.

Regarding Quinlan, he's just like "Oh, yeah, they get drinks sometimes! Besties!"

And the rest are clearly Obi-Wan trying to get state secrets.

He can see Obi-Wan having a grand monogamous secret forbidden romance. Anything else is gossip and slander and he will not have it.

Clearly he and Satine had tea and a single chaste kiss full of longing under the moonlight

Ahsoka: The real miracle here is that no one thinks Obi-Wan got him pregnant. Padme: I think that was a plot point at one point, but Ventress cut it off at the pass Ahsoka: It's hard to keep up with this… Bail: Won't anyone think of the governance of the kingdom? Padme: [pats shoulder] It's almost like the system we find ourselves working under is imbalanced and places too much emphasis on blood Satine: Oh wouldn't it be a shame if we had our own intrigue going on >:D Padme: ooooo let's draft some bills! [winks] Obi-Wan: Considering the amount of sex everyone gets up to [He can talk] the fact that we do have all this emphasis on bloodlines really isn't the best way to ensure a kingdom's leadership.

Cody, to Padme: Darling, please do not fuck my dad's situationship.

Padme: (but she's so pretty) Rex this chapter: I wrote a poem. Fox: You're absolutely fucked little brother. Rex: Help. Anakin: He wrote me a poem ;A; Aayla: Oh boy you're absolutely fucked (This is probably the period of which Cody is betrothed to him because of the misunderstanding of him not being dead and not having gotten Anakin pregnant.)

Aayla (a maid who is also a spy) and Bly (a member of the guard) are having an incredibly normal courtship in the background.

Everyone else is doing out-of-wedlock and Obi-Wan's polycule and possibly virgin births... and then there's Aayla, who just got a ring after eight months of flowers and polite flirtation, and will be getting married in two months after the appropriate readings of the bahns.

no stress or secrets at all Also in the background (given more emphasis than the Obi-Wan intrigue) are the Aayla wedding plans Anakin (who is worring about what and who and how his own wedding is going to go): oh that's nice TAT

Rex: Bly how did you do it? Bly: … I ?? I just… I courted her. And talked to Vos. And she said yes when I proposed. Rex: that doesn't sound right

Cody and Padme were either engaged or already married when he "died" at war, maybe? Padme can't publicly say it wasn't cheating because that would stain HER reputation, possibly irreparably.

Extra scandal, yes. Has to be some back room talks about this. Poor Padme, tho. Part of the early chapters everyone tinged with mourning. And the baby that is Cody's is a scandal, but also being used by the more schemy members of the court to cheer people up (for ulterior purposes). Oh maybe that's why Jango gets pulled to court: has to deal with the accusations on his house by house Naberrie. No one can be openly too negative because Anakin the prince is the one with child. But ALSO your son cheated and broke a marriage contract so you have to go and deal. Jango: I would rather die you can't make me do this [is dragged by Satine] noooooo Also Jango has to show up because his grandchild is potentially going to be heir of the kingdom. Jango: Satine please. Please just deal with it yourself. Have Alpha deal with it. If he wears a helmet no one can tell the difference Alpha: Nope. Satine: Stop squirming Jango mourns Cody in his own way, but also he had a lot of children and not much face time with them.

Bring along Bo-Katan, that's always good for some comedy of the stupid variety. "Bo, you can't propose to the stable girl, you hate this place and she doesn't want to leave, it'll never work."

(in the background of all the OTHER background stuff, lesbians!)

Bo: I'm coming too Satine: wait, you want to come? Why? Bo: …

She and Pre are trying to poison each other and it's getting to be a bit much.

Dooku: Why are so many mandalorians here? Maul: To fuck Kenobi would be my guess, at this point… Dooku: What? Maul: What? Ahsoka and Bo are working on the 'Cody is actually alive' intrigue Bo: I don't think my cousin is dead and you have a mind for mysteries (and also I want to spend time with you, but I really do think you'd be a big help here)

Ahsoka: Wait, you're cousins? Bo: Well I don't want to call him my nephew-in-law, he's older than me. Step-nephew? My sister's situationship's son.

Bo: at this point it's just easier to say cousins. It's about the same level of family familiarity Cody had a side adventure where Clovis put him on a boat to get rid of him or something, so he could swoop Padme, who was not having it. Bo and Ahsoka save him from being forced into conscription at sea or whatever. Obi-Wan does not want Ahsoka in danger, but also is just glad someone else is getting some work done around here other than him. Obi-Wan: I'm going to knight you Ahsoka: I'm a stablehand? Obi-Wan: When Anakin is king I'll tell him to, he'll listen to me Well, to be fair, the person on the purse strings of the kingdom is probably Bail, or else they would have gone under by now. Bail agrees to sex and then just sticks him in between Breha and him for an afternoon nap. Obi-Wan has his ways. Sex mostly. But also connections. And competence.

For the purse strings thing: Consider! Fox.

Obi-Wan: hmmm Fox: >:) Kenobi (you know you can't get past me) Obi-Wan: 🙂 Mr. Fox. Fox: [Suspicious] Obi-Wan: [Places Vos in front of him] Quinlan: Fox! Fox: Damn it, Kenobi! Just: Fox: HAH You can't use your methods on ME I'm incorruptible! Obi-Wan: [buffs nails] Don't worry darling I have people for this. Alternatively: Obi-Wan: Anakin would really appreciate you pushing these papers through Fox: [automatically] Sure. [Signs Palpatine's signature] Done. lol the Fett siblings are immune to Obi-Wan because they know he's in a situationship with their dad Alpha: (eh… I'd probably still do him.)

Alpha is the result of an Incident from when Jango was a teenager and grew up with very little respect for him as a father. Treats his own dad more like a brother because the age gap is fairly small, and Jaster did half the raising.

Rex: He gave me a violet, what does this mean? Ahsoka: Wait flowers mean things? Rex: Royals are always giving flowers to pass messages! Anakin: The blue reminded me of his armour ❤️ Obi-Wan: Aw. Blue violets also mean love and faithfulness Anakin: Wait what? Bo: I got you a flower. It reminded me of you Ahsoka: Oh ❤️ [who has been looking this up] Yellow rose means eternal friendship ha ha I love it [both of them crying and pinning inside at the misinterpretation] Ventress: [watching them] … I should say something. This can't go on. Obi-Wan: No, they'll work it out. I have faith in Ahsoka.

Bo: NOT IN MANDALORE Ahsoka: Oh, what does it mean there? Bo: Um. I forget. <- several hours later -> Jango: It means you want to kill the person you gave it to. Bo: NO.