#quietlonging

Listening to ‘Love You in the Silence’ on Soul Blues Radio. It’s the kind of slow blues that feels like an intimate confession you never quite found the courage to say. If you love those mellow, soulful nights, this one’s for you

handled gently, like something that still remembers love.

i hide where tenderness still feels safe.

It just happened, and you’re already back on the apps. Didn’t even look at me. It’s lonely. I’m lonely. But maybe it’s my own doing, hoping for something that’ll never come.

You had him over to celebrate his birthday. I don’t really care for him, but you do — and it was nice seeing you happy again. I’m glad you have someone to do that kind of thing for. It feels like that’s what you love most about being with someone — doing little things that make them feel seen. Watching you left me wondering if anyone’s ever been that excited to see me. Maybe some of your reaction was for show, but I know most of it was real. You meant every ounce of it. I can’t think of anyone who’s ever looked at me like that. Maybe that says something about me — or the way I connect with people. Work was frustrating, like always. There’s really no one else I can tell — you’re all I have out here. I’m trying to make friends. Through the apps, at work… neither’s going great. I talk to people, but I can tell I haven’t found my group yet. I usually just sit alone. It’s not new, but I still hate it — not that I’d tell you that. You know I’m unsure about my job. I don’t want you thinking I’m suffering just to stay here — though I doubt you’d think that. Honestly, I doubt you think of me at all. These entries usually end with me admitting I’m sad or lonely. Maybe both are true. But they’re mine to carry. I just hope he’s not embarrassed of me. I’m trying my best — mostly to stay out of your way, sometimes even out of your life, just to be sure.