#quietache

again and again i gather flowers of hope and throw them off each time swearing this is the last time. i remind myself this was never meant for me. love is for others. always for others. not for me. they told me: go. look. search. so i did. among dozens of voices, yours caught my attention. gentle. lively. full of dreams. you made me feel like i could lift from the ground and fly. once, you joked that i was made up. and i hoped i was made up for you. you appeared in my life like a bright star, shining upon the dark places in my soul — the ones even my thoughts avoided. but as quickly as you came, you disappeared. now the voices scream that they warned me. that this is all i deserve. my heart only sighs, quietly, inside my chest. i believed a fragile thread formed between us. poor little fool. yet my soul keeps believing anyway. you became a small bird i cannot catch. i won’t try anymore. i will let it fly where it wants to be. i wish you a safe flight, my dear. maybe some other bird will come my way.

it’s strange i often think about you — what you’re doing, whether you’re okay, if you need anything, if there’s some way i could help. my whole being tunes itself to you whenever you’re near. when you say something funny, you often glance straight at me, and i see how pleased you are when i laugh with you. every time my spirit sinks, you’re the one who knows how to lift me so quickly, so effortlessly. i long for you — i do. for your presence, your touch, for the closeness we slip into without trying — and yet when your eyes meet mine, my heart stays quiet — and i feel hollow. even when you praise me, i don’t believe your words, i feel only familiar sadness. maybe this isn’t love at all, maybe it’s just the ache of wanting to be wanted. maybe i’m trying too hard to matter to you. my soul is tired of chasing faint echoes of your affection. but i don’t know how to stop.

there are days when i miss you less, and days when i miss you more. and today— today i miss you most. you don’t even know how deeply i love you. i love you with the very core of my soul. i don’t mind that it isn’t returned. it’s a feeling both beautiful and crushing. and yet— though i’m glad you never truly see it, sometimes i wish you could. just for a moment. just so you’d know how much. the depth of my longing, the emptiness in my soul when you’re not near. you remain ever-present in every thought i have.